Why I stopped drinking alcohol (more or less).

The First Splendid Truth holds that to think about happiness, we must think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

On Friday, I posted about some ways to get rid of “feeling bad.”

It occurred to me that I hadn’t thought to mention a step that I successfully made to eliminate a source of “feeling bad” in my life – quitting drinking.

Alcohol started making me “feel bad” after the Big Girl was born. I was never a big drinker, but in college and afterward I drank about the same as most people. I never loved drinking, but I enjoyed it.

When I was pregnant, I stopped drinking altogether. After the Big Girl was born, and I started having the occasional glass of wine or beer again, I had ZERO tolerance. A half a glass of wine hit me hard.

And not for the better.

Alcohol affects me in several ways. It never really makes me friendly and jolly, as it does many people. First, I become belligerent. I have a tendency to be argumentative anyway, strengthened by going to law school, and alcohol makes me spoil for a fight. And that’s not a fun way to interact with people.

It also makes me less discreet. I say things that I wouldn’t ordinarily say, I’m less tactful, I’m more gossipy.

After these charming effects have worked on me for a while, I then become tremendously sleepy – uncontrollable yawning, pure misery.

These effects were more noticeable in situations when I wasn’t with close friend, but rather was with people I didn’t know well, or didn’t particularly like, or doing something that I didn’t particularly enjoy. Which, of course, were situations where it was all the more important that I be friendly and polite.

What made me focus on the “bad feelings” was the way I often felt the next day. I’d feel anxious and remorseful. “Was I really as obnoxious as I think?” I’d ask the Big Man, trying to get his reassurance that my bellicosity and my indiscretion were all in my mind.

And it wasn’t as though my bad feelings were outweighed by my enjoyment of alcohol. Fact was, I didn’t really enjoy it that much. I can’t tell a good wine from a mediocre wine. I’ve never been able to drink hard liquor. And I’ve always begrudged alcohol the calories it contains, which I’d enjoy more in the form of dessert.

Finally, it hit me – this wasn’t a happy situation. Drinking was fun for other people, but it wasn’t fun for me. I’d rather skip the drink, and skip the remorse, and save the calories.

I’m not saying this solution would work for other people. I enjoy other people’s enjoyment of drinking (unless they talk about fine wine too much). I like the festiveness of martinis and champagne. I like the zestful enthusiasm some people have for drinking--while working on Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I vicariously enjoyed Churchill’s love for liquor—though, actually, he drank less than most people think.

But it’s one of the most important Secrets of Adulthood (see left column): Just because something is fun for someone else, doesn’t mean it’s fun for me—and vice versa.

I’m happier now that I drink less and behave better. I get home after an evening out, and I’m not eaten up with regret and worry about the way I acted. I feel fine, instead of being so tired that I can hardly take out my contacts. For me, it’s much more fun NOT to drink than to drink.

I could have solved my problem in the opposite way. If I’d started drinking more, my tolerance would have risen, and my behavior would probably have improved. For me, it was easier to skip the drinking than to increase the drinking.

I still have a little wine sometimes, or some champagne at a celebration, or a beer. I drink as much as I like—but I don’t like to drink much, now that I realize that it doesn’t agree with me.

Sometime I regret the fact that I drink so little. Why am I so abstemious and cramped and cheerless? Other people are enjoying themselves so much.

But then I remember—it isn’t fun for me.

The striking fact about my deciding to stop drinking alcohol is that it took me so long to have the idea to do it. Why is it so hard to “Be Gretchen”? Why was it so hard for me to notice that I wasn’t enjoying myself? It can be very difficult to notice what seem to be very obvious facts about your very own self.

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Via a site I just discovered, The Optimized Life, I've become intrigued with What Should I Read Next? On this site, you enter the name of a book you love, and the site kicks up suggestions of what you should read next. I entered a few favorites to see what I thought of the recommendations, and from what I could judge, they were pretty good. I'm always trying to figure out good reading suggestions, so this is a real find for me.

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Comments

[Dale Cruse]

This is an interest and honest look into your life, Gretchen. In fact, I linked to it from my weblog at http://www.DrinksAreOnMe.net.

[Lori]

Fantastic blog! Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. And thank you for the book link. I'm heading over there right now to see what I should be reading next. :o)

[Jean Browman--Cheerful Monk]

I don't drink partly because I don't have much tolerance for it, either, but also because it doesn't take much for me to be naturally high. I've never understood the idea that people who don't drink don't have as much fun.

[Jonas Cronfeld]

I stopped getting drunk too, as a part of my personal growth, when I was about 16. Here in Denmark you can buy and drink alcohol from the age of 15, but most start a bit earlier and never stops. Luckily a much older friend of mine made me realise how stupid is it (he was about 45 at the time), for a lot of reasons, and ever since I've only drunk a beer or two a month :-)

[Pippa]

Bellicosity ~ now that's a nice word! Sounds much more hoppy-skippy than you would associate with its meaning. :)

Gretchen, I agree it is often hard to recognize things which really make us feel bad, especially when the effects are a little delayed. But once we DO recognize them, wow, that gives us power, doesn't it! And nonono, it has nothing to do with being cramped and cheerless ~ it is all about the beauty of knowing yourself and caring for yourself.

I have a half-glass limit before wine knocks me over. I am also gluten intolerant and I have only today realized that my approach to alcohol is the same as my approach to all the gluten goodies I don't eat. Just smelling cake, pasta, pizza or especially bread ~ and I mean really smelling it, closing your eyes and inhaling its wonderful fragrance ~ satisfies me as deeply as if I had eaten it. Same with wine. I love red wine, but not its effects. Just a sip or two, truly focusing on it, is all I need.

And then I am happy both ways: I enjoyed it to the max, and I stayed pure to my boundaries of being. That is such a wonderfully free, light feeling to carry within...

Thanks so much for sharing your insights!
Love & Light,
Pippa

[Jessica]

Gretchen,
Thank you for this post. I have recently been thinking a lot about the role of alcohol in my life as well. I followed your advice a few days and wrote down the things that make me "feel bad." One of them was feeling the slightest bit hung over. Now, I have a bit of tolerance, and I've figured out that I can have two glasses of wine (with dinner) and not feel hungover. I do enjoy wine, so I think I am going to experiment with making this my limit for the next few months. It's important to be honest about what's fun and what's worth our time! Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Heather at Grace303]

I am so excited to try the What to Read Next website. What a great idea. I also enjoyed your post about your decision to stop or reduce drinking. I think this is a very good point, i.e. that you need to figure out these things about yourself and not continue doing activities merely because other people might enjoy them.

[Sharyn]

I think a lot of the problem with it taking so long (if ever) for many people to come to the "drinkings not for me" realization is because of how hard society makes it to accept the concept. You can absolutely be a fun, intelligent, sophisticated, un-uptight person even if you never drink a bit. If people do need to drink in order to loosen up or be fun, they need to look at why it takes drinking to achieve that. On the other hand, if drinking negatively affects your personality - like you seem to feel - then refraining from drinking sounds like a very smart decision.
Don't regret not being "able" to have fun while drinking. People are rarely having as much fun as we build it up in our minds that they are.
I don't know much, but I know it's good to know yourself.

[Karryn]

Thank you for this. The comment about the beauty of self-knowledge is what tipped the scale for me. I always thought I *should* appreicate fine wine, but in truth, I don't. I have recently quit, wait for it....sugar. This is a challenge but well worth it. It all comes down to how one feels at the end of the day. After all, whose body is it?

[barbara]

Thanks for posting about why you quit drinking. Sounds good to me.

I looked at "what should I read next" and cringed. Having more suggestions on what to read would just not be a good thing.

"Happiness will prevail!!!"

[Patsy Terrell]

Few people are having as much fun drinking as they think they are. They don't realize it because they're drunk. :) It's the rare person who can drink very much and maintain a high level of interesting conversation.

[kathylynn]

Thanks for writing such an honest article. There is so much truth to what you write. An occasional drink here and there is fine but when it starts affecting your life in a negative way, it's time to stop.

[Ben]

Hello Gretchen,

Thanks for the honesty about your views on drinking.

If you are interested in developing yourself and leading a happier life, seriously consider totally giving up drinking. I used to drink a fair amount in my younger days. I have also seen first hand the damage that drinking can do to bodies and minds. I reached a stage in my life, during my mid-twenties where I turned my back on the bottle. Soon after I started to become interested in self-development after reading the Steven Covey books. Giving up drinking has given me mental clarity over the past decade and a half. I probably drink once or twice a year and I hate the sluggish feelings I have the next two to three days.

Patsy is on the money by saying that few people are having as much fun as they think they are when they are drinking. I used to work in a nightclub in my younger days (pre mid twenties) and I rarely saw any happy drunks. I saw plenty of anger and unhappiness, and there was nothing quite like cleaning up vomit twenty to forty times a night to lead to moderating my drinking.

[fricky]

cannabis is far more enjoyable and does not give you a hangover.

[NicoleS]

I don't drink either.
I have little intolerance & get very sleepy. I never liked the feeling of losing control to the alcohol & at 42, I have never been drunk.
I remember asking my husband once, when we were newly "legal," if he liked throwing up. He thought it an odd question, but I followed it with: "if you don't like being so sick, why do you drink until you are?"

I think a lot of people are less descreet when they drink, so I tended to get very hurt by things my husband said to me when he was drinking. (he doesn't drink much anymore). I'd always thought being less inhibited meant he was more honest. Does anyone think that's true?

[DaveB]

Gretchen: Try beer, wine does that to me too. ;)

Really though, I often think I'd like to at least cut back on how much I drink on weekends. It's far from healthy. I don't like being sick and rarely drink myself to that point anymore (I'm 31), but I still tie one on. When the weekend comes around, I'm just bored. I go to the bar with friends to socialize, but get bored there two. So I just keep on drinking and I have more fun. A plain and simple, but sad, truth. I drink because it's entertainment--or more specifically, because it can make a rather dull situation entertaining, period. Sad, I know. I'm working on it--it's why I'm reading about happiness and how to find it. :)

NicoleS: I do think people are less inhibited, more honest, and more emotional when they drink. I'm no doctor, but I've been around a lot of drunks. Are they the same person? No, not exactly. People lose their ability to reason well in an intoxicated state, so they can take things the wrong way or get fired up about small slights that they might not have cared about as much otherwise. However, in the end that still sort of the definition of less inhibited, right? I guess what I'm saying is that inhibitions are a part of who we are, it's a key part of your personality.

However...

If you're hearing negative and hurtful things--especially things that seem to have a similar theme--I would consider the possibility that your husband is probably harboring some sort of resentment and finally lets it out when he's drinking. Perhaps it's about something specific, perhaps it's just in general. Perhaps it's not even with regards to you in any specific way. Get him to quit drinking and he can probably bottle that up again nice and good. But better yet, go get some therapy and try to open up. There has to be some dissatisfaction (however so small) the he doesn't feel is rational or strong enough to bother vocalizing directly. Even when he's drinking.

There is such a thing as a loving drunk; but ether way it's still bad for the liver.

[Lawrence Walker]

If it were easy being Gretchen, you'd never have come up with The Happiness Project.

[Nedra]

I've reduced my drinking over the past 3 three years, even having period where I don't do it at all, and have found that I get fewer colds, don't feel as worn down and my health overall has improved. I come from a family who can't tolerate alcohol very well, so it's a good decision for me and the best part is safely driving my husband and friends home at the end of the night.

[d irvine]

The word alcoholic has not been mentioned-interesting.

[Marie]

I've cut down to weekend-only drinking, and only a couple of drinks per night max. Drinking a beer or two on weeknights was a habit more than anything else; but then I felt like I had no energy and like I was always wasting my time. I also felt less energetic the next day. At least if I don't have to work the next day, a couple of drinks isn't so bad. I prefer to drink at home while watching a movie than in public or at a party though; I'm definitively a chatty drunk.

[Nick]

It was very interesting to read all of these comments. I'm 29, male, and I gave up alcohol altogether about 3 months ago.

After a drinking session, I would hate waking up the next morning. It wasn't so much the physical pain of a hangover which bothered me, but the fact that I had said or done things which were, at best, embarrassing, or worse, hurtful to others. I simply had no control over myself when I became drunk.

I tried to cut down on the volume of alcohol, limiting myself to a couple of beers at a time, but every now and then I would reach 2 beers and then I'd become easily swayed by friends or others to have another one, and then another one, until I was drunk.

It was a tough decision but in the end the only thing I could do was to stop drinking. I promised myself (and my girlfriend) that I would never touch alcohol again in my life.

3 months later, I am so much happier!! I am never in the least bit tempted by alcohol. I really enjoy searching for non-alcoholic drinks at the pub or at a party. All of my friends are quite heavy drinkers, but I am who I am. I too liked the comment above about knowing yourself.

Since giving up alcohol I have made gone on to make other changes in my life. I turned my back on 7 years on investment banking, and I am now applying to become a school teacher. I have taken back control of my life, and I am so much happier for it.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to share this

[Rhona]

Never a big drinker but cut alcohol two years ago, coffee four years ago. Still love the aroma of coffee, beer, and scotch, but don't miss either. Like coffee, the after effects took away from the enjoyment. I've never looked back.

The worst thing about cutting alcohol is everyone automatically ass-umes you're a recovering alcoholic, even those who've known you for years. They avert your eyes with that pity/embarrassed look like you've sprouted warts on your face but don't know it. It's all part of the peer pressure cult our society feeds off.

If you've never drank alcohol, you're no better than a 40 year old virgin. If you've given up alcohol, the only reason valid enough is that there's something wrong with you.

Best comeuppance is to tell them about the great collection of online videos you've taken while sober at parties, and all the great juicy gossip you still remember the next day.