This Wednesday: Six questions to help you stay serene.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Six questions to help you stay serene. Or, at the very least, to keep from losing your temper in an angry fit.

One of my worst faults is my tendency to “snap” – to react sharply, in a minor but harsh way. This trait clouds my happiness and the happiness of everyone who feels the lash.

The conventional advice for mastering your temper is to “Count to 10” before reacting. My problem is that, in the difficult moment, it never occurs to me to count to ten.

Figuring out ways to control my snappishness is one of my chief goals for the Happiness Project. To try to rein it in, I’ve tried everything from the Week of Extreme Nice to hypnosis.

I also came up with a set of questions that kick into my brain (sometimes) in time to affect my behavior.

If you’re about to lose your temper, ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I at fault? I hate to be criticized or to be in the wrong. Often, I’m angriest when someone is chiding me about something that I am, indeed, guilty of. When I’m about to hit back, I remind myself to accept criticism politely, if grudgingly.

2. Will this solve anything? I often snap when I feel like I’m confronting the same annoyance over and over. Fact is, people often have irritating habits that aren’t going to change. Failure to meet deadlines, failure to return phone calls, untidiness, etc., etc. I try to remember that snapping isn’t going to make any difference, but will only make me feel bad.

3. Am I improving the situation? This is particularly important with my children. If I lose my temper with my children, the problem just escalates to a whole new horrible level. My daughter dissolves into tears and wails, “You talked to me in a mean voice!” It’s far more effective to stay calm. Also, nicer.

4. Should I be helping you? Often, I lose my temper because I’m actually feeling guilty about my own unhelpfulness. My guilt makes me crabby, but it’s really a sign that I should be taking action.

5. Am I uncomfortable? Discomfort shortens my fuse. I’ve become much more careful to dress warmly (even when people make fun of my long underwear and double sweaters), to snack more often, to turn off the light when I’m sleepy, and to take pain medication as soon as I get a headache. The Duke of Wellington advised, “Always make water when you can,” and I follow that precept, too.

6. Can I make a joke of this? Using humor is extraordinarily effective, but I usually can’t find the inner depths to laugh at an annoying situation. A distant goal for which I’m striving.

It’s tempting to dwell on questions like, “Whose fault is it?” or “Why am I upset?” but in the end, these tend to stoke my temper instead of soothe it. I try to remind myself that no behavior is annoying if I don’t find it annoying. A hackneyed observation, but true.

*
A thoughtful reader sent me the link to a very interesting website, We Are What We Do. The idea of the website is that people can bring about big changes by making a series of small changes--"take a first-aid course," "smile and smile back," "have more meals together," "recycle your cell phone" and many others. I couldn't agree more with this approach. Also, there's a way to record and track the changes you want to make, plus you can see what other people are trying to do, so looks very useful to folks doing their own happiness projects.

I was particularly pleased to see someone making the case for organ donation.

*
New to the Happiness Project? Consider subscribing to my RSS feed: Subscribe to this blog's feed. Or sign up to get email updates in the box at the top righthand corner.
If you're starting your own happiness project, please join the Happiness Project Group on Facebook to swap ideas. It's easy; it's free.

Comments

[Maria Helm]

I would add #7: State your feelings. For me, once I say "I'm so mad at you" or "this is so frustrating", the situation loses a little bit of it's bite. Plus, sometimes other people don't know what is bugging you, and they might need to hear it!

[Verona]

I worked very long and hard at not misdirecting anger--you know, getting angry at my boss and then lashing out at the guy who stepped on my foot on the train. Now that I have that under control, there's no way I'm not going to let people know when I'm legitimately angry with them.

[Susan]

Your posts on anger and being light are very helpful. There are so many frustrations here in Algeria that I get terribly snappy, but then I feel bad about being grumpy. The idea about optimism requiring effort was very interesting. It explains why I often feel so weary. All that effort looking for solutions. As ever, your blog is a daily treat!

[Lori]

I feel your pain...I have worked hard on having a cheerier, more positive outlook. Smiling a lot and making the first gesture of niceness really does make the world a better place most days. It's when, despite my best efforts, someone lashes out at me unexpectedly/undeservedly that I tend to lose my cool and snap back. I think sometimes I am so stunned that someone would be so mean or viscious or hateful, that my brain just can't process the input. My circuits short out and then, so does my temper. The only thing that I find will work in moments like those is to clamp my mouth shut and then distract myself completely away from the offensive person. Sometimes I manage to do this, and when I calm down, then I try to address the issue if necessary.
It's not easy though. I am finding that developing a stock response for moments like those is useful (e.g. stop, breath and turn away from the person to address someone else, or to suddenly remember that I have a phone call to make). If you use the same pattern every time, it get's easier to get in the habit of handling tough situations.
Good luck with your efforts!

Lori|BetweenUsGirls.info
Women's issues discussed with wit and wisdom.

[Mike]

This post will sure be helpful. Actually, I had found a site that helps me in my hard times. It is called - http://www.forhardtimes.com

[Valerie]

Learn to love and accept others and believe that the compassion shown to the flaws of others will be mirrored your way when you need it. Daily sessions of affirmations help to control our sometimes snappy reactions.

[Fiona]

Love your tip lists, Gretchen! I have plenty of problems with "staying serene" but my favourite mantra at the moment is: "Ask a question" (of the other person). I'm trying to snap out a question as the very first thing I say (in the heat of anger), rather than a sarcastic or confronting remark. It could be the most trivial issue, or a serious one, but it is amazing how this defuses the situation and gets the other person talking.

[Sarah]

Excellent timing. I was just discussing controlling reactions with my husband last night. It all happens so fast that it is hard to be in control but the plan I came up with is exactly this. Ask myself these questions. #4 is a big one for me.

[dgm]

Another struggle: avoiding sarcasm when angry. I can seemingly calm myself easily enough, but I really have to refrain from using sarcasm to respond, especially with my kids.

Humor deflates things wonderfully.

[Josh]

My wife and I have two rules for when we get angry with one another. Don't raise your voice much above a whisper and no sarcasm.

As far as snapping at people, I don't. I don't know how I do it although I understand your description of how it happens. Maybe it comes with being an introvert but I usually just keep my mouth shut. I realize I can't think very good on my toes and lose the majority of vocal arguments. I also have a natural affinity to avoid all conflict. Probably unteachable but your post raised some good questions for myself, thanks.
-Josh

[Skip]

Don't forget "There but for the grace of god go I."

[Vincent Duckworth]

I love this post. I have found a very effective method to defuse momentary anger is to make the following statement in your mind, "I am grateful for..." This little phrase always stops me in my tracks and gives me just enough intellectual pause to be much less snappish. Kudos to my Life Coach who suggested the tactic and the concept.

[Ruth]

My son is due to marry in early April.
He gave me 10 guests to invite. As the wedding is to be held in a different state to the one in which I live I decided not to invite any friends from here in the HOPE that no one would have cause to be angry.
Well , was I wrong!
Boxing gloves appeared from the corners of mouthes! The friends that I thought would understand behaved like street cats.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I will go into the lion's den with my so called friends serene! Thank you so much for the affirmations...Sometimes in life you seem to just buckle under the weight of trivia, and try as you may you do require a helping hand to rise.
Today you helped me..Ruth

[Diane Forest-Hill]

Hi Gretchen

I'm commenting on this post MONTHS after you posted it because it's one of the ones that I've found most interesting and helpful.

There are a couple of other things you might find interesting that I use when I can feel my blood starting to simmer. They derive from NLP and life-coaching techniques (they're my interest not my job, I hasten to add).

1. I can choose how I deal with this situation.

2. I am 100% responsible for the communication I have with others. I am 100% responsible for what I say and 100% responsible for how I respond.

I've found this works with people, situations and vacuum-cleaners.

I have mentioned your six questions on my blog, credited of course to you with a link.

Kind regards

Diane