It's Friday: time to think about YOUR Happiness Project. This week: Identify the problem.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

My 8th Commandment is to Identify the problem. That is, when you’re annoyed, angered, or frustrated, ask yourself, “What exactly is the problem here?”

This rule seems so obvious that it’s hard to explain why it’s so tremendously helpful, but it has been the one of my most major happiness-project breakthroughs.

You might think, “This doesn’t make any sense. If I have a problem, how it is possible that I haven’t identified it?”

But I’ve realized that I’ve put up with a problem or an irritation for years, because I haven’t actually examined the actual nature of the problem, and therefore, hadn’t seen how it might be solved.

Now I’m disciplining myself to ask, “What’s bugging me? Why is something not working?”

I just applied this commandment with huge success.

The Little Girl is unusually ebullient, enthusiastic, and sweet-natured (maybe it was all those happiness books I read while I was pregnant). On the other hand, she’s also prone to tantrums. Big tantrums.

We call her “the girl with the curl,” because she’s like the girl in the poem:
Once there was a girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Most of the tantrums take place when I’m around, and they were really weighing on me and everyone else. The Little Girl would recover and be fine, but we’d all be left with jangled nerves and short tempers.

We suffered through these tantrums for months.

Then finally I said to myself, “Identify the problem.” What exactly was the problem?

I realized that the tantrums were worst in the morning. The Little Girl was very prone to have big fits as we were trying to get to school, which was particularly unpleasant because it set a bad tone for everyone’s day. Sometimes the Big Girl would practically be in tears.

So I thought, “Identify the problem with the morning.” And then I realized the glaringly obvious fact: the mornings were tough for the Little Girl. She’s not a morning person (strange to say about a two-year-old, but it’s true). And when the Big Girl was her age, our mornings were leisurely. We didn’t need to be at school until 9:00 a.m. We had plenty of time to get up, have breakfast, read some stories, get dressed, and get to school.

But now the Big Girl has to be dropped off by 8:05, and we don’t get up until 6:45, and there are two children to move along instead of just one, so the morning feels rushed.

“I think she just can’t deal with all the hurrying around in the morning,” I told the Big Man. “Let’s try to make it easier for her.”

So we changed our routine. Instead of me doing school drop-off each day, the Big Man and my mother-in-law take turns taking the Big Girl to school.

And it has helped ENORMOUSLY. The tantrums have dropped sharply, and when they happen, they’re much milder. The whole day is better.

Now, I’m perfectly aware that this is Parenting 101. Kids have trouble with transitions. They don’t like rushing. They want to try to do things (like take off their own pajamas) for themselves, even though it takes forever.

But even though I knew all that in one part of my brain, I hadn’t connected it to the reality of our schedule and the consequences for the Little Girl’s behavior. Telling myself to “Identify the problem” helped me identify the solution.

Now, for many people, it would have been impossible to change the morning routine. But it wasn’t hard for me! (My in-laws live right around the corner from us, and I mean right around the corner.) And yet, even though it was perfectly possible, it just hadn’t occurred to me to try to do make this change, until I “identified the problem.”

So look for an area of your life that’s not working. Are you having trouble paying bills on time? Do you never manage to get to the gym? Are you chronically late? Are you stressed during the holidays? Are you having conflicts with your colleagues?

Take the time to pinpoint the actual source of the problem, and you may be astonished at how simple a solution might be.

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Via the Mindless Meandering blog, I found a fabulous site called Grant Robinson's Montage-a-Google. I looooove it. I think that there should be a way to turn these montages into gifts, or cards, or something, but I haven’t quite figured out how to do that yet.

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Comments

[James Glinn]

Long time reader, first time poster.....

Thanks for what you do Gretchen. Just wanted to share with the group what has been a very practical guide to parenting:

http://www.loveandlogic.com/

My wife and I have embraced other strategies as well, but nothing compares in our minds.

When we looked to "Identify our problem" we realized we had no real strategy for raising our 2 lovely girls (now 5 and 6 y/o). Love and logic was a great starting point.

Have a great weekend all!

[HP van Duuren]

Mmmmmm, seems like a real 'left brain' analytical approach.

'If you identify a problem
you focus on a problem,
and not on the situation
you want.'

Although I do realise that a rational analytical and logical approach can be useful, I also do get a little suspicious about an 'Analytical Approach'.

'Also seems to be a
little 'risky' to me...,'

Just as I slightly distrust 'computer people' with their 'systematic thinking' and problem analysing approaches creating a mountain of problems, sometimes solving problems in areas that don't seem to be the real problem, that way creating several new problems. While the real basic problem might be something simple like for example a printer that simply is not plugged in or something like that.

Bringing it back to the focussing on the desired situation again,

It does remind me of the APOLLO 13 movie, where a bunch of brilliant scientists have 'a situation' and are eventually forced to define a specific amount of basic restrictions they have to work with, because of the limited time they had
to figure out a solution.

Whithout somebody first 'painting the big picture' it probably wouldn't have worked to get to a solution.

All the Best,
HP

[karishma]

I only just recently did this myself.

I finally accepted the fact that early morning exercise was just not an option for me.

A combination of a night owl husband, an early riser 6 month old, and a job working 11PM to 7AM mean my sleep schedule is erratic.

Just last week, though, I realized that fighting this reality was futile, and embraced the fact that I stay up past 2am most nights.

This means I can exercise at 11pm on the nights I'm not working, and not keep myself awake any later than I otherwise would be. And the exercise room in our apartment complex is deserted at that late hour, so I don't have any distractions.

I've only been doing this for a week now, but i think it will work.

[PNWGal]

Since reading your blog, I have embraced "Identify the problem". In fact, it is one of my New Year's Resolutions. I have found that it has been a really helpful way of trying to get at what it is that is setting me off or bugging me. Thanks for your insights.

[KCCC]

Sometimes it's such a simple thing, isn't it?

We were having morning problems too. It all seemed to be okay until we were having breakfast, and then suddenly we'd look up and it was time to go, lunch wasn't packed, teeth weren't brushed, etc. We would leave jangled and rushed, with me verbally hurrying everyone along in a less-than-pleasant manner!

I finally plotted out "how much time does all this take?" and realized we really, really needed to get up 15 minutes earlier. That was difference number 1, and it was huge.

Difference number two is that I set a small alarm in our kitchen to go off when we needed to be finishing up breakfast. We can snooze it once for 5 minutes and still make it, but it's a reminder to "get a move on." And THAT took over the nagging role I was quite ready to relinquish!

Mornings are much, much smoother now.

[The Good Human]

Thanks for the push. We have been putting our "decision" about moving to New Mexico on the back-burner - we really need to talk about it today. Thanks!

[Betsbillabong]

Two comments, Gretchen. First of all, love the larger point. And will try to apply it in my own life.

Secondly, as an auntie, I think that sometimes parents forget that grandparents, aunts and uncles, are often thrilled to spend more time with the kids. I bet your mother in law loves taking the Little Girl to school. I know that when I walked my niece and nephew to school last week it was one of the favorite moments of the year so far. (Seriously). So it's really a win-win.

[Jay Clark]

In simplifying my life, I can break down my conditions to being either in LOVE,(unconditional positive regard), or in FEAR.

When confronted by "problems", or challenges to staying in a love space, I search for the root fear, from which all 'negative' emotions arise, and usually find it baseless, thus returning me to a state of LOVE/Happiness/Serenity, etc.

Since feelings can only be experienced in the moment, I then realize I have that choice to experience my happiness right NOW. Thus I NEVER have a "Bad DAY", as I can stop and rechoose how to define my experience the moment I "think" I am having 'badness' enter in to it.

Since I am learning to be happy rather than right, I stop 'predicting' my immediate, future feelings, based upon my current state unless it is the state I prefer, ie. Happiness.

[Lauren]

I just LOVE this site!!
It's so honest.
And this is one of the many posts I can totally relate to. I know what you mean - and where the kids are involved: double guilt points. I really think that one of the most destructive side effects of the pace of our lives is unintentionally "learning" to completely ignore our feelings.

[Shirley]

Great example of your technique at work. I think it's great that your commandments help you discover solutions like this. I've actually been inspired to write my own, but haven't posted them somewhere I can see them every day. That will be my next step.

Thanks for reminding me that it's often hard to see what's right in front of us. Sometimes we have to "look for it." Keep up the great info!