Life isn't fair, or, why people who are irritable get more irritable, and people who are cheery get more cheery.

I love finding a precise term for things I’ve observed in the word. It’s so satisfying to discover concepts like Schadenfreude, or “acting in reliance,” or wabi-sabi. One of my favorite parts of writing my book Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide was making up new terms: platinum rule, eye stray, object lust, ubiniquity.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend about a mutual acquaintance – call her X. In flagrant violation of my resolution of “No gossip,” I observed, “X is one of the top two unfriendliest people I’ve met in my adult life.”

My friend is a friend of X, and she said, “I know. I like her, but a lot of people don’t. We’ve been in social situations together, and I’ll see other friends behave toward her in a way that I’ve never seen them act before, very hostile and defensive. She’s always nice to me, but I know she must be different with other people, if they react to her like that.”

Well, it turns out there’s a very handy term for this phenomenon. It’s “situation evocation.”

In situation evocation, we spark a response from people that reinforces a tendency we already have—for example, if I act irritable all the time, the people around me are probably going to treat me with less patience and helpfulness, which will, in turn, stoke my irritability.

On the other hand, if I can manage to do more joking around, I’d evoke a situation in which the people around me were more likely to joke around, too.

X is remarkably unfriendly. Her actions shape the way that people respond to her – and they respond to her, I bet, in ways that exacerbate her unfriendliness.

This is a good example of how life isn’t fair. People with a propensity to good cheer will find themselves in a friendly, cheerful environment, while people who are already angry or crabby will find themselves surrounded by uncooperative, suspicious people.

Goethe wrote: “I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather.”

Situation evocation explains one way in which we make our own weather. So, in the words of a Snoopy poster, “Let a smile be your umbrella.”

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Two friends of mine, Nancy Schulman and Ellen Birnbaum, have written an outstanding book, Practical Wisdom for Parents: Demystifying the Preschool Years. Their book is a fantastic resource for anyone who has preschool-age children -- I especially love their book because I played a tiny role in its creation. Nancy and Ellen have just launched a website, which has lots of great information for anyone who wants to know about child development at that stage.

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Comments

[Kelli]

Gretchen, I couldn't find your friends' new website. The link just led back to a previous blog post. It's wonderful that you have such mutually encouraging friendships. Something to be happy about for sure.

[Dee]

This was something I really needed to hear today. I've been working on being happier lately with all of your suggestions. Today was an unpleasant day at work, and now I know that I can shape behavior by how I act. Thank you!

[Gretchen Rubin]

Whooops! Sorry, I must have pasted in the same URL.

Their site is: http://practicalwisdomforparents.com/

I'll fix it now. Thanks!

[Jecca]

Yep. Or as my mother said, quoting her mother: "The world is a mirror."

[Marcia]

http://abcnews.go.com/2020/Story?id=123782&page=2

The 92nd Street Y is not like most Y's. It costs as much as $14,000 a year for nursery school and as many 3-year-olds arrive in chauffeured Lincolns and Mercedes as they do in strollers.

Sorry that is a little hard to relate to.

[Oh yes there is more]

http://nymag.com/nymetro/urban/education/features/n_8065/

[Evan]

I think this can be a life changing insight.

Thanks Gretchen.

[Mandy]

'What is within surrounds us' - that one comes from Rainer Maria Rilke (not sure of spelling). So true and thought-provoking. I'm so glad I stumbled onto your website, Gretchen - thank you.

[Kathy]

Wow how true this is! Sometimes it takes a while to understand that we attract into our lives all of our experiences! I keep a reminder near by-"Be the energy you wish to attract" Thanks Gretchen!

[The Healthy Librarian]

This is a brilliant observation! Did you actually coin the term "situation evocation"? It took me a long time to notice how I can be cold and aloof to unfriendly "negative vibe" people, and that only perpetuates the situation. I've experimented with going out of my way to greet them in a friendly open way and the results are amazing. It really helps create positive feelings for both parties. It's empowering to know that you can change how you react to someone, and that it has a ripple effect. Most people can't help but respond in a positive way to genuine friendliness. When it doesn't work, I just back off.

[The Healthy Librarian]

This is a brilliant observation! Did you actually coin the term "situation evocation"? It took me a long time to notice how I can be cold and aloof to unfriendly "negative vibe" people, and that only perpetuates the situation. I've experimented with going out of my way to greet them in a friendly open way and the results are amazing. It really helps create positive feelings for both parties. It's empowering to know that you can change how you react to someone, and that it has a ripple effect. Most people can't help but respond in a positive way to genuine friendliness. When it doesn't work, I just back off.

[Clara]

It's sort of like that saying, 'You have to fake it to make it." If you pretend to be happy eventually you will be.

[Anony Mouse]

What an insightful post, Gretchen. You are my favorite blogger, and your words over the past year have made a very positive impact in my life. Thank you for sharing yourself in this way; your blog is a gift.

[KCCC]

I like the phrase - thanks.

My husband once said "as people get older, the get more like themselves."

I've found that comment really thought-provoking... what do I want "like myself" to be? I create that future self through minute choices made every day...

[Johan]

Good blog, intersting terms, but don't you think it would be more beneficial to target the non-temporal instead of something like happiness which changes with circumstance. Wouldn't it be more beneficial to name it the Joy-Project since true joy is something that remains regardless of situation and circumstance. But I'm afraid we might have to look into the word of God to be able to build a foundation for this "Joy-Project". I enjoyed your blog though.