A critical issue for harmony in marriage: Child-rearing? Money? Religion? How about...when to leave for the airport.

People know that in marriage, it’s important to agree on the important issues.

But before you’re married, you don’t know what issues are going to end up being important.

I’m convinced that a major source of harmony in my marriage is that the Big Man and I are both early-arrivers.

We like to get to places early. We always have plenty of time in the airport. We often have to stall just before going into a party, so we don’t ring the buzzer before the official start time. Whenever we meet friends someplace, I know that the Big Man will be the first one there, and I’ll be the second. (It’s nice: we always have a few minutes to catch up, just the two of us.)

Once, when we were going to Kansas City, I realized at the airport that I'd left my ID at home. We had so much time that I left the Big Man with the bags, turned around, went all the way back home, came back to the airport, and still made the plane.

So we never bicker about timing.

Some people are late-arrivers. Some of my best friends -- and my own father -- are late-arrivers. These are the folks who sprint through train stations, who pay the late pick-up penalty at day care, who say, "If you've never missed a plane, you're spending too much time in airports."

For them, it's a hobby and a challenge. The Big Man and I prefer to have plenty of time. And that's a suprisingly important source of harmony.

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Via Ben Casnocha's terrific blog, I found this very insightful post by Marshall Goldsmith about why it's not always a good idea to try to "add value" to other people's ideas. I absolutely agree. I'm a real know-it-all, and recently realized just how annoying that probably is -- so have been trying to work on this for the last several months.

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Comments

[Jane Thomas]

I love your articles! Thank you! I recently read an article that describes identifying what kind of communicator you are. It was written at the end of an article and I can't rmember if it was on your site or on zenhabits. I remember thinking it was interesting, but I deleted it by mistake. It talked about people who prefer using words, gifts, hugs, and possibly time. Do you know where I'd find it? It was within the last week. Againk thanks.

[Shelley Jones]

I enjoyed this. I am an early-arriver, my hubby a late - arriver. I like to be at the movies in my seat 15 minutes before the previews run, just so I have a minute. My hubby prefers to walk in during the previews. I prefer to be at the airport with plenty of time. My hubby would prefer to run through the airport to catch the plane. At this point, 11 years of being together, we have managed to negotiate this and try to understand each other.

[Katie]

This article totally made me laugh. While 99% of the time me and my husband get along fabulously, it is true one of the most common conflicts that comes up is when to leave to get to places on time.

In our case, though, it's not so much that I'm an early arriver and he's a late arriver, since I am sometimes late as well. It's more that I am a super-planner and he is very spotaneous/anti-planning.

The way I deal with this is I remind myself that most of the time this works out really well for us. I get free reign in my extreme planning (something I enjoy and don't mind doing mostly by myself) but when it comes to actually going out and doing stuff I let him be in charge since he is so much better at reading the moment and making sure we have fun. Thanks to me we are ready for anything, and thanks to him we actually have fun. It is true occasionally we clash in this, but most of the time it works out great.

[Chris]

Always arriving early can be a waste of time. I've always been fond of the quote "If you've never missed a plane before, it means you are spending too much time at the airport."

[Hayden Tompkins]

The secret to our marriage are double standards. I told my husband that I had some double standards; object now or forever hold your peace. I also told him that if he had any double standards to, please, let me know.

Double standards are equal opportunity, of course!

Two of my favorites include,

I can eat food off his plate and he can't touch mine unless he asks first.

I am always right, even if it is quantum physics.

One of his favorites includes,

He can put a DVD or CD back in the wrong case, or leave it in the DVD player, but I can't.

[Kristin]

This can be important even in friendships. I know I've ticked off my best friend/roommate on many occasions by not being ready to go when she is. She always got to class ten minutes early, to the movies a half-hour to hour early (or longer, if it's a new release), and to the airport no less than two hours early. She's rubbed off on me, thank goodness -- I was perpetually late to everything before I met her. I still run late often enough, but I have learned the value of getting places with time to spare!

[anna]

This is so true! I am a certified "get there early" person. My husband is chronically 20 min late and or leaving at the time we are supposed to be someplace. It used to drive me crazy. Now I just accept it as it is and don't worry about it anymore {believe me, nagging wouldn't change it. He's just a "get there late" guy}. What I have found works though is if it is important, I change the time we are supposed to arrive someplace so even with his lag, we make it. AND...my whole thing about getting ready and leaving for someplace early is so I don't have to rush. I don't do well in "rush mode." Knowing that is a boundary for me is really key. So I don't end up waiting on him and then rushing around at the last minute. Hahah, making him out to not sound so hot here, but trust me, his good qualities far out-weigh and make up for this one thing...

[Jennifer]

I have almost this exact problem with my husband but we've learned to compromise. He likes to leave places to be a bit early too, he just chronically misjudges how long it'll take to get there. Or, he'll always assume that traffic conditions will be light and clear and then is surprised as we're still sitting in traffic at the time we were supposed to be meeting people for dinner. I've learned that for everyday kind of arrival times, I can learn to be late and luckily most of our friends and family are a similar mix and it doesn't frustrate them (at least, they haven't mentioned anything to us). Thankfully, for the big appointments and plane tickets, he knows to leave a little earlier than he normally would just for the sake of my blood pressure.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It's interesting to see how early/late arriver mixed couples work it out!

Jane -- that wasn't my post, sorry. Sounds like an interesting piece.

[Dan]

My wife and I are both early birds, however my sister and her husband are late arrivers. I love my sister like no other, but I will never understand how a person can go through life being so rude to others.

[Kathryn]

Our biggest issue in this department is not being early vs. late arrivers (I probably like to be a bit early, he doesn't mind being a bit late), but the fact that I feel like the one who is always responsible for "schedule awareness." I think this is because we came into the marriage from such different situations: he was a 15-year bachelor who got himself to work on time and had few other commitments beyond that; I was a single parent/former grad student/teacher who had to get myself ready on time, get the kids ready on time, be on time to classes throughout the day, pick up kids on time, get kids to appointments and dance class and so on on time--so many time points throughout the day, every day. It can make you a little nuts.

[jen]

Ha! My husband and I are early arrivers too! I never thought about it before but am so glad we agree on it. I had a friend I spent a lot of time with and he was always late. always. and it drove me insane! It just stresses me out running late which is one of the reasons I go never go on the Amazing race. love your blog!

[Michelle Potter]

Jane, are you talking about the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman?

[Leila]

You've really hit on something here for me. Especially since our culture is so enamored with time- how much time we spend alone, with each other, at work, commuting, etc. I love how you're able to see one of the things in your marriage that makes it work.

Thanks for the link to the Marshall Goldsmith post. While I'm no world authority on anything, some of my friends and family think of me as a know-it-all... and I think I'm far from it. It's an interesting post. I'll be thinking about how I "add too much value" to things people say. got me thinking.

[jen]

Thank you for not presenting the late arriver "style" as a judgment. Just for that, I will not resent the smugness of the next early arriver who looks down on me...
;o)