I'll be so happy once I'm thin. Or rich. Or successful. Or engaged. Right?

A thoughtful reader emailed me a link to a post on Kate Harding’s blog, Shapely Prose, called The Fantasy of Being Thin.

It’s a fascinating, thought-provoking post. Everyone should go read it, so I’m not going to write much here.

Kate Harding makes several interesting arguments, but her key point is the tendency for people to think, “When I’m thin, I’ll be different. I’ll be more adventurous, or more sociable, or happier in my relationship.” Her message: No, you won’t. You’ll still be yourself.

I know exactly what she’s talking about. For many of us, there are things that we wish were different. We imagine it will be different when we’re thin. Or rich. Or when we have a baby, or a sweetheart, or a new kitchen, or a best-selling book…

Her post reminded me of the challenge to keep my First Commandment (see left column): “Be Gretchen.” Being Gretchen means accepting limitations and proclivities that I sometimes wish were different.

For example, for a long time, I didn’t acknowledge my passion for children’s literature. That interest didn’t fit with the picture that I wished were true about myself. I wanted to be more serious, more grown-up. I wanted to love opera, or caselaw, or global finance, or fly-fishing.

But once I embraced what I REALLY loved, instead of what I wished I loved, and started my children’s literature book group, my passion became a huge source of joy.

The thing is, it’s a bit sad to accept yourself. You face all the things that you will never be. But to be yourself is the only way to be happy.

On the specific issue of weight – I’m still trying to think through the issue of how attractiveness and self-image relate to happiness. When I posted about Anne Kreamer’s terrific book, Going Gray, about Kreamer’s decision to stop dying her hair and “go gray,” many readers posted fascinating comments on the topic. It’s complicated. I would describe myself as “weight-preoccupied” (I think that’s a term of art), so Harding’s comments about focusing on thinness as the key to all happiness resonated with me. It depresses me to admit how much my mood is affected by a two-pound swing on the scale.

It’s a challenge. Be Gretchen. Now, not later. As is.

This sounds so straightforward, but it’s not. John Ruskin reflected:

The little pig was so comforting to me because he was wholly content to be a little pig; and Mr. Leslie Stephen is in a certain degree exemplary and comforting to me, because he is wholly content to be Mr. Leslie Stephen; while I am miserable because I am always wanting to be something else than I am.

Be John Ruskin.

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Comments

[RBC]

"Be yourself" sounds like an excuse for never changing or growing. How can you change who you are if you are always being yourself?

I agree that the "I'll be happy when..." game is a dangerous one. But there's nothing wrong with changing the things you don't like about yourself.

[Megan]

Putting conditions on happiness is definitely tricky stuff, and to some extent, I think we all do it. Even though many of us know better, it's hard not to fall into that trap. I led a happiness workshop a couple of months ago, and I asked participants, "What if that thing you want can't come about until you're happy, as opposed to the other way around?" Seeing the light bulbs go on was pretty neat!

Specific to weight issues, Louise Hay (founder of Hay House Publishing) has a theory that once we're truly happy with and accept ourselves, our weight normalizes on its own. I kind of like her theory and know that when I'm unhappy, I tend to cope by overeating and subsequently gain weight.

Unconditional happiness - accepting what is - is where it's at!

[Ella]

I think I agree with this premise insofar as it's about being thin or rich. About the sweetheart and the baby . . . I don't know. Life was a lot of fun before I met my husband ten years ago (when I was in my late 20s) - I had lots of friends, had my share of fun relationships, enjoyed my work, etc. But I have been a much happier and more centered person since I met him. And that deep-seated happiness has increased even more now that we have children. So I do think certain life events CAN make you happier in a long-term sense - just not life events like becoming thinner and richer.

[Patrick Mathieu]

Congratulations Gretchen! You've nailed it!

As a motivational speaker and author who helps people live lives that are fearless, focused and free from regrets, I agree that we need to stop living for some future gratification and start living NOW! In fact, in my book, I called this phenomenon 'The Once Trap', where you tell yourself that life will start once something has happened. The sad thing is that many of us don't realize that ONCE is exactly how many times today comes around!

[Tanner Christensen]

Thank you for exposing us all to the truth Gretchen. I'm amazed at how much society relies on the "things will be different when..." mind frame.

Being happy with who we are, as we are, is - in my opinion - the first real step to living a great life.

[Albert]

Good post...we can only be what we are right now, and anything else is self-violence. And if we are happy, maybe what we want will come easier!

Cheers,
Albert | UrbanMonk.Net
Modern personal development, entwined with ancient spirituality.

[Adam]

I saw a related question asked on Zen Habits a few weeks back. If I remember correctly, someone was asking how to accept both the Zen ideal of accepting yourself (and everything else) as it is in the moment, while still striving for change in the future.

I think the key is people look to external forces to change their happiness, ie. job, losing weight, etc. The thing is, if you've always tied your happiness to some future event, you can't ever experience it. Even if you complete the goal you have set, you're not really focused on the present at that time, as your mindset has always been future focussed.

I think commenter Ella made an interesting point, one that needs to be reiterated. Sure, she's happy now, on a different level, than she was before. However, that doesn't necessarily lessen the happiness from the previous time, it just means you're seeing it from a different perspective.

Another way to look at it, if you can't accept the current situation, you can't necessarily have a base from which to start your quest towards your goals. Or it could even be detrimental towards your goals. If you're an unhappy person all the time, but are waiting to meet that special someone, then perhaps he or she might just walk by because they don't want to always be around someone unhappy, and they can only judge on the present, not the person you would be with them.

Cheers,

Adam

[Angela]

I love your post!

I happen to agree with you. We all think that we will be happy when.....the problem being is that no matter where you go, there you are.

To love and accept ourselves unconditionally is a big task! I know that for myself, without the help of 12step programs, and yes, that wonderful author, Louise Hay, i could not have made much progress at all.
I am not looking for perfection...i am looking for growth and acceptance through self exploration and realizing my core beliefs.
And for anyone else who cares to take a leap, a couple of texts to check out would be "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up!" by Iyanla Vanzant
And the way of the peaceful warrior, by dan millman. Both are extrememly helpful in personal exploration and acceptance of oneself.

Blessings to you all...And thanks Gretchen!

May love, peace, and serenity fall upon you like rain....

Blessed Be
)o( Angela

[ciocia]

I don't know that Ella's experience negates what you are saying, Gretchen. I think it proves it. While she is happier with her husband and child, she was basically happy with her life before them--in the "now"--and it built a base for her present happiness. She didn't wait for a husband to be happy. So many women who do don't find anyone because they radiate unhappiness and repel people, because they can't be happy in the "now" that is single. Being happy with yourself does not prevent you from goals, it gives you a center till you get there.

[Gretchen Rubin]

So interesting.

I'm reminded of two of my favorite quotations.

Flannery O'Connor wrote, "Accepting oneself does not preclude an attempt to become better.” This is a VERY tricky divide. How can we strive, push ourselves, and yet accept ourselves? Several people have gently pointed out to me that "Be Gretchen" and the multitude of resolutions that I'm struggling to keep as part of my Happiness Project could be seen as a conflict. Why am I trying so hard to change, if I just want to "Be Gretchen"? I think we can do both, but it takes thought and care. And certainly, not self-delusion. And not waiting "until." If there's a change we want, we should try to bring it about NOW, until waiting for some condition to come about (becoming thin, rich, etc.)

Also, on the baby and the husband making you happier. I have to say, I completely agree, that's a great point. I was happy before I was married, but I think now I'm at a new level of happiness. But I think the comment by Ciocia is also true, that you have to have the happiness inside.

Bob Dylan wrote of his wife, "I looked at the menu, then I looked at my wife. The one thing about her that I always loved was that she was never one of those people who thinks that someone else is the answer to their happiness. Me or anybody else. She’s always had her own built-in happiness.”

I think that's one of the nicest things you could say about anyone.

[MJ]

Acknowledging your real passions and interests is so crucial. I wasted years and years (more than a decade in fact - I'd love to go back to 1989 or '90 redo 10-13 years) forcing myself to be someone I was not because the fake MJ "should" love nothing other than political science, economics, law and business and more than anything else, status and money, and the real MJ loved things that I thought weren't good enough, or adult enough, or stupid and flaky (because being an adult meant being stiff, coldly rational, and unhappy and enjoyable or creative things were stupid and flaky). Finding that you feel that everything in your life is wrong, and was wrongly chosen, is a good wake up call. Sure would like that time back, it could have been happy time! Oh well, literally live and learn.

[Rachel]

Gretchen, I find it relieving to hear you admit that you're weight preoccupied. Sometimes I've thought that your blog was a bit weight-preoccupied as well. You often share "tips and tricks" to cut calories and avoid food treats. Not to be ... negative, but it always struck me as kind of depriving and controlling. And most of all .... exhausting. And maybe that's what it takes for you to maintain a healthy life style. But -- I think you admitting that the weight battle is not all easy and fun and HAPPY is really relieving from my end.

I would LOVE if you would do a post on how to eat healthfully but not be depriving and cold and "scrooge-ish" and .... hungry! I find that this is a HUGE issue in my happiness. I always either feel unhappy that I'm too fat or unhungry that all I do is think about food and guilt. Uck.

[Gary]

There's actually some experimental evidence that shows our emphasis on fixing our own and others defects is less productive than enabiling what they're naturally good at or interested in.

[Niel Malan]

I tried to be happier, so I started going to the gym, then I started to get thinner, and getting thin and fit makes me happier. Basically, I discovered that I had to change to become thin.

[Anne Kreamer]

I think Harding's fantasy insights are spot on. There are multiple studies that have shown the diminishing returns when something objectively swell (winning lotto, getting the big job, buying a new car) happens to you. Whatever the expectation, the reality somehow never seems to fulfill the sense of how profoundly life altering the new situation will be.

The Buddhist/zen approach seems to have the lock, in my mind, on what actually generates happiness. Cooking a great and satisfying meal, running on the beach at sunset, listening to your kid play the piano. The simple and Pollyannaishly “be here now” things. Never the “if” stuff.

I also thought that Harding’s take mirrored a lot of what I discovered in research for my book. Dyeing one's hair allows a person to indulge in a version of the wish fulfillment fantasy. If I dye my hair that 28-year old guy will ask me out. If I dye my hair, I'll get the promotion to the corner office. Harding’s essay gets at the "who are we really kidding?" and "why?" question perceptively.