Once again, I remind myself to "Act the way I want to feel" and to "Spend out."

I just finished Beth Lisick’s hilarious memoir, Helping Me Help Myself: One Skeptic, Ten Self-Help Gurus, and a Year on the Brink of the Comfort Zone. She writes about the year she spent trying to improve her life by following the advice of ten of America’s best self-help gurus: Suze Orman, Richard Simmons, Jack Canfield, John Gray, etc.

Ummm...sound a tiny bit familiar?

When I first heard about the book, I have to confess, it made me feel anxious and defensive. Kinda like the way I felt when I heard about A. J. Jacobs’ The Year of Living Biblically. And when I heard about Jennifer Niesslein’s Practically Perfect in Every Way.

But then I reminded myself – Hey, I’m always saying that EVERYONE should have a happiness project! Here is hers! Fabulous, the more the merrier! It will be great! Obviously, something is happening in our culture right now, when people are interested in undertaking these projects -- count me in!

And I read her book, and it’s terrific. I actually laughed out loud, which I rarely do.

Helping Me Help Myself perfectly illustrates the fact that everyone’s Happiness Project is going to look different, because everyone’s life is different.

Beth’s life is very different from mine. For example, she and her husband often stay out late, going to see bands play. I’m trying to remember if ever, in our whole history together, the Big Man and I have ever gone to see a band. I don’t think so.

Beth is the kind of person who can show up in a new city, meet some people, and end up having dinner with them that night. And enjoy the process. This isn’t me.

But that’s the fun of it! -- seeing how she lives, what challenges she faces, how she tries to become happier and better. Every happiness project is relevant to every other, because we learn about ourselves by learning about other people.

Ron Hogan of the publishing-news blog GalleyCat, a guy who is a role model for my resolution to “Bring people together,” introduced Beth and me when she was in town promoting her book. He figured we’d have a lot to talk about.

Well, Beth confessed that she’d had a similar reaction to my Happiness Project when she first heard about it. It made her anxious. Then, she said, she reminded herself about “Abundance.”

That’s exactly what I remind myself with my resolution, “Spend out.” I don’t need to hoard; I don’t need to begrudge others anything, I can trust to abundance. We can all write great books about our happiness projects!

I really do believe that repeating these reminders really does make a difference in my thinking. I have the mantra my sister taught me: People succeed in groups. I have the sign-off I use whenever I email anyone with a blog: “May we both have a million readers.”

By “Acting the way I want to feel” (Third Commandment), I transform my feelings so that I feel friendly, generous, enthusiastic. And that’s a much nicer feeling than cursing to myself every time I see a nice notice about Beth’s book.

The thing is my Happiness Project really DOES work. When I take the steps I know I should take, it does result in more happiness.

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Comments

[TasterSpoon]

Yeah, I don't think it's a zero sum game. I would wager that most people who buy self help books of any kind rarely stop at one.

And indeed, increasing attention to the genre probably benefits all of you. Kind of like how gas stations cluster at intersections.

[Madeleine]

Hey Gretchen,
I stumbled upon this blog a while ago and am really fascinated with its content and can't wait for the book to come out. The idea of Happiness has always intrigued me and I think public consciousness is starting to awaken to the fact that something in our current North American society isn't entirely conducive to that state.
One video I watched that you may like is at www.thestoryofstuff.com.
I think consumerism and happiness are inextricably linked, as any round of 'reality' shows will demonstrate - weight loss shows, organizing shows, de-cluttering shows and debt-busting shows, these all deal with the basic problem of using food or stuff to compensate for unhappiness.
Keep up the intriguing work!

[Chief Family Officer]

This was a lovely post, Gretchen. I really like the abundance/spend out sentiment. And of course you've made me want to read Beth's book - it's going on my list right now!

[Garius]

I just finished reading another book that is essentially about the author's own Happiness project. The book was excellent: "Eat, Pray, Love", by Elizabeth Gilbert.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Yes, EAT, PRAY, LOVE is a great happiness-project book.

I think happiness projects fall into two camps: one where the person travels far away to find transformation, and one where the person tries to change himself or herself at home.

The first category includes great books like Eat, Pray, Love, The Geography of Bliss (another new book on happiness!), Into the Wild, and Walden.

The second category includes the books I mention above, plus my beloved STORY OF A SOUL.

I think both are interesting, and although I wouldn't want to undertake the first category of happiness project, I love reading about that kind of travel for self-realization.

At the same time, that approach is less imitable for most people.

One question I wonder about happiness projects is -- do people really want to do a happiness project for themselves? Or do most people find it too daunting to think about actually doing it? In which case, it's more fun to fantastize about radical transformation, in a way that's not really possible (e.g., moving to India or traveling to Iceland isn't possible for most people) and so is fun but doesn't feel you with self-reproach when you don't do it.

But when I read about Beth Lisick doing a better job discipling her son, or A.J. Jacobs giving up working on the Sabbath, or Jennifer Niesslein being nicer to other people, or St. Therese being extremely friendly to the nun who drove her crazy, it makes me feel like HEY, I could be doing that, too. And I should be.

I'm absolutely fascinated by the question of consumerism.

[Karly Pitman]

Gretchen,

I've felt the same way, when I read books by authors spreading similar messages as my own. I think envy or feelings of competition are natural human reactions to this circumstance. The key is expanding your feelings, as you so eloquently said. It's not as if goodness or success or happiness are limited quantities; non-renewable resources. There's a mantra that we use in our family that helps me relax: "There's enough to go around." There's enough to go around; room for both you and Beth to be successful authors. There's enough to go around: other women can be beautiful, too. There's enough to go around: someone else's success doesn't detract from my own.

I received an email last year from a woman who was writing about similar things as myself (firstourselves.com). She wrote about our overlapping work, wondering if we could talk. As she approached me in a spirit of cooperation, we found much to share, and have since become friends.

Yes, there's enough to go around. Yes, our joy is multiplied when we celebrate with others...in their triumphs, as well as our own.

Best,
Karly Pitman
www.firstourselves.com

[Gretchen Rubin]

This is weird. I can't seem to post on my own blog. My response about EAT PRAY LOVE isn't showing up. Here's a test...will this appear?

[Sarah]

I think it's really brave that you admitted feeling defensive when you hear about projects similar to your own. I know what you mean, but then I have the same realization you did: what I do makes me happy, so I should be happy for people doing what makes them happy, too. Also, this book sounds super funny, so thanks for the recommendation.

[Kimberly]

In response to your question whether people find happiness projects daunting, I would actually love to try one, but I'm not sure what goals would be truly helpful for me.

Perhaps that's a sign I should read your blog more(I'm relatively new to it). I certainly like your rule about acting as you want to feel.

Kimberly

kimberlybluestocking.blogspot.com

[phquaryn]

Your post reminds me of studying themes in fiction back in High School English class. There were very few: man vs. man, man vs. nature, etc. Every novel ever written could fit into one of those catagories, but the unique voice of the author keeps the old themes fresh and interesting.

[Mike Paanaha]

i make like i care but just do um 4 myself

[Kevin]

Roads to happiness are relative: When I worked and earned, part of my happiness was dependent upon the amount of disposable income I had, with it I could afford certain amenities and personal luxuries, but more importantly, I was able to share.

Now, I am on SSDI; it happened "Zap!" just like that, I was not prepared, financially and otherwise, as I am not at the age where any kind of an abrupt change should've been a concern.

I now live on a monthly income that is forty dollars ($40) above the national poverty level for a single person. I found I could no longer do or participate in some of the things that my friends and I did, as a result various relationships have suffered, are suffering, or have dissolved.

I can not expect people to dumb down their existences; go to a movie with me, as opposed to going to the theater and I can’t allow myself to be “carried”; that would only cause resentments after a while.

One cannot live beyond one’s means: Moving from a spacious apartment to a modest room, thus far, has been a happiness/harmony damper. After paying for weeks two of occupancy, having “tenancy at will” explained to me accompanied but a flurry of threats concerning the fate of my possessions if I am so much as a day late on the rent, I was told to keep my door locked 24/7 and a starter roll of toilet tissue was tossed at me. A thorough check behind the two other doors, beside the entry door, in my 10 x 10 foot living space, indicated that the bathroom must be out in the hall somewhere. It was occupied the first time I tried to visit it, it was empty when I went back later on, but I will not discuss that room.

For me happiness could end up being as simple as getting a reprieve from the manager when the rent is due, and my check is late; returning home from the food pantry and finding that my door has not been jimmied and all my possessions are still where I’d left them; Just finding the bathroom unoccupied when I need it.

My new love life, the absence of singles bars: Though I’ve had to lower my standards and expectations considerably, there is a woman that I’ve seen at the laundry mat that has caught my eye. Meeting this woman is a challenge, particularly when her five illegitimate, prepubescent children are smashing and crashing about completely indifferent to their mom’s hollow profanity laden threats.

Each Saturday these devils terrorize the establishment and it’s patrons; totally out of control, oblivious to anyone else and already immune to correction. I watch, sometimes slack-jawed at their amazing boldness, as they gain and practice the skills and behaviors that will eventually aid them in the successful commission of street crime and help them survive their prison sentences.

The pity here being that the washing machines and dryers eat all of my spare change, I don’t have the gelt necessary to offer this pack of bad seeds the bribe that would get them away to buy candy next door, which would provide me with an opportunity to get to know their mother, who’s been eyeballing my class ring; I believe she’s been estimating it’s weight and value it were to be melted down for scrap. I’ve yet to find the shiny side of this coin, so that I may cash in on the “Happiness” of it all.