Why happiness doesn’t always make you feel happy, or, my fun is making me blue.

Lately, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by some of the very things that are supposed to make me happy.

My resolutions are invaluable for keeping me on track to staying happy, but right now, they’re also stressing me out. I have too much to do. All these items are voluntary, all contribute to my happiness, but they’re time-consuming, energy-consuming, or brain-consuming –- or all three.

Plus, I do have a book to write!

Just off the top of my head, I can think of the following things I want to get done, to fulfill various resolutions.

“Spread family cheer” “Take time for projects” “Be a storehouse of happy memories”:
 I need to write the captions for the Shutterfly photo album I’m putting together of our summer photos (and it’s already October)
 I bought a special album for a series of photos of the girls as flower-girls in my sister’s wedding (in May); I need to paste them in

“Follow my curiosities” “Force myself to wander”:
 A biography of St. Therese of Lisieux recommended by Flannery O’Connor just arrived, Etienne Robo’s Two Portraits of St. Therese, and I’m dying to read it
 I just got Janet Malcolm’s Two Lives, and can’t wait to read that either, I loooove Janet Malcolm

“Cultivate rituals and traditions”:
 We need to decorate the apartment for Halloween and carve a pumpkin; thank goodness, we already have costumes
 In keeping with annual tradition, I took photos of the girls in those Halloween costumes, now I need to choose the best one, order copies, buy Halloween-themed picture frames, and give our annual Halloween memento photograph to both sets of grandparents, for their collections

“Give proofs of love” “Think of small treats or courtesies”:
 I told the Big Man I’d stop by the library to pick up a book he wants
 I need to buy the Big Man a birthday present (he wants new towels, of all things)

“Show up”:
 I want to see a friend’s new baby and visit a friend on bed-rest
 I’m trying to meet my friend target of three friends for the new school year

“Put things in circulation”:
 I got out a huge box of hand-me-downs from the Big Girl, and I need to sort through them to see what fits the Little Girl

“Keep a one-sentence journal”:
 I’m three days behind

“Take notes without a purpose”:
 I have a stack of books that I’ve read and marked, now I need to copy the marked passages into my notes (one book is Edward Weston’s Daybook, my inspiration for including his breathtaking photograph of a cabbage leaf, above)

Looking at this list is actually making me feel better. WHY am I complaining? I enjoy every single item on this list (well, except buying towels). I feel overwhelmed, but only because I’m allowing myself to feel that way. None of this is urgent, except that we need a pumpkin before Halloween and I’d like to visit my friends before months have passed.

Note to self: Remember, this is the fun part! Sheesh.

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A friend sent me this clip from YouTube, The Mom Song, in which comedian Anita Renfroe condenses everything a mother says in 24 hours into a 2 minute, 55 second song, which she sings to the William Tell Overture. It's hilarious, plus I have to admit, I'm such a softie that I got a little teary-eyed too. Another reminder to parents...The days are long, but the years are short.

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Comments

[Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk]

When I get in a situation like that I make a Possibility list instead of a To Do list. Same items, but the difference in inner peace and effectiveness is enormous. At the moment I've managed to simplify my life enough that my time management system (http://stresstopower.com/blog/2007/10/07/help-is-not-a-four-letter-word/
works pretty much automatically. My list is small enough that my subconscious mind can handle it without writing much down. What heaven!

[miep]

Gretchen, this blog is such an inspiration for me. Thank you for sharing your work with the world.

[Helen]

Gretchen, this post describes my experience so well. At the moment, I'm trying to keep all of the little 'to-do' things on my ordinary to-do list but bump all the 'project' type things onto their own list (I like RememberTheMilk.com for the former and 43Things.com for the latter, 'cause I'm nerdy and like to keep everything online).

On Monday mornings, I take a little time to review the 'projects' list and select a small number (no more than three) projects I'd like to work on in the coming week. Once I've selected them, I make a note of the actions required to make the project happen and schedule them on my to-do list for the week.

I'm still tweaking my system, but it's a nice feeling to know that all the things I want to do are stored somewhere where they won't be lost or neglected, and yet at the same time they're not constantly demanding my attention.

[Debi]

I'm a fan of the Flylady.net mantra - You're not behind - just jump in where you are!

[Tamlyn]

Thank you for this post, Gretchen. I have taken some good ideas away from it for my own happiness project :)

I have seven commandments now, and they already started to change my life :D I will post my commandments in my blog soon.

When I am stressed out, I always go do something physical, or something that I know will make me happy, like get some of my favorite cookies and sit down to read.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I LOOOOVE Flylady, and that mantra especially. These are all great suggestions to help these kind of "fun" projects stay fun and manageable, and not become a drag when they're supposed to provide a lift.

[HP van Duuren]

A lot of people believe we are 'Human - DO -ings' instead of 'Human - BE - ings', I do believe that the initial 'Intent' is more important than (always) taking ACTION.

So many Actions seem to be based on the 'Fear' or 'Worry' that things need to be done.

Personally I only like to 'ACT' on 'Inspired ACTION', not just Action for the sake of Action. If you DO because you are inspired to do, your actions come from feeling 'Happy' about it, not out of negative thoughts like feeling obligated or the need things need to be done.

How you FEEL about things is important as you might have read in my brilliant little ebook 'A VISION for a Happy, Healthy & Rich LifeStyle' :)

All the Best,
HP

P.S. Guess what kind of ACTION this comment has been, Yes 'Inspired Action', (Feel free to look at my blog for more Inspring stories, and don't be shy to add your own 'Inspired Comments'.)

[daria]

Dear Gretchen,

I love your blog, but one of the things to remember in life is that we're not supposed to be happy all the time! :):) Ya, I know you know this, but life is a journey of many experiences, what we need to do is to embrace them all and live them fully. Now that I reminded you, aren't you happy-er :)

[Louise]

May I suggest that you prioritize that list based on how you worded them here on the blog? Hint: the ones where you say "I NEED to do x..." maybe are weighing too heavily on you and perhaps aren't feeling fun anymore.

Compare that to the ones where you say "I WANT to do y..."

It is possible that in your zealous pursuit of happiness that you put a bit too much on your plate at once. It isn't necessary to fulfill all your resolutions at once. You have a big list! Maybe tackle one resolution per month?

[mary]

I find that slotting personal to-do's into "the next time it..." helps. For example - the next time my husband says he's working late - I'm going to see a 6 o'clock movie. I have see a movie (so many good ones coming out this fall!) checked off, and I know when I'm going to do it.

Growing up, organizing the photo albums was done on days we kids were home sick. Twenty years later, you can tell the ones my sister did, because pages will go by without my brother on them.

This was, of course, before scrapbooking made photo album creating something that shouldn't be done on cold medication. But it is still a nice activity for low energy times when you could use a boost.

And towels - order them from Lands End. They are really nice, last forever, and come in tons of colors. And they are very helpful with doing silly/funny/creative monograms. I still have the ones my mom gave me as a house warming present 20 years ago.

[Jessica]

Also, sometimes we just need a day off to do nothing. We work hard to make a good life for ourselves and everyone, but once in a while, we just need to let things go, and be at peace with the letting go because: (1) nothing bad will happen if those things are delayed for a day, and (2) they will still be there after you've had time to rest.

Take a nap, watch some brainless TV, and get some takeout! It's ok.

[Julia]

How about listing things we want to do less... the things that mindlessly chew up our day without any reward? There might be a rebound effect, though. For instance, if I say that I'll watch fewer Law & Order reruns, but become tempted to, I have to make a decision - how do I want to spend that timeslot - stretched out, relaxing a bit or doing something I'd rather do or needs to be done more? In the end, I think I'm less stressed because I've been more purposeful in the decision making.

[Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk]

Why do you want to make three new friends when you don't have time for the ones you already have? As they say, a good part of art is what you leave out. That isn't criticism, it's a real question for you to ask yourself.

[adora]

I always have problems with "supposedly fun/happy things". The anticipation is often much higher than the participation. And, as you said, we often underestimated the effort needed to do these things.
Try not to overload yourself. It's hard to enjoy anything when you are too busy.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Very good point about "I need to..." vs. "I want to..." I keep reminding myself that these are fun, voluntary activities, I do NOT "need" to do them. I choose to do them, I want to do them, I like to do them.

Yes, I think it's very important to just relax and kick back sometimes. That's one of the hardest things for me to do -- which is ironic, because I have an entire month's worth of resolutions devoted to getting more reading done (my favorite leisure activity by 1000%). But the biggest obstacle to my getting reading done is my ability to turn off my to-do list and pick up a book.

Interesting point about "no time for new friends." I made a very deliberate shift there. For years, I'd been feeling like I didn't have enough time for the friends I had, and I didn't have time for new friends. Then I decided NO! I DO have time for new friends. And you know what, I do. I don't see all these friends twice a week, but I realized that I could handle more friends than I anticipated. And boy, few things make me happier than friends -- and research shows that that's true for everyone.

[TasterSpoon]

That is a huge list. You're right that all the things sound fun, but wow.

One thing that helps me prioritize is pretending I'm ten years down the road looking back. In ten years will you (or your daughters) remember that one Halloween when you didn't get all the decorations up? Or in ten years will your friends remember that you cared enough to show up to celebrate their babies or to bring them chicken soup?

I'm so ashamed, I have four friends who've
had babies in the last couple of months and I haven't seen ANY of them yet! I am so trapped by prior commitments and keeping up with daily life. Maybe my resolution for happiness going forward will be to purposely plan some empty days or evenings into my schedule so that when these events occur I already have a little time locked away.

[Lucas]

http://www.scienceblog.com/cms/Too-much-happiness-may-be-too-much-good-thing-14565.html

[Dan Lennon]

Gretchen,

This topic is one that I find I'm constantly examining. Choosing between things when you want all of them is really hard. When a lot of my priorities are relationship based, I often will send a "Thinking of you" type of note, even if it's a quick few sentences to people who I won't be able to visit. It allows me to remain connected, even if I cannot attend their event this time around.

Reading about someone else going through this set me into action writing my thoughts on the matter. You can read about it here if you like: http://runningwithit.com/?p=24

Thanks for the inspiration!