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My Twelve Commandments

  • 1. Be Gretchen.
  • 2. Let it go.
  • 3. Act as I would feel.
  • 4. Do it now.
  • 5. Be polite and be fair.
  • 6. Enjoy the process.
  • 7. Spend out.
  • 8. Identify the problem.
  • 9. Lighten up.
  • 10. Do what ought to be done.
  • 11. No calculation.
  • 12. There is only love.

If you'd like a copy of my resolutions chart

  • Just drop me an email. The first part is grubin (then that familiar symbol). The second part is gretchenrubin (then a period, then a com). Sorry to be convoluted--because of spam.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.

Secrets of Adulthood.

  • By doing a little bit each day, you can get a lot accomplished.
  • People don’t notice your mistakes and flaws as much as you think.
  • It's nice to have plenty of money.
  • Most decisions don't require extensive research.
  • Try not to let yourself get too hungry.
  • Even if you think they are fake holidays, it's nice to celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day.
  • If you can't find something, clean up.
  • The days are long, but the years are short.
  • Someplace, keep an empty shelf.
  • Turning the computer on and off a few times often fixes a glitch.
  • It's okay to ask for help.
  • You can choose what you do; you can't choose what you LIKE to do.
  • Happiness doesn't always make you feel happy.
  • What you do EVERY DAY matters more than what you do ONCE IN A WHILE.
  • You don't have to be good at everything.
  • Soap and water removes most stains.
  • It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.
  • You know as much as most people.
  • Over-the-counter medicines are very effective.
  • Eat better, eat less, exercise more.
  • What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa.
  • People actually prefer that you buy wedding gifts off their registry.
  • Houseplants and photo albums are a lot of trouble.
  • If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough.
  • No deposit, no return.

Month-by-month goals for the Happiness Project.

  • December: The way of perfection.
  • November: Take the extra step.
  • October: Try hypnosis.
  • September: Write a novel.
  • August: Contemplate the heavens.
  • July: Buy a white t-shirt; throw away a white t-shirt.
  • June: Eat a peach.
  • May: Laugh out loud.
  • April: Remember birthdays.
  • March: Start a blog.
  • February: Sing in the morning.
  • January: Clear my closets.

My areas of focus for the Happiness Project

  • 1. Order
  • 2. Marriage and Family
  • 3. Work and Leisure
  • 4. Friends
  • 5. Conduct of Life--Exterior
    (loving-kindness, the duty to be happy, etc.)
  • 6. Conduct of Life--Interior
    (accept myself, live in the moment, etc.)

Happiness theories I reject.

  • Vauvenargues: “There are men who are happy without knowing it.”
  • Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
  • Sartre: "Hell is other people."
  • Willa Cather: “One cannot divine nor forecast the conditions that will make happiness; one only stumbles upon them…”
  • Alexander Smith: “We are never happy; we can only remember that we were so once.”
  • John Stuart Mill: “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so.”
  • G.K. Chesterton: “Happiness is a mystery, like religion, and should never be rationalised.”
  • Solon: “Let no man be called happy before his death. Till then, he is not happy, only lucky.”

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« In which I learn the meaning of the terms "extraversion" and "neuroticism." They're handy concepts. | Main | Am I really so shallow? »

This Wednesday: 17 tips for conquering stage fright.

StagefrightEvery Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 17 tips for conquering stage fright

One of the most common fears is stage fright. I was so nervous before giving my school report on coral in fifth grade that I remember it vividly, to this day.

I still get nervous before speaking in public, but not nearly as much. I’ve made a list of tips that have helped me get more comfortable with the process.

Unfortunately, the most effective tip is the one that people with stage fright will least to want to follow: do more public speaking! It truly does get easier with practice.

One interesting thing I’ve noticed is that people feel stage fright in different situations. One friend of mine feels perfectly comfortable speaking to 500 people, but dreads speaking to twenty. I love speaking to twenty, but the bigger the group, the more intimidated I feel. One friend of mine quails at the thought of TV, another friend thinks that TV is much easier than talking to a live audience.

Here are seventeen tips for overcoming stagefright (and I needed every one of them):

Preparation
-- Prepare. I don’t write out a talk word-for-word, but I use a lot of notes, and I practice it word for word, many times. That works for me. Some people do better with a more ad-lib approach. But either way, the more prepared you feel, the more relaxed you’ll feel.

-- Mental practice. It sounds odd, but mentally rehearsing and imagining yourelf giving a relaxed, accomplished performance really does help prepare you. In order to make that mental rehearsal as close to the real situation as possible…

-- Try to visit the scene. Checking out the room where you’ll be presenting will make you feel far more comfortable. Pay special attention to amplification devices: will you be wired up? use a stationary mike attached to a podium? Hold a wireless mike?

Earlier that day:
-- Don’t do anything unusual. Don’t take a nap if you don’t usually take a nap. Don’t skip a meal; because of nerves, you might not feel hungry, but you need the energy. Don’t get a facial—I remember a friend of mine got a facial the day of her wedding, because she thought it would give her a lovely glow. Instead, it make her skin red and blotchy.

-- Exercise. Exercise helps make you feel relaxed, energized, and focused. It’s a good outlet for feelings of stress and jitteriness. Also, if you’re really nervous, you probably won’t be able to concentrate on anything very well, so exercise is a good way to occupy your waiting time.

-- Check your notes and equipment -- make sure you’ve brought every page of the right set! I number each page of my notes and check to make sure they’re all there. I once went to see a friend moderate a panel. She took out her notes and said, “Oh dear, I picked up the wrong set of papers.” She was able to wing it beautifully, but I NEED my notes. Along the same lines, if you're doing any A/V fanciness, make sure you have what you need so that it works properly!

What to wear:
-- You’ll probably perspire much more than usual, so dress appropriately.

-- If you don’t know about the sound system, or if you know you’ll be wearing a mike, be sure to wear a jacket or shirt or something on to which a mike can be clipped. A turtleneck sweater won’t work well.

-- For women: wear low heels or flats. One symptom is stage fright is wobbly knees, and wearing high heels amplifies that feeling to the point that I feel like I’m going to topple right over.

Just before:
-- Act the way you want to feel. This is my Third Commandment, and it really works. ACT deliberately calm, lighthearted, and enthusiastic. This will help make you feel this way. In particular…

-- Focus on raising your energy level. It’s more interesting to listen to a person with more energy, and yet many of us lower our energy level when we’re nervous. So make an effort to pump yourself up.

-- Lower your shoulders and your eyebrows. When you’re feeling stressed, these tend to rise, which makes you look and feel tense.

-- Take deep breaths.

-- Stretch your arms above your head and swing them around. This will help you feel loose and relaxed.

Delivery
-- Take your time at the beginning. My tendency is to rush through the preliminaries to get started. I’ve found, though, that I feel and seem more relaxed when I take a moment to get settled. As an audience member, it never bothers me when a speaker adjusts the mike, organizes papers, takes a drink of water, or whatever. Again, act the way you want to feel: relaxed.

-- If you’re standing, remember to keep your weight balanced on both feet. Otherwise, it’s easy to start rocking from one foot to another, which is very distracting both for you and the audience.

-- If you’re sitting, don’t lean back in your chair. This drains your energy and immobilizes you. Sit near the edge of the chair (but not so near that you might teeter off). If you cross your legs, cross them so that the knee farther from the audience is on top. This orients your body toward the audience.

Remember, even if you screw up, it’s not a catastrophe. As I learned when writing Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, early in his career, Winston Churchill was humiliated when he blanked out during a speech, and from that point on, he wrote his speeches out word for word, right down to notes to himself like “Pause; grope for word” “Stammer; correct self” that were meant to give the impression that he was extemporizing. And he managed to have a pretty decent career, nevertheless.

*
Leo Babatua of the fabulous blog Zen Habits has done an e-book featuring his most invaluable insights. Check it out, The Zen Habits Handbook for Life.

*
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Comments

Excellent tips.

Have you tried the tip to imagine the audience differently eg bald or without clothes (depending on how uninhibited you feel). It helps me feel lighter.

Great tips! I've come to love giving presentations, but only when I know what I'm talking about and have prepared like crazy. I don't think well on my feet, so I absolutely have to know what I want to say and how I want to say it. Otherwise it's a mess.

Regarding energy: yes yes yes. If you don't speak with energy and enthusiasm, your audience /won't care/ what you're trying to say.

These are really good tips.

I would also add, when you are about to begin your talk, breathe deeply and then smile at your audience. This is my "act the way you want to feel" moment where I tell myself that I am happy to be there talking to people about my work. It really helps to calm me down, it stops me from speaking too quickly at the begining of my talk and it really does make me feel happy to be there.


Evan's suggestion (#1) makes me nervous that I'd word slip and say "Recently, in the nude" instead of "Recently, in the news" or something silly like that!

For me, "acting as you would feel" means remembering the goal. In presenting my work, I want the audience to know about it. Giving the talk helps meet that goal. Therefore, I'm glad to have the chance to share it - and glad the audience is there to hear it. Remembering that helps me act as I would feel - and not focus on nervousness.

Evan's suggestion (#1) makes me nervous that I'd word slip and say "Recently, in the nude" instead of "Recently, in the news" or something silly like that!

For me, "acting as you would feel" means remembering the goal. In a presentation of my work, I want the audience to know the conclusions. Giving the talk helps meet that goal. I'm glad to have the chance to share it - and glad the audience is there to hear it. Remembering that helps me act as I would feel.

"-- If you’re standing, remember to keep your weight balanced on both feet."

Along with that, I remember when I was in choir, my director always told us to be very careful not to lock our knees. People do it when they get nervous, and if you do it too long at one time, you are much more likely to faint than if you were standing with your knees more relaxed.

I was also going to give the not locking your knees tip. When I was in the ROTC we were told repeatedly not to lock our knees while standing in formation lest we faint.

That tidbit about Churchill was fascinating. I think I'll have to buy your book about him while I wait for the Happiness Project to come out.

These tips are so timely! I'm preparing a 30 minute presentation for a large audience (600) and appreciate your suggestions. I am going to check out the auditorium immediately and begin imagining myself in the right context.

I love talking to groups - the bigger the better. My favourite, though, is the live TV interview.

As for the unusual sometimes it does work to have the world go completely upsidedown before you do public speaking. The night before what I consider my best TV segment, I went through a break up of a two year relationship. I thought I was going to be a mess, but I shone! I used the energy of anger and sadness to push the energy level of my interview up several notches.

I wouldn't recommend it to everyone as a way to improve public speaking, but in this case it worked!

Cheers,
Alex

These are great additions. In fact, I think even the idea of having a checklist is probably calming -- again, the more you feel yourself to be prepared, ready for action, and enthusiastic, the better you'll do.

VERY IMPORTANT about thinking about the goal!!!! I forgot one of my favorite presentation tips: if I'm bored with any material as I'm practicing, I cut it out if at all possible (I also do this with my writing).

It's hard to be interesting to others if I'm boring myself. The more excited I am by my material, the more fun I have and the more engaged with the audience.

What about this idea-thinking that our audience are a bunch of fools!:)...does really work always???

One thing I started doing in high school, when I did competitive public speaking, goes against the "Earlier that day:-- Don’t do anything unusual."
I found a way to pamper myself in small ways to just feel wonderful in my skin and paid special attention to my overall appearance. I knew I looked good so it was easier to feel good. It helped me "Act the way you want to feel." Confident!

I like the tip about exercising beforehand! I had never thought about it before, but I am, indeed, much more apt to prattle on with strangers after getting all fired up at my Wednesday night hoop class. I can see how the endorphins and general good feelings would be able to carry you through a normally terror-inducing task.

@beth: Oh god, that no-locking-the-knees thing is so true. Back in high school choir, I went down. Hard. The choir director mistook the sound of my head hitting the stage for the sound of risers falling. Ever since then, she always made a point of having us do some knee-bending during both rehearsals and performances.

@travelinoma: Also so true! (though you wouldn't think it) I remember going to a job interview the day after leaving another job due to an extreme panic attack. I was distraught and anxious and definitely not feeling self-confident.

But somehow, when I went into that interview, I channeled...something...and totally rocked it! They offered me the job two days later! (and my husband was able to breathe a huge sigh of relief)

...aaand I tagged the wrong people. I meant to address Genevieve and Alex.

I recently had to give a talk before a large group of people (450+). The best advice that someone gave me beforehand was this - remember that the audience wants you to succeed!

Here's a really scary tip: try stage acting or improv classes. If you think giving a presentation is frightening, imagine how scary it is to be in a play with lots of lines to remember!

By succeeding at acting, you'll never be afraid of "just talking" again.

My eighth grade teacher told us all to pretend the people are heads of cabbages. I never quite got that one as making much sense, but to this day (40 years later) I still say that line to myself before I speak. And I laugh. That alone calms me down.
The "act the way you want to feel" tip is great. It really works. I act very non-chalant,as if it's no big deal,while inside my kishkes (guts) are doing somersaults.

I also find, at least for me, that going over my presentation too much creates more anxiety. So I prepare in general, go over it two or three times; and the actual speech becomes what I've incorporated from my rehearsing and what spontaneously comes out from my inherent knowlege of the material. The spontaneity is what brings out personality and enthusiasm.

These are great tips! I personally liked "For women: wear low heels or flats. One symptom is stage fright is wobbly knees, and wearing high heels amplifies that feeling to the point that I feel like I’m going to topple right over."

I remember when I auditioned to be a member of our darama club way back in college, I was wearing flats, but the director made me wear high heels during the whole audition, I was so humiliated tripping over in front of the whole campus. The good thing is, I was able to use it to my advantage by cracking up a joke and acting as if it was a part of my piece.

Stage fright is indeed difficult to overcome but given the right techniques, it sure can be defeated. More tips and articles about stagefright at: http://stagefrighthelp.com/articles.php

I also experienced this kind of fear and even that so many times i experienced talking to a bunch of people there would always be this fear..thanks for sharing this tip this will help a lot. I also want to share some thought regarding this:

Positive affirmations can lift your spirits and lessen the effects of stage fright, sometimes even allowing you to completely overcome it.

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My earth-shattering happiness formula.

  • To be happier, you need to think about FEELING GOOD, FEELING BAD, and FEELING RIGHT, in an atmosphere of growth. Clunky, but it works.

My second ground-breaking insight into happiness.

  • One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

LifeRemix

  • LifeRemix

What started me thinking.

  • "Whoever is happy will make others happy, too." Mark Twain.
  • “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
  • "Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her." Luke 10:41-42
  • “Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.” Simone Weil
  • “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” Colette
  • “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” G. K. Chesterton
  • “A man’s first care should be to avoid the reproaches of his own heart.” Joseph Addison
  • “For the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.” St. Therese
  • “Best is good. Better is best.” Lisa Grunwald
  • “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” Samuel Johnson
  • “I must do the work that I am best suited for…” Edward Weston daybook
  • “Order is Heaven’s first law.” Alexander Pope
  • “How slight and insignificant is the thing which casts down or restores a mind greedy for praise.” Horace

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