This Wednesday: Twelve tips to avoid seeming like an arrogant, know-it-all jerk.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Twelve tips to avoid seeming like an arrogant, know-it-all jerk.

I’ve been doing thinking a lot about the qualities of pride and humility.

A lot of people go through the motions of being humble, but you really have to mean it. A few months ago, I sat next to a guy I didn’t know, and when I asked him what he did for a living, he said jokingly, “It’s too boring, let’s not talk about it.” But he didn’t offer up any other topics for conversation, but just waited for me to ask him leading questions. He probably thought he was being winningly self-deprecating, but instead, he was making me do all the conversational work. (Of course, it was my pride that made me annoyed by this.)

Humility is having consideration for others, appreciation for their views, curiosity about their lives, openness to correction and education by them, willingness to be interested and amused, a sense of deference, respect, and fellowship.

Here are some tips for showing humility:

1. Offer meaningful compliments: “You have a good memory,” “You obviously know a lot about this subject.” Empty, automatic compliments like “Great tie!” don’t count.

2. Give credit to others: “The team did all the work,” “Pat came up with this idea.” It’s pointless to begrudge others their due, because being generous with giving credit does NOT minimize your own contribution.

3. Ask questions and allow others to supply information. I’ve even seen some good leaders ask questions to which they knew the answers, merely to allow others the chance to demonstrate what they know. This is a challenge for me. I am a real know-it-all. It’s hard for me to ask for help, to say, “I don’t know” or keep quiet while others respond.

4. Admit error! It’s SO HARD to say “You were right, I was wrong” or “This was my fault,” but so important. Also, it’s a key to leadership. As my father once told me, “If you’ll take responsibility for failure, you’ll be given responsibility for decisions.”

5. Remember other people’s names and the details of their lives. How many times have you heard people complain that “So-and-so has met me five times, but never remembers me”? It hurts people’s feelings. Unfortunately, I have a terrible time with names, so I developed some coping strategies for dealing with that.

6. Call on others for their specific contributions: “Pat is our expert on that,” “Lee, what do you think?”

7. Laugh at yourself. Few things are as winning as people who are willing to poke fun at their own foibles. This doesn’t mean saying, “I’m so clueless” and waiting for everyone to cry, “Oh, no, you’re great!” It means honestly laughing at your idiosyncrasies and mistakes.

8. Refuse to take offense. Part of humility is not taking yourself too seriously and not getting your back up. Pride takes offense at an undermining comment, humility shrugs it off.

9. Teasing. One way of showing fellow feeling is teasing people – gently. People liked to be joshed, but not about anything sensitive.

10. Remember your limits. You’re just one person. You’re not infallible. It actually IS possible that you’re wrong.

11. Don’t be a bore. It’s pride to assume that others are as interested in the minutiae of your life as you are.

12. Be courteous to others, no matter who they are. William Lyon Phelps wrote, "The final test of a gentleman is his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him."

The issue of humility is confusing, because “being humble” is often understood to mean that you think little of yourself, that you denigrate yourself.

But I’ve found, at least in my case, when I have a stronger sense of myself, I can more easily practice humility. Lack of self-confidence makes me prideful, insistent on my ideas, defensive, quick to anger. One of the least attractive personality combinations is arrogance mixed with insecurity.

C. S. Lewis wrote: “The more we have [pride] ourselves, the more we dislike it in others…if you want to find out how proud you are the easiest way is to ask yourself, ‘How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off?’”

My answer: I dislike it very much. That’s why I’m working on humility.

But I’ve found the best way to think about this issue is not to frame it in terms of pride or humility, but rather to “Be Gretchen” – to let go of arrogance and boastfulness, as well as defensiveness and insecurity.

Just to make matters more complicated, humility itself can be used as a tool of pride. In her fantastic book of essays, The Woman at the Washington Zoo, Marjorie Williams recounts an old story:

At a meeting of Moshe Dayan and Edward R. Murrow, Dayan repeatedly praised the newsman’s legendary broadcasts. Murrow humbly disclaimed the achievement. Finally, Dayan said, “Don’t be so modest. You’re not that good.”

Humility. A deep subject.

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I was a fan of Curt Rosengren's blog, The Occupational Adventure, and now he has written an e-book based on a lot of the material he developed there, 101 Ways to Get Wild About Work. It just came out, so I haven't read it yet, but I'm really looking forward to seeing what he has to say.

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Comments

[Mella DP]

Your opening story made me laugh, because just last week I met a fellow in an airport who said something similar when asked about his work. (Turns out he's in the tobacco industry and prefers not to answer that question because many people, when they find out, flat out refuse to continue speaking to him.) But he was the counterexample to your guy - very charming and a great conversationalist, and as I read through your list of tips for humility I realized he had practiced many of them even in our brief conversation in the terminal. The term "humility" hadn't previously crossed my mind in reference to that incident, but that's exactly what I was observing. Thanks for the insight.

[Loralea]

All great tips, I especially like #2, Give Credit to Others. Often we think that by giving others credit we are minimizing what we have done ourselves. We are scared that our work will be forgotten, they will get full credit, a promotion or simply be a better person/employee. Fear holds us back in so many ways, giving credit shouldn't be one of them.

[Whitney Johnson]

Love, love #12. So the measure of people. Great post!

[MJ]

I'm still reeling from the Rosengren link - enjoyment? Fun? No ulcers, sleep loss and depression? Not wanting to burn down your office building every day? What a concept!

[Maria Helm]

“Don’t be so modest. You’re not that good.”
It took some thinking for me to process what was meant by that. If I'm understanding correctly, it means that for someone to say "Oh, it was nothing" is to say "I'm so good I didn't even have to try". When really the modest thing to say is something like "Thank you - I tried really hard, so I'm glad you thought it was good!"

Am I overthinking things here, or is that the meaning?

[Kaja]

To answer Maria, above, I first read the Murrow/Dayan exchange as a reminder that a compliment can mean very different things to the praiser and to the recipient. Perhaps by categorically refusing to acknowledge Dayan's praise, Murrow paradoxically outed himself as thinking he was being called superman, or whatever, when really he was just being praised for doing his job well.
Depending on the context, your read could certainly be correct.

#12 stopped me cold–– how important it every day, but at this time of year especially, when holiday giving/entertaining can feel dangerously transactional and quid pro quo: whom to invite, whom to send cards to, whom to spend money on and how much....

Thanks for this post, Gretchen.

[E-Money]

I like "Give Credit to Others". As a corollary, a teacher of mine explained that assigning credit to others can allow you to promote your own viewpoint in a nonthreatening way. You put yourself out there, but people can agree with you without having to feel that they lowered themselves- they are agreeing with the advice of the expert in absentia.

Happy Holidays, Gretchen!

[Great Tips - We need to be reminded from time to time]

In addition to that guy making you do all the conversational work, some folks are so humble that it comes across as just another kind of arrogance, rather like a neon sign flashing REALLY HUMBLE, MORE HUMBLE THAN YOU EVER DREAMT OF BEING.

Gosh, I wish number 5 were easier. I forget names the minute people say them. Sigh.

Malcolm

[Ronit]

Enjoyable post - and very informative and thought-provoking.
The relationship (and the fine line) between pride and humility has more often than not befuddled me to the extreme.
It's still not 100% clear, but I have found one way of looking at it that has been extremely helpful.
Humility it seems is strongly linked to honesty - as is a healthy measure of pride in who you are.
If I am humble, it doesn't mean that I'm overly conciliatory or that I give in just for the sake of being the bigger person that gives in.
It means that I recognize my worth - being respectful to myself and honest about my own abilities, but I also allow myself the privilege and adventure of recognizing the worth in others - thereby affording them the proper respect.
In this way I am honest about my own abilities - yes, it IS possible that I am wrong - and those of others.
I hope this makes sense.........

[Marge]

Hi Gretchen. I am intrigued with much of what you say about happiness, but what really struck me as particularly relevant to the topic was this section on pride and humility. A couple of years ago my husband and I were Hanukah shoppinf for his kids, young at the time, at one of those very busy, packed full toy stores with loud blaring music and frantic parents. In the back a youth group from a local church was donating its services to do complimentary gift wrapping asking only for a small donation for a local shelter. ( We live in a pretty affluent area) Just as it was about to be our turn in line to have our gifts wrapped we overheard from the customer in line in front of us that in all of the store's activity that his gifts had been wrapped but then accidentally given to another patron who walked out with them. What so struck me, and why I am sharing this is that instead of being angry, upset or in any way hostile as you might expect he simply called attention to it to the group leader. The youth who had mistakenly handed the packages to the wrong patron immediately began digging into her jeans pocket to pay the man money to compensate. He of course said no and then just very calmly said that perhaps the person who had walked away with his gifts (already paid for of course) would realize the error and return later on the day. He asked if he could just leave his number to be contacted by the store if this happened. I was so moved by his lack of cynicism or demandingness, honestly, I think of his demeanor whenever I find myself getting all indignant over some "wrong" tht happens to me that very likely is the result of simple human error with no malice intended. I have no idea the outcome of this man's situation, but he certainly impacted me in the most simplest of ways. Remebering this helps me to slow down and to try to keep my emotional responses to life events simple. Anyway I hope I have communicated what I witnessed as one of the components of the essence of humility. It was certainly a gift to me. Only a happy, peaceful person would respond so calmly and plain old kindly.