It’s Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. To do: Find an area of refuge.

Not long ago, I had an epiphany – happiness projects for everyone! Join in! No need to catch up, just jump in now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Today is Winston Churchill’s birthday, which got me thinking about my “area of refuge.”

We all suffer from negativity bias, that is, we react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good.

Research shows one consequence of negativity bias is that when people’s thoughts wander, they tend to begin to brood. Anxious or angry thoughts capture our attention more effectively than happier thoughts.

Also, indulging in overthinking—dwelling on trifling slights, unpleasant encounters, and sadness—leads to bad feelings. I can enrage myself by obsessing on some petty annoyance.

Once, when I was back visiting Yale Law School, I noticed a sign by an elevator, declaring—to my surprise—that the area was an “area of refuge.” I’m guessing it’s where a person in a wheelchair or with some other difficulty should go in case of fire.

The phrase stuck in my mind. Now, if I feel myself dwelling on bad feelings, I seek a mental “area of refuge,” a subject for my thoughts that calms or cheers me.

I often I think about Winston Churchill, and his great speeches, and the tremendous arc of his life. Having written his biography, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, means that I have an inexhaustible supply of Churchill material to contemplate.

For example. Before the war, Churchill strenuously opposed Neville Chamberlain and his appeasement policy. It was Chamberlain who, after meeting Hitler, decided “here was a man who could be relied upon when he had given his word.” But once Churchill joined his government, he became Chamberlain’s loyal servant, and he continued to treat Chamberlain with courtesy after he’d replaced him as Prime Minister. When Chamberlain died in 1940, Churchill gave a tribute to Chamberlain that honored his life while acknowledging his mistakes.

I practically have this passage memorized.

The only guide to a man is his conscience; the only shield to his memory is the rectitude and sincerity of his actions. It is very imprudent to walk through life without this shield, because we are so often mocked by the failure of our hopes and the upsetting of our calculations; but with this shield, however the fates may play, we march always in the ranks of honor.
It fell to Neville Chamberlain in one of the supreme crises of the world to be contradicted by events, to be disappointed in his hopes, and to be deceived and cheated by a wicked man. But what were these hopes in which he was disappointed? What were these wishes in which he was frustrated? What was that faith that was abused? They were surely among the most noble and benevolent instincts of the human heart – the love of peace, the toil for peace, the strife for peace, the pursuit of peace, even at great peril, and certainly to the utter disdain of popularity or clamour. Whatever else history may or may not say about these terrible, tremendous years, we can be sure that Neville Chamberlain acted with most perfect sincerity according to his lights and strove to the utmost of his capacity and authority, which were powerful, to save the world from the awful devastating struggle in which we are now engaged….
Herr Hitler protests with frantic words and gestures that he has only desired peace. What do these ravings and outpouring count before the silence of Neville Chamberlain’s tomb?

Gosh, no matter how many times I’ve read that, it still puts tears in my eyes.

Or sometimes I think about some funny things the Big Man has done. Years ago, he came into our bedroom in his boxers and announced, “I am LORD of the DANCE!” and hopped around, with his arms straight at his sides. I still laugh every time I think about it.

So what could be an area of refuge for YOU? A friend told me that she always thinks about her children. Another friend—not a writer—makes up short stories in her head.

When Arthur Llewelyn Davies, the father of the boys who inspired Peter Pan, was recovering from an operation that removed his cheek bone and part of the roof of his mouth, he wrote a note to J. M. Barrie:

Among the things I think about
Michael going to school
Porthgwarra and S’s blue dress
Burpham garden . . .
Jack bathing
Peter answering chaff
Nicholas in the garden
George always

These phrases mean nothing to an outsider, but for him, they were areas of refuge.

So come up with a few phrases or memories or scenes that fill you with peace, or exaltation, or good humor. The next time you feel yourself spiraling down into anger or despair, find an area of refuge in your mind.

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I was intrigued by this post by Seth Godin that argues that a caricature is more effective than a "realistic" depiction. This seems like one of those insights that will end up seeming quite significant in many different arenas.

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Comments

[Helen]

Wow!
Thank you for sharing such a powerful post!

[Larry Kryske, Commander, U.S. Navy (Ret.)]

Churchill's magnanimous treatment of Chamberlain both before and after he became Prime Minister reveals another important attribute of Churchill's character. As he once said, "Generosity is always wise."

[Louise]

If I want to put myself into a better frame of mind quickly, I close my eyes and picture my loved ones laughing. The mental image of a favorite person with a huge smile on their face, laughing out loud, never fails to make me smile, too.

Try it!

[Patti]

I recently found these mantras which help me find a place of refuge every day, from Thich Nhat Hanh, "Breathe, you are alive!" and "Smile" They remind me simply to breathe and smile and be grateful for being alive. Your tale of your husband jumping around playing "Lord of the Dance" made me smile too! :)

[Caryn]

Thanks for this - it comes at a time I greatly need it.

[Travelinoma]

This post is especially meaningful today. My dear friend tried to commit suicide yesterday. I have been begging her for a few years to get counseling, but she has refused. It's very frustrating. (Her husband and children are in charge of the situation, and I'm a frantic bystander with no influence on them.)

I've shared many of the insights from your blog, hoping they would lift her spirits. The idea of an area of refuge is both profound and simple. It will give me something new to suggest.

[Rajhans]

What a an amazing post.Wow.

[Lily]

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

What powerful ideas of grace, compassion, and understanding - and how incredibly well expressed. Thanks for sharing. Churchill was one of the most incredible speakers I've ever had the privilege to encounter. His speeches never fail to give me goosebumps - and then I think of George W and I cry.

[Christy]

After a few years of sitting with a sangha (meditation group) that practiced Zen Buddhist meditation in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hahn, I take refuge in the sound of the meditation bell. The funny thing about that training is that whenever I hear a bell sound, no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I find myself pausing, taking a deep breath and smiling.

Great blog!

[R.M. Koske]

I know this is late, and she may not see it, but...

Louise, thank you. I've been trying to think of areas of refuge, and I came up with one or two, but your idea wasn't one I'd thought of. It works brilliantly.

My earliest area of refuge (invented accidentally) is reciting poetry. I have memorized a few poems (Jabberwocky is one, so don't think I'm being all highbrow with this!) and I've discovered that if my mind is racing with anxiety, reciting the poems I know forces my attention away from my worries long enough to calm me down.

[Adrian]

One of the most important prayers for Buddhists is the "3 refuges":

I go for refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha.

What I find particularly powerful is the idea that you can find refuge in trying to act in the way you believe to be right and good (the Dharma). Times when we doubt ourselves, our choices, or when we find ourselves challenged are when we often need that refuge.

[Martin]

Awesome post. The Churchill passage was outstanding as well.

[sb]

The Churchill excerpt is a powerful passage, and thought-provoking. It makes me think: Does it apply across the board? To have sided with one's conscience and been wrong, may comfort the one who erred, but is it enough to vindicate them in the eyes of history? I don't mean to get political about this, but since you cite political figures, then by this measure, should it not hold true for, say, Bush and Cheney who believed (or at least say they believed) they sincerely followed their consciences in exploiting all manner of military, intelligence and legal techniques in the name of national security? That they did what they did to keep Americans safe? Even if they ultimately fall on the wrong side of history, will their "good intentions" be enough to vindicate them? How does someone who errs on the side of being hawkish, and cuts a less sympathetic figure, compare to someone who errs on the side of being dovish, like Chamberlain, or, say, Carter during the Iran hostage crisis?

[Elizabeth]

I think Churchill was saying, not that Chamberlain was right, or that history vindicated his actions. Rather that he was a man of honor in that he was sincere.

According to Churchill's opinion of him (historians may differ on this), he didn't support appeasement because it was easier, more popular, or because he was a coward, rather because he thought it was right and would work. The fact that he was mistaken didn't change that he was sincere in his good intentions.

So, if you believe the Bush administration was sincere, but their policies misguided, then they would be similarly honorable.

Now, I think in all cases this doesn't 'vindicate' the politician entirely in the eyes of history. They still made bad calls in retrospect, and it is the job of a good politician to make good calls. But, everyone is fallible and hindsight is 20-20.

I think the distinction here that Churchill is making is between making a mistake for the wrong reasons (because it would make you popular and get you re-elected say) versus making a mistake because you were misinformed or had a failure of vision. So, you might be a good person, but fail at at least part of your role.

And, to tie this back in, I think there are happiness lessons here too. We all mess up sometimes in our roles as employees, friends, spouses, parents, etc, but often we made these mistakes not because of bad impulses, but because we were misinformed, or made an error. These errors don't necessarily mean we are bad, simply mistaken. Likewise, maybe we can sometimes be like Churchill and think the better of people who do the wrong things if they seemed to do it for the right reasons.

[K]

There's a dangerous possibility, though, in an area of refuge. Once, my area of refuge was my one-sided crush. So my crush grew and grew out of proportion with reality, because I needed it. And parents can treat their children this way, or we can build up our dreams of success, in a way that can be cruel or set us up for failure.
So when designing an area of refuge, it's important not to attach disproportionately. When Gretchen thinks of Churchill, she doesn't expect Churchill to admire her back; the love is unconditional.