A friend's email shows that just as it can be selfless to be selfish, it can be generous to ask for congratulations.

According to the Second Splendid Truth,
One of the best ways to make myself happy was to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy was to be happy myself.

It follows, then, that one way we can make other people happy is to share our own occasions for happiness.

I was struck by this yesterday, when I got the following email from a high-school friend. We were close during our childhoods, and although she lives in Switzerland now, and I haven’t seen or emailed with her in a few years, I still consider her a good friend.

I knew she’d been working on a novel, on and off, for years. Yesterday, this note, addressed to 36 people, arrived in my inbox:

Just have to send word out that tonight at 9:11pm, I joyfully typed into my novel the two most wonderful words ever paired up in the English language: The End. It's 408 pages, (this draft, anyway), and God knows, it needs a lotta revision, and some exhaustive editing, but boy, does it feel great! Nearly five years on this one. Prayers to your God of choice most welcome as I now begin the industry tap dance.
Hope your day is shaping up equally fab. :-D

I was SO HAPPY to see this. I knew she’d been working on a novel for a long time. And now she’d done it. I sat in front of the computer with a big smile on my face, and I had a very happy start to my day.

But I think it was unusual to send out an email like that. I wouldn’t have sent it out. I would have worried that people would think I was self-centered, or boastful.

But that wasn’t the reaction I had to her email at all. I was so happy for her, and I felt honored that she’d allowed me to share in her moment of achievement.

It can be selfless to be selfish. It can also be generous to ask for congratulations.

I wrote to my friend to ask if I could reprint her email here, and also to ask her whether she'd hesitated before sending out that note.

She replied:

I admit I had a private moment of selfish squirreling of my joy last night and then thought how many times have I said to friends, oh you'll hear all about it when I finally finish this thing... so before I over-thought myself into inaction, I just typed up that email. People really do want to hear about our (royal we, universal "our") efforts and struggles and successes along the way. I genuinely believe that. And of course I hope it goes the distance, but regardless, I figure this stage is such fabulous fun, why the heck not.

Also, her email happened to remind me of one of my favorite passages in Virginia Woolf's diaries, written when she finished The Waves (my favorite Woolf novel):

Anyhow it is done; & I have been sitting these 15 minutes in a state of glory, and calm, & some tears, thinking of Thoby [her brother] & if I could write Julian Thoby Stephen 1881-1906 on the first page. I suppose not.

These peak moments happen rarely, for all of us. It's generous to share them with others.

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I missed this great post on Shifting Careers on managing time more efficiently, but caught up with it today. I especially agree with the point about maximizing your personal rhythms to get the most out of your day. Also, although I can't swear to it, and I can't find it right now, I'm pretty sure that studies show that most people are at peak mentally about three hours after they wake up. Maybe I should look for that study again, tomorrow morning around 11:00.

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Comments

[Whitney Johnson]

Interesting idea.

I loved your friend's observation that she had promised to tell everyone when she had reached a milestone, and yet hesitated when she did.

Whenever I am about to share with one of my friends something I've accomplished, there is lightning quick reflex to also say something self-critical so as to restore the balance. Carol Gilligan made some great observations on this topic.

My best,

Whitney Johnson
www.daretodream.typepad.com

[Hayden Tompkins]

And this is EXACTLY why women need to stop taking care of others instead of themselves. I am not saying 'don't take care of others', but I can't tell you how many times I see women running themselves ragged trying to take care of their husbands, their children, and their parents.

You first. Then others.

By taking care of yourself, especially in a marriage, you are hangling 'your end'.

Great article!

[Fazed Reality]

We should all feel comfortable sharing our own success and happy moments. But it's hard sometimes, especially if you knew a person in you past who belittled anything good you thought you did. It's caused me a great deal of trouble – but I'm learning to reverse it now. Maybe I'll be able to do what your friend did, tell others about some of my successful projects.

[disconnect]

I grew up with the secret wish to race a triathlon, and whenever I'd share it with someone else I'd always bookend it with "BUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, HA HA, I COULDN'T DO THAT". So last June, after completing my first Olympic-distance tri, I BCC'd everyone in my email book with a quick note that said, "Hey, this is what I did, here's a link to the pics, here's a link to the results, just wanted to share." And as I went to send out the email, I thought about it and wondered if people would think I was bragging. And then I realized that if I got an email from anybody on that list that said, "I finished my novel" or "Got that Ph.D. I've been working on!" or [insert other big accomplishment], I'd be really happy because of that news, and I'd be more inspired in my own life. So I sent the email.