This Wednesday: 12 tips for acting like a true friend.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Twelve tips for acting like a true friend.

Everyone from Aristotle to Martin Seligman agrees that friendship is one of the keys to happiness.

No one would argue that they DON’T want strong friendships, but the trick is figuring out how, exactly, to keep your friendships strong.

Here twelve tips for how to act like a true friend:

1. Be supportive when your friend has bad news. This is perhaps the most critical duty of a friend.

2. Be supportive when your friend has good news. This is trickier; surprisingly, it’s sometimes harder to be supportive when someone gets a promotion, gets engaged, or enjoys other good fortune, than it is to be supportive when someone is going through a hard time.

3. Don’t gossip. It’s not nice. Also, although it may be fun to gossip about Pat with Jean, Jean is probably going to feel wary of being your friend—you’re not trustworthy. Along the same lines…

4. Keep a secret. One of the most satisfying aspects of friendship is that it allows two people to confide in each other. Spilling secrets will destroy that. Ah, it’s so delicious to disclose a secret—but you have to resist.

5. Exchange favors. Along with the feeling of intimacy, one of the best parts of friendship is the feeling of support it provides. And while getting support is important, giving support may be even more important for boosting happiness.

6. Don’t criticize a friend’s sweetheart or spouse—and, at the other extreme, don’t flirt with a friend’s sweetheart or spouse.

7. Be kind to a friend’s children.

8. Be friendly to a friend’s friends. In fact, in a phenomenon called “triadic closure,” people tend to befriend the friends of their friends – and this is very satisfying. Friendships thrive on inter-connection, and it’s both energizing and comforting to feel that you’re building not just friendships, but a social network.

9. Show up. Sometimes a friend wants you to show up someplace when you’d really rather not: a wedding in Topeka; a surprise party that falls on New Year’s Eve, when you’d rather be doing something else. Recognize a command performance, and don’t miss it.

Bonus activities:

10. Remember birthdays.

11. Be nice to their pets.

12. Help a friend think big. Nothing is more encouraging than a friend throwing out some huge goal and saying, “You should do that!” “You should write a book, you should start your own firm, you should run for office, you should join the Council on Foreign Relations.” You never know, sometimes one encouraging comment can have extraordinary effect on someone’s life.

Have I overlooked anything?

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A thoughtful reader sent me the link to an article she wrote about the many strategies she used to lift herself out of depression. Lots of sound, practical ideas about tackling recurrent depression.

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Comments

[Michelle Potter]

I think #8 is so important. I have, at times, had many friends but none of my friends knew each other, and I didn't know their other friends. Surprisingly, despite having plenty of friends, it makes you feel like an outsider. Someone says, "Oh, I went out with Cheryl," and you don't know Cheryl, you feel like you aren't part of the group. It's much better to be friends with your friends' friends! ;)

[Natasha]

#6 is really difficult for me...I guess it's hard to keep quiet if one sees one's friend with someone who one perceives as bad for one's friend. Any pointers? Do you just ignore it and let your friend get hurt? Or isn't it good to be assertive about what you think and let your friend know how you feel?

[MiniExec]

Don't try to fix your friends. Sometimes our desire to 'help' our friends gets in the way of just listening, and sometimes we just think we know we're right! Resist the urge to tell your friends what to do -- just be there for them and let them know you love them just the way they are.

[Brett]

Amazing timing! A good reminder. Thanks!

[Avani]

Be honest. Sometimes we really require someone to show us a mirror, to tell us we are going wrong. Who better than a friend.

[Craig Harper - Motivational Speaker]

Hey Gretchen.
This can also be tricky but, if your friend asks you a question about themselves, tell them the absolute truth 'constructively'. This means they cannot be precious and they need to be prepared to hear the absolute truth. I have a few people in my life that WILL tell me the brutally honest truth, if I ask.

[Karyn]

One thing I do from time to time is to ask myself, "Would I want to be my friend?"

These tips are good reminders. Best tip I know is from my mom: You have to like yourself before you can expect other people to like you.

[Wendi Kelly]

I like the tips and agree with them, but I have to add "be honest". I want my friends to be able to be honest with me in a constructive way. I don't need a person who is just going to blindly follow along and agree with everything I say, so the support thing can only go so far. I like someone who can challenge my thinking and be a friend enough to say...hey, have you thought about this? Or what about that?
Wendi

[dgm]

Every now and then if you see something that reminds you of your friend, let them know. If it's a funny card, send it to them. If it's a trinket that somehow recalls a fun time you spent together or a running joke you used to have, send it to them. If it's just some song that came on the radio that the two of you have a connection to, drop an email or quick phone call. (Sometimes I'll just call a friend and sing a few lines from a song that reminds me of them, and hang up.) It lets them know that despite the fact that we all have busy lives now, you still think of them across the miles.

I always feel great when I do this or when a friend does it for me.

[Chris Guillebeau]

As an extension of #12, I'd say "Gently challenge your friend when they're thinking small."

I have really appreciated times in my life when a true friend has encouraged me to dream bigger, without sounding harsh. Most friends will never do this, which is why only a true friend will care enough to take the risk.

[Kacey]

I hopped over here from Simply Stated. This is a great list of tips. I love the help a friend think big tip! I look forward to reading the Happiness Project.

I've been on a blog hopping "happiness" kick for the last few days after a reader of my blog wrote and told me I was the second happiest person on the internet according to Google. Who knew?

Added your blog to my feed reader. Love reading a positive outlook blog.

[Jennifer]

As with any relationship, reminding myself that the relationship is about them and not me really makes a difference. Then, I'm not caught up into how it can benefit me, but what I can do for them. Your friend will never forget you if that is your attitude.

[cja]

I loved that link to the article on strategies to lift yourself out of depression -- thank you.

[no-one in particular]

Re. no 12: on the other hand don't insist he thinks big when thinking small will get him closer to his goals. ('You should start your own business!' when what he wants is a job.)

[Jaime]

I agree with the 12 listed above. I'd think that #5 should have some stipulation that exchanging favors should often come out of the blue, initiated by you. Sometimes it's hard, but I find as a friend, those are the moments that I value most. For instance, when I wasn't at church one Sunday due to a sick baby, a friend called out of the blue just to make sure I was ok, and to see if she could do anything. I didn't need her to come over, but I did need her phone call. It showed she cared.

[cwan]

Perhaps taming the tongue is the most difficult thing to do. Don't gossip and don't criticize and you'll be alright. It takes plenty of self control.

[Healthy Librarian]

Gretchen, I loved this post so much! Numbers 2, 9 & 12 are my top picks. I ended up writing my own post on friendship because our friends our so vital to our health & happiness. Actually, I was surprised at what surfaced when I started to write. If you're interested, it's at:
http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/03/friendship-rule.html

[Charlotte]

More and more, with my friends, their children and the few parents who are left, I make sure to LOOK at them when I talk, and when I listen, I give my FULL attention to them. I am not "multi-tasking".
I have put them first when we speak. It makes all your above points work for me.

[krista]

I appreciate these tips, but linguistically- I think I'd rather have red tips on how to actually BE a good friend- not just "act" like one.