This Wednesday: Eight tips for how to behave yourself -- from 1500-ish.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for how to behave yourself -- from Erasmus, around 1500.

Studying happiness has shown me that there are very few new truths out there.

It’s like dieting. New diet books hit the shelves every day, but we know that the real secret to staying slim is to eat better (mostly plants), eat less, and exercise more.

Likewise, the keys to leading a happy life have been around for a long time. I get a big kick out of uncovering “tips lists” from the past -- Sydney Smith's tips for cheering yourself up from 1820, Francis Bacon's tips for how to be happy from 1625, Lord Chesterfield’s tips for pleasing in society from 1774.

In De Civilitate, Erasmus gave eight tips about how to behave yourself around other people. He wrote this list around 1500 A.D., and his advice has a long shelf life.

According to Erasmus, you should not…
1. gossip
2. tell unkind stories
3. boast
4. indulge in self-display
5. seek to defeat others in argument
6. interrupt people when they tell a story
7. be too inquisitive

You should…
8. be discreet about your own thoughts and actions

Every day, when I fill out my resolutions chart, I review my Twelve Commandments (see left column), and I’ve added Erasmus’s list as an appendix.

I’ve been very surprised by the effectiveness of reviewing a list of goals. It turns out that re-reading admonitions like “Don’t interrupt people” and “Don’t tell unkind stories” day after day does, in fact, help me to act better.

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Safari readers -- I think I found the missing link! If the problem is fixed, thanks so much to everyone who wrote me with such helpful, specific advice.

One of my Secrets of Adulthood is "It's okay to ask for help," and zoikes, it really does work! (Assuming, of course, that the problem is in fact fixed. If not, I'll keep trying)

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Comments

[gamermk]

Another fantastic post. Can't get enough of this blog, keep up the great work!

p.s. (isn't it kinda hard to pull off #4 when you have a blog?)

[paulette]

With respect to nothing new on the dieting front, that may not be true, see www.sethroberts.net!

[Alli]

I read this the other day and thought of you (is that odd...?) from Wind, Sand and Stars by Saint-Exupery: Happiness! It is useless to seek it elsewhere than in the warmth of human relations. Our sordid interests imprison us within their walls. Only a comrade can grasp us by the hand and haul us free.

More on topic... Erasmus' list is of "do not's" while your commandments are "do's." Do you think that makes a difference when you're reading over them at night? Are you more likely to be happy trying for the "do's" than trying to avoid the "do not's"?

[Devan]

Hi Gretchen, I really enjoy visiting your blog! I was looking through you commandments, and was wondering if you could clarify what #7 (Spend Out) means? Is it the opposite of being a spend thrift? ?!?

[A.]

I have looked, but did not find a post about gossiping. I know it's one of the first things you stopped doing, but I have a hard time with it. What do you do when other people gossip in front of you? Do you say something, let them talk...? And how do you know the difference between getting something off your chest and gossiping? It would be great if you could write something about that! (Or refer me to an older post I clearly missed.)

[Megan]

Love this post! In particular, the advice to refrain from telling unkind stories. It parallels the Buddhist script to practice "right speech." Buddha defined right speech as follows:
1. to abstain from false speech, especially not to tell deliberate lies and not to speak deceitfully,
2. to abstain from slanderous speech and not to use words maliciously against others,
3. to abstain from harsh words that offend or hurt others, and
4. to abstain from idle chatter that lacks purpose or depth.

I've been trying to live up to this, and find that when I do, I feel much happier. As you've said in your list of 12 commandments, there is only love and when we come from this space, right speech is a natural offshoot.

[Amy]

What does Erasmus say about what to do if you are the recipient of some of the things he counsels against? Does he have any suggestions about negotiating the boasters and the interrupters without rudeness?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Interesting question about "do's" and "don'ts." I've heard it raised before. Some people think it's better to try to be affirmative in the precepts you use to guide your behavior.

Personally, for my resolutions, I put the phrase however it is most powerful. So "Don't gossip" is more powerful to me than "Say only kind things about people."

"No fake food" works better than "Eat healthfully." But that's just me.

For a post about gossip, check out http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2006/05/no_more_gossip.html. Gosh, it's hard to resist gossip.

For an explanation of "spend out," take a look at http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2006/07/do_you_hoard_yo.html

About how to handle other people's boastfulness, interrupters, etc...that's tough. Dealing with that kind of challenge is one of the reasons that I believe that there is a DUTY TO BE HAPPY. When you're feeling happy, the boasts and interruptions slide off your back. They might bug you, but it's easy to shrug them off. When you're feeling unhappy, that kind of behavior can ENRAGE you. Then you start to have problems in your dealings with other people.

You can't change other people's behavior, you can only change your reaction...and I find that by working on my happiness, I'm much better able to control my feelings of irritation, pride and anger. This is far easier said than done, alas.