Have you discovered any Secrets of Adulthood? Here are a few of mine.

I love taking notes and making lists, so one thing that makes me particularly happy is coming up with my Secrets of Adulthood. I get a big kick out of them.

I’d come up with a few new ones recently, but I hadn’t taken the time to add them to my full list on the left-hand column of the blog, until today.

Here are my latest additions:

People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.

It’s easier to prevent pain than to squelch it. (This is true literally and figuratively.)

Where you start makes a big difference in where you end up.

Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. (Okay, Voltaire made that up, not me—it’s one of the most important Secrets of Adulthood.)

It’s nice to have plenty of money. (Note: I don't say that it’s essential to have plenty of money; also, I do not define “plenty.”)

Most decisions don’t require extensive research.

If you want to talk to someone, stand next to that person while he/she finishes another conversation; in time that person will turn to speak to you.

That last Secret of Adulthood seems a little too specific to be on the list, but I must admit, it’s a secret that I’ve only recently understood and embraced, and it’s made my life much easier. That's why I posted about it yesterday, too.

Just the other night, at a cocktail party, I stood like a patient lump, until it was my turn to talk to someone to whom I needed to speak.

I said to myself, “It’s okay to stand here, and listen, until it’s my turn.” And it was okay, and I had my turn, and I accomplished what I needed to accomplish, and it was very satisfying.

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Comments

[Sugar Mouse In The Rain]

Please elaborate on those secrets.

[Natasha]

Concerning "Most decisions don’t require extensive research," there have been studies done on this, where people who are given technical specs to shop for a new computer ended up making poorer decisions (albeit marginally) than people who weren't given time to consider it. The people who were given time were also interrupted with a different sort of activity, like a crossword and then put back to the shopping task. I can't remember who did it, but "I heard it on NPR," therefore it's true. :D

Also: Congratulations on the Harper Collins thing...that's HUGE! And well-deserved. You're brilliant and funny and a joy to read!

[Mrs. Micah]

The research one reminds me of "informationism" where people are so inundated with information that they're overwhelmed. Plus, this can lead to their forgetting some of the important highlights in an attempt to remember it all.

[adora]

What I have discovered:
1) My roommate's mother once said, "Problems that can be solved with money aren't real problems." - Sickness, death and relationship trouble are the real problems.
2) We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us.
3) Most dry-clean-only garments can be washed.
4) Cellulite cream don't work.

[Michael Melcher]

My favorite rule is, "Buy whatever you want in the grocery store because it's always cheaper than eating out."

[Elisabeth]

One of my secrets of Adulthood came from a postcard given to me by an old friend:
Being perfect isn't real - being real is perfect.

[Aimee]

I would say a big secret is that how you keep your surroundings impacts your life for good or bad. So, keep it simple and clean. :)

[RichM]

You can probably drive for eight hours without stopping, but that doesn't mean that you should.

[Ella]

These are terrific. I don't really understand the third one (are you talking about geography? education? cooking?), but all of the others are very pithy observations.

[EAC]

I LOVE the "secrets of adulthood." It would be fun to expand upon them: secrets of marriage, secrets of parenthood, etc. As a 27 year old newlywed who is finally, sort of, starting to feel like an "adult," it is warming to read these ideas.

I do quibble with the "It's nice to have plenty of money" secret (though I know you tried to qualify it, Gretchen). My thought is: "Um, of course it is..." I think the richer, more interesting secret has to do with what you've discovered money ISN'T. (A fix for any "real problems" per the Adora's comment above, etc.)

Perhaps especially in my age bracket (late 20's), people are SO wrapped up in conspicuous consumption...we aren't sure who we are yet, so we let the things we purchase help define us rather than doing the dirty, messy, hard, worth-it work of discovering ourselves from within. I am trying so hard not to get wrapped up in that right now...my battle with what "plenty" of money represents, beyond the ability to live above the povery line, is complicated!

[Debbie M]

I also love these. Here are some more:

When changing a habit, prepare for the consequences. Even when you’re changing a bad habit, there may be negative consequences. I learned this when I quit biting my fingernails, after which they would get in the way of playing the piano and I starting having to trim them and clean them. So when I decided to take more initiative in making friends, I thought about what advantages I might have in letting my friends pick me—one big advantage is that I know my friends actually like me, since they took the initiative. If I starting taking initiative, I might never know if they liked me or were just being polite. I decided I was willing to take that risk.

In a new job, think about the worst thing that could happen and make sure you don’t do that. For example, when I worked at a pizza place, I decided the worst thing I could do was use the giant spatula to scoop the pizza out of the oven and then turn around to set it on the counter behind me without noticing someone coming up, and thus accidentally chopping him in the neck with the pizza spatula as the hot pizza slid into his face. That image kept me always looking over my shoulder before I made any sudden moves of this kind. As a camp counselor I decided the worst thing I could do would be to emotionally scar a camper forever. So I tried hard to be laid back about unimportant issues and to pay attention to what’s going on with people.

Whenever you meet someone new, you can start a conversation based on something you have in common, and you can always finds something. (I had to learn this from PBS.) For example, I once accompanied a friend to do interviews for medical school. While she was interviewing, someone else came in, and I asked him, “So, you’re interviewing for medical school?” It’s a stupid question, but once you figure out a first question, it usually gets easier. Other more common questions include the ubiquitous “So what do you do?” as well as “What is your major?” and “How did you meet the host?” and perhaps “So what are you in for?”

It’s good to know in which direction you tend to err. For example, when I’m sick or injured and starting to feel better and am wondering if some activity will be overdoing it, I can generally assume that the answer is yes because I tend to err on the side of being overly macho about these kinds of things. If I’m wondering whether I should quit beating my head against the wall and move on already, I know the answer is probably no because I know I’m more likely to quit too soon than too late.

Planning is not the same as trying (although it may be a good first step). Same with hoping, researching, or measuring. For example, if I buy a pedometer and check it longingly to see if I’ve reached 10,000 steps yet, that’s not the same as actually walking more. If I look up jobs sites and check for new jobs every day but never apply for anything, that’s not quite the same as job hunting.

I can generally afford anything I really want. That’s even though I can’t afford everything I want, at least not all at once, and even though I might not be able to afford it right now but might have to save for it.

When you are bored a lot, if a friend asks you to join them in some activity, and you’re not sure if you’d like it or not, say yes. (If you already have too much to do, then I don’t know what you should do.)

Things change. So, keep up on topics that are of interest. For example, I used to put my savings in passbook savings accounts, but then interest rates plummeted and CDs were paying so much more that it was worth risking the “substantial penalty for early withdrawal” to get the much higher interest rate, and now online savings accounts pay more than my banks CDs; who knows what’s next!

Don’t forget how to have fun. Kids know how, but so many adults don’t. Fun does not require alcohol (which many kids aren’t even allowed to have). And it doesn’t require money (which many kids aren’t allowed to earn). It’s so easy to get sucked into what you’re supposed to be doing for your job and your housekeeping and your nosy neighbors and other responsibilities, but don’t forget about “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

[Paul-Michael Agapow]

"I do quibble with the 'It's nice to have plenty of money' secret ..."

I had a revelation a couple of years ago when I had to give a course on ethics. (Not my usual patch but no one was qualified to do it, and I was the only free teacher. Go figure.) In preparing my notes I came across this statement:

1. The value of things can be either intrinsic (i.e. in themselves) or functional (i.e. what it can be used for).
2. Money and wealth has intrinsic value only.

This struck me as a simple but profound thought. Money is not valuable but useful. You can do good or bad with money.

[elysa]

I think I need to write this on a postit and stick it on my bathroom mirror "Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good."

I have been following your blog for a while and I was wondering if you would do a guest post - I am looking for various different people to give advice to people (mostly women) on life in your twenties. Kind of I wish I had know this when I was in my twenties type idea. I thought it was worth asking, let me know what you think.

[Matt]

I hate to burst your bubble, but it's most certainly NOT ok to stand by and listen to someone else's conversation because you want to talk to them next.
It's pushy and disrespectful. You've no right to make unilateral judgements about the confidentiality or importance of another person's conversation, or to pressure them to end it to talk to you.
You might get some short term results using this method, but you'll lose out long term as people come to resent that tactic.
If you have something urgent to say, interrupt (politely) otherwise do something else and try again later.

[Ann Teliczan]

I heard this quote and don't remember the source, but it is so true, it goes like this:
"When I was 20 and walked into a room full of strangers, I wondered who would like me. Now, I wonder who I will like."