The Happiness Project

It’s Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. To do: Find an area of refuge.

Not long ago, I had an epiphany – happiness projects for everyone! Join in! No need to catch up, just jump in now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Today is Winston Churchill’s birthday, which got me thinking about my “area of refuge.”

We all suffer from negativity bias, that is, we react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good.

Research shows one consequence of negativity bias is that when people’s thoughts wander, they tend to begin to brood. Anxious or angry thoughts capture our attention more effectively than happier thoughts.

Also, indulging in overthinking—dwelling on trifling slights, unpleasant encounters, and sadness—leads to bad feelings. I can enrage myself by obsessing on some petty annoyance.

Once, when I was back visiting Yale Law School, I noticed a sign by an elevator, declaring—to my surprise—that the area was an “area of refuge.” I’m guessing it’s where a person in a wheelchair or with some other difficulty should go in case of fire.

The phrase stuck in my mind. Now, if I feel myself dwelling on bad feelings, I seek a mental “area of refuge,” a subject for my thoughts that calms or cheers me.

I often I think about Winston Churchill, and his great speeches, and the tremendous arc of his life. Having written his biography, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, means that I have an inexhaustible supply of Churchill material to contemplate.

For example. Before the war, Churchill strenuously opposed Neville Chamberlain and his appeasement policy. It was Chamberlain who, after meeting Hitler, decided “here was a man who could be relied upon when he had given his word.” But once Churchill joined his government, he became Chamberlain’s loyal servant, and he continued to treat Chamberlain with courtesy after he’d replaced him as Prime Minister. When Chamberlain died in 1940, Churchill gave a tribute to Chamberlain that honored his life while acknowledging his mistakes.

I practically have this passage memorized.

The only guide to a man is his conscience; the only shield to his memory is the rectitude and sincerity of his actions. It is very imprudent to walk through life without this shield, because we are so often mocked by the failure of our hopes and the upsetting of our calculations; but with this shield, however the fates may play, we march always in the ranks of honor.
It fell to Neville Chamberlain in one of the supreme crises of the world to be contradicted by events, to be disappointed in his hopes, and to be deceived and cheated by a wicked man. But what were these hopes in which he was disappointed? What were these wishes in which he was frustrated? What was that faith that was abused? They were surely among the most noble and benevolent instincts of the human heart – the love of peace, the toil for peace, the strife for peace, the pursuit of peace, even at great peril, and certainly to the utter disdain of popularity or clamour. Whatever else history may or may not say about these terrible, tremendous years, we can be sure that Neville Chamberlain acted with most perfect sincerity according to his lights and strove to the utmost of his capacity and authority, which were powerful, to save the world from the awful devastating struggle in which we are now engaged….
Herr Hitler protests with frantic words and gestures that he has only desired peace. What do these ravings and outpouring count before the silence of Neville Chamberlain’s tomb?

Gosh, no matter how many times I’ve read that, it still puts tears in my eyes.

Or sometimes I think about some funny things the Big Man has done. Years ago, he came into our bedroom in his boxers and announced, “I am LORD of the DANCE!” and hopped around, with his arms straight at his sides. I still laugh every time I think about it.

So what could be an area of refuge for YOU? A friend told me that she always thinks about her children. Another friend—not a writer—makes up short stories in her head.

When Arthur Llewelyn Davies, the father of the boys who inspired Peter Pan, was recovering from an operation that removed his cheek bone and part of the roof of his mouth, he wrote a note to J. M. Barrie:

Among the things I think about
Michael going to school
Porthgwarra and S’s blue dress
Burpham garden . . .
Jack bathing
Peter answering chaff
Nicholas in the garden
George always

These phrases mean nothing to an outsider, but for him, they were areas of refuge.

So come up with a few phrases or memories or scenes that fill you with peace, or exaltation, or good humor. The next time you feel yourself spiraling down into anger or despair, find an area of refuge in your mind.

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I was intrigued by this post by Seth Godin that argues that a caricature is more effective than a "realistic" depiction. This seems like one of those insights that will end up seeming quite significant in many different arenas.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

I’ve finally given up “fake food” for good. I hope.

I’ve vowed before to give up fake food. It was one of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2007, in fact.

But I fell off the wagon pretty quick. I did manage to give up the fakest of fake foods, my beloved Nutritious Creations chocolate-chip cookies.

Nevertheless, I was still eating tons of “food” that came in crinkly packages from corner delis. One-serving packages of Apple Jacks or Sugar Pops, Snackwell’s cookies, Nutrigrain bars…I didn’t kid myself that this “food” was healthy, but I ate a lot of it.

Somehow, reading Gary Taubes’s Good Calories, Bad Calories a few weeks ago finally convinced me to stop, cold turkey. And I haven’t had fake food in three weeks.

I know myself well enough to know that I had to give up all fake food, cold turkey. I’m in the same camp as Samuel Johnson, who remarked, “Abstinence is as easy to me as temperance would be difficult.”

Now, to be honest, I don’t consider diet soda a “fake food.” And I still eat Tasti-D-Lite, the yummy frozen “yoghurt” treat. And I use tons of artificial sweetener. I still eat candy and other sweets. But no more crinkly packages.

I haven’t noticed any change in my body. I haven’t lost weight, I don’t have more energy, I’m not any more or less hungry.

But I feel much HAPPIER. I hadn’t realized that I got a prick of conscience every time I bought those items that I knew had no nutritional value and that I was substituting for healthy food. Or when I read an article about the importance of eating right. Or when I reflected on what I’d eaten in a particular day.

The First Splendid Truth holds that to think about happiness, we must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

My bad eating habits were giving me a lot of “feeling bad.” Now those bad feelings have been removed. Such a relief.

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One subject that fascinates me is the presentation of information. The way that you shape and display information makes a huge difference to the way it is received. So a place I like to visit is Presentation Zen. I'm slowly working my way through the recommended reading list, as well.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

This Wednesday: Eight tips for how to behave yourself -- from 1500-ish.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for how to behave yourself -- from Erasmus, around 1500.

Studying happiness has shown me that there are very few new truths out there.

It’s like dieting. New diet books hit the shelves every day, but we know that the real secret to staying slim is to eat better (mostly plants), eat less, and exercise more.

Likewise, the keys to leading a happy life have been around for a long time. I get a big kick out of uncovering “tips lists” from the past -- Sydney Smith's tips for cheering yourself up from 1820, Francis Bacon's tips for how to be happy from 1625, Lord Chesterfield’s tips for pleasing in society from 1774.

In De Civilitate, Erasmus gave eight tips about how to behave yourself around other people. He wrote this list around 1500 A.D., and his advice has a long shelf life.

According to Erasmus, you should not…
1. gossip
2. tell unkind stories
3. boast
4. indulge in self-display
5. seek to defeat others in argument
6. interrupt people when they tell a story
7. be too inquisitive

You should…
8. be discreet about your own thoughts and actions

Every day, when I fill out my resolutions chart, I review my Twelve Commandments (see left column), and I’ve added Erasmus’s list as an appendix.

I’ve been very surprised by the effectiveness of reviewing a list of goals. It turns out that re-reading admonitions like “Don’t interrupt people” and “Don’t tell unkind stories” day after day does, in fact, help me to act better.

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Safari readers -- I think I found the missing link! If the problem is fixed, thanks so much to everyone who wrote me with such helpful, specific advice.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is "It's okay to ask for help," and zoikes, it really does work! (Assuming, of course, that the problem is in fact fixed. If not, I'll keep trying)

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Safari readers: I share your pain. And I'm working on it.

Hi, all you annoyed Safari readers out there.

I know that the text of the posts looks underlined, and that you can't post comments. I'm trying to fix the problem.

One reader told me that the problem disappeared when she updated her Safari, which made me think that this was a Typepad problem.

Well, I'm still going back and forth with Typepad, but at least initially, they're suggesting that it may be some mistake somewhere on the blog.

I think that the people who see the problem can't post. However, if you could take one second to email me [grubin [at] gretchenrubin [[dot]] [com]] to let me know if there is a post at which the problem appears, I can look there at that first affected post to see if I can spot a problem.

I ran the "Markup Validation Service," which uncovered 173 errors! I can't understand them, let alone fix them.

Also, if you have any general advice for a very un-tech-savvy person about how to fix this, I'd appreciate it VERY MUCH.

And please try to keep reading, despite the underlining...

In which I am filled with happiness at the sight of a store, Tender Buttons, in my neighborhood.

The other day, I happened to walk down 62nd Street near Lexington Avenue and passed by a little store, Tender Buttons. It’s a shop that sells nothing but – you guessed it – buttons.

The funny thing is that I frequently walk very close to the store, because it’s on my way to my gym, but I hadn’t walked down this particular block for years, apparently.

I was instantly flooded with happy memories. When I was growing up in Kansas City, my mother told me about visiting Tender Buttons on a trip to New York.

My mother has an extraordinary appreciation for beautiful and fine objects, and a real sense of style, so she was enthralled by this best-of-buttons store.

A few years later, when I came to New York with my parents, my mother and I made a return trip to the store. I felt very cultured that I picked up the reference to Gertrude Stein.

Tender Buttons represented everything that I still love most about New York City – the atmosphere of limitless possibility, the sense that lovely and quirky places are around every corner, the hope that people can make a good living pursuing an idiosyncratic passion.

The store is still there, but I’d forgotten about it – and it has been right in my neighborhood, this whole time. When I found it, I didn’t buy any buttons; I didn’t even go inside. Nevertheless, it made me very happy to re-discover it.

It’s funny what we remember about other people. I’m sure my mother has no recollection of telling me about Tender Buttons, or shopping there with me, and yet the mere sight of the store sign flooded me with tender thoughts of her.

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PsyBlog promises to help you "study scientific psychology the easy way." If you love a good psychology study -- and goodness knows, I do -- then this is a site you should check out. It's crammed with interesting material.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

One way to try to figure out what someone REALLY thinks.

I’m a big fan of the blog Marginal Revolution, so I was really looking forward to reading Tyler Cowen’s book, Discover Your Inner Economist: Using Incentives to Fall in Love, Survive Your Next Meeting, and Motivate Your Dentist.

And I wasn’t disappointed. This is just the kind of book I love, with lots of insights into human nature and explanations of why people (including me) behave the way they do.

Several sections jumped out at me, but one in particular was unusually compelling – about how to get people to reveal their true opinions.

As I've discussed in an earlier post, Daniel Gilbert’s fascinating book, Stumbling on Happiness, is all about “affective forecasting.” He explains how people make predictions about what will make them happy in the future, and why they tend sometimes to make mistakes. Say, by spending $300 on a big tattoo today, and ten years later, paying $6,000 to get it taken off.

Gilbert argues that the most effective way to predict what’s likely to make you happy in the future is to ask someone who is having that experience at the moment. For example, before signing up to work in a law firm, you’d ask people who are associates at law firms whether they like their jobs (the more similar such surrogates are to you, the more helpful their information is likely to be).

Gilbert maintains that although we all feel very idiosyncratic, we’re much more alike in our preferences than we imagine—so the experience of other people is the best guide to follow.

But sometimes when we ask an important question, we know that people might be reluctant to give a true opinion. Maybe they’re worried about angering someone else, or appearing unsophisticated, or maybe they feel uncomfortable with what they think.

Tyler Cowen made an observation that I think is absolutely fascinating, and one that provides a possible solution to this non-disclosure problem. He writes:

To get a person’s real opinion, ask what she thinks everyone else believes…If people truly hold a particular belief, they are more likely to think that others agree or have had similar experiences. For instance, if a man has had more than thirty sexual partners, he will more likely think that such behavior is common. After all, his life is one ‘data point,’ and that data point presumably weighs heavily in his mind…Furthermore the man with more than thirty partners probably knows a higher percentage of other people with thirty partners or more. This will further encourage him to make a high estimate of how many partners other people have had… [People] tend to assume that other people have had life histories at least somewhat similar to their own. When we talk about other people, we are often talking about ourselves, whether we know it ourselves.

So imagine that you’re considering sending your children to a particular summer camp. Asking your friend, “Are most families pleased with the camp experience?” instead of asking, “Were you pleased with the camp?” might elicit a better answer.

Or maybe you’re considering going to a particular doctor. A person might not want personally to express disloyalty, but if you said, “How do most patients feel about that doctor’s office?” you might hear more.

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A reader emailed me to say that, on the topic of making lists for keeping resolutions or working towards goals, he recommended a post on the blog LiteMind. If you're the kind of person who benefits from this kind of exercise (and if you are, you know it, and are itching to find another excuse to make a list!), check it out.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.

If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

This Sunday: a happiness quotation from Benjamin Franklin.

“A good conscience is a continual Christmas.” –Benjamin Franklin

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If you like making lists and setting out your resolutions, take a look at Your 100 Things. This site organizes goals into 16 categories -- you can also see other people's goals. I have my own resolution charts that keep me plenty busy (email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [dot] [com] if you'd like to take a look, for inspiration) but this looks like another great way to think through and commit to goals.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

A new career option: happiness consultant!

Reading the New York Times yesterday gave me an idea for a new career possibility – along with being a writer about happiness, I’ll be a happiness consultant!

Lynnley Browning’s article, For Lawyers, Perks to Fit a Lifestyle, mentioned that one Chicago law firm has a “happiness committee.” Some members of the firm get together to figure out how to give everyone working there a happiness boost.

Great idea! Sign me up! I’m a big believer in the idea that a few small changes might really make a difference in people’s happiness. As I explained in earlier posts, I believe companies can absolutely boost the happiness of their employees – what’s more, it’s economically prudent for them to do so.

However, I’m not sure that I agree with this committee’s approach. Recently, the happiness committee left candied apples on everyone’s desk. Last month, they distributed milkshakes.

It’s true that getting a surprise treat gives people a real boost. Studies show the people’s brains react much more strongly to surprise pleasures than to expected pleasures.

Being handed a free sample, finding a dollar bill on the street, being surprised by a gift – any kind of surprise treat gives people a thrill. As a consequence of this improved mood, they become more generous, more friendly, more creative, and better at problem-solving.

And I see that handing out edible goodies is an inexpensive and easy surprise treat.

However, I bet those treats brought a lot of unhappiness, as well as happiness. So many people are trying to eat better or to watch their weight– a surprise milkshake indulgence could result in a lot of guilt, remorse, and blown diets. And taking steps that undermine people’s attempts to eat more healthfully is hardly in the long-term interests of the firm (a huge percentage of insurance costs are obesity related – and more all the time).

What would I suggest that the happiness committee distribute instead? Or what else should they do? I have lots of ideas! Hire me as your happiness consultant, and watch your company’s Subjective Well-Being index soar!

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Ah, Boing Boing! Always satisfying, always something surprising and new. Almost as good as finding a candied apple on your desk, or a quarter left behind in the vending machine.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

It's Thanksgiving -- here are four questions to ask yourself, to help boost your feelings of gratitude.

Today is Thanksgiving. Here are four questions to ask yourself, to help you feel grateful for your ordinary life.

1. Do you suffer chronic or intense physical pain?

2. Have you recently received heart-breaking news?

3. Have you done anything that makes you burn with remorse?

4. Is every member of your family safe?

It’s easy to forget to be grateful for the most important foundations of daily life.

On a less transcendant note, if you're worried about overindulging at the dinner table today, check out thirteen tips for staying in control of holiday eating.

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If you’re coming via today’s New York Times or Zen Habits, welcome!

I’m very GRATEFUL to Henry Fountain, who wrote about the Happiness Project in his article, Let Us Give Thanks. In Writing. The importance of the emotion of gratitude to happiness is a fascinating subject.

One of my favorite blogs, Zen Habits, featured a guest post from me: Take this quiz: Are you an under-buyer or an overbuyer? I have to admit, I think it's pretty funny.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

It's Thanksgiving -- here are four questions to ask yourself, to help boost your feelings of gratitude.

Today is Thanksgiving. Here are four questions to ask yourself, to help you feel grateful for your ordinary life.

1. Do you suffer chronic or intense physical pain?

2. Have you recently received heart-breaking news?

3. Have you done anything that makes you burn with remorse?

4. Is every member of your family safe?

It’s easy to forget to be grateful for the most important foundations of daily life.

On a less transcendant note, if you're worried about overindulging at the dinner table today, check out thirteen tips for staying in control of holiday eating.

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If you’re coming via today’s New York Times, welcome!

I’m very GRATEFUL to Henry Fountain, who wrote about the Happiness Project in his article, Let Us Give Thanks. In Writing. The importance of the emotion of gratitude to happiness is a fascinating subject.

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New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.