This Wednesday: Five tips to avoid having an office affair.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 5 tips to avoid having an office affair.

A few nights ago, a friend told me an interesting story. When she'd started her job at a major financial institution, a family friend, who also worked there, pulled her aside to give her some advice about avoiding having an affair.

Many of the people who worked at their firm had affairs, he said. He’d seen it himself. And lots of marriages broke up. His own marriage had stayed strong for thirty years, and he wanted to tell her the five rules he’d always followed to make sure he’d never be tempted.

1. Never take a first step in flirtation, even in jest.

2. Never have more than one drink with people from work. If that.

3. Never confide details from your personal life to people from work, and don’t allow them to confide in you.

4. Never allow yourself to have a “special friend” of the opposite sex (sometimes called a “work spouse”) to whom you turn for particular support.

5. Unless it’s an unmistakably professional context, don’t meet alone with a colleague or client of the opposite sex. E.g, when a client calls with tickets for the U.S. Open, don’t go in a twosome.

He explained the reasoning behind his advice.

He’d seen the same thing happen over and over. There comes a time in every marriage, he said, when a couple doesn’t get along very well. This period might even last several years. Difficult kids, difficult in-laws, difficult schedules, health worries, money worries, and all the rest can create a lot of conflict.

If you have an intimate friend at work, someone who knows you very well, and understands your troubles, and appreciates you properly, and can offer you a sympathetic, conflict-free refuge from your annoying spouse, the temptation to turn to that person is very strong.

Or if you’re alone at night with someone, or out drinking – you might give in to a sudden impulse.

Now, some of this advice conflicts with the happiness research. For instance, as Penelope Trunk discussed in a post on Brazeen Careerist, studies show that people who have good friends at work are happier than people who don’t, and Tip #3, in particular, would make it hard to have a real friend.

Nevertheless, thinking back to my days working in an office, I think there’s some real value to these injunctions. They’re worth thinking over, to adapt to each person's particular situation.

My friend has been working at that major financial institution for a couple of years now. "Are a lot of people really having affairs?" I asked. "Oh, yes," she said. She lives by those rules herself -- except #3, sometimes she breaks #3. She's a very friendly person, so she can't really stop herself from having those kind of conversations.

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Comments

[elliot]

Happy marriages are all about having boundaries and living within them.

Very, very few people are strong enough to resist temptation, but everyone is strong enough to avoid it in the first place.

[Barry]

These are interesting rules, and I can see where they might evolve in some situations. But I keep coming back to a simple rule that covers everything in this situation. The best way to avoid having an office affair?

1) Don't do it.

That's kind of it. Avoiding an affair is not like avoiding catching a cold or falling on the ice, losing weight or balancing your checkbook. There aren't simple, sensible guidelines that, if followed, will work. Sure, wash your hands frequently...avoid getting too close to people who are ill...try not to get wet and cold - these are things you can do to avoid catching a cold, but you can't do things like this to really avoid having an office affair.

The best way to avoid it is to simply tell yourself you're not going to be tempted, and to understand the relationship you have with your spouse. It's a much deeper situation than merely "avoiding being alone with an opposite-sex coworker" or "don't exchange personal information". I think these things are fine for kids, but adults should have the maturity to avoid temptations when in these situations, simply because it's not what they're supposed to do.

Do we need 5 simple rules on how not to kill our co-workers? 1) Don't bring a gun to the office, 2) avoid situations where you and a co-worker are alone together and there is arsenic nearby, 3) etc.... If you have a good, firm moral center there shouldn't be any problem resisting the urge to cheat with/murder a co-worker...

[Mardougrrl]

I don't know, Barry...I actually think that this advice has serious merit, if only because affairs are so different from what you describe. There is a whole spectrum of emotion that exists between "not tempted" and "hopping into bed" and I think that emotional affairs, the so-called "office spouse," can be almost as destructive to a marriage as out and out physical infidelity.

And with this, I delurk. :) This is a great blog...thanks for all of the tips!

[Carm]

What a great post. Thank you for sharing these tips. What it really comes down to is common sense, but when we are in certain situations sometimes common sense doesn't prevail and it's good to keep to some basic guidelines.

I have been happily married for 20 years and with my employer for 22 years. The one exception I would make to these tips is to modify #3 to guard against forming close relationships with people of the opposite sex.

One of the reasons I have strong enough job satisfaction to stay with my employer for 22 years is that I have formed many strong friendships. However, those are by and large friendships with other women, not men. Those friendships with a male coworker or two are friendships that include both our spouses. We do not spend non-working time alone together.

I loved your post and think it's right on track. Thanks again for sharing it.

[Barry]

Mardougrrl - good points. I'm not familiar with the concept of an "office spouse" but I suppose I can see where one can come about. Sort of a middle ground - little to no actual physical relationship, but plenty of emotional support being siphoned out of the marriage relationship and into the work one. That would be easier to fall prey to, if someone feels they can skirt the boundary lines between cheating and not cheating...

[Michelle Potter]

While I agree with the rule "Don't do it (have an affair)," I do think there's more to it than that. People make mistakes and make stupid decisions when they are under stress from strong emotions and hormones. When someone cheats and then says, "It just happened," what they mean is, "I let myself get into a situation of strong temptation, and then I failed to control myself." People do that; they *fail*. Given that, the smart thing to do is avoid temptation from the start.

[Mrs. Micah]

Good tips. I think a lot of them apply to having what I've heard called an "emotional affair." It's not physical, but you come to develop a similar emotional relationship with one person as you have with your spouse. I hadn't heard the "work spouse" before.

The flirting point made me think the most.

As a receptionist, I guess I engage in some casual flirting with the three building engineers who call me sweetheart and joke with me and help me out learning the ropes. But we don't share secrets/confidences, two of them are almost old enough to be my dad (I flirt less with the young one), and I never go out with them or drink with them or do things in twos.

I think step 1 is the most difficult for friendly people. What's flirting and what's friendly? Obviously, if it's mostly with one person, that's flirting.

I break #3 more with female coworkers, I'm more comfortable with them.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Right. La Rochefoucauld wrote, “It is much easier to extinguish a first desire than to satisfy all of those that follow it." I think that some people, quite innocently, can get started down a path that will lead them into temptation. It's not easy to resist temptation, once it's presented, and so I think these rules are meant to keep you from getting to that point.

But I see what Barry means. Having an affair is such a huge deal, how could it creep up on you without you deciding, at some level, that's what you wanted? but sometimes that seems to happen to people.

[Martha Garvey]

Work friendships are very important to me. My closest friend at work is someone I've known for over 20 years. I'm a straight married woman, and he's a gay man who's been married to his partner for a long time. He's been my boss at three separate jobs, and I was actually his thesis adviser in grad school for a while (but not while I was working for him). I feel extraordinarily lucky to have him as a friend, and a co-worker.

I think, that said, that I try to observe most of these rules...but I also think our culture doesn't quite know what to do with flirting these days; it can be a lovely effervescent.

[Cara]

There is actually a term for cheating that doesn't involve hopping into bed: emotional affair. It can be as destructive, or even more so, than a physical one because it involves the heart, making it much more difficult to break free. I keep a wall between my work life and my personal life especially since I'm a female in a 90% male environment. I prefer to keep that wall up even though it means I don't have close friends at work. For me, work is for working, and I do not confuse friendliness at work with friendship. The less they know about my personal life, the better, but then I'm a private person in general.

[Niel Malan]

Being a single heterosexual male who have succeeded in not getting hooked by any one of the number of relationships I got involved in at work, I'd say it is a sound set of rules to work by if you have a marriage to preserve.

If both are single, of course the rules would look very different, and I wish I knew what it was.

[Kris]

My husband and I 'met' at work. We were both in miserable marriages at the time and leaned on each other immensely. While we never 'got together' while married to our former spouses (yes, we maintained just a friendship for that period of time), it cam as no great surprise to anyone that we eventually got together. I can tell you, first hand, that these rules are absolutely, 100% spot on.

[Erika]

I can see the sense of most of the rules, but as others have brought up, I cannot agree with #3 since it implies that making friends at work is bad (at least, friends of your preferred sex). I can see why you should not have "special friends", but someone who is incapable of forming friendships regardless of sex will likely have gender biases.

[Carmine Coyote]

Gretchen,

I love your articles and usually find myself happily nodding in agreement. I also learn a great deal from your thinking.

However, I have to take issue with a fundamental area of thinking behind this post: that errors of judgment "happen" to people and can be avoided by making sure you're not in a place or situation where they can do so.

People have affairs at work because they choose to. That is the plain truth. No one forces them. No event makes it inevitable. They have an affair voluntarily, whether or not they often any thought to the likely consequences — or even care.

The only way they could avoid the supposed temptation would be to work entirely alone. Sure there are situations where relationships are easier to develop, but merely meeting someone in the elevator could be enough, if both parties wanted it to be.

I am taking this seriously because I believe we are far too ready to absolve ourselves from responsibility for our actions. It's becoming normal to blame bad judgments on anything from genetic make-up to early parenting to circumstances.

We won't have a more civilized world until each person honestly takes full accountability for what they do and say.

[Leto]

Dear Gretchen,

I really appreciate your site and the work you put into it. However, I am concerned about this article.

While I agree to some extent with the advice, and generally subscribe to the idea that the only way to cheat is to put yourself in situations where you might be tempted, Carmine Coyote is bang on - an affair is a choice.

Unhappiness in a marriage will come out one way or another, regardless of how much one tries to admit that's not the case. Maybe instead of just avoiding temptation, people need to deal with what's causing the temptation in the first place, learn how to either fix what's broken or manage their own need to stray or - don't freak out - end the marriage.

Sometimes people get married and have relationships for the wrong reasons. Yes, people need to be disciplined and work hard not to stray, but sometimes there genuinely are reasons to break up, and an affair can be symptom of that.

And please - don't make friends at work? Seriously? That's akin to saying, "Don't make friends with anyone, ever, because you might end up in bed with them."

[chris]

The 5 rules make lots of sense IMO.
An affair does not start with an affair. It starts with sending singals that you are open to an affair. Following the 5 rules avoids sending signals that could be mistaken.

In my professional life I have seen some colleagues suffering after having started an office affair. Very often one of the 2 has to walk away from an otherwise good job, just because he/she cannot stand to see the other person regularly after the affair is over or cannot live with the gossip. And very often the thin-skinned person is female.
So protect your job right from the beginning.

This does not mean that you cannot have friends or be friendly with people at the office. Just take care that your signals are clear.

[Edwin]

Hi,
I love your postings and will use your tips on a coming business trip to a foreign city with my colleagues. There will be lots of parties / drinking, so I will try to stay away form that. Thanks for the reminder.

Another thing - against the spam, you can try the following URL; it encodes your email adress into something spambots have trouble with. So everywhere you want to use your email address in a web page, replace it with code you generate at: http://hivelogic.com/enkoder

[Simonne]

This is a very interesting issue. In most of my jobs I had what you call an "work spouse". Without neccessarily ending up in bed, those very close friendships gave me a happiness which reflected also in my family life, and they made me work better and feel better about myself. It is true that I did not have any worries in the marriage (no kids, no debt, no illness), so any positive experience outside it added more to the happiness that was already there. However, if one wants, avoiding an office affair could be possible by following the 5 rules you've mentioned here.

[Laurie Anne]

About number 4, obviously not everyone is a heterosexual, so that wording doesn't apply to everyone. Just something to keep in mind, since you are writing a book.

[Personal Growth]

What i believe is that if you can curb your friends of the opposite sex in office you will be able to manage your self quite well. Besides one should have good interpersonal skills to manage oneself with others

[Tamie]

Sometimes people do not intend to get into an affair, do not "give out signals" and have the best possible intentions. When you have a very stressful job, sometimes your co-workers become very close buddies, as you spend time, possibly years, "in the trenches" together. This is especially true of folks that work in ER, or have high pressure deadlines, or particularly long hours in difficult conditions (a couple of inventory companies come to mind.) Then something particularly emotional happens: a family member or someone on your team dies, and you try to give each other solace. A hug, a well intentioned touch, whatever, turns into something it shouldn't have been, because you're both overwhelmed. At this point some folks have the intestinal fortitude to back off, and some believe it would be more kind to just follow their hearts, and keep their actions a secret.

I think that condemning folks for making loving mistakes is unlikely to be helpful. Avoiding the mistake requires that one believe that one could make that mistake in the first place. These tips look like a pretty good place to start. Modify as necessary for your own use.

[Grail]

I find the advice here disturbing and more dangerous than the possible 'safeguard to your marriage' that it might provide.

There's a fundamental fallacy spreading in our modern culture, that your spouse should be not just your best friend, but your *only* friend - that they should meet every emotional need you have. They are 'the one' right? But all the emphasis on ONE.

It's not just a heavy burden to lay on someone, it's plain wrong, and more likely to lead to heartache, especially when they can't meet every need for each other, and then find themselves deciding that, oh, they mustn't be the one - and off to the divorce courts they go.

Calling something an 'emotional affair' - when it's not a romantic or sexual interest involved, but being threatened by a spouses friendship, is even more dysfunctional.

We have less friends today, and more & more of us turn solely to our spouse:
http://www.livescience.com/health/060623_close_friends.html

It's not healthy, will make you unhappy, and isn't going to save your marriage going by the current relationship trends.

Often people seek out romantic or sexual affairs, when really they just need an emotional outlet, and forget that that is, actually, what friends are for.

So - form MORE work friendships.

If you really are worried about succumbing to temptation, then avoiding it is the better part of valour - but don't do it by limiting your contact with *everyone* you meet.
And the advice for only making same sex friendships is overly simplistic (and will only work if you're *entirely* straight).

Just ask yourself - who's your 'type'? You know who they are.

Many people will never ever be your 'type', but they can be your friends.

A few opposite sex friends who are entirely safe (for reasons of outlook, physical type, age, culture, or sexual orientation), can be not just great support, but a valuable source of insight and outside opinions.
Just make sure that you're not their type either - and there's plenty enough people who will fall into both categories.

Be honest with yourself. You know the people who are, or could be your type & vice versa - realise who they are, and lay off. You don't need to flirt with them, go drinking with them, or confide intimate details - even if they are the people whom it is most tempting to do so.

Just don't make the mistake of swinging the other way and closing yourself off from *everybody*. It will only make you unhappy.

[Jon]

Grail,

I think you have some good points, but keep in mind this article referred to work, not life in general.

Having close friends of the opposite sex at work is different from off work for at least two reasons...

1. You may spend 8 or 9 hours a day around the person, including lunch, probably more than with your spouse if you don't count sleep. Granted not all of that time is social, but either is sitting at home watching TV while your spouse is reading the paper.

2. There's no opportunity for your spouse to become friends with or even know the person past the acquaintance level, assuming your spouse doesn't work at the same place. While that might not increase the "risk" for you, it's bound to increase the apprehensiveness of your spouse.

But anyway, I agree that it's possible to have friends who are not your "type" romantically, making those relationships a lot less risky.

[Tempted Wife]

I am in a situation now that needs to be remedied real quick.

My friend and I work in a financial institution, closely together for long hours. We're both married. I have been going through a 'downtime' in my marriage (my husband withdrawing emotionally more everyday) and my friend has been very supportive (i started talking to him 'bout my marital issues), I started thinking about my friend more everyday and even stopped looking forward to going home after the days work.

My friend's wife even got wind of our correspondence once and they had a fight.

Things got so hot once and we kissed, but that is about it. I am consciously working on my marital relationship and things are improving, but i still find myself strongly attracted to my friend.

I never planned to have an affair - physical or emotional - and will avoid it. But it is easier said than done, i guess i have crossed a dangerous line.

Any suggestions for remedy will be appreciated.

Thanks

[Myers Briggs]

I think this advice is a little too strict and not entirely realistic. I see how some of the aspects could be adhered too and I could see how rememembering these as very loose guidelines could help but you spend too much of your life to not have fun in the office. These tips would make a person too uptight to have fun.