This Wednesday: Five tips for gestures that look generous on the surface, but in fact, are thoughtless or even destructive.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Five tips for gestures that look generous on the surface, but in fact, are thoughtless or even destructive.

Do you WANT to annoy someone? Do you want to pretend to be generous, while in fact, you’re behaving in a way that’s irritating or perhaps even hurtful?

Never fear, you can be inconsiderate, and even controlling and sabotaging—under the cloak of thoughtfulness!

Here are some suggestions, just to spark your thinking:

1. Bring over a rich dessert to a person who is perpetually trying to lose weight.
2. Ignore a wedding-gift registry and give a couple a gift they haven’t registered for.
3. Buy a toy that makes a loud noise—or maybe even a pet!—as a surprise for someone else’s child.
4. Even in the face of polite protest, insist that everyone must come to your house for Thanksgiving dinner.
5. Tell your child, “I’m happy to pay for college—but only if you major in XX or XX. Otherwise, you’re on your own.”

If you don’t think about it much, you might manage to fool even yourself into thinking that you’re behaving with someone else’s benefit in mind.

Along those lines, here are some tips for how NOT to be happy.

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Liz Tascio at the great new site HumanKind ("a blog about healing the world") and I met for coffee a few weeks ago. We had a fantastic conversation about the nature of happiness, from our different perspectives, and she published this interview. Note to self: I over-use the adjective "huge."

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Comments

[Cara]

Number 5 struck a nerve because it happened to me. Is this thoughtless? I don't know. When I asked my parents at the time why other parents let their kids pick their own major, they said, "They're irresponsible. It's because they don't love their kids as much and don't care that their kids won't get a job after graduation." *shrug*

[EAC]

Great interview! And even though I read that you thought you said "huge" too much, I forgot about that by the time I was reading the interview, and never even noticed that you said it at all!

My husband and I were recently married, and we just got our 800+ pictures back from the photographer. As we were going through them, it became like "oh my gosh! i really look like that?! look how funny i look there! that's how i dance?!" (etc.) We had to make a rule for a while, where we weren't allowed to look at our own faces. That took the [completely natural] scrutiny away, and put the focus on enjoying others' happy, beautiful faces.

Long story, but it's the story I remind myself of when I am being self- critical!

Also - one of the reasons it's so hard to be ourselves is that there are so many outside pressures telling us who we Should be. The single word that seems to ease a lot of these pressures is acceptance (of yourself, of others...) But it's a lot easier said than done. We want the best for those we care about, so that morphs into, we think we know best (aka Number 5)!

[sprite]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with you on the wedding gift registry question. My feeling about registries is that they exist merely for those who don't aren't sure what a couple might like -- aunts, cousins, etc. -- or those who don't have time or energy to shop creatively. If you know a couple well, assume that the gift that you'd pick for them (that's not on their list) is going to be fine.

[adora]

- Drop by unannounced to say hi.
- Buying sexy underwear for girlfriend. It really isn't for her, it's for himself. Does ANYONE every want to get underwear as gifts?

[Steve]

College is a tough call. It depends a lot on the kid, and where they are going to school. And so many parents push their kids into the field that was "hot" when they were in school, but may have cooled considerably since then.

"Bring over a rich dessert to a person who is perpetually trying to lose weight."

Apparently this is very common. People can't deal with their friends and family changing on a fundamental level.

[Mrs. Micah]

While Sprite has a point, you might want to make sure you know that the couple doesn't already have some equivalent of what you're getting them or isn't getting it from someone else already (and thus didn't include it). I used a registry mostly so people could know what we were interested in and what we did or didn't have. We got some fun extra gifts too, but we really appreciated getting stuff from our registry.

Number 5--also threatening to cut off any financial support to a child who's gay "because we love you." That doesn't look generous to most people, but the parents say it's because they love their kids. I've seen that happen to kids in college and I know others get thrown out in highschool. Or telling adult kids that you love them and they're always welcome in your home, but they can never bring or mention their partner.

[Becki]

I, too, was struck by the wedding registry item, and I disagree even more strenuously than sprite.

If I am invited to a wedding, of course I am going to want to choose a gift that will please the couple, and usually I do take advantage of the registry. I look at it as a convenience, a guide so that I can be sure my gift will be pleasing. This is especially so if I am not sure enough of the couple's taste to select such a gift on my own.

However, to be told that I MUST select a gift from that list? Smacks of extortion.

[galnoir]

I agree strenuously about the wedding gift registry, because it's a reminder that gifts are about the recipient—not about the giver. It's not about extortion; it's about respect. I think you should know the recipient REALLY well before deviating from the registry, lest you end up giving something that they already have, don't need, or just don't like.

Of course, I am jaundiced by years of my mother giving me piles of useless presents (for birthday, Christmas, whatever) and getting offended even if I try to point out that I already have one of whatever she gave me, or it doesn't fit ... there's no way I can tell her if I dislike it. It makes me not want presents from her in the first place. It's all about what she wants to give me, not about what I want to receive. So when I give presents, I take special pains to make sure I'm giving others what they want.

That said, I think it's up to anyone creating a (wedding, baby, whatever) registry to include gifts in a wide range of prices, not just high-ticket items. I got married pretty young—young enough that I still had friends who were undergraduates. When we registered for wedding presents, I made a point of including lots of small items (kitchen tchotchkes like chip clips, etc.) in addition to the bigger stuff. And I was gifted with chip clips, as part of a basket that included other little things. And I appreciated that a lot more than the crystal vases that I in no way registered for, and in no way wanted.

[Suze]

I really disagree about the wedding registry comment.

Wedding gifts are optional. People forget that, but it is true. Most people in the US do give gifts because it is customary but they are not required.

A wedding registry is only a guide, and often not that helpful because there are times everything has been purchased by the time the bride has her bridal showers.

If it is thoughtless or destructive or inconsiderate to give a gift(!) not on a registry, then perhaps you shouldn't give anything.

In fact the only suggestion on the list that I would say was thoughtless or inconsiderate is the college payment tied to majoring in something the parent wants.

The others are merely minor annoyances.

[Suze]

Re-reading the list, I would agree that you should never ever give a pet as a surpise, either. It's not fair to the animal or the family who may not have the resources or desire to support a pet.

A loud toy? "Let it go."

[Marj]

As a corollary to the college major one, I nominate letting your children pick their undergrad majors, but then letting them know often that if they are not doctors or lawyers (or insert another profession considered to pay well) they will be "losers and failures" and the world will end. Even more destructive, because who can easily let go of "mommie things I'm a failure?"

[fermion]

As a devotee of Miss Manners (whose generally wise and amusing advice, I feel, contributes significantly to my happiness) I must also disagree with Item 2. In fact, I would argue that it is more thoughtful to give the couple a gift that you have chosen based on what you know of their personalities, their preferences, and their relationship with you than simply to do their shopping for them by picking something off the registry. Another place setting may be useful, but it will hardly serve as a cherished reminder of a beloved friend or relative.
I don't mean to knock registries--surely they are very useful for people who are more distant from the couple, or who simply can't think what to give. But a wedding is not an opportunity to force your friends and relatives to furnish your new household, and an impractical gift, if given with genuine goodwill, is not intrinsically inconsiderate.

[phquaryn]

Preach about #5, Amen. And please try to be understanding if your kid wants to go away to college. Try to avoid the phrase "you think you are to good to go to a local school?"

[Jenni]

I agree that sending a wedding registry card along with the wedding invitation is in very poor taste. In this gimme gimme gimme world this is just another example of two people displaying their crude and
presumptuous manner.

This is similar to the couple to be sending a note in the invitation that they have an abundance of household goods and are requesting that the invitee
place their gift on the money tree at the reception.

[Lawyer's Right Hand]

Ha ha. My parents used #5 on me. I know and they know they used it as an excuse for not helping me at all. Why else would they insist that someone who can't stand the sight of blood become a nurse?

[Elissa]

Great post Gretchen.

This are interesting in that they are all about what the "giver/advisor" wants - not what the person needs.

To all of you "personalized" gift givers, be prepared for your precious thoughtful gift to a) be returned - if the recipient is lucky enough to figure out where to take (Exhibit 1) FIVE picnic basket sets (this was funny because 3 were identical - and thoughtlessly huge given the size of our apartment) or b)be stored in a high cabinent, only to be taken out and dusted when you visit and then sold when you die Exhibit 2) 4 crystal water goblets, 1 crystal serving bowl, 1 crystal decanter, 2 crystal candelsticks- all dustily stored for five years now. Things that you love to admire and buy may not fit the lifestyle of others. My favorite gift to give at weddings is cash - easy to store, easy to spend, easy to love, and nice to receive. Maybe, if you must buy something, at least shop at the same store where the happy couple registed - so it may be in neighborhood of their taste. Then, include a gift receipt and an additional check:)

Re: parents choosing colleges and/or judging decisions. Just remember who will choose your nursing home and you'll be much nicer.

[Peter]

I'm really undecided on #5. Pressuring one's children to major in particular subjects makes sense in some respects. Not too many 18-year-olds can fully understand the realities of the job market. On the other hand, forcing them to study certain things in return for support is a form of blackmail, however well-intended.

[Helen]

Very funny! Though, just in case someone thinks it would be amusing to actually put these into practice and annoy the heck out of someone: don't, don't buy a pet for anybody. The poor animal doesn't deserve to suffer a lifetime of neglect or end up dumped, and no matter how much you hate them, nobody (usually mother) deserves to have to care for an animal they don't want.

My father let me go to art school on the condition that I took typing classes as a fallback. They turned out to be incredibly useful! Not as a secretary, but as an art writer and wannabe novelist. I wish he'd made me study home economics, too - I wouldn't have taken ten years to learn to manage my home!

[KM]

About the noisy toy: One way to get around this is to put the offending toy on a high shelf and tell your kid, "This is a very special gift from Aunt Skarlett! We use this gift ONLY when Aunt Skarlett is visiting!!"

I agree that the animal one should not be contemplated, even. Why torture an animal?

Great resource for students whose parents "forbid" them to be queer: http://www.thepointfoundation.org/

[grace]

My big pet peeve is being invited to product party at someones house in the name of socializing when you've never been invited there before. Same thing with children's birthday parties when they've never had a play date. I find it insulting.

[Gretchen S.]

I completely agree with everything on this list. I also noticed that it sparked some controversy in the comments, and I found that interesting. So interesting, in fact, that I decided to comment as well.

What I've seen is that too often we think that just because a person has gone out of their way and bought a "gift" that it should be well received regardless of whether or not it is appropriate (or, in fact, a burden!). Now, this is different from being the bride's true best friend and knowing about something special she wants which isn't on the registry, for example.

Gifts aren't gifts if they're for the satisfaction of the giver. (No matter how much trouble/money they cost!) Hopefully, both parties are happy, but the whole point of giving is not to self-pleasure, but to please another, stepping outside of oneself.

And, about the gift registry, generally registries are there to help that giving process - they are gifts of peace-of-mind for the givers, who ostensibly want to get something pleasing. That's all.

About 5, what 18 year olds do have is specialized knowledge and experience - about themselves, their interests, their tolerances, and their generation. That should count for a lot.

If they do make a mistake, then I think we as parents want to be there - sans emotional rift - to help when needed.

Besides, so many grads don't end up even working in their field!

And underneath it all? Sometimes the choice between being happy and being right comes up in our lives and I'm not sure being right always cuts it.

[Stacy]

I agree with the wedding registry/baby registry advice. Unless you are 1000% sure that the couple will be delighted to receive your non-registry gift --- get a gift card to a popular store and attach it to a really lovely card. In this world of merged households, couples come to a marriage with more household items and less storage space. My mother's attic holds the array of crystal items that we received as wedding presents that, while probably pricey, are simply not our taste and certainly not our lifestyle. We registered at major stores with websites for an array of simple, inexpensive items (not even one electronic) and our closer friends and family all knew us well enough to know that what we really needed and would most appreciate were these few items. I think the relatives who bought us these off-registry items actually couldn't be bothered to find out whether we had a registry, and just pulled the standard crystal serving bowl out of their gift closet, wrapped it up, and never thought about us in any way, shape, or form. I'd prefer a sweet card without any gift attached than a thoughtless and impersonal one sent out of obligation.

[NP]

I think it's ok not to get things on the gift list for a wedding, but it has to be a truly thoughtful gift and not potential clutter. Who needs more of that? I know couples get a lot of household gear, but I often think a book on housekeeping or budgeting can be a very useful thing and not something the couple thinks of.

[Jane]

Would love thoughts on this one. Recent wedding invite, prose along the line of "we are over 30 and have everything we want, so please give cash for our new kitchen, here is the account number".
Now despite the fact that I usually give vouchers, this really peeved me. I would have been okay if they'd set the kitchen up as a gift registry and I could choose to buy them knobs, or hinges or doors. But the cash demand felt like extortion. When I did soul-seraching on this, I had to admit it was because I thought a gift is about BOTH the giver and the receiver. Sure we got useless crap for our wedding (we had a "casual" registry, we emphasised use only if you want to, rather like a guide if your stuck). But does it really matter if its crap if it brings the giver joy in picking it out and giving it to you? Is the role of the gift purely functional, or as an expression of relationship??

Interested in what others think - and whether I overreacted with my "cash for kitchen" feelings...

[Alexandra]

Wow. If the above comments are truly the prevailing wisdom of today's about-to-be-married's, then I suppose I will stop buying gifts altogether. I would hate to be a burden.

Your weddings aren't occasions to 'stock up'. If people want to give you something, you should be grateful. If they want to choose it themselves, that is the gift giver's right. If you want to give it away, or store it in the attic, or tactfully re-gift it, that is your choice, and the giver should, of course, never inquire into the fate of the gift (since once you give it, it isn't yours anymore). But telling the world that you are being inconsiderate NOT to buy off a registry?

I did not register for gifts, and I recieved my share of tiny crystal vases, and several sets of dinner plates which did not match. I didn't, however, look on this as a failure of mine to instruct my guests what we 'wanted' them to give us, or as thoughtlessness on their part. I kept some things, and donated some things, and sent all my thank you notes promptly. Of course, I didn't have a garter toss, either, or smear cake in my husband's face, or have a cash bar, or a money tree, or ask my guests to supplement my honeymoon or mortgage.

[Anonymous mouse]

I sometimes wonder why in this world of self development and looking in at ourselves we sometimes forget to look out at the world and the effect we have on other people with out actions and words.

You talk about excercise tips on here but then would YOU want a 'bad' friend to bring round chocolate desert?!

Hmm this all makes me think sad thoughts about why people WANT to hurt or annoy others...