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  • Just drop me an email. The first part is grubin (then that familiar symbol). The second part is gretchenrubin (then a period, then a com). Sorry to be convoluted--because of spam.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

Secrets of Adulthood.

  • The best reading is re-reading.
  • Outer order contributes to inner calm.
  • The opposite of a great truth is also true.
  • You manage what you measure.
  • By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
  • People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
  • It's nice to have plenty of money.
  • Most decisions don't require extensive research.
  • Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
  • Even if you think they're fake, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
  • If you can't find something, clean up.
  • The days are long, but the years are short.
  • Someplace, keep an empty shelf.
  • Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
  • It's okay to ask for help.
  • You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
  • Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
  • What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
  • You don't have to be good at everything.
  • Soap and water removes most stains.
  • It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
  • You know as much as most people.
  • Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
  • Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
  • What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
  • People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
  • Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
  • If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
  • No deposit, no return.

Happiness theories I reject.

  • Flaubert: "To be stupid, and selfish, and to have good health are the three requirements for happiness; though if stupidity is lacking, the others are useless."
  • Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
  • Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
  • Sartre: "Hell is other people."
  • Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
  • Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
  • John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”
  • G.K. Chesterton: “Happiness is a mystery, like religion, and should never be rationalised.”
  • Solon: “Let no man be called happy before his death. Till then, he is not happy, only lucky.”

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This Wednesday: Ten tips for asking questions from the audience, plus a bonus Secret of Adulthood.

RaisehandEvery Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 10 tips for asking questions from the audience, plus a bonus Secret of Adulthood.
(I know, it's not actually Wednesday--I postponed the tips for one day.)

We’ve all been at panel discussions, large lectures, or big presentations. The Q-and-A period can be the most interesting part, but it sure helps if the audience does a good job of posing questions.

If you make a little effort, you can do a much better job of posing a question. It's worth keeping in mind that whenever you speak in front of a group, people (speakers and audience) form an impression of you, so it's a time to try to present yourself well. This is particularly important if you’re in a work environment—you have an opportunity to impress people whom you might not ordinarily meet.

Here are some things to keep in mind when you’re getting ready to ask a speaker a question:

1. Wait for the microphone, if there is one.

2. Pause for silence – don’t talk over a chattering crowd.

3. Don’t make excuses for yourself. This is tiresome and unnecessary.

4. Don’t address speakers by their first names. Some people will disagree with me, I’m sure, but this always strikes me as affected and inappropriately familiar, unless the mood of the presentation is extremely casual.

5. Don’t be long-winded.

6. Plan it out. This will help you avoid being long-winded.

7. Don’t ask double question. Give other people a chance.

8. If appropriate, say a little about yourself. Just a little.

9. Speak up. Nothing’s more frustrating to the audience than not being able to hear a question.

10. Remember: you’ll be happy that you asked a question. I’m one of those people who rarely asks a question at such an occasion. I never spoke in class in law school. But whenever I do participate, I feel more engaged and enjoy myself more. I’m working on speaking up.

Bonus Secret of Adulthood: You know the situation when you’d like to talk to someone who is surrounded by chattering people—whether after a lecture or at a cocktail party? Here’s a Secret of Adulthood: In a group, it’s okay to stand next to a person, and just listen, while that person finishes a conversation, and in time, that person will turn to speak to you. Other people understand this. Other people do this. They won’t think you’re rude, or clueless. Yes, it feels awkward, but it works. (If you need further tips on making conversation, try here.)

*
Whenever I go to Guy Kawasaki's blog, I find something interesting. This time, at his suggestion, I'm off to check out Website Grader.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Comments

I'd add this tip: Ask an actual question! I've noticed that, whether the topic is political or not, lots of people put up their hand to ask a question when what they really want is to have a monologue. No one is impressed, even if they agree with what you say. You just come off as pompous, socially backward, and lacking in self-awareness.

Obviously this is a pet peeve of mine!

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes they admit it, "This is more of a statement than a question..." which I actually find less annoying than the haranguing, leading non-question.

A subset of #3 is laying out your (perceived) credentials. "Mr. President, as a bricklayer, I'd like to know ..."

You're just as entitled to ask questions or have an opinion as anyone. What you do doesn't entitle you to anything.

I don't agree with that last comment...if you're talking to an elected official, he/she might be interested in your demographic. It seems to me your "as a bricklayer" is an excellent example of item #8. You're not establishing your credentials, you're just saying a little about yourself.

Gretchen,
That's a great picture of you, but I just came from Alexander Kjerulf's Here's what happiness at work looks like. I'm wondering if you have a picture where you're looking just a bit happier?

I don't agree with that last comment...if you're talking to an elected official, he/she might be interested in your demographic. It seems to me your "as a bricklayer" is an excellent example of item #8. You're not establishing your credentials, you're just saying a little about yourself.

Gretchen,
That's a great picture of you, but I just came from Alexander Kjerulf's Here's what happiness at work looks like. I'm wondering if you have a picture where you're looking just a bit happier?

When I was in law school, I once attended a lecture given by Justice O'Connor. A particularly annoying classmate posed a "question" during the Q&A. He began: "I have a tripartite question," and launched into an extended monologue designed to show how smart he was -- along the lines of what Jackie describes above. At the end, Justice O'Connor said: "Here is your tripartite answer. One: Yes. Two: No. Three: I couldn't quite discern the question in the third part."

In addition to actually being a question, a question should relate to a topic that will be of general relevance - it should not be about something that concerns only the asker specifically. (Here I am thinking less of large, general-interest lectures and more of school events and the like -- don't ask a question that relates only to your child when you are in a group of 100 people.)

I actually used the "after a lecture" tip this weekend! It did feel a little odd to just stand there and listen to the conversation going on, but it sure worked! And I don't think I would have gotten the chance to speak to the teacher otherwise.

Thanks for the tip,
Andrea

Great advice, Gretchen. I hope all audience members read and follow your advice.

It inspired me to write a companion piece with tips for encouraging/handling questions _from_ an audience: http://6minutes.wordpress.com/2007/11/02/leading-the-perfect-qa/


The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
-- Robert Heinlein


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My earth-shattering happiness formula.

  • To be happier, you need to think about FEELING GOOD, FEELING BAD, and FEELING RIGHT, in an atmosphere of growth. Clunky, but it works.

My second ground-breaking insight into happiness.

  • One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

9Rules

  • 9rules

LifeRemix

  • LifeRemix

What started me thinking.

  • "Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
  • “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
  • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
  • “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
  • “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
  • “A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
  • “For the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.” St. Therese
  • “Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
  • “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” Samuel Johnson
  • “I must do the work that I am best suited for…” Edward Weston daybook
  • “Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope
  • “How slight and insignificant is the thing which casts down or restores a mind greedy for praise.” Horace

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