Resolutions for how to be happy have to be made over and over. Alas.

I’ve been doing some thinking lately about the difference between happiness goals and happiness resolutions, and the role of habits in helping me or thwarting me.

What’s discouraging is that many of my most important happiness resolutions aren’t getting much easier. That’s why I think it’s important to think of these as “resolutions” that I approach anew each day, rather than "goals" that I’d expect to achieve and be done with.

One of the main things I’ve worked on in my Happiness Project is my sharp tongue. I snap, I nag, I “talk in a mean voice,” as the Big Girl put it when she was younger.

I worked hard on this tendency, and I did improve.

Lately, however, I’ve been relaxing my vigilance a bit. Maybe I thought I’d reached my “goal.” And you know what? The snapping, the nagging, the sharp tone has come right back.

I can HEAR the words come out of my mouth in a nasty tone. Sometimes I even sound more aggravated than I actually am.

I guess I thought my struggle would get easier, once I’d been keeping my resolutions for a while.

Nope.

My tendency to speak harshly is one my worst traits and the reason for a lot of my resolutions. It’s one of the main reasons I felt compelled to start my Happiness Project. It’s the reason I’ve more or less quit drinking alcohol. It’s the reason I try so hard to get enough sleep and not to let myself get too hungry or cold. It’s the reason I resolved to quit nagging, and to stop gossiping.

These steps have helped, but the sharp tongue is still there.

I think back on last Saturday morning, for example. We’d all slept badly. The Big Man was at the gym, and I was giving the girls their breakfasts. Both girls were being whiny and demanding.

My resolutions and my Twelve Commandments started ringing in my ears: “Laugh out loud,” “Lighten up,” “Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings,” “Sing in the morning,” etc.

Did I do any of that? No. I scowled at them both. I spoke in a harsh voice. I clenched my jaw.

It was the Big Girl who turned the mood around. Unbelievably, she suddenly pulled herself together and started distracting the Little Girl with a funny story. The Little Girl cheered up once she’d eaten some breakfast, and I cheered up after I had some coffee. Peace descended.

So often, it just takes one person to change the mood. I hope that next time, I’ll be able to meet the challenge, instead of leaving it to my eight-year-old.

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New York Times reporter Tara Parker-Pope has an excellent blog, Well, where she writes about a variety of health-related issues. Fascinating stuff there.

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Comments

[Healthy Librarian]

I know just how you feel. Don't be so hard on yourself. Lack of sleep can even make a pussycat turn cranky. It's number one on my list, right up there with eating right & exercising if I want to feel happy. You made me think of a post I wrote in early February, "Feeling Cranky, Pessimistic, Impatient & Annoyed? How Did You Sleep Last Night?". Turns out, I even referred to you in the post. Here's the link: http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/02/feeling-cranky.html

There's another one on sleep, written the next day. It was ON MY MIND. Sorry, to be so long winded here, but take a look at Sylvia Boorstein's latest book, "Happiness is an Inside Job".

She's an amazing 74 year old PhD psychotherapist who teaches meditation. Basically we will always get annoyed and angry. It's all about recognizing that you do, being gentle with yourself, and STOPPING IT. Her book is like listening to the sweetest most sensible grandmother you can imagine.

BTW, Tara-Parker Pope is my all time favorite health writer. And I love your blog. I was hooked when I read you're a fan of Edgar Eager's "Half Magic". It was my first favorite book & I read it in 1958 or '59! It magically reappeared in my life a month when I spotted it in a discard box where I tutor. Whew!

[Rachel]

Gretchen--- The resolution to speak kindly should also apply to yourself. Who do you think taught her daughter how to lighten a difficult situation with a joke? What a wonderful gift to give your daughter On the other hand ---I find it helpful to hear about your difficulties because we all have our own struggles.

[Helen]

Gretchen, I second Rachel's comment - your Happiness Project doesn't only contribute to your personal development, but also provides a wonderful example for the people who come into contact with you. What a wonderful thing it is for the Big Girl and the Little Girl to grow up with a Happiness Champion and role-model in their very own house!

[Pam]

One suggestion: When a child starts to whine, or talk like a baby, etc., tell the child that your ears don't work when their voice is whining or not talking like a big boy/girl. Suggest that they go to a quiet spot and practice saying what they want to tell you and then come back to talk to you. Tell them you'll wait right here and listen after you practice and come back to tell me what you'd like for me to hear. Try to always talk in a very slow, low calm voice. You'll find this calms you as well. I'm a teacher and this does work especially when used consistently.

[Ann]

There's a Zen saying that what we resist, persists.

After trying to fight my own bad habits, I've come to believe this. As long as something's a big deal, I'll always have it in the back of my mind, as something I'm doing or not doing, but always as something. It's like trying not to think of an elephant. As soon as the word "elephant" enters your ears, you think about an elephant.

Zen also says that observing a thing non-judgmentally changes it. I no longer try to correct so much as I try to observe.

Just a thought,
Ann

[Samantha]

I think you have hit the nail on the head with this idea of the difference between goals and resolutions. I have been thinking a lot about it since your post about it on the 7th.

I have not been one to make resolutions because I always thought of then as goals that I couldn't keep. Now I can think of them as what they truly are: something to keep doing even if you have to resolve to do better every five minutes like I feel I have to do.

[Heidi]

This post definitely hit a nerve with me- that's my worst trait as well. I really try to work on it, but I definitely struggle daily.

[Michelle Potter]

Gretchen, that's exactly why I started reading this blog several months ago. I'm sick and tired of my own sharp tongue, and I want to change things. It's incredibly difficult, isn't it?

[dgm]

I can see the effect of my sharp tone on my 9 y.o. daughter's face and in her body language, and it often instantly snaps me out of it. She is, in so many ways, a lot like me when I was a kid, and when I see her respond this way it takes me back to how much I hated being spoken down to like that when I was a kid. About a year ago I heard her speak in "my" tone to her little brother, and it made me want to change immediately. I'm still working on it.

[KM]

Gretchen, thank you so much for your openness about this. This is also one of my worst traits, and I often think, after such an episode of sharpness, "What is wrong with me that I can't speak civilly?!" I've felt like it was just me--since it seems I mostly only do this to my husband, and he never responds the same way. I really hope I can get a handle on it, as our 2 1/2 y.o. is starting to be more aware of how mama and papa interact.

[cb]

What a great post. I have the same "sharp tongue" tendency. One day while trying to get my daughter (age 6)ready for school she said to me, "I think you just don't like me!" It broke my heart! I vowed to change how I spoke to her, I tried to remember to ACT not REACT to my daughter when she was having a tantrum or a bad morning. And unfortunately, this is something I have to keep working on, because like you said, it can come creeping back in a weak moment. Thanks for the reminder!
P.S. I love your Commandment #3, "Act as you want to Feel" its becoming my mantra.

[jim]

At risk of being trite - no goals, only processes. And processes are something we do, not something we achieve. One of my mantras (since I'm a cyclist) is from Greg Lemond. He said "It doesn't get any easier, you just go faster." Maybe that doesn't make any sense to someone else, but it has been pretty revealing to me. What process am I doing right now?

[Kare Anderson]

G

Since anger usually comes out of fear, a hardwired emotion, it is the most difficult to modify, methinks.

Here's the bad news and the good, from Dr. Norman Doidge, author of a book I just finished reading, The Brain That Changes Itself:

Our brains are enormously plastic (aka changeable) yet it takes persistent practice re re-map our brain.

That is too simple a summary of his compelling story of the history and recent discoveries of how we can change our habits,rehabilitate from dire illness such as a stroke and recover from additions such as watching extreme porn on the computer (a growing problem and I'll bet that part of my description will motivate some to take a look at the book.

No I am not related to the author. This is the ninth book I've read about the brain and, while most were very helpful, this is the most insightful.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Great suggestions, ideas, and further reading here. With these major faults, it helps to tackle from every angle -- to think about the problem differently, to have a different frame of mind, to learn more about what's going on, to react differently. Slowly but surely -- or maybe faster!

[Frances A. Hunter]

WOW - thank you so much for this post! Your words made me realize there is hope! It sounds like you have good control and the first step is acknowledging the problem,right? I really appreciate this post. It will help me to be more pleasant and sound less mean.

[Etavitom]

Amazing post. Thank you!

[Tino Schwarze]

@Ann, I like that Zen saying you quoted. I just had to blog about this myself (in German though).

I think, the solution is exactly within that Zen saying. Zen teaches a lot about paradoxes which lead to deep truth.

Given a bad habit, the easiest (!) way to "get rid of it" is not to try to get rid of it, but to recognize it as a part of yourself.

@Gretchen, you've already learnt a lot by trying to get rid of your sharp tounge. Your consciousness about what you are doing raised a lot (and it'll raise by each post to the blog and everything you do for your book, BTW).

If you are gentle to yourself and appreciate your "bad habit" as part of yourself, you're no longer in war with yourself. Then you don't have to do anything *against* it, you may just let it be. And then you've got the freedom to simply choose whether to keep that habit or to drop it. Or it may even vanish by itself since you've learnt your lesson.

Keep it up! I'm glad I found your blog.

[HP van Duuren]

Mmmm..., I do have some doubts about the word 'Resolution', I do associate it a little with 'New Years Resolutions' and I wonder if anybody ever - really consioussly - keeps them in mind for more than a week!

Also with Goals, if you want to achieve something, than after some time you might still want to achieve it!

(Although it might help if you make them 'SMART', Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and with a 'Time-path')

Nevertheless I do think that the idea behind your resolutions is in the right direction, instead of 'achieving' using the operative word 'KEEP', so it might also be an interesting idea to consider calling it 'A Promise' instead. That probably also will be a good word to direct thoughts into thinking of reasons WHY to keep 'on track'.

All the Best,
HP

[Crystalyn]

Gretchen,

I can so relate to this. I find myself in this battle often. Mostly due to poor sleep. Sometimes I can really pull it together. Other times, not so much. I appreciated reading about your resolutions and strides. It gives me a reminder and hope to keep on.

I also really love your idea of resolutions vs. goals. That, along with so many other thoughts of yours really resonate with me. Another one is, "the days are long but the years are short." I heard over the weekend that motherhood is a matter of moments. Sometimes the days are sooooo long and my tendency to want to fall back on a short tongue is strong. I try to remember that the years are short and that motherhood really is made of moments. I'm always trying to stick with my resolve to be kinder and gentler.

Thanks for the great post!

[Ladyexpat]

I think the important thing is that you have come to recognize these traits about yourself and are becoming more mindful when they crop up. Nobody's perfect, and recognition is the first step (imo)

I teach in a foreign country, and have to work hard at setting the mood each time I step into the classroom. Students often try and derail my best laid plans. The trick for me is to remember that nagging, and speaking harshly does not improve the situation. When I'm in the thick of the moment that can be difficult!