My new strategy for making friends: the “Hey, you’re my long-lost pal from camp!” technique.

Something that has made me very happy lately has been the launch of my internet movie, The Years Are Short (and the movie is short, too – just one minute). Check it out!

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Everyone from contemporary scientists to ancient philosophers to religious leaders agrees: a KEY to happiness is having close relationships with other people.

As Bertrand Russell pointed out, “To like many people spontaneously and without effort is perhaps the greatest of all sources of personal happiness.”

But what if you’re having trouble liking other people? When I meet people, I often feel distracted, wary, or self-absorbed, instead of friendly.

I’ve discovered a trick.

Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. That's why one of my Twelve Commandments (see left-hand column) is to Act the way I want to feel.

As improbable as it may sound, it really works. Try it. If you don’t like the way you’re feeling, act as you’d like to feel—and your feelings will change. It’s uncanny.

So if you want to have warmer relationships with people, act more warmly.

I started a strategy that I call the “You’re my friend from camp!” technique. When I meet someone, I try to imagine that he or she is a long-last pal from summer camp. Even though I don’t really fool myself, it makes my tone and attitude warmer. My smile is sincere, instead of a perfunctory grimace. I honestly feel more friendly.

And not only does this strategy make me feel more friendly to that person, it also makes that person feel more friendly in return.

That’s because we tend to like people who like us.

This just happened to me. There’s a woman I encounter regularly whom I’d describe as an “acquaintance.” When I came back from winter vacation, she was suddenly much friendlier to me. In return, I felt much more friendly towards her – even though nothing had changed.

In a nutshell: by acting friendly, we make ourselves feel more friendly, and as a consequence, others respond in a friendly way. Science backs this up. A study found that when volunteers were asked to treat subjects as if they liked them, these volunteers did indeed end up genuinely liking those people -- and the subjects, too, liked the volunteers better.

When I was in sixth grade, my classroom had a poster that said, “If you want to make a friend, be a friend.” I guess that just because a piece of advice can be found on a Snoopy poster doesn’t mean that it’s not worth trying.

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Comments

[Marje]

Sometimes, though, we do our best and the other side doesn't reciprocate. I've been feeling pretty disappointed in a lot of the people in my business acquaintance circle recently. Frankly, I'm more than a little hurt and this makes me feel disappointed with people in general. I made a decision for my business recently that was a little risky, but brave, and I felt great about it, and it also allowed me to stand up for myself and decent treatment for some others. I've been very positive about this because it has been a positive and proactive thing for me and some others, this is not the case of a grievance or complaint, and I don't talk about it much anyway (too many retellings is too tiring) - but I've found that a group of acquaintances who know and profess to endlessly admire what I was doing before (and who and what I was working with before) have "cut" me socially (cut a la the person no one in Jane Austen's village would speak with after a social scandal). Some of these people I have not even spoke with - they've just sent emails along the lines of "well, I suppose you think you know what you are doing. good luck." Others have been just as verbally dismissive "good luck, you'll need it" and then I get the back turned to me and they walk away (to someone more worthy of their time?).

Thanks a lot folks. I've been positive, I have no complaints, but I stepped out of the line and now I'm apparently unlikable. This makes it hard some days to greet others, at least in parts of my professional circle, like old friends. I've seen what perceived old friends do when you do something that requires a risk, and a change. Guess I'm still smarting from this. I wonder if the reception would have been better if I had failed and begged my acquaintances for their time and consolation? Perhaps that is likable.

[Reena]

I have trouble making friends. I'm shy and I change myself so that they will like me more and doesn't work either.

[AndreaC]

Gretchen, your blog is as uncannily relevant to my life as ever! This same scenario happened to me recently. Someone I had known a long time through my job but never quite figured out if I liked or not, invited me and my partner to visit him and his wife. I found that out of work time I could relax more and really behave like we were friends and it transformed our acquaintance into a friendship. It is a lesson I have learned and will certainly practice in future.

[Kelcey]

A friend forwarded your movie to me. So sweet. And such a good reminder that my time with my kids won't last forever. Even the "errands" of life. Thanks so much.

[Susan]

Gretchen, you often write about the importance of close relationships, but Reena has a good point. Some of us aren't that good at making friends. I am a pretty normal person. I'm married with kids, a good job, and good family relationships. But my whole life, I've only had a few close friends. I do not come off as the sort of person that people want to be best friends with or to confide in. Am I really supposed to feel bad about that? Can't I be happy without having a ton of friends?

[Helen]

Susan, I'm not sure whether you will find this relevant, but when Gretchen writes about 'making friends' and being friendly, I tend to take it more in terms of advocating quality interaction with other people. I can't say I'm on the lookout to make a whole bunch more friends either, but behaving in a manner that tends to make my chance encounters with random people warmer and more friendly does actually increase my happiness and satisfaction with life. (That's just me though - your mileage may vary!)

[Sarah]

I think I wasn't sure of what you meant by "Act the way I want to feel," but this really put it in context and that commandment seem so do-able and effective.

[Gretchen Rubin]

As Helen points out, I think it's good to have friendly relations with people, even if you aren't seeking an intense friendship. It's just nicer to have a warmer feeling.

Susan, that's an interesting point -- how many friends do you WANT to have? Some people want lots, some people want fewer. Surprisingly, though, even introverts are made happier and more energetic by contact with other people; also, when you look at the group of people who is the very happiest, they have five or more close friends (hmmm...I don't know if family members counted for that). We all have different definitions and different expectations -- but research and experience do show that close relationships are a good place to seek happiness, in whatever way works for you.

[Sharon]

Gretchen, I love the video (words, photos, music). I find your blog very thought-provoking. Thank you!

[Magali]

Thoughts provoking post as usual :-)
I was wondering about a friend and the way she is using me to fill gaps in her life when she is not in a relationship. I extended a lot of warmth in her direction before, spent a lot of time listenning, but it seems that it is only only one way.
I don't want to feel like I am used but on the other hand, if I act like she is a good friend, it would be fake, I don't feel close to her.

But the general principle works: I spend a great afternoon last week, feeling happy as a child playing in the snow because I started by acting happy :-)

[Stephanie]

Gretchen,
Your post was spot on for me. I've been trying to reply to everyday greetings with a question about that person and not just the typical "I'm fine, how are you?" It has made a difference.

[Karen]

Your internet movie is beautiful and oh-so-true. I was walking with my son on the way to kindergarten the other day and a woman stopped and rolled down her window. She said I should enjoy this, because she remembered doing the same thing with her son "the other day". And today he is nineteen.

My word for the year is nurture and I'm trying to nurture our relationship everyday. I don't want the days to just pass...I want to make them unique, special, memorable in some little way. Thank you for the reminder that the days are long, but the years are short.

[Heather at Grace303]

This is such a helpful post for me, and I really appreciate your good suggestions.

[andrea from the fishbowl]

I just returned from Jamaica. The people there are really really friendly and outgoing... in a way that seemed truly genuine and always made me feel good.

I realized that interacting with these people made me friendlier, and happier! So I resolved to be this way in my everyday dealings with people, whether it's my family, my neighbors, or the lady at the post office. I greet people with a big smile, and treat each person as if they're special, because you know what? Everyone has a beating heart inside, and everyone likes a friendly face.

It's working.

[Susan]

Gretchen, I love your little movie. My daughter moved out when she was in university and I thought we'd never live together again. When she moved back for 2 years, unexpectedly, I held each day as precious. And it was. Then she got married but we have those times forever.
Susan

[Honey B]

What more can I say? I ditto all of these replies. I'm also an introvert and have a couple of close friends, but not a wide circle. I've had very few romantic relationships. I've struggled for a long time thinking there was something wrong with me. But this post echoes something I just discovered in my own life (although I already understood it in theory), that by putting energy out towards others in a friendly, welcoming way, I attract that type of energy back. This is a great way to do that, too. Research consistently shows that thinking of a mental state can bring you to that mental state, and I love Gretchen's innovative way to get to that "friend" state. I'm going to try it!

[Paul]

Gretchen, I just want to thank you for everything you are sharing with us here.

[Dan]

Gretchen: Love that "friend from camp" thing, very interesting. I'll have to give it a try. Also, your little movie, The Years are Short, is great. You are very insightful..

[eboni]

I too find your blog to be very thought provoking and that's such a wondeful thing. I teach an introductory philosophy course to college kids and I tell them that 95% of my job is getting them to think. Many of the things you have written about are not new but placed in the proper context they mean so much to us who have become accustomed to rhetoric that seems unrelated to our immediate circumstances. I love the rule "act the way I want to feel." I'll pass that on... especially with today's youth it puts them in control of their lives and highlights the importance of them actively taking apart in the lives that they sometimes feel have been handed to them to deal with. I have so many things to comment on...this is a great place to spend time!

[Suddenly Susan]

I loved your short movie and I love the comments here. I ride the bus to/from work every day although I have a perfectly good running car. People ask me why I take the bus & I can only explain it this way. When I go to work, I'm in a sterile, business law atmosphere that generates a lot of paperwork. When I get on the bus to come home, I see people from all walks of life who have different daily struggles and it helps me transition from my work life to my home life. I love those short, quiet interactions with total strangers. Also, I have noticed that I "see" things on the streets that I would miss if I was driving. I want to experience my life today & every moment does count. And ... the people in it, whether it's someone I know or just haven't met yet, count too.

[Chris]

A jazz bassist at a music camp I went to told us a story:
One of his bass mentors had told him what the "law of the universe" was--
positive attracts positive, and negative attracts negative.
He said it all in a silly German accent, but it's not a bad thought.
Also, I think with anything self-help related, the truth is that it's all really complicated, but when you fix one problem, others start to work themselves out, too.

[Lena Hellsten]

Love your blog! it's great, just found it now and I'm reading your posts. what more important than to be happy? I agree with you about the power in acting the way you want to feel. It's a very empowered way of living, you decide how you want to feel and by acting that way you create that reality. Then we naturally get that response since what we give is what we receive. What we put out there is what comes back since all we experience is a reflection of the vibration we're in. So let's choose happiness love and compassion! Keep it up lovely Gretchen :)

[camila]

similar to magali i have been feeling used by a friend that made overtures to spend time with me. she was lonely, as was i, but she is extremely troubled and time with her became a burden. i was so caught up in being nice that i didn't realize i was only hurting myself. being authentically friendly can only be positive, however there are people out there who unwittingly try take advantage of this. our society is all about "me, me, me". i have found that you really grow as a person when you know how to be alone. alone with who you really are and not what you want to project out on to the world.

[Agnostic]

Be then change you want to be....

[Charlene Cheek]

This strategy could work if you only use it on those you find interesting & want to know better--not everyone you meet.
It might also help those who are seriously cold fish & need to warm up their demanor just to appear "normal".
But there's a downside.
The new "friend"--who is basking in the new-found "love"--will now want to spend more time with you, since you "like" her so much--she'll want you to come with her shopping, to her grandson's birthday party, to look at the pics of her trip etc., etc. She'll believe she found a new friend.
When she finds out you don't want to--that you're "just not that into her", her feelings get hurt & then you regret that you led her on & set her up for this.
That's what happened to me.

[sarah]

People will remember how you made them feel and rarely what you said.

[Kim Bentz]

I think of this more along the lines of meaning it when I say, "Have a wonderful day," than any invitation to be my bestest friend forever. It doesn't mean putting out the same greeting you would give to your best friend who has been working out of the country for the past three years--more along the lines of "don't I know you and weren't we friendly at some point in the past?"

I often go into social situations and consciously do what I think my best friend would do were she there. I smile, make eye contact, greet people and am generally friendly, just as I've seen her do over and over again. I've never had this turn into an uncomfortable stalker-friend, just meeting a lot of nice interesting people and having an enjoyable time in a situation where ordinarily I would be dreadfully uncomfortable and sitting alone.

It only feels fake for a couple of minutes and then I truly AM enjoying myself.

[Tonia]

Thank you Gretchen-- love the blog! For me the 3rd commandment could be my only commandment: "Act the way you want to feel"-- so true and EASY!

[twitter.com/angelinnesdo]

All these things we did as children we must reinvent to ourchildren to ourselves and to each other.

[Deb]

I'll have to dig deeper into your blog and such (when I have time). I'd like to think for the most part I am happy, but I have relationships, in particular with my mother, that I am very unhappy about. I liked the "friend from camp" theory. I employ something smilar - I call it the "guy friend". My husband can run into someone he hasn't seen for a while, spend a few minutes chatting, shake their hand, pat them on the back, "Well, it's been good to see you!" and go on his way. He is satisfied with the encounter AND guilt free, whereas I would apologize for not staying in touch, try to make plans to get together, try to make up for lost time and be guilt-ridden that I am not a better friend. Once I started to use my husband's tactic - I felt so much better.

[Endy Daniyanto]

True.

Like today I have this blister that makes it difficult for me to smile, and therefore I get in a bad mood. The correlation is that by not smiling, I end up feeling bad. Which is the reverse of what you say here, Gretchen.

Cheers for the post and the conscious effort to be happy!

[Ravindranath]

A very realistic and practical way to keep ourselves happy!..Meanwhile, i feel that close relationship with other people alone will not do..one has to be in close relationship with all that is around oneself, good or bad, the immediate environment, the whole of nature..the animals, your pet, stray dogs, beggars, the shade giving trees...everything. This can be possible if one could practice to accept the fact he "belongs" to the whole of his immediate and distant environment..and whatever he think, feel and act is going to have its "impact" and "influence" on everything around him..and take the responsibility to himself..and, one can, as the writer says, BE always Happy!..