This Wednesday: Seven topics to avoid if you don't want to risk being a bore.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven topics to avoid if you don’t want to risk being a bore.

I hesitate to disagree with the immortal La Rochefoucauld, but I think he was wrong when he wrote, "We are always bored by those whom we bore.”

Not always (though I often remind myself of this observation when I'm feeling bored by someone else). I think that sometimes we find a topic so interesting that it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that it might not be interesting to someone else. And most of us want to make a good impression and avoid boring other people.

Unless you get a truly enthusiastic response from your interlocutor—which is possible—be very wary of recounting…

1. A dream.
2. The recent changes in your child’s nap schedule.
3. The route you took to get here.
4. An excellent meal you once had at a restaurant.
5. The latest additions to your wine cellar.
6. An account your last golf game.
7. The plot of a movie, play, or movie—in particular, the funny parts.

What do these subjects have in common? The listener has nothing to add. He or she must just hear you describe your experience.

Now, it’s not as if these subjects could never be interesting to someone. A great story-teller, of course, can make anything interesting.

And if a person has a child the same age as yours, or is a fellow oenophile, or is truly very curious about the latest addition to Philip Roth’s oeuvre, you might have a happy conversational partner.

Be on guard, though, for glazed expressions, noncommittal grunts, or darting eyes.

And here’s a point that I constantly prod myself to remember, because I love to tell a good, long, self-interested story as much as anyone: if you’re having a conversation with someone, and it’s interrupted, and that person shows no interest in picking up the thread of the dropped conversation, let it go.

“Oh, just to finish what I was saying, then we switched from I-95 to the Hutch, and then we took the next exit, which was wrong, so then we turned around and…”

Of course, the seven topics listed above are just examples. I’m sure I’m missing some topics on which it’s easy to be boring. Any spring to mind? Help your fellow readers to stay the life of the party…

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If you want to get in the mood for Halloween, check out Extreme Pumpkins. I had never seen the site until someone gave me a copy of the book, Extreme Pumpkins, but then I had to see what was posted. This ain't Martha Stewart's vision of pumpkin-carving, but it's pretty funny. Living in a NYC apartment means that I can't really follow up on ideas involving power tools or highway flares, alas...

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Comments

[Doug]

Well, this is just ducky. Now I have to rewrite about a dozen posts on my blog.

You missed providing a detailed account of your fantasy football team's heartbreaking loss over the weekend.

Oh, and a thorough review of your struggles with your latest non-life threatening illness.

[David]

I would add:
- intricate details of the latest problem with your car and how the problem was fixed
- details of your office's politics-everybody has experience with office politics
- the gory details of your recent visit to the ER

[Mrs. Micah]

I'm going with Doug and David on the medical stuff particularly.

Dreams can be kind of appropriate when it's young women discussing their recurring pre-wedding nightmares (that happened to me today). But it's a fine line, if one person talks too much, then it's over.

[Pippa]

Yes! Conversation is, after all, an exchange between people, a dialogue ~ not a monologue. I think whatever the topic of conversation, as long as you stay alert to your conversation partner's interest and you make it possible for them to contribute, all is well. It is when I get the impression that I might just as well have been a garden ornament that I get bored ... and even feel disregarded, which is worse.

[Jackie]

I know people who do this and I don't mind every once in a while, but it's the people who are aware that a certain topic is boring, but proceed to give you every detail anyway.

[bbeagle]

I'm a big sports fan, but even I get tired of hearing about people's fantasy football maneuvers.

[Chance]

I always tire of descriptions of home renovations. Especially, "before" descriptions, such as "we used to have a wall right here, but felt so dark in here..."

[Glen]

How wonderful the latest love interest is; how awful with a complete detailed list of faults concerning the latest ex.

[Ella]

Great list. I would add:

The details of your latest deal/case/project. Unless it is of general interest.

The annoying habits of your colleagues.

The aggravations and anxiety associated with getting your child admitted to school (I include this one principally as a reminder to myself).

[Jason]

I really, really, really try and avoid using "what do you do for work" in non-work settings. I'd actually prefer to talk about any of the "boring" topics listed rather than go on about work.

[James]

When people talk about their kids' potty training habits. Actually, whenever it involves kids at all. Or when talking to an engineer about airplanes and they get off on a discussion about the wiring. Or discussions about sports stats. Yawn...
My grandmother used to give us what we called 'her organ recital' regarding her latest aches and pains. Spare me. And Holiday Family Newsletters - Yikes! Better than Ambien CR!

[pkzcass]

I get your point about not boring other people, but what you've listed and those added by other commenters basically leaves one thing left to talk about...the weather. I will ask someone what they do for a living, cause it show's I'm interested in them.

But I do agree with James about Holiday Family Newsletters!

[Eric]

Good points Gretchen. I suppose we're all guilty of some of these from time to time. As Ben Franklin said, "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

[Jim]

Dreams! Oh, how hearing about them irk me.

You forgot pets, especially about how SMART they are, and how MY dog, who may only have a brainsize somewhat on the order of a velociraptor, is REALLY QUITE smart, and can understand SO much! REALLY. Just look into his/her/its little rat-eyes - can't you see the intelligence in there?

Although really, pets just substitute for children in the above list for childless couples.

[Postmodernhousewife]

Personally, I don't mind too much if my friends launch into the latest on their dog, its vet visit and playdate, or if there's another list of the aches and pains. I love them, so I don't mind listening. Sometimes, I don't mind listening to a stranger's wafflings on their golf round or their football team's performance - maybe it matters to them, or maybe they just need to talk to someone about something.

I admit that potty training is getting a bit tiresome, because I've been a WFHM (work from home mom) for quite a while!

Ajahn Brahm said that he spends a lot of time just listening to people, 'because it's hard, being a human.'

Maybe that's why blogging is so popular. We can talk to thin air, and pretend someone is listening.

[catnip]

alcohol - I don't care what or how much you had to drink on any occasion, ever!

traffic - in a bizarre reversal of situation, my mother insists on asking me in great detail about how the traffic was whenever I visit her. I just grunt and try and change the subject, even I'm not interested in the traffic jams I had to endure. Most of the time I'm too busy thinking about more interesting things to even notice the traffic except if it was particularly bad, in which case I don't want to relive it!

your new favourite band - I'm likely to have been listening to them five years ago and am now bored of them ;-)

[Gabriel]

There´s 3 more:

Trying to convert someone to your religion.

Trying to explain how fantastic it is to scuba diving (or paragliding)

How cute your Dog is (or Cat)

[Frank]

I love this:

"The listener has nothing to add."

I realize that this is precisely the reason why people stop listening or lose interest. And this is precisely the point when a speaker should shut up.

Thank you!

[Random]

I'm not a fan of the "what do you do for a living?" question. I don't think the asker really cares. And if he does, he's probably judging you.

[stephanerd]

Oh lordy, I should send this post to my husband. He's been getting ridiculously excited about his online web design classes lately, and I'm thrilled for him. Really. He's found his passion.

But I can't handle listening to him go on about web coding anymore!

[Rupert]

Boring conversations can be good...

Allowing yourself to be bored by someone can give them a great conversational experience and leave them thinking that you are wonderfully intelligent, interesting or sympathetic (depending, I suppose, on what the converstaion was about) - even though you did little more than smile and nod.

Why? Because most people love to talk about themselves and the things that interest them. And if someone is given the opportunity talk, to an (apparently) attentive listener, about these things for as long as they like, they will come away thinking they have jolly good chat and shown how interesting and brilliant they are.

Nietsche said something about this (forgive me, I cannot recall exactly). I believe he suggested that most people love to show how brilliant they are in conversation, so the best conversation you can 'give' someone is one where they feel they have demonstrated their brilliance - i.e. where they talked and you listened attentively.

[Steve]

Poker hands/games

UGHHH

So then he raised, wait he checked, and I bet, so the other guy folded, and he....

Let me guess, the other guy was an idiot but he won anyway, right?

[Doug]

Rupert sounds like a happy person.

My comments were intended to be a bit tongue-in-cheek and I thought the focus was on avoiding being boring or lopsided in our half of a conversation. Somewhere along the way it turned into a list of what we don't want to hear from other people.

Whether or not we're bored with a conversation is our choice. If we don't like a topic, we can steer them away from it.

"Oh my, your dog sounds well-trained. I wish we could train our users to do X. How do you think we could make that happen?"

"Dude, I gotta interrupt you. If you can put this much intellect and energy into a pretend sports game, what is keeping you from solving problem Y?"

"Don't tell me. I'm going to put it in my Netflix queue. We can compare notes after I see it."

"Traffic was bad, eh? You should have taken that left in Albuquerque."

And, Steve's comment on the poker rehash is exactly what needs to be said right smack dab in the middle of the story: "Let me guess, the other guy was an idiot, but he won anyway, right?" That would get a major laugh, even from the speaker, and the conversation can get back on track.

I think we have a responsibility as listeners to either listen attentively or guide the conversation somewhere else.

My interpretation of Gretchen's tips was for us to pay attention to ourselves when we're the speaker because we probably won't be lucky enough to have a listener as kind and intelligent as ourselves.

[unavailable]

Any topic will make you a bore, if you do the talking. But listen to others talk - and you are adored.

[Michael Moncur]

I think the worst one is when someone gives you a complete description of a comic, a scene from a TV comedy, or a Youtube video.

It's VISUAL HUMOR, people. Unless you're amazingly good you can't duplicate it using words alone...

[Winslow Theramin]

Any story at all involving pets.

[Winslow Theramin]

Any story at all involving pets.

[Peterson]

investments, mutual funds, mortgages, almost anything financial really. Not only boring, but sometimes used in a bragging way....ugh!

[Cara]

My father, a college professor (aka a person who talks in other people's sleep) gave a great example of this yesterday: I was treated to a 10 minute rant about how there wasn't any chalk in his classroom. He went in detail on how he complained to his chairman about the problem, etc. Considering that my job is so bad right now that I'm taking Prozac to function (and I don't complain about it), I had very little sympathy for him.

[Liv]

Please don't talk to me about anything at all having to do with your high school reunion.

I recently had to listen to a story about some misinformation that made its way into the alumni newsletter of a graduating high school class from some twenty years ago, and how the class secretary quit in a huff because of it. I know exactly one of these people. I do not care about their former schoolmates' drama.

[Mark McElroy]

Dreams? Directions? The story of a great meal?

I'd much rather hear *any* of these tidbits recounted than spend a single minute of my life listening to an adult recounting "adventures" had during a role-playing (i.e, Dungeons & Dragons) game.

It seems to me there is a very high correlation between passionate involvement in role playing games and an inability to read and respond to conversational/social cues.

[chris]

I've read [in some etiquette or 'art of conversation' guide] there are are only three suitable topics of conversation: (1) current events, (2) topics of mutual interest, and (3) the weather. Number 2 is another way of phrasing Gretchen's observation that it's best to avoid topics for which "[t]he listener has nothing to add." Listing specific topics is pointless, because it will vary according to the listener and eventually include all topics [as evidenced by these comments].

[Andrew]

Everyone has their own opinions as to what is boring. I think you should be around people who share the same interests as you do so that neither person gets bored. I also think that you should at least attempt to have something interesting to say all the time in case you are with a stranger. Good article.

[Helen]

well said, Doug.

"My interpretation of Gretchen's tips was for us to pay attention to ourselves when we're the speaker because we probably won't be lucky enough to have a listener as kind and intelligent as ourselves."

[Mary Beth]

How fancy the wedding they went to was, how it was decorated, and what foods were eaten.

[attinelepnicy]

Greetings new friends

I just joined this forum and see that it is very active and full of people with great ideas. It seems like you all support each other well here too. I am looking for advice as I got laid off from my job 3 months ago and it looks like the mortgage company is going to foreclose on my home.

Do any of you have any advice or are you in a similar position?

I know this is a bit off topic for this forum so maybe you can please join me at LayOffRant.com and we can talk through what's going on with me and the economy in the USA.

[Karen]

The best way to ingage someone is to ask a question. When you want to prove a point or show your disagreement, it's better to ask a question and make them think thru their logic. Asking questions and drawing people out is the best way to get their attention. You direct the converstaion better too that way.

[EF]

You forgot about pets, especially CATS...for one reason or another I've found that some cat owners are guilty about going ON AND ON about their cats the way some people do about their kids

[Guffy]

I have a question...

If one has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and you talk on the phone nearly every night, how can you make the "what have you done today" routine question interesting? More specifically, if the answer has to do with work, how can that be made into a conversation that is interesting to both? Too often, the answers come out sounding like a chronological laundry list.

Thanks!

[Jeff]

This is terrible. How did you become a writer on this blog. I really hope you think about writing about a topic before you write about a topic. You will never be paid to be a journalist because you are boring and repetitive. Go to school and learn how to express your opinion and not bore people yourself.

[Case]

I stopped reading this after the 8th "paragraph". Just not interested in people who can't make my eyes dart, or leave me amusedly befuddled. I prefer creative or imaginative conversation and I suspect many others do as well. Any time I shift a dull standard topic to something random or humorously congruent, the conversation livens up tremendously. The trappings of everyday ho-hum conversation topics is the realm of the tragically adult and unfortunate societal conformists.

LOL

[Vicki in GA]

Listening to a person complain about the weather, traffic, or their aches, pains, and illnesses. Or, worse, American Idol and Dancing with the Stars!

Any conversation that starts with "on Oprah..."

I can't handle having conversations about anything with co-dependent people.

[vicki]

People's illnesses. If it isn't one thing, it's another. I can't stand it!