A gigantic Happiness Project victory for me: I refrained from nagging.

I’ve been working hard to stop nagging. I’ve thought a lot about nagging, and how to cut down on nagging, because nagging is unpleasant for me, unpleasant for the Big Man – and furthermore, it doesn’t even work.

I’ve recently had the chance to practice not nagging.

Each year, instead of sending out holiday cards in December, I send out family Valentine’s Day cards, because December is such a crazy time.

Even apart from procuring a fabulous photo of the girls and ordering the cards, sending them out takes a lot of grunt work: stuffing, sealing, stamping, and addressing. (Though this year, for the first time, I’m using printed address labels instead of handwriting them – handwriting is nicer, but just too much work.) Our cards arrived about ten days ago, so the task looms.

For Christmas, my sister gave the Big Man a DVD set of Season Three of the TV show Lost. He and I have slowly been watching the episodes.

The other night, as we settled in on the sofa to watch, I got out the stacks of untouched envelopes and cards and asked, “Would you like to stuff or seal?”

He gave me a sad look and said, “Please don’t make me.”

And I DIDN’T. I let it go. I didn’t say another word.

Last night, we settled in again. I took out stacks of envelopes and cards. And this time, I DIDN’T even ASK.

I didn’t really care about doing it myself. It wasn’t hard, and I could do it while watching TV. Zoikes, it was a relief and a pleasure just to do the work myself, and let it go, than to feel myself nagging.

Maybe that doesn’t seem like a “fair” outcome.

I used to have a self-congratulatory habit, when I did something nice for our household like sending out Valentine’s cards, of telling myself, “I’m doing this for the Big Man,” or “I’m doing this for the team.”

Then I’d be angry if no one oohed and aahed over what I’d done. Or if no one helped.

Now, however, I tell myself, “I’m doing this for myself. This is what I want.” I want to send out Valentine’s cards.

This sounds like a selfish attitude, but in fact, it’s less selfish, because it means I don’t expect praise or help from anyone else.

I can do the Valentine’s cards, and be pleased, and not nag, and not feel resentful. A happy solution.

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I LOVE before-and-after de-cluttering pictures, especially when they involve the application of Happiness Project principles. This blogger on The Reshaping Project got great results in just thirty minutes. Inspiring.

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Comments

[Nick]

Congratulations.

The ultimate form of intelligence is kindness.

[Alex C.]

I love this article from the New York Times:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html

It's called, "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage".

[Shelvia]

:)) I agree a hundred percent with you that this is the happy solution.
Even though it is much easier to nag or get annoyed because no one is helping you; refraining from nagging would give MUCH MORE satisfaction and better end result. :)
Well done! Love your post! :)

[shapes]

I was introduced to a similar approach a friend referred to as "roommate zen". She used to get really annoyed about things like unrinsed dishes in the kitchen, dirty bathroom tiles etc. Her stress levels were getting quite high.

In the end if she saw something that needed to be done and she knew her room mate wasn't going to do it, she just did it herself quietly with no fuss or mention (in a state of zen, if you like).

Her theory was that her happiness depended more on the thing being done than the person who did it. She could spend hours (or days) fuming about something and stressing about it not being done or she could just spend 15 minutes doing it and getting on with her life.

I've become zen about quite a lot of things in my house over the years :) It really does make a difference.

[RG25]

I just checked out your blog for the first time today, and I really appreciate this entry. I too fall into the habit of doing things (ie. dishes, laundry, random tasks that need to be taken care of) and then get upset because no one seems to care, notice, or appreciate my efforts. Though I don't always do these things because I *want* to (sometimes I do them just because I know no one else wants to, but they need to be done regardless!), I need to learn to let go. Thank you for your words of wisdom!

[Pippa]

A star for you, Gretchen! It does give one a wonderful feeling when you can keep a 'nag' inside you and rather shine a quiet light.

When I do manage such wonders, I feel intact, if you know what I mean, not bleeding all over the edges, spilling negative energy.

[Joy]

I think there's a huge difference between optional (or luxury) tasks like sending out Valentine's (or even Christmas) cards, and necessary tasks, like those to keep a household clean and fed.

I see no reason why our partners should feel obliged to participate in our hobbies, whatever they might be. How weird if I was drawing one night, and said to my husband, here's your paper, you draw a picture of the cat too.

I also see no reason (unlike other commentors) why we should use patience and repression to do more than a fair share of household tasks. "What's that, honey? You don't like doing the dishes, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, doing the laundry or mowing the lawn? That's okay, sweetie. I can let go of my need for you do that." That's just crazy talk and leads you down a slippery slope to depression and marital problems.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I LOVE the Shamu article!

Joy, you've brought up the very heart of the matter. what if one person just won't help? One key problem is that what one considers "optional" (like Valentine's cards) another considers "essential." It's very common for two partners to have very different ideas of how clean the house needs to be, for example. One person thinks that it's quite clean enough, the other is fuming because X, Y, or Z isn't done. Both think the other person is being unreasonable and imposing their selfish views on the other.

Then you have to decide whether to nag about it or to redefine your cleaning (or whatever) as "hobby."

But then there are things that are obviously essential. Paying bills, doing laundry at least every once in a while, etc.

This is the biggest problem. How to deal with someone who JUST WON'T pitch in? I have my huge list of coping mechanisms that I posted (write a note, let a person do it his or her own way, etc.) but some folks are intractable.

I think this is one of the toughest problems in a relationship. Fortunately for me, the Big Man is sensitive to things that bug me, like clutter, disorganization, lack of supplies, etc., so when things get bad, he's eager to pitch in or takes the initiative himself. We also have a clear division of duties, so that I know I have to deal with the bills; he deals with food. That means less bickering, because in those areas, we don't expect the other to pitch in.

But I've heard (and I know) a lot of people with a partner who just doesn't care. I don't know. This is very, very tough. It's hard to let someone off the hook for doing all household chores, just because they're unhelpful -- yet the Happiness-Project side of my brain says that it would make a person happier just to do it and not fuss. Nagging NEVER works with those folks, so it's not like that would help. And the nagging creates bad feelings, on top of the unfinished work.

The realistic side of me says "Huh! No way!"

[Akinoluna]

I was about to be all "It's a family card! He should be helping!" but yeah, if it's your idea and makes you happy, it doesn't affect him, and he couldn't care less...why bug him?

But I agree with Joy on household chores. Everyone should be pitching in equally, in some way or another. No adult should have to clean up after another adult even for peace of mind. It might make some people feel better but I get even MORE pissed off when I have to clean somebody's dirty plate just so I can eat. That roommate isn't a roommate, she's a live-in, unpaid maid.

[Debbie M]

Yep, this alternative to nagging would work for some things, but not other things. It helps to remember the things your partner does that you don't have to deal with.

For the important things, it's good to discuss your goals in various areas. The worst is when one person is so much more demanding in every single area that the other person never feels the need to do anything. For example one person may only do laundry once they are out of underwear, whereas the other person wants to do it as soon as a full load is ready. In this case, the first person might just end up never ever doing laundry because the other person never lets it go that long. (If the other person gets really sick for a long time, the first person will eventually begin doing laundry!)

Similarly, one person might not be motivated to do dishes until they use the last spoon, but the other may want to clean up after every meal. One may not clean the house unless there's a party, and another may want it cleaned every week.

In these cases, the more tolerant one would actually do work if they were living alone, and they probably don't even mind doing the work, it's just that it never seems urgent.

So, discussing that you don't like to wait that long, you might be able to make various deals such as that the more tolerant one does one load of laundry every Monday and every Thursday, even if there is still plenty of underwear. If you think things should be dusted every day, and your roommate thinks once a month is fine, at least get them to dust once a month (even though they will feel it is not necessary) on a specific day.

Or you could try to find ways to engage the reflex earlier. Hide most of their underwear or most of the spoons. Start having more parties and get-togethers.

[Michael Smith]

There Ye Go!

do things whut feel good cuz you want to!

keyword!: WANT!

Do Things Because You Want To Do Them!

WANT!

Feels good, neh?

See! See! The Secret slowly filters out!
hehe.

Thank You! Thank You For Finally Saying "WANT"!

anyways. sorry for the pidgin-english. almost died an hour ago. not really though.

Anyways! Keep wanting, you'll keep getting!
All anyone can do is ask! Keep asking~!

Laters~! ^_~**

[Barb D]

>

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[EAC]

Oh, I'm just happy knowing I'm not alone in my household-related struggles with my husband!

We have discussed a spectrum: I am on the clean side, he is on the less clean side. As others have noted, this means things become unacceptable to me sooner, which means I do ALL of the household work. ARGH!!! Our positions on the spectrum feel innate - I can't imagine budging (much) and neither can he.

We assigned tasks to help with the problems - he is to take out the trash and empty the dish rack. But, once again, his tolerance is higher - so the trash piles up next to the can, and I can't wash dishes because the dish rack is full of dry dishes.

My bottom line issue seems to be - how do you make someone care about something they simply don't? I tried to say, "this is important to me. it will make me relaxed and happy if the trash is taken out sooner. you can show me love by taking out the trash." He was mad that I tied love with chores.

That's life, living with another person. I wouldn't trade him for the world!

[Hayden Tompkins]

It's interesting that men don't typically involve themselves in activities like Christmas cards because they don't see how it matters. However, when couples divorce, often the men become EXREMELY depressed and lonely because the wife was basically manging the social network.

So, :pat on the back: to you, because it really can be important.

[Renee Hopkins Callahan]

I struggle with this myself, hugely. I always want to take the view that if we've agreed on how we want our marriage to go and my husband doesn't do his part, I can and should hold him accountable, usually by lecturing him. (They start out as discussions, but always end as lectures.) Otherwise he's off the hook. But when I do that I hate the way I feel, so who's really suffering here? Thank you for a picture of a better way!

[CDeBoe]

It may be that you want (consciously) to send the cards but you also expect (subconciously) that writing the cards will be a "family time" project. My wife came up with that sort of project all the time. As an Asperger's type, my response was always "Sweetie, if you want to send cards, go right ahead" and of course she was always frustrated. Once we worked out that what she MEANT was not what she was SAYING, we were able to fix it. I now write five cards, she writes forty-five, and that works.
We've been married 20 years and I've also worked out that "Isn't the moon bright?" actually means "Let's go for a walk"; and "Are you planning to be up long?" is code for "Come read next to me as I go to sleep."

[grimo1re]

I love the idea of sending out family valentine's cards. That's a fantastic idea...do you write much on them, like what's happened over the year or do you just wish them...a happy valentines?/year?