It’s Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. Your assignment: SHOW UP. I’m going to show up for the opening day of THE GOLDEN COMPASS.

Not long ago, I had an epiphany – happiness projects for everyone! Join in! No need to catch up, just jump in now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Here’s this Friday's assignment: Show up.

Just as Woody Allen said that “Eighty percent of success is showing up,” about eighty percent of relationships is showing up.

This particular resolution is hard for me, because I’m always haunted by the feeling that I should be spending my time in front of my computer, or if not, I should be with my family.

Plus, it’s so much easier to stay home rather than to “show up,” which means dealing with the logistics of coordinating to meet another person or showing up at a particular place. Often “showing up” means foregoing wearing running shoes, always a sacrifice for me.

But showing up is a crucial way to keep in touch with other people, to keep interests alive, to have fun, and to bring novelty and challenge—so important for happiness—into your life.

Showing up is important for building relationships, studies show, because familiarity breeds affection. The “mere exposure effect” describes the fact that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces—even nonsense syllables—better. According to the “exposure principle,” the more often a person sees another person, the more intelligent and attractive that person will be ranked.

I’ve noticed this about myself. Even when I don’t take an immediate liking to a person, I tend to like him or her better, the more often we see each other. And at the same time, of course, the more I show up, the more that person likes me.

Also, “showing up” exposes me to new mental and physical environments. I love routine in every way, but even I have to admit that the happiness experts are right when they say that novelty and challenge bring happiness. Whenever I leave my hamster-wheel habits, I get a boost of happiness.

Because of my resolution to “Show up,” I’ve been better about visiting friends’ newborns. I’ve been to various reunions. I’ve gone to panels and forums that I might have skipped. I took a “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” class. Whenever I show up, I’m happy that I did. And yet, every time, I have to struggle with my impulse to stay home.

Of course, there’s a balance. I have to “Show up” at the computer and with my children, too. I need time to stay at home and read in bed with the Big Man.

Today I’m “showing up” – but I don’t need a push this time. My children’s literature book group is taking a field trip: we’re meeting in Times Square to see The Golden Compass in the middle of the day. In preparation, I re-read the trilogy. Can the movie possibly live up to the book? I’ll find out at 12:45 today.

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Comments

[MJ]

I loved those books and should re-read them too.

You just described me to a T as well - it is very hard for me to want to and look forward to going to movies or events or even to see friends. I always feel like there must be something else I can do, or have to do, with the time. Movies are the hardest - I might love them during and afterwards, but before, the idea of sitting and watching for 2-3 hours nearly makes me panic. I don't want to do it!!!!

However, as you touched on above too, even when at home "showing up" to the computer to do work can be awfully hard too. So showing up outside of the house might be the best strategy - if I might not get much done at home then why not be out and about?

Not showing up and keeping in and keeping to myself tends to strongly and quickly reinforce my sense of the blahs and blues and I know that I need to address it - thank you for this timely post.

[Rory]

Your "show up" resolution sounds very similar to what I call, "Say yes more." This comes from a book called "Yes Man" by Danny Wallace, in which he says yes to every request or suggestion for several months after an old man on a bus urges him to "say yes more".

It's very entertaining, and it's also a little inspiring. I actually came to the book a little after I started saying yes to things, but it's helped me to have a simple phrase to remind myself when I should be doing things. It's better to regret wat you've done than to regret what you've not done, as they say.

The desire to stay in where it's comfortable and easy reminds me of the XKCD comic where one of the characters says, "That's a long drive, it's cold, I'm tired, and rationalizing the familiar is easy."

[stephanerd]

I've found that I'm more likely to show up if I have have others involved who will hold me accountable.

For example, I rushed back home to Jersey after work on Monday instead of going to Shalom Auslander reading at McNally Robinson...one of my favorite writers at my favorite bookshop! I'm still a bit sad I didn't go.

But last night was an event I had RSVPd for online, a meet-up for a discussion group on sexuality that an acquaintance of mine was trying to put together. 17 people had RSVPd yes but, aside from the moderator, me and one other girl were the only ones to show up. And I was so glad I did! It was nice to find a new and charming venue to go to in the future. It was great to catch up with this acquaintance of mine and meet her equally awesome and fascinating friend (a belly dancer going for her masters in psychology, with a focus on sexuality!). And the conversation for those few hours was so lively and incredibly interesting! I think it was good for me to step out of my usual routine and do something like this.

I suppose this is also somehow connected to the advice on getting a workout buddy, so they you don't make excuses for yourself not to work out.

[Kaja]

You are so correct here...for me, showing up is often half the battle, the other half is attending the event/party/dinner etc. without constant calculations as to whether or not the outing is worth it. Sometimes that attitude spurs me to shake up the conversation or attend to my surroundings more. Sometimes.
I hope you enjoy the movie....and would love to know whether the drawing class had lasting effects on your work or on your perceptions.

[Debbie M]

You say, "Often 'showing up' means foregoing wearing running shoes, always a sacrifice for me."

Let me recommend spongy shoe inserts. They have rubbery or gel ones that last a long time and foam ones that are cheap. I find that they really make a difference in how comfortable my shoes are.

[Annie]

My husband and I are reading the first book in anticipation of the movie. It looks great and my interest has only increased due to the "controversy" surrounding it!

[Janna]

Wow... Thank you for this post. I totally needed it. I needed to know that I'm not the only one who feels that way!!

From now on, I'm going to start "showing up" more. Thanks again!

[Marie-Therese]

First, I want to say I enjoy your blog tremendously. I have as one of my mottos: "99 % of life is just showing up." (Woody Allen said that I think.)

From my perspective, the movie mentioned and the novels, are not what I choose to show up to. I assume most don't know that the author was anti-God. I don't want to support something that degrades and insults what is so important in my life and the faith held dear by millions of people. I recommend a book called "Why the Church" by Luigi Guissini for those boggled by the concept of love for the Catholic Church. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Church-Luigi-Giussani/dp/0773517073 or for those who don't understand why many people of faith and religion are offended by these childrens novels.

thank you very much. Peace.

this is a review for Catholic parents that I read online."...this latest hit movie. Deceptively, the movie has removed Pullman’s explicit attacks against the Catholic Church. Instead the wicked enemy of children and human freedom is only referred to as the “Magisterium.” This veiling of Pullman’s hatred of Catholicism will permit the movie to rake in millions by not arousing too much religious opposition. Of course, after seeing the movie, the children in the thirty countries in which it is released will rush out to buy and digest Pullman’s God-hating and Catholic-bashing books.

You might be wondering what exactly it is that is so abhorrent and detestable about the Catholic Church in Pullman’s novels. Well, it’s that the Catholic Church is engaged in a conspiracy to separate children from their personal demons. You didn’t misread that last sentence. There’s already a website where children are asked 20 questions about themselves and then given the name of their personal demon.

Pullman’s work is about to bring millions of children into contact with the demonic. By volume three of the trilogy children are invited to join in a diabolical revolt against God, bishops, and priests. His Dark Materials is a brilliant, alluring, and convincing inversion of good and evil. "

[Marie-Therese]

First, I want to say I enjoy your blog tremendously. I have as one of my mottos: "99 % of life is just showing up." (Woody Allen said that I think.)

From my perspective, the movie mentioned and the novels, are not what I choose to show up to. I assume most don't know that the author was anti-God. I don't want to support something that degrades and insults what is so important in my life and the faith held dear by millions of people. I recommend a book called "Why the Church" by Luigi Guissini for those boggled by the concept of love for the Catholic Church. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Church-Luigi-Giussani/dp/0773517073 or for those who don't understand why many people of faith and religion are offended by these childrens novels.

thank you very much. Peace.

this is a review for Catholic parents that I read online."...this latest hit movie. Deceptively, the movie has removed Pullman’s explicit attacks against the Catholic Church. Instead the wicked enemy of children and human freedom is only referred to as the “Magisterium.” This veiling of Pullman’s hatred of Catholicism will permit the movie to rake in millions by not arousing too much religious opposition. Of course, after seeing the movie, the children in the thirty countries in which it is released will rush out to buy and digest Pullman’s God-hating and Catholic-bashing books.

You might be wondering what exactly it is that is so abhorrent and detestable about the Catholic Church in Pullman’s novels. Well, it’s that the Catholic Church is engaged in a conspiracy to separate children from their personal demons. You didn’t misread that last sentence. There’s already a website where children are asked 20 questions about themselves and then given the name of their personal demon.

Pullman’s work is about to bring millions of children into contact with the demonic. By volume three of the trilogy children are invited to join in a diabolical revolt against God, bishops, and priests. His Dark Materials is a brilliant, alluring, and convincing inversion of good and evil. "

[F]

Agreed... I've been having problems with people who cancel plans with me. The other day I found myself wanting to decreet a "zero tolerance", because of the frequency it's been happening. Two recent cases where (from different people) one of them cancelling with less than 1 hour notice (I live in L.A. and I had already left home to meet her) because she had to do her french class homework, which she hadn't the night before like she had planned. The second cancelled lunch b/c she was at her boyfriend's waiting for a delivery. I found these upsetting which of course unfortunatelly don't contribute to happiness. But at least I identified these events even though I don't know how to deal with them.

[Christoph]

Dear Gretchen,

thank you so much for your great blog, and thanks for being brave enough to mention you liking the Golden Compass in a country where christian religious fundamentalism is making it more and more difficult to express your opinion without suffering harassment.

It's a shame that people like Marie-Therese think that there's something wrong about making a point about religion. Her feeling insulted is her private emotion, which she should own and cope with, but this wouldn't be a very catholic thing to do?

I live in a mainly catholic country and the pain and suffering that catholic beliefs cause in the psyche of so many people is appalling.

And please don't call me anti-god, for I can't be against something I believe doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

"It's a shame that people like Marie-Therese think that there's something wrong about making a point about religion."

Indeed. What's even worse is that people like Marie-Therese don't even know what religion is; for them, it's all about dogma, hate, and control over other people. Never think for yourself, isolate yourself from the thoughts and ideas of others, and use every opportunity you get to attack people you don't know for not being exaxtly like yourself.

(And for anyone who's actually read the books, or even just a non-biased review of them, the "review for catholic parents" is of course utterly ludicrous. But sure, if Marie-Therese prefers to get her "facts" from extremists who lies to her in order to control her thoughts, that's her problem. That has nothing to do with what religion is truly about, though. Nor happiness.)

[Molly Bridle]

I'd love to hear what you thought of the movie. My 7 year old is currently listening to the book on tape version -I am having a difficult time getting her to take the headphones off at dinner!

btw-have really enjoyed your blog.

[Gretchen Rubin]

On the subject of the Pullman books -- they are brilliant, wonderful, imaginative, and complicated. They are certainly not demonic. The novels make certain points about human nature, that I think they would make a terrific springboard for religious and devout discussion.

About the movie -- alas, it was terrible. Such a shame. It's gorgeous, but the story is all muddled. I see the problem: there was just so much information and plot to convey, it just couldn't be squeezed into a two-hour period.

[HP van Duuren]

Thanks for this interesting 'Point of View'.

this 'Show up' thing does seem to be a little 'general' to me but nevertheless it is interesting 'Food for thought'.

I don't think that - In General - I have difficulties with 'showing up' and also usually enjoy having 'Showed up' afterwards, although I must admit that it sometimes requires a little discipline. Luckely I have been in the army so that might explain why I have 'iron discipline' (when I want to) :)

Talking about 'Showing up' have you already visited my site and posted compelling comments on my posts already?

All the Best,
HP

[MJ]

I wonder re "showing up" if not showing up, the subsequent negative feelings that come from a life with less interaction, less stimulation etc., and then not showing up again/more/further are become cyclical for many. Kind of like a type of depression - after a while the isolation or lack of completion or stimulation makes the person less inclined to show up again.

Which is why we must show up to fight off the gloom and low energy that come from a life that shrinks down to a pin point. But boy is it hard on those bad days....

[Chris]

Man, it's sort of funny how quickly such a warm and uncontroversial post can quickly become contested due to the particular movie Gretchen chose.

I've read the first two books and am about to begin the third. So far, they have been excellent, though I am skeptical of a film translation.

Marie Therese is welcome to her opinion, but it's perhaps too perfectly in line with the characterizations of the two books I've read that she has criticized these books against an arbitrary criteria, and has told me what instead I should be reading. I'd say more, but it's a situation where I'd either get into an argument, or waste my effort by trying to get into an argument when my opponent has already stopped listening.

Neither alternative seems very palatable to me. So, as you say, peace.