In which I realize that I'm having trouble staying "mindful."

I’ve been working on my mindfulness. Hmmm…but HOW?

I’m trying to stay more deeply in the present moment, to savor the seasons and this time of life, to stay focused on NOW rather than constantly fret about the future.

Current scientific studies show the benefits of being mindful, and certainly great religious leaders and philosophers have emphasized its importance. It’s hard for me to do, however.

For example, I just can't bring myself to try meditating. Meditation holds zero interest for me -- which, I know, probably means that I'm in all the more dire need of it. Ah well.

But just yesterday, I had a strange mindfulness (or rather, lack thereof) experience.

We’d spent a cozy family weekend together, mostly involving going to children’s birthday parties (four in three days!).

But last night, after the girls were both in bed, and I was heading to my desk to check my emails, I had the sensation that I was zooming back into my body and my life.

It was as if I were returning from a two-week trip. I felt as if I hadn’t seen any member of my family for many, many days. The very hallway in which I stood seemed fresh and unfamiliar.

It was very, very unnerving. If I was just getting back home – where had I been? I felt disoriented.

I have to think that this experience was somehow the consequence of not being mindfully present for the weekend. I hadn’t felt particularly distracted or preoccupied, but maybe I was just off in some other zone – and then got yanked back solidly into my life.

Weird. A good reminder of the importance of mindfulness.

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Comments

[SJW]

All of this seems so flotsam and jetsam to those of us in the throes of grief-I am a young(ish) widow of nine months now, and frankly happiness is such a long way off in my life I am not sure I will ever get there-so my personal happiness project will not be about how to fight with your loved one or how to be helpful to others, but more about soothing the black hole of grief the resides in my heart.
I would LOVE some suggestions as to how to do THAT!
Here is my blog about how I deal with a life I never asked for:
http://deardazzy.blogspot.com/

[Heather at Grace303]

This is such an interesting post. I too wonder how to work on mindfulness, and being fully present in the moment.

[Jackie Danicki]

For me, what helped was to stop thinking about "meditation" and just to get in the habit of noticing my breathing. (It was suggested to me that I practice this whenever I'm waiting in any line - which is when I need it most, as it happens.) I was very hung up on whether or not I'd be able to "do it right," but it was explained to me that there is no wrong way to do it. Your thoughts will butt in there and you just keep swatting them away, but the intrusion is part of the mindfulness.

Finally, I resorted to doing this at night when I wanted to fall asleep but wasn't dead tired. It works.

[Alex C.]

Gretchen, I'm with you on the meditation thing. I tried it twice, and both times I just sat there thinking about the scores of items on my long "to do" list that I should be doing instead of trying to focus on my breathing. Maybe I'm missing out on something wonderful, but after having spent considerable time and effort filling my mind with information, I'm not enthralled with the idea of making my mind a blank.

[Jason Walton]

I think it's common and unfortunate that so many people think the only way to meditate is by sitting still in the lotus position. I have often achieved meditative states as a long distance runner. Mt. climbers, by necessity of their pursuit, must be focused and in the moment or risk serious injury or even death. I believe that is the real draw to so-called "adrenaline" sports. The risks facilitate states of complete focus in the moment. When athletes speak of being "in the zone" they have achieved a state of complete focus ( mindfulness ). One thing that links these examples is deep breathing. However, meditative states can also be achieved through activities as benign as knitting or painting, as long as you don't hold your breath;)

[Mrs. Micah]

It's horribly unnerving, isn't it? Fortunately I take public transit a lot, so I don't have the opportunity to zone out driving very much.

I still haven't found a way to remember to be mindful. But now that I'm practicing, it sometimes happens anyway. And I open myself to that and to appreciating it.

[Mad William Flint]

Zen & other eastern(ish) approaches to this problem have figured out one of it's trickier aspects: Developing mindfulness is like remembering to remember, it's a chicken & egg problem.

What you've really got to do I suppose is take some other little trick and associate it with "focusing on where you are, how you feel and what's going on around you" (a poor, thoroughly inadequate description of 'being mindful')

For instance: Take 2 seconds (and I mean 2 seconds, not the 2 seconds that bleeds in to 10 minutes) close your eyes, breathe slowly deeply and deliberately. Open them slowly and pay attention to where you are as though you just got there (hint: you did.)

I know, it sounds like a bunch of cheesy nonsense but if you remember to do it every once in a while it becomes habit forming and you eventually get to a point where you recognize it when you're "slipping away from yourself" which is the only real way you can, as Ouspensky says "remember yourself."

[Paige]

It's sad, but I have had the same sensation you describe here. I have taken my daughter to storytime, only to return home to work in the afternoon. As I sit there and work, I'm not sure I could tell you what stories were being read at storytime, whether my daughter enjoyed them, whether I'd recommend them. I suppose mindfulness is a challenge in a multitasking society. I wonder how one slows down the mind enough to stop and soak it all in. Presumably meditation, but I typically don't have that kind of time on my hands...

[Michael Sporer]

The first chapter of Dale Carnegie's "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" talks about this very subject. He quotes the Roman poet Horace:

"Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He, who can call today his own,
He, who secure within can say;
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today".

I re-read this chapter at least once a month. The words from 30BC still hold true!

[Travelinoma]

Writing is my way of meditating. Can't a blog count?

[Alex]

I'm not sure how far you'd want to get into it, but there's a book called "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" by Thich Nhat Hanh that I enjoy and return to when remembering mindfulness becomes an issue.

Particularly Chapter Six -- "Stopping, Calming, Resting, Healing."

I'm going to type out my favorite quote here:

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"There is a story in Zen circles about a man and a horse. The horse is galloping quickly, and it appears the man on the horse is going somewhere important. Another man, standing alongside the road, shouts, 'Where are you going?' and the first man replies, 'I don't know! Ask the horse!' This is also our story. We are riding a horse, we don't know where we are going, and we can't stop. The horse is our habit energy pulling us along, and we are powerless. We are always running, and it becomes habit. We struggle all the time, even during our sleep. We are at war within ourselves, and we can easily start a war with others."

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I read this, and on a good day I tell myself, "I've stopped the horse."

[Patti]

I like the story about the horse in the above comment - taking each moment at a time, wherever it may take you.

I've been reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now' and have found this very helpful when combined with a meditation practice (10-15 mins).

I don't think meditation is about 'emptying' your mind exactly. If our mind is like a filing cabinet that we keep stuffing papers (thoughts) into, eventually it will become over-stuffed and disorganised. Therefore taking the ten or so minutes to just 'be' and let your mind do its 'filing' and 'sorting' is just good housekeeping. (and I know that you like de-cluttering!)

I love the moment you described of becoming deeply aware of yourself. Returning home can be so calming after a busy time away.

[Helen]

It has been so interesting to read the comments... I thought everyone would comment on the strange experience you had (I had hoped for some explanation). Instead there is a discussion of meditation! I didn't even realize that you mentioned meditation. I must've been scanning too quickly... however, I have been musing on what it must be like to suddenly come back into my body. Really weird.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Dear SJW -- how very sad to be deaing with the death of your husband. I'm sure everything else in life and happiness shrinks in comparison to that. Just know that many people out here in blogland are thinking of you and hoping that you will find more peace soon.

[Yvette]

When I read your post it hit me right away that the trouble you are hving in being in mindfullness lies in the word trying.. It´s impossible to do something while you are "trying" .. Try it yourself.. for example..TRY to take that pen from the table.. Could you do it?
Well,then you were NOT TRYING , YOU DID take that pen from the table..
We need to remember; DO or DON`T ..
That is the only thing that will work.. TRYING is such a bad word that makes us loose enrgy and focus, because after all when we don´t get the resluts we want we were at least " trying" and it can go on forever.. Please , put that excuse out of your mind and you´ll find DO or DON`T is the only thing that will work!

Much love and light

Yvette

[MJ]

I understand - I'm just exiting a many-year period in which I was shocked every time I looked in the mirror. Each time I didn't recognize myself, I was still expecting 15/16 year old me to look back. Now I realize that over those years of trying to force myself be someone and something else, and shut off all resulting feelings and perceptions that were painful, I was not only not mindful at all (probably 99.9% not mindful, ever) but consequently missed the passage of time and the seasons, changes in myself and others, and any kind of feeling about anything. Mindfullness is good, trying to recover the last 15+ years of your life that you purposefully chose not to experience is hard. I still feel very frequently that nothing is real and nothing I'm experiencing is real or authentic - it's all a curtain over the true reality that I can't reach. Those moments are tips that I'm not being mindful at all - when you are present, reality is real.

[Honey B]

Great post. I agree that you don't have to meditate the traditional way - any discipline where you habitually come back to your Self in the moment is helpful, even if you're just doing it while washing the dishes.

If you're worried about doing it right, it'll just be another task put on you by somebody else. For me, the secret is playing with it, having fun, seeing what works for me and not worrying about whether I'm doing it "right."

I find that if I bring my consciousness back to my physical body, becoming aware of how my body feels, I can calm my mind and I feel more present and relaxed, more centered. Almost like dropping back into Me instead of flying around in the air riding my "horse" of thoughts.

I'm not a woo-woo person at all, but I'm convinced that practicing mindfulness/presence is the secret to easing our suffering. Even in my grief over a major breakup (not the same as losing a loved one, I know), mindfulness helped me feel peaceful and centered even in my pain.

Good luck to all!

[Valerie]

There is a mystery in the out of body experience you describe.After a very busy and stressful week something similar happened to me and I still have no logical explanation.I even thought I could be ill...
Still so many questions...

[Valerie]

There is a mystery in the out of body experience you describe.After a very busy and stressful week something similar happened to me and I still have no logical explanation.I even thought I could be ill...
Still so many questions...

[Adrian]

Watched a TV documentary recently called Extreme Pilgrim, about an English vicar who tries to emulate various famous aesthetes. In the Himalayas, he goes to live in a cave as the sadhus (Hindhu holy men) do.

The sadhus can live in caves for years. After just 3 DAYS, this guy was astonished how strange it felt to be just aware of himself and his surroundings, and realized how it was the first time in maybe 10 years he had actually just stopped DOING stuff.

The out of body thing is surely your brain shifting gear. Ticking off jobs is all frontal lobe, cognitive stuff. Being aware involves parietal (sensation), temporal (auditory), and occipital lobes (vision), plus deeper, more primitive parts like the midbrain where nerves carry sensory information that you are not necessarily conscious of eg blindsight.

[mindbodygreen]

a lot of people have difficulty getting started with mindfulness. we have a great post entitled "Mindfulness for Beginners" (http://mindbodygreen.com/0-103/Mindfulness-for-Beginners.html) you might want to check out. It has 5 easy tips to help people get started.

[Terry]

Staying in the present and being mindful is about enjoying each and every moment to the max.

http://www.mylifechanges.com/finding-peace-and-harmony-with-meditation.php

My take on it...

[Livinmybestlife]

I am re-reading Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton right now and she said something that I think hits on this very phenomenon. That sometimes life does not seem “real” to us until we again have time alone to consider what has happened and to reconvene with our own inner dialogue (I’m summarizing here). I think this may be particularly true when you have a very rich inner life and or if you tend to be introverted (you enjoy people but are energized by time alone).

[Phil]

What you are describing is too much 'business'. Do 'we' really need to attend so many parties in such a short time? Why not pick one--or two? I try to enforce a family rule of no more than two activities in a weekend day---more means too much stress (to the primary shuttlebus driver in the familiy). Ten years from now, who will remember who attended what parties, and if your past is a blur, it was all meaningless for everyone. Better to choose carefully, and then you can really live 'in the moment' and enjoy being present in your own hallways.

cheers pb

[Dorothy]

No time to read the comments so forgive me if I repeat what's already been said.
No one is good at mindfulness. Mindfulness is not a result, it's a process. I think even long long time meditators would tell you that their mind still wanders and that they are not very good at mindfulness.
Would you say that you're good at happiness? It's the process, right?
Same thing.
The practice itself can be dull, boring and everything else but it's the practice itself that makes it that over time you actually find yourself more present and more "mindful".
Good luck!