The Happiness Project

This Wednesday: Four tips for surmounting boredom or irritation.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Four tips for surmounting boredom or irritation.

Samuel Johnson wrote, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”

One “little thing” that can be a source of unhappiness is being stuck on a task that’s boring or irritating. Sitting in traffic. Doing laundry. Waiting in a doctor’s office—or worse, having tests done.

The more you focus on your boredom or irritation, the more you’ll amplify that feeling. Here are four tips to “re-frame” the moment; even if you can’t escape a situation, by re-framing your emotions about it, you can transform it.

-- Put the word “meditation” after the activity that’s bugging you. (This is my invention.) If you’re impatient while waiting for the bus, tell yourself you’re doing “Bus waiting meditation.” If you’re standing in a slow line at the drugstore, you’re doing “Waiting in line meditation.” If you’re cleaning up after Halloween mayhem, you’re doing “Cleaning meditation.” Just saying these words makes me feel very spiritual and high-minded and wise.

– Dig in. Diane Arbus wrote, “The Chinese have a theory that you pass through boredom into fascination and I think it’s true.” If something is boring for two minutes, do it for four minutes. If it’s still boring, do it for eight minutes, then sixteen, and so on. Eventually you discover that it’s not boring at all. If part of my research isn’t interesting to me—like the Dardanelles campaign for Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill—I read a whole book about it, and then it becomes absorbing. The same principle holds when doing boring or irritating tasks, like washing dishes.

-- Take the perspective of a journalist or scientist. Really study what’s around you. What are people wearing, what do the interiors of buildings look like, what noises do you hear? If you bring your analytical powers to bear, you can make almost anything interesting. (Perhaps this is a key to the success of some modern art.)

-- Find an area of refuge. Have a mental escape route planned. Think about something delightful or uplifting (not your Christmas list!). Or maybe review photos of your kids on your phone (studies show that looking at photos of loved ones provides a big mood boost).

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One way to deal with frustrating moments that involve sitting in front of your computer -- waiting on hold to talk to the cable company, for example -- is to have a bunch of fascinating blogs on your "Favorites" list or in your RSS line-up. I cruise through a ton of great blogs; some that I always enjoy reading include: Marginal Revolution, Lifehacker, Unclutterer, and Galley Cat.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

A package arrived for me today: proof that keeping my happiness-project resolutions really does make me happier.

People often ask me, “Come on. Has doing your happiness project really made you happier?”

The answer is YES.

Today, for example, I’m very happy because a package arrived in the mail from New Haven, due directly to a convergence of many happiness project resolutions…

“Be Gretchen.” I embraced my true interests and passions, including the love of children’s literature, which, for a long time, I denied.

“Reach out,” “Bring people together,” “Spend time with bookish people.” I started a children’s literature reading group.

“Follow my curiosities.” After my children’s literature reading group read Peter Pan, I became very interested in J. M. Barrie, and I read Andrew Birkin’s terrific biography, J. M. Barrie and the Lost Boys. Birkin gives a tantalizingly brief description of a book Barrie made with photographs of his muses, the four Llewelyn boys. Barrie produced just two copies of The Boy Castaway of Black Lake Island, and one copy was lost immediately.

“Take time for adventures.” Having noted that the one extant copy of The Boy Castaways was in Yale’s Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, I made a pilgrimage to New Haven to see it for myself.

“Indulge in a modest splurge.” The moment I laid eyes on it, I realized that I HAD to have a copy! Digital images of the entire volume had been made, so I could order my own copy (images can also be viewed online). It was a not-so-modest splurge, actually, but I bought a copy of the book. It arrived today, and it is so fabulous!

“Think big,” “Make time for projects.” Inspired by The Boy Castaways, a very creative friend and I are planning a similar project using our children.

Every single element in this chain of events made me feel happy and energized. I’m so excited to have my very own copy of this book and to be starting an enormously challenging, creative project with a friend and our children.

I am 100% positive that before I started my happiness project and committed to my resolutions, I wouldn’t have started the book group, I wouldn’t have read the Barrie biography, I wouldn’t have traveled out of town to the Beinecke, I wouldn’t have splurged on the book – so it would never have occurred to me to collaborate on an homage to Barrie.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Irritated while waiting in line for lunch. What's the one ingredient that could make that irritation vanish?

Yesterday afternoon, I was stuck in a slow-moving line at a soup place.

The two women at the head of the line were taking a long time to make their selections.

“Can I try the Spicy Lentil?” asked one woman. She got her miniature cup of soup, tasted it, and said, “Too spicy! Wow! Ummm, can I try the Spicy Sausage soup?”

The clerk behind the counter was moving more and more slowly. She handed over another miniature cup.

“That’s too spicy, too!” the woman exclaimed.

The clerk shrugged without saying a word, but I could read her mind: “Lady, that’s why the soups are labelled ‘Spicy.’”

I was feeling very proud of myself for not losing my patience at this exchange, but the muttering behind me that suggested that others weren’t being quite so pure and high-minded.

Just then, the woman turned to her friend and said, “Oh, listen to me! I sound just like someone from Curb Your Enthusiasm. Make me stop!” She burst out laughing, and her friend joined in. I couldn’t help laughing, and the people behind me started laughing, too. A moment of impatience and irritability turned into a friendly moment shared by strangers.

Which just goes to show, once more, that the ability to laugh at yourself covers a lot of faults.

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I was very interested to discover a site that a friend pointed me to -- Vital Juice Daily, a daily email that gives information on trends and tips about how to live more healthfully. Good stuff.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Still trying to get these links to work.

Sorry to have a post that's a pure tech test, but I'm still trying to figure out if these links work. If you happen to have a second, I'd appreciate you letting me know if they do (or don't) work for you.

Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill
The Year of Living Biblically
Flow

This Saturday: a happiness quotation from Boethius.

“Nothing is miserable unless you think it so; and on the other hand, nothing brings happiness unless you are content with it.” -- Boethius

We've all heard various version of this observation so many times that it's hard to appreciate how EXTREMELY true and important it is to happiness.

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Creating Ms. Perfect is great blog that's very happiness-project-y; Kimberly Palmer is tracking her adventures as she reads women's advice books to try to figure out what kind of person she wants to be. It reminds me of Jennifer Niesslen's terrific book, Practically Perfect in Every Way, and blog -- except that, even when two people have happiness projects that sound fairly similar, they end up being completely distinct and idiosyncratic. And every one is interesting. Kim posted a Q-and-A with me.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

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Little House on the Prairie

It’s Friday: think about YOUR Happiness Project. How can you have more fun?

Not long ago, I had an epiphany – happiness projects for everyone! And people have responded enthusiastically.

Hundreds of people have emailed me to get a copy of my resolution charts, to use for inspiration. (If you’d like a copy, email me, grubin [at] gretchenrubin[.com] – ignore the anti-spam brackets.)

Jackie Danicki started the Happiness Project group on Facebook, and so far, almost 700 people have joined. Check it out.

Many people have started blogs themselves, to chart their own happiness projects. Our Happiness Project is an excellent example, really a great read.

One purpose of this blog, of course, is to help other people learn from my happiness project. But given this response, I’ve been thinking it would be a good idea to do a weekly post explicitly aimed at helping people design their own happiness projects, beyond just reacting to mine. It took me a lot of research and reflection to figure out how to set up a happiness project, so maybe I can help others to do it, too.

So I’ve decided to make this a new theme on the blog: how to design your own happiness project.

These posts won’t be arranged in any particular order. I love the peerless Flylady’s reassurance: “You’re not behind, you're just getting started!!” No need to start at the beginning or get caught up; just jump in whenever. So, without further ado...

Your Happiness Project: Today’s question for self-examination is -- how can you have more fun?

My First Splendid Truth about happiness is: to think about your happiness, you must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

Research shows that the absence of “feeling bad” doesn’t mean that you “feel good.” You must actually strive to find sources of “feeling good.” Having fun on a regular basis is a pillar of happiness.

Having fun sounds easy, but it’s not. Take the time to do some real self-reflection. As you ask yourself, “How can I have more fun?” keep two things in mind:

1. You must be honest about what’s actually fun for you. It’s a Secret of Adulthood: just because something is fun for someone else doesn’t mean it’s fun for you, and vice versa. Wine-tasting, skiing, baking cookies, reading mysteries—I personally would NOT enjoy any of these “fun” activities. They’re fun for some people; not for me. Don’t try to be self-improving, and don’t plan a “fun” event based on what other people would enjoy. Make time for something that’s fun for YOU.

2. Do have real fun. I often feel so overwhelmed by tasks that I think, “The most fun would be to cross some items off my to-do list. I’d feel so much better if I could get something accomplished.” In fact, though, I just make myself feel trapped and drained. If I take time to do something that’s truly fun for me (re-read Jane Eyre for the fifteenth time, call my sister), I feel better able to tackle that to-do list.

I’m going to break a lifelong vow here – never to quote Dr. Seuss for a nugget of life philosophy. When I was reading The Cat in the Hat to the Little Girl, these five lines hit me so hard I simply can’t resist.

Look at me!
Look at me!
Look at me NOW!
It is fun to have fun
But you have to know how.

So very true. You do have to know how to have fun -- and it takes serious reflection.

In case Dr. Seuss isn’t convincing, I’ll also invoke Samuel Butler:

“One can bring no greater reproach against a man than to say that he does not set sufficient value upon pleasure, and there is no greater sign of a fool than the thinking that he can tell at once and easily what it is that pleases him. To know this is not easy, and how to extend our knowledge of it is the highest and most neglected of all arts and branches of education.”

Have fun! Join me! Start a happiness project of your own! We’ll start a movement. And it really does work. You can make yourself happier.

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On second thought -- is this a bad idea? Is posting about "YOUR Hapiness Project" once a week going to seem redundant and didactic? Two great things about a blog is that 1) your readers can respond and 2) you can change what you're doing at any time. So let me know if you think it's a good idea or not.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

What it means to "Spend out" (Commandment #7) and why it's a good idea to spend out.

Probably the most idiosyncratic and cryptic of “My Twelve Commandments” (see left column) is “Spend out.” What does it mean?

Spend out encompasses several resolutions.

I have a miserly nature; by spending out, I mean to stop hoarding, to trust in abundance. I find myself saving things, even when it makes no sense. Not long ago, my last pair of jeans started falling to pieces. I made myself go shopping, bought two pairs -- and yet, I've still only worn one of the pairs. Why am I saving the others? Not wearing clothes is just as wasteful as throwing good clothes away.

I also need to spend out by letting things go. I re-use razor blades too many times, I keep my toothbrushes for too long. There is a preppy wabi-sabi to soft, faded khakis and frayed cotton shirts, but it’s not nice to be surrounded by things that are worn out, or stained, or used up.

Spend out applies to creativity as well as to possessions. I find myself thinking, “I should save that story…” or “I don’t want to use all my best examples now…” But pouring out ideas is better for creativity than doling them out by the teaspoon.

The most important meaning of “Spend out,” however, is that I shouldn’t be a score-keeper, I shouldn’t stint on love and generosity. As St. Thérèse of Lisieux wrote, “When one love, one does not calculate.”

I have a bad habit of keeping a running tally of who's done what.

"I gave the Little Girl a bath last night, so you..."

"I let you take a nap, so you..."

"I had to make the plane reservations, so you..."

NO! Spend out.

The vital notion behind spend out is that by spending, I create more gain.

I was intrigued by Arthur C. Brooks's article in the November Portfolio magazine, Giving Makes You Rich, which presents analysis showing that people who give money to charity end up wealthier than those who don’t give to charity.

I was astounded by this quite literal proof that “Spend out” does work.

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Somehow I missed this great post, A Zagat-Style Approach to Your Career, from the Shifting Careers blog when it ran last week. Ah, the joys of the RSS, so easy to catch up!

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

This Wednesday: Seven topics to avoid if you don't want to risk being a bore.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven topics to avoid if you don’t want to risk being a bore.

I hesitate to disagree with the immortal La Rochefoucauld, but I think he was wrong when he wrote, "We are always bored by those whom we bore.”

Not always (though I often remind myself of this observation when I'm feeling bored by someone else). I think that sometimes we find a topic so interesting that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that it might not be interesting to someone else. And most of us want to make a good impression and avoid boring other people.

Unless you get a truly enthusiastic response from your interlocutor—which is possible—be very wary of recounting…

1. A dream.
2. The recent changes in your child’s nap schedule.
3. The route you took to get here.
4. An excellent meal you once had at a restaurant.
5. The latest additions to your wine cellar.
6. An account your last golf game.
7. The plot of a movie, play, or movie—in particular, the funny parts.

What do these subjects have in common? The listener has nothing to add. He or she must just hear you describe your experience.

Now, it’s not as if these subjects could never be interesting to someone. A great story-teller, of course, can make anything interesting.

And if a person has a child the same age as yours, or is a fellow oenophile, or is truly very curious about the latest addition to Philip Roth’s oeuvre, you might have a happy conversational partner.

Be on guard, though, for glazed expressions, noncommittal grunts, or darting eyes.

And here’s a point that I constantly prod myself to remember, because I love to tell a good, long, self-interested story as much as anyone: if you’re having a conversation with someone, and it’s interrupted, and that person shows no interest in picking up the thread of the dropped conversation, let it go.

“Oh, just to finish what I was saying, then we switched from I-95 to the Hutch, and then we took the next exit, which was wrong, so then we turned around and…”

Of course, the seven topics listed above are just examples. I’m sure I’m missing some topics on which it’s easy to be boring. Any spring to mind? Help your fellow readers to stay the life of the party…

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If you want to get in the mood for Halloween, check out Extreme Pumpkins. I had never seen the site until someone gave me a copy of the book, Extreme Pumpkins, but then I had to see what was posted. This ain't Martha Stewart's vision of pumpkin-carving, but it's pretty funny. Living in a NYC apartment means that I can't really follow up on ideas involving power tools or highway flares, alas...

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

I've made an important new resolution: no more complaining about how tired I feel.

I’ve decided to nip a new bad habit in the bud.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been complaining constantly. “I’m exhausted,” “I feel so drained,” “I don’t have the energy to go to the park/organize a family playdate/run that errand.”

I’m sticking to my exercise routine. I’m going to sleep at a reasonable hour. I’m not sick. I’ve been trying the various tips I know about how to get a quick energy boost. I think that, from time to time, I just feel worn out. Then I feel better. This has happened before.

But I’m not giving myself a boost (or anyone else, certainly) by constantly repeating that I’m tired.

One of the critical pieces of information I’ve learned from the Happiness Project is that I should act the way I want to feel. If I want to feel more energetic, I need to act more energetic: pace when I talk on the phone, walk more quickly, put more energy into my voice.

This sounds like magical thinking, but hard science show that the “Fake it ‘till you feel it” strategy really works.

The least productive approach is to do what I’ve been doing – dwelling on my feelings of tiredness.

Of course, if this tiredness persists, I’ll go to the doctor. But I think it’s just a periodic bout of lethargy.

And with that last comment, I vow, I’ll stop talking about how tired I feel. As Samuel Johnson observed, “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

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For a long time, I've been fascinated by Chris Anderson's theory of the Long Tail, put forth in his book, The Long Tail. I visit his blog The Long Tail to hear what new insights he has.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.