Surprise! Surprise parties don’t always make people feel happy.

I was talking with some friends the other night, and we got in a very interesting conversation about the fall-out from various surprise parties. Turns out that surprise parties are more perilous than I’d thought.

One friend threw a lavish party for her husband. “He loved it, but for months after,” she recalled, “he was very suspicious. He kept asking me what I was doing, whom I was calling. I think it truly unnerved him to realize that I could organize something that big without him knowing. What else was I up to?”

“I went to a party where the wife was absolutely flabbergasted that her husband could pull off the surprise party,” observed another friend. “It really shook her concept of her marriage. She thought of herself as the organized, logistically-minded one who had to take care of everyone. But it turned out her husband could do that stuff, too. So maybe she wasn’t so essential.”

“Yes,” added someone else, who had been at the same party, “plus I think she was a bit annoyed to find out that he COULD do that kind of thing. After all, for all these years, she’d been doing all the organizational work because she was convinced that he just didn’t have the capacity. But it turns out, he did.”

“Another problem is the resentment,” a friend chimed in. “When I was planning the surprise party for my boyfriend, I kept thinking, ‘He’d really better appreciate this!’ He did appreciate it, but still, I don’t think he realizes just how much work it was. I still feel a bit annoyed about it, actually.”

After talking about it, we concluded that surprise parties work best when children throw them for parents.

I have some experience with that. A few years ago, my mother, sister, and I threw a surprise party for my father’s birthday. Thinking back on that party — choosing the invitations with my mother, planning the toasts with my sister, conspiring my in-laws about what time they should bring my father over to our apartment from their apartment (my in-laws live right around the corner from us) for the reveal, and most of all, seeing the look on my father’s face when he realized that the party was for him — made that surprise party one of the highlights of my life.

But, this conversation showed, surprise parties aren’t always the unmitigated delight that I would have thought. Hmmmm.

What do you think? Any experiences with surprise parties, good or bad?

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Two very useful personal finance blogs that I enjoy reading are The Simple Dollar and Get Rich Slowly. There's a lot of great content on both of them -- not just about saving and investing, but generally about how to live more wisely. They're both very entertaining, too.

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Comments

[JenChicken]

Surprise parties - heck no!

My dear sister and best friend threw me a surprise party for my birthday in 2001. It just so happened the party fell 3 days after my birthday and five days after I was laid off from my job. The way things panned out, I planned my own birthday outing on my birthday proper - and no one showed up. They were all planning on attending the surprise party days later, but I didn't know that at the time. I spent my birthday night and all the days after until the party in various states of hysteria and misery over the lack of job and lack of friends. Even though the surprise party was fun enough, I still look back on those few days as the lowest of my life.

I'll never through a surprise party for anyone.

[JenChicken]

Or even throw! Heh.

[sizzle]

Personally, I love planning surprises for people and love when they do it for me.

[Tootie]

I agree - surprise parties seem to work out well when they're for a parent. I surprised my mom (not with a party) but a surprise visit, since I live out of town. My dad was in on it, and it all worked out great. She loved it.

By the way, I read Get Rich Slowly, too. Great blog for financial info and more!

[Steph]

My mom and friends threw me a surprise 16th birthday party (about seven years ago). I had an OK time, but had been looking forward to the quiet party with a few friends I thought I had planned. Plus, my friends had invited pretty much the whole grade (400 kids) and about 30 people showed up. Ouch. Surprise parties are best for popular people, not shy types like myself.

I agree with Tootie - surprise visits are the best. I surprised my best friend, who lives thousands of miles away, with a visit on her 16th birthday (it was her dad's idea) and we had a blast!

[Alicia]

I hate surprise parties for myself because a huge part of enjoyment/happiness for me is anticipating something like a big ol' party. Deciding what to wear, getting my hair done, etc. I enjoy the anticipation as much as the party itself. Unfortunately, my best friend loves nothing more than a good surprise party. She and my husband threw me one for my 30th (luckily I could tell something fishy was going on, so I put on makeup to go to the gym, which is where he was taking me so the party could be set up in our home). It was really wonderful to see friends and family, but I felt somewhat cheated. So, when I was pregnant and feeling anxious/hormonal and nesting a ton, I told them both that I really didn't want to be rude, but that if we were going to have a baby shower, I'd like to know. Fortunately, they listened to me and I loved my baby shower and everything that led up to it.

[Grateful Guy]

I *hate* parties enough when I can prepare for them. When I was about 15, I threatened my parents that if they ever threw a surprise party for me I'd walk out. And I would have done, if they ever did. Someone forcing me to behave in a way I don't want to rarely works out.

[Jess]

I really enjoy suprising my partner but I am also terrible at keeping secrets from him. So we have a deal, I tell him that I am organising a suprise of some kind (no details) and he doesn't ask any questions. That way I can organise the suprise without the stress of keeping a secret from him. Also it takes the stress out of the "suprise" for him, because he knows that something will be happening on a certain day - he just doesn't know what.

[Mrs. Micah]

I know Micah wouldn't like one at all. But then he's not a party type. If there's going to be a party, he needs to have some time to adjust to the idea and prepare himself. His brain would freak out otherwise.

But as you say, children for parents can be good. For example, my sister and I managed to plan one for our parents' 20th wedding anniversary. It was particularly cool because we were 16 and 14 and still pulled it off.

Helps that my mom is delightfully naive (though sharp as a whip about linguistics and math). We got the help of some of their adult friends to hide and bring the snacks, some friends to take them out to lunch before the party, and I ran all the errands on my way home from work (the only time I had the car).

[Not_a_princess]

My friends and husband worked hard to throw a lovely surprise party for my 50th birthday. I was really tired because of my work schedule, not in a good place hormonally, and generally feeling stressed and rather detached from my life. I was also stung by a wasp shortly after I arrived, and the throbbing in my leg didn't add much to the occasion! I tried my best to "act the part" and fully appreciate all the preparations and those that came to help celebrate the occasion, but the center of attention role doesn't come easily to me and it just wasn't the terrific experience it was intended to be. I manage a small department, and all three staff people were invited. It was uncomfortable trying to mix my work persona with my usual friends state of mind. I hope I'm as authentic as possible at work, but still, it made it harder to just relax and enjoy. I felt like I had to make sure my staff people didn't feel out of place since they didn't know most of the rest of the guests so I ended up spending more time with them where I would rather have spent more with my friends. I would have preferred the quiet dinner with a few friends I was expecting, and I ended up feeling guilty that I didn't properly appreciate all the effort that went into putting the party together.

[Michelle Potter]

My husband has never thrown a surprise *party* but he has planned various surprises for me over the years. The problem (or good part!) is that he is terrible at it, and I always know that something is coming. I always stay quiet and try not to get excited in case I'm wrong, but he hasn't disappointed me yet!

[molly]

i tried to surprise my partner on his last birthday. he figured it out and i got mad at him for not letting me surprise him. then he got mad at me for being mean to him on his birthday. ...i guess that it makes sense we are broken up now! he, on the other hand, is amazing at planning surprises and never failed. i do have to say, however, that i intentionally did not try to guess if he was going to surprise me, so that it would be more fun for both of us. what do you think? is it ok to guess that you're going to be surprised? i think it's rude, he thought that was ridiculous cos you should be able to do whatever you want on your birthday.

[Healthy Librarian]

My friend planned a surprise 60th b-day party for her husband this past Feb. on the Chinese New Year. Invitations went out, she bought great Chinese decorations & had planned a Year of the Rat dinner. Hubby was judging state swimming finals & would arrive home at 6:00pm. to the birthday surprise. Oops, the meet times were changed days before the party & he wasn't going to be home til late that night. Fortunately she found out in enough time to cancel, but that party never happened. Beware the Year of the Rat!

Best surprise party: My friend's husband invited 4 couples to show up on a Tuesday night at a tiny Thai restaurant where he was taking her out for her birthday. She was completely surprised to find us all at the restaurant waiting to celebrate. It was small, intimate, easy and she never had a clue.

[Healthy Librarian]

My friend planned a surprise 60th b-day party for her husband this past Feb. on the Chinese New Year. Invitations went out, she bought great Chinese decorations & had planned a Year of the Rat dinner. Hubby was judging state swimming finals & would arrive home at 6:00pm. to the birthday surprise. Oops, the meet times were changed days before the party & he wasn't going to be home til late that night. Fortunately she found out in enough time to cancel, but that party never happened. Beware the Year of the Rat!

Best surprise party: My friend's husband invited 4 couples to show up on a Tuesday night at a tiny Thai restaurant where he was taking her out for her birthday. She was completely surprised to find us all at the restaurant waiting to celebrate. It was small, intimate, easy and she never had a clue.

[Merry]

I hate surprise parties. They always seem like a lot of fun for the person /planning/ them, but not so much for the recipient.
But then, I'm biased. On my 21st birthday my mother threw me a surprise party. I found this depressing on two counts: a) I had begged her, /begged/ her, not to throw any party for me, and b) my father had just passed away three weeks before, so it really wasn't a celebratory time anyway. I think she got some pleasure out of feeling that she was Doing Her Duty and Being a Good Mother.
I think it helps to take into account the person for whom the party is being held!

[Gretchen Rubin]

Zoikes, it looks like suprise parties ARE more complicated than you might think! They are something that sounds like fun -- but as these comments show, not always.

My mother, sister and I had so much fun surprising my father, and he was a good surprisee, but I know that the LAST thing my mother would want would be a surprise party. Which is lucky, because I could never pull one off without her help!

[Sassy]

Twenty odd years ago, my then fiance promised me that if I ever threw a surprise party for him, he would leave my life forever. So, no surprise parties for him, EVER! I did arrange a surprise vacation for him one time and he liked it, but later pointed out that I had spent months in happy anticipation and that the anticipation is part of the fun and he missed that. On the other hand, he threw a surprise party for me for a milestone birthday which I loved, but which made him a nervous wreck (traffic made us very, very late). So you need to know the surprisee well to make it work.

[chris]

I organised a surprise anniversary party for my parents on their 45th. Just a few relatives, no big deal. They loved it and it turned out that my dad did not live long enough to celebrate the 50th. So I am still glad I took the effort.

[Niel]

My friends once threw me a surprise going-away party. It was good to see them all again, and we had a good party. But was a physical shock and the shock triggered a stomach bug, so that in the last week of preparation for my Antarctic expedition I had to deal with an upset stomach.

[Alex Fayle]

A friend threw a surprise party for me once when I started my business. I loved it! But then again I'm a centre-of-attention type and a surprise party is all about me!

I've never thrown one for someone else for two reasons:
1) Most of my friends (including former partners and the current one) are a bit on the control-freak side so would be horrified to show up to something without any prior knowledge.
2) I'm horrible at keeping secrets and I spill the beans in my excitement.

Cheers,
Alex

[Kathleen]

I threw a big surprise party when my mother finished chemo the second time. It all came to me one night as I was drifting off to sleep-- where to have it, what to do, how to decorate-- as if it were a divine plan being handed to me. I got ahold of her greeting card file and invited everyone who had sent a card or brought a meal, held it at the Cancer Resource Center where we attended support groups, and asked people to bring the dessert. I didn't even tell my father! It was a huge surprise and was a real blessing to her. She felt celebrated and that the end of chemo was a milestone to be recognized.

[CA]

I hate them, too. It makes me feel like an idiot somehow, like I am being patronized. Also, I know this sounds really vain, but I usually don't go out without trying to look nice. This habit was reinforced when my friends through me a surprise birthday party our last year of college during finals, and I just thought I was going next door to have a beer with good friends after studying all day. My hair was wet from my shower, I had no makeup on, and I had just thrown on sweatpants. There were a lot of people there whom I was horrified to have see me like that, and the pictures of me all look terrible! Looking back, however, I do appreciate my friends' efforts, especially during finals!

[Melissa]

It seems that one of the problems with surprise parties is that the guest of honor becomes removed from the whole party and it is easy for the planners to lose sight of what the receipient really likes, wants, or would appreciate.

I really didn't appreciate being tricked into getting to my surprise wedding shower and then being given an outfit to wear that is not something I EVER would have bought. All the pictures of me on that day I am wearing a ridiculous hat and a pink & brown silk pants suit thing- barefoot because I wore sneakers that day. However, it seems to have meant the world to my grandmother, mother and aunts- so win some lose some, right?

[sylrayj]

Sometimes, too much of a good thing is too much.

My son has transition issues, and if I think about it, I do too. If my day doesn't flow more or less as I had thought it would, I feel abruptly disconnected and it takes a while to regain my footing. And even too much happy can leave us unsettled, if not downright charged up out of control. That's why we do the 12 days of Christmas - spread it out into chunks we can handle.

So, for us, a surprise party would be too much feeling for all the people there, for the unexpected time spent at the party, for any gifts and decorations and activities... overwhelming, and leaving us adrift for at least a day if not more.

Now, an unexpected gift, or an unexpected visitor (particularly if the surprise element were delivered by phone or something, an hour or so before the arrival), or a detour to get a meal out, or even knowing that some friends are getting together but not knowing exactly where - those are amounts of unfamiliarity that could be good, without being overwhelming. :)

[Jennifer]

hmmm. I've only seen them go really well. I think it all depends on the person. I can think of some people who wouldn't enjoy them.

I would feel really embarrased, but special at the same time.

[Rose]

I guess I am a control freak -- I hate surprises. I've told my husband many times that he must never have a surprise party for me; I think he gets it. He once planned a surprise weekend for me -- I knew we were going somewhere but didn't know where -- and I found it stressful, even though I knew it would be something good. And, I guess I am also vain, but part of the fun for me of going to a party is getting ready, planning what to wear, doing my makeup, etc. If I found myself at a party in sweatpants, I would be mortified!

[Mary]

I totally disagree with this article, although I generally love your inspirational columns! If there are deep faults in a marriage or if someone is suspicious by nature, then I guess anything could set them off, and I don't think it's worth questioning every fun plan! (That would not make for happy times!)
I gave a surprise party for my husband. Not everything went absolutely perfectly: we got lost (don't ask) and arrived later than planned, the place did not serve one of the two desserts, one or two people didn't come-but anyway, forget that. I will not dwell on a few little negatives. The party was GREAT! My husband LOVED it and was so surprised. I was proud of my superior ability to keep a secret :) ! And I do not use this for any clandestine affairs... I'm extremely faithful, thank you very much. It was a great party, I'm glad I gave it, he loved it and that's it! I recommend it for anyone, unless there's a heart condition or suspicious/troublesome nature involved. Surprise parties rock!

[jo-less]

I've been involved in two SP's over the years - the first for my Grandma's 80th birthday which worked really, really well and was a total suprise to her. We had loads of people and it was superb.

The second was for my mother's 50th and we had to be more careful as she was in the middle of chemo and we prayed that the dates would work out and she'd feel well. We were very lucky and it did :-) We warned her on the morning of the party so she could rest beforehand and be prepared and she had a fabulous time with loads of people visiting who we hadn't seen for a while. She would have hated it if we hadn't given her that chance to feel great and be well rested so we made a great decision.

All that said, even though I would hate to have anyone organise one for me, those two worked out very well. I think I'll quit while I'm ahead! :-)

[Kristine]

I'm sorry to hear about all the bad surprise party experiences. Mine was great! My husband (then boyfriend) threw a surprise party for me a couple years after I graduated from college. I had no idea and had made my own plans for a low-key evening with a few friends back in my college town, about an hour and a half away from where I lived. We met one of our friends at his house and he told me there was something he had to show me in the basement. As I entered the room, the lights were flipped on and just about every friend I have in the world yelled surprise! They had come from different corners of the state and it was a thrill to see all of them here in one place. I felt very special and happy. It was almost life-affirming to realize how many friends I do have in the world, even if I cannot see them regularly.

I think timing and expectations are everything when it comes to surprise parties. I had no great expectations for that particular birthday so the party was a welcome surprise. I had also been distanced from many friendships and enjoyed the opportunity to see my college buddies again. Perhaps another key detail is to keep the surprise party atmosphere consistent with the atmosphere the surprisee is expecting that night.

[Rose]

I'll just say that I don't think that disliking surprises is necessarily a sign of a "suspicious/troublesome nature." We are all different. I grew up in a chaotic household with alcoholic parents, and as an adult, structure and predictability are important to me. I don't think that's a flaw, and it doesn't prevent me from having fun and enjoying my life. I just prefer to know about the party in advance . . . .

[anonymous]

Just read your blog about surprise parties and wanted to add my thoughts. I turned 40 in January and I kept telling my husband I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. The plan was he was going to take me to dinner at the Modern and then we would do a bigger celebration in June for our 10 year anniversary. When we arrived at the Modern we were led to a back room overlooking the sculpture garden and there were 30 of my closest friends. I was totally surprised!! My husband had organized an elegant sit down dinner, with my favorite flowers, amazing food and delicious wine. He had even thought to invite a colleague of mine from work who I am very close to but he’s never met. He gave an fabulous speech that was both funny and moving. What the surprise party showed me was that wow does he love me! And in some ways he knows me better than I know myself, because -- not only did he get every party detail right --even though I swore up and down I didn’t want a party, in the end the night was second only to my wedding.

[FlowerGirl]

From some comments here, and my own experience, I think the personality of the recipient (introvert vs. extrovert) plays a huge role in whether surprise parties (or ANY party) are enjoyable. I'm very introverted and hate being the focus of attention, so when my parents threw me a birthday party (against my wishes!), even having to open presents in front of the guests was a huge strain. My shy brother had a similar experience - his new girlfriend threw him a surprise b-day party and the photos show him looking like a deer in the headlights. The girlfriend asked my opinion, and I advised against it, but she was excited about the relationship and wanted to show how much she cared.

Both are examples of how the people throwing the parties were thinking more about what THEY wanted than what the recipient would want. My idea of an awesome birthday surprise would be for hubby to take me to a restaurant and to find my 3 close friends waiting for a girls' night out - and for him to go home and take care of the kids! On the other hand, hubby, who is very sociable, would probably love a surprise party!

[Kaja]

I wholeheartedly agree that surprise parties are particularly special when thrown for parents, by their grown children. Last weekend I attended the best surprise party I've ever been to, an 85th birthday. The birthday dame had apparently always insisted that she didn't want a party, but her daughter persevered. The event was as replete with out-of-towners, some of whom she hadn't seen in decades. It was as emotionally charged and joyful as the best weddings I've attended, and she repeated throughout the night that she'd remember the gathering always.

[J.C. Payne]

My wife threw a surprize party for my birthday two years ago. It was a lot of work and a lot of effort on her part to get my coworkers and a lot of my family to come. It helped that the party was the day after my birthday, so after two weeks of 'what do you want for your birthday?' I thought I was done with it, so it was easy to catch me by surprize.

The problem was I was actively trying to convince my parents to come and visit us the weekend after my birthday. My sister had passed away about a year and a half before, and her birthday is a week after mine. I was hoping they would come and visit and see the sights, while I got some time to just spend with my niece and nephew. my sister's kids, who my parents were now raising. And I kept getting elusive answers to them confirming there trip.

So as surprized and happy as i was to see my mom, I was miffed because my dad was not there, and I knew my parents weren't going to come back for a second trip two weekends in a row.

Because I was so bummed about my sister at the time, it turned into a bone of contention between my wife doing this loving gesture (knowing I had never had a surprize party and that I missed throwing parties for my self, it came to her as a good idea, despite not liking surprizes) and me working hard to do a loving gestures for my parents and just securing a quality moment with my very young niece and nephew.

[MJ]

I started to write about the horror and misery of my mother's thwarted surprise 70th birthday party, but thought it would bring down the generally happy tone of the blog. Suffice it to say: sometimes it's not even a good idea for children to have surprise parties for their parents, if the necessary secrecy causes said parents to think that nobody is doing anything for their landmark birthday, so they ship the whole family off to drop in on an unsuspecting relative who wasn't really planning on having company over a major holiday WEEK.

I'm just sayin'.

[MoonSinger]

My husband always told me he "didn't like parties." He was very shy when we met, so I wasn't sure that he was going to appreciate a surprise party for his 31st birthday. I only invited HIS friends and HIS relatives. A couple of his high-school friends from out of town came. He acted like he had a good time, but I thought maybe he was just humoring me.

The following year when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday and he said, "Another surprise party would be nice."

[Chuck]

Wonderful site.

My birthday is in one month, I'll be 30. I was planning for months to go with my fiancee somewhere, a short 3 day trip. I found these wonderful tickets/hostel for a 5 day trip. She started declining and giving excuses and I got really angry thinking she was being selfish. I then said 'I hope you're not planning a surprise party for me'. And, well. She was.

At first I got angry. I'm pretty sure we talked about that before, and I said I didn't like those parties. But then I told her NOT to call it off. I usually avoid to be the center of attentions, but lately I've been more comfortable in my shoes -- perhaps a little maturity that comes. She knows I'm introverted, but she sees how happy I get when I'm outgoing and she wants to encourage that, I suppose.

So I am willing to give it a try, even though it's not a surprise anymore.

It broke my heart to hear her saying that she was organizing it. I felt really insensitive. We might take the trip one day earlier and get back to the party.

If anyone has suggestions, it's still a month until the celebration.