Why it can be selfless to be selfish, or, how you can be generous by TAKING.

I’ve been thinking, lately, about how it can be selfless to be selfish, and selfish to be selfless.

The pleasure of giving—giving help, giving advice, giving a recommendation, satisfying a desire—is one of the most exquisite pleasures imaginable. But to experience this pleasure, someone must accept your gift. Or, perhaps, even ask for it. And so sometimes, you must be the selfish one, asking and accepting.

This is more complicated than it sounds.

A friend of mine told me, “I cook dinner for my family every night. I love to cook, although like anything you HAVE to do, sometimes I don’t feel like doing it. I said to my husband, ‘Tell me what you want. What would you like me to make for dinner?’ He said, ‘Everything you make is good.’”

“Was that the right thing to say?” I asked. “It sounds like the right thing.”

“No! It would be so much more fun for me if I knew I was making his favorite thing. I wish he’d say ‘Gosh, I wish you’d make chicken casserole again. That’s my favorite.’ I’d be so psyched to make it!”

Asking someone to cook your favorite dish seems selfish…but it’s not. Not always.

Along the same lines, one of my Secrets of Adulthood is “It’s okay to ask for help.” Why this is so hard, I have no idea.

Asking for help can make us feel weak, or dependent, or incompetent, or vulnerable, or like we’re imposing on other people. Maybe we don’t want to have to feel grateful or indebted. But in some instances, trying to be strong and self-sufficient isn’t the selfless answer.

Last year, the Big Girl dressed as Hermione for Halloween, and after some internal debate, I asked my mother-in-law to make S.P.E.W. badges for her Hogwarts robes. My mother-in-law is great with these kinds of creative craft projects, and she loves to do them.

Part of me had selfishly wanted the costume to be a project just for me and the Big Girl to share, and I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t do everything to pull together the costume. Then I realized that this is one of those cases where asking for help is being generous – by allowing someone the pleasure of helping, of contributing, of pleasing.

Another difficult aspect of “It’s okay to ask for help” is sometimes, I feel like someone (usually the Big Man) should KNOW how to help, and just do it, without me having to ask or explain. I feel aggrieved by the mere fact that I have to ask.

This is another way that it’s selfless to be selfish. It would be more selfish to suffer in silence, to stand on pride, to forge on alone while fuming at the lack of support, than it would be to ask for help.

There’s a moving scene described in the memoir of St. Therese of Lisieux. As a child, Therese was babied and petted by her family, and she was very sensitive to any cross word.

She delighted in the Christmas ritual of opening the presents left in her shoes (the French version of hanging up your stocking). One year, when she was fourteen, she overheard her father complaining, “Thank goodness that’s the last time we shall have this kind of thing!” Therese froze; this is the kind of comment would usually make her dissolve into tears.

Instead, she experienced what she described as her “complete conversion.” Instead of crying at her father’s unkind words, or telling him, out of pride, that she had outgrown his gifts, she ran down and opened the presents with a greedy joy. Her father laughed.

Therese realized that the saintly response was to take the presents eagerly. This was the selfless act.

Sometimes, the generous act is to TAKE -- to accept help, to allow others to gratify your desires. A mystery.

Also, being selfless can be selfish…more on that another day.

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Via the terrific blog Marginal Revolution, I visited Visuwords. I loved seeing "happiness" and all its related words bobbling around the screen.

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Comments

[Sharyn]

This post reminded me of a phrase I grew up hearing (and knowing)...
(you are) Blessed to be a Blessing.

[Ann Brown]

You may have already explored this one....so much wonderful stuff to read here... along the lines of "it's hard to ask for help", generally we are not so good at simply asking for what we want. Is it because we don't know what that is and/or because we are reticent to claim the power of making a direct request for fear that we won't get it?
For your friend does she want menu suggestions or appreciation...or maybe both?

Perhaps if your friend owned her "want" she might have said to him what she said to you “I cook dinner for you and the family every night. I love to cook, although like anything you HAVE to do, sometimes I don’t feel like doing it. So to help me be reinspired, tell me what I have made in the past that you would love to have again". If she gets the same answer then perhaps she can "reinspire" the menu or the husband...which is a whole other story!

[image consultant]

I've just found your happiness project and enjoyed reading your posts.
I hope you won't mind me sharing three names I consider useful reading in terms of discovering, and maintaining happiness:
Socrates.
Lao Tze.
Primo Levi.

[pete w]

Do you believe that people are capable of altruism?

Everything we do, every action and decision... can it really be selfless, or is it always originated from some primal selfish desire?

I'm no mother teresa, but every time I help someone, make someone feel better, I always get some sort of a reward in turn, even if its just a proud feeling.

I've always wondered if altruism is a real thing

[mercurial scribe]

This really touches on the concept that we grow from dependence to independence - and then, at our greatest maturity, we learn to be interdependent. Great post!

[Aviva]

Wow. I'm new to your blog, but this post really hit home to me. I've been very sick and people have asked what they can do for me. But I always have trouble asking for help because I forget how good it feels to be the one to give the help. And that sometimes it's just my job to accept it joyfully. Thank you!!!

[Mrs. Micah]

Makes me think of cousin Charlotte from Room With a View. She acted selfless--she thought--but she was horribly selfish and spoiled things for other (most of the time).

[Dark Sociologist]

It's not really a matter of being selfish to be selfless. It's about creating opportunities for others to feel valued.

In the case of the wife cooking for her husband, she's going to cook food for him anyways. By him telling her what is his favorite dish, he creates an opportunity for her to have an increased value compared to if she just made something ordinary.

I was actually thinking about this the other day and I think part of being a leader (that's what I mainly write about on my blog) is giving others the opportunity to be part of something great, when they wouldn't be otherwise.

When I think of this, I think of a child helping her parent bake the cake. Once it is done, she is soooooo proud because she took part in baking it and has ownership over it. Of course she couldn't bake the cake by herself, but her parent created the opportunity for her to be valuable.

From this perspective, you can see that it's not being selfish. Letting someone else help you out often ends up taking more time than if you did it by yourself (especially if your 5 year old wants to help). So it's not being selfish, it's building people up, although sometimes you benefit in the process.

[Heather at Grace303]

This is a very insightful post. I also liked this comment: "It's not really a matter of being selfish to be selfless. It's about creating opportunities for others to feel valued." This is definitely something to keep in mind.

[Trish Ryan]

This is a great point. One of the most humbing/helpful lessons I've learned was when I finally admitted to some of my girlfriends that I had no idea how to come up with something to cook for dinner every night. I felt like a complete doofus. But helping me come up with recipes and figure out thing like what it means to "reduce" something or if "chicken quarters" really means I have to buy a whole chicken and cut it in four has created bonds between us that weren't there before.

Oddly, it's as blessed to receive as to give :)

[Alice Bachini-Smith]

This reminds me of those situations where both people are holding a door open inviting the other one to walk through it first... very traditionally English manners, which I grew up with.

But it's also very traditionally English (also traditionally Puritan generally) to keep quiet about your feelings and be quite emotionally distant, which can make for long-lasting but somewhat cold relationships. Intimacy comes from learning what people are like, so telling people what you enjoy and want furthers that, and makes it easier for others to get closer to you.

I'd say the good selfishness is self love and the bad selfishness is egotism: the good selflessness is generosity and the bad selflessness is self-harm (although telling them apart in practice is a whole other matter...)

[Colleen]

My drama teacher used to say "Always be open to give and to receive." This could mean energy, gifts, requests, or simply an object being passed from hand to hand. The idea of openness has given me a lot of pause over the years, and your post today made me think of it again. Thank you!

[Sarah]

A friend of mine recently had a miscarriage and found herself in the position of not being able to keep her household of husband and four boys running as smoothly as usual. With physical as well as emotional support, many friends helped her get through this difficult time. She accepted the help reluctantly at first but then changed her mind when one of the other moms told her: It is a blessing to be able to give. I think about that often, and I try to practice it daily.

[Gretchen Rubin]

These comments are fascinating. I hadn't thought about the connection between the selflessness/selfishness issue and my Second Splendid Truth, but the comments made it clear to me that they are ABSOLUTELY related.

The Second Splendid Truth: One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy YOURSELF.

Sometimes, it can be hard to let other people make you happy. But it's very important to be open to this.

A few of the stories reminded me of something a friend told me. She was going through a tough divorce, with young kids, and she had to rely on friends much more than was comfortable to her. But, she said, having to ask for, and receive, help drew her much closer to people than she'd been before. She ended up feeling more supported and loved.

The thing is, it just feels selfish to say "I want," "I need," "Help me," "Give to me." And sometimes it IS selfish. But sometimes not. As one commenter observed above, this is where maturity comes in!

[MB]

Why is it so hard to ask for help?

The hard truth, for me, is that my friends and family often use my requests for help as an opportunity to "put me down." It becomes a powerplay on their part: "Yes, of course you need my help - you are pathetic and I am better than you."

It pains me to say that I think that this is very common for many people. So - you stop asking for help.

When "expected pain" exceeds "value of help", the decision becomes easy: don't ask.

[Shirley]

Amen and amen again. Sometimes it is best to "take and be selfish." Maybe you're stressed and need to "take" 15 minutes for yourself. Then you can reconnect with family in a better frame of mind.

Your examples of selfishly asking your spouse for your favorite meal made me think of my mother-in-law. I felt selfish asking her to cook meals because she always turned them into a feast and worked hard at it. But no matter how tired it made her, she had a huge grin watching me enjoy it.

And asking favors of others, especially things they're good at, seems selfish, but is a great way to involve family while showing how much you value their skills.

Great post!