This Wednesday: Seven things to say in a meeting to make yourself look good and someone else look bad.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 7 things to say in a meeting to make yourself look good and someone else look bad.

Ah, meetings. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Being happy at work is important, of course. Being with other people generally boosts mood, and ideally, meetings should be a source of energy, ideas, and collegiality. But it doesn’t always work out that way. Meetings are also a place where people jockey for position, work out disagreements (nicely or not-so-nicely), and hurt each other’s feelings.

In one of my previous job incarnations, I worked in a meeting-intensive environment. After a while, I noticed that one person, when in a meeting, consistently made me feel angry and defensive—but I couldn’t figure out why. He never attacked me, in fact, he was nice to me. Or so I thought. Then I took a closer look at the kinds of things he said.

If you’re looking for ways to assert power over other people, and in the process, very likely annoy or undermine them, try the following tips. Conversely, if you’re hoping NOT to annoy or undermine other people, avoid talking this way:

1. “I don’t need all the details. Let’s just get to the bottom line.” You imply that others are quibblers and small-minded technicians, while deflecting the possible need to master complicated details yourself.

2. “Well, these are the facts.” You emphasize that you attend to hard facts, while implying that others are distracted by prejudice, sentiment, and assumption.

3. “You might be right.” You seem open-minded while simultaneously undermining someone else’s authority and credibility.

4. “I’m wondering about ____. Pat, please get back to us on this.” You demonstrate your habit of reasoned decision-making, while making Pat (who may or may not actually report to you) do the necessary work and report back.

5. “You did a great job on that, Pat!” You show a positive attitude, while showing that you’re in the position to judge and condescend to Pat.

6. “I think what Pat is trying to say is…” You show that you’re a good listener and give credit to others, while demonstrating that you can take Pat’s simple thought further than Pat could.

7. “I can see why you might think that.” Variant: “I used to think that, too.” You sound sympathetic, while indicating that you’ve moved far ahead in understanding.

As I read this list, I realize that a person could say all these things without being undermining. A lot depends on context and motivation. Still, it's useful to think about how your seemingly helpful comment might strike another person in the room!

What other actions make you unhappy in a meeting? When two people write each other notes or whisper, when someone is obviously reading unrelated material or a Blackberry…what am I forgetting?

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There's a great post on First Ourselves about tips for forging stronger family connections. Lots of great suggestions here -- some of which I've included in my Happiness Project so far, but I also got some new ideas for things to try.

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Comments

[KHP]

As a manager, I admit to using #s 1,3,4,5,6 frequently...but always in an effort to be efficient, not condescending. Would love feedback on how people prefer to be addressed by a boss, esp. in a a deadline-driven meeting.

[Naomi Rose]

How about: "Well that's just your opinion...."
when at that point everyone is giving their opinion!!

[Warren]

"Sorry I'm late, I was tied up on an urgent project." followed closely by "Excuse me, I need to leave to work on xxyyzzy."

One of my pet peeves are people who are constantly late to, or excusing themselves early from, meetings. The implication is that they are the only ones in the room who have priority projects and difficulty making time for the meeting. They send the message that their time is more valuable than anyone else in the room.

Certainly there are times when the excuse is valid and appropriate, but not on a regular basis.

[Meryn Stol]

You gave a typical low-trust interpretation of words. Here's my high-trust one:

"I don’t need all the details. Let’s just get to the bottom line."
- "I trust you you did your job perfect. I only need to hear your conclusion."

"Well, these are the facts."
He/she tries to immediately correct misunderstanding. Someone trustworthy who would say something like this could probably cite sources. What's wrong with looking something up quickly?

"You might be right."
You indicate you have conflicting knowledge, but you show that you think that the other's statement could be right too. Intriguing!

"“I’m wondering about ____. Pat, please get back to us on this.”
There's Nothing wrong wit delegation. Division of labor has brought us a large part of our prosperity.

"You did a great job on that, Pat!”
Equals can also give recognition to each other.

"“I think what Pat is trying to say is…”
You try to help someone out who is less articulate than you.

"“I can see why you might think that.” Variant: “I used to think that, too.”"
You really want to clear up misunderstanding, especially since you've suffered from this misunderstanding also, and don't want this for others.

[beth nc]

As for #1, #4, and #6, sometimes you have to keep people focused on the agenda and goals of the meeting. You can try to be polite about it and try to have the same demeanor with everyone.

Which leads to my pet peeve - inefficiently run meetings that include people who don't need to be there, that don't have a stated agenda, that run overtime, or don't cover key items because people got off track.

[Gretchen Rubin]

As I said above, I think a lot depends on context and motivation. These 7 statements could be helpful and supportive -- but in my particular case, I realized how they actually made me feel bad!

I suppose my main point is that, as a speaker, you can't get away with being undermining, just because what you say SEEMS nice enough.

[Deborah]

how about eye-rolling and deep sighs ("I'm bored; you are stupid"?) How about dismissive remarks like "Well, that's nice" ("your comments are irrelevant" "I'm Bored" "you are stupid.")--

"I think what Pat is trying to say.." I find this extremely condescending. I can speak for myself and if not understood, I can clarify.

Most of these remarks can be taken either way, depending on context and the relationship of the people in the meeting. The group leader needs to be professional, skilled and above all, respectful, something I often find lacking in meetings.

[GEORGE]

These are great tips but in my experience worketing in a meeting culture, I found that it was always best to focus on the Objective of the meeting and the desired outcome in terms of specific actions to be taken;
Also, I would make sure that there was not spurious agreement- that everyone left on the same page in terms of what they would do.

[GEORGE]

In my experience asking the right question can lead to a good -discussion and outcome;
- a focus on the objective of the meting unifies the group
-focus on the specific actions that are needed following the meeting

[Tanya]

I think almost everyone who has worked somewhere where they were involved in meetings has heard at least one of these and did not like it!

My only further comment is in regard to #6...I find it would be better to address the person directly if you feel you can elaborate on what they are trying to say...such as "Do you mean ...." I think it promotes goodwill in the way that it shows you are interested and engaged in what they are saying, without trying to steal the show.

[logan]

oh gretchen, this has been done before...and done better. by people who know what they're talking about because they've studied it for years (and got their doctorates in positive psychology).

for example, sonja lyubomirsky's "How To Happiness"
Daniel Gilbert's "Stumbing on Happiness"
Tal Ben-Shahar's "Happier"

it's clear you're just trying to get famous and write a best seller by setting up this blog...

get over yourself. your lifestyle (living in a super expensive apt. in nyc while your yale educated james rubin hubby pays all the bills)... doesn't resonate with most people. yes, you're a stay at home mom, but that's not real work when you have full time help- which you do- a nanny, housekeeper, etc etc.

no one's going to buy your book just so that you can fuel this lifestyle even further.

and if you really knew anything about happiness you wouldn't become a lawyer only to quit a few years out...

do a service to yalies everywhere and just stop embarrassing us.

[Lexica]

Gretchen, I hope one of the items on your list is "Be selective about whose opinion you pay attention to."

IMO, the comment above from "logan" is not something worthy of any of your attention or energy.

Thanks for your blog. It's a real source of food for thought for me.

[Julia]

Hey Gretchen, just wanted to let you know that I *can* relate to what you write and I *do* benefit from reading it.

I'm a college student who found your blog when I was coming to terms with being depressed and trying to fight my way out of it. Medicine and lots of exercise were the things that pulled me out of my darkest spot, but I've also had to make a LOT of efforts to be conscious of how my habits and choices contribute to how I'm feeling. Your blog absolutely helps me with that and I appreciate your writing. I appreciate that you're thinking and writing about these things, and I appreciate that you're making the journey yourself rather than claiming to have achieved perfect happiness or anything like that.

So...thank you, and people *are* listening.

Also, to the poster above named "Logan," why begrudge others the exploration of what does or doesn't make them happy? Are you jealous that she seems to you to have an easy life?

Privilege does not necessarily equal an easy road to happiness. In fact, it makes it easier NOT to question yourself or your choices. It's easy to focus on the negative instead of the good things in your life - to worry about things instead of people. Kudos to Gretchen for not only challenging herself, but also sharing her learning process with others - regardless of what her situation looks like from the outside.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you are dealing with that inclined you to take your frustration out on Gretchen. I wish you whatever kind of success or happiness or peace that you're looking for in your own life.

[Julia]

PS - Gretchen, have you written anything on the topic of self-defeating behavior, or can you recommend any blogs that have dealt with that kind of topic? Being conscious of it helps a lot, but it's still a problem for me. I especially tend to avoid problems when dealing with them sooner rather than later is truly in my best interest. >.<

[Tanya]

Sorry, not like me to comment twice on one post but I had to respond to logan. Not sure why he has so much time on his hands to browse the internet just to criticize, but over the years I have come to see the vast majority of random attacks are fueled by self-hatred...I feel a little dorry for him, but not much.

Some of your simple tips have literally changed my life. "You can do anything in 15 minutes" for one example has totally changed the way I look at things and have accomplished much in the time I used to spend waiting (or worse LAZING!) around.

I will buy your book, because I appreciate what you have to offer.

[Annette]

Hey! Just want to say that logan's comments are totally unnecessary!! You don't have to agree with everything (or even anything!) that Gretchen (or anyone else!) says, but you don't have to resort to making petty personal attacks. How disappointing.

[Dawn R]

First off, yeah, logan shouldn't waste his time or ours on your site - if he's not getting any benefit, he can look elsewhere.

Second, I actually have to agree with Meryn Stol - I think each of these can be used in a positive way. I also understand your point, however, that they could be intended or perceived in a negative way. I'll watch my use of them in the future and endeavor to only use my powers for good. =)

Third, my meeting pet peeve is meetings that have an agenda but the person in charge allows chit-chatting to take up most of the allotted time rather than actually running the meeting. Urg.

[Rose]

Gretchen, I love your blog and have implemented many of your tips. My new mantra is "just show up." This is changing my life, no exaggeration. I tend to be shy, I tend to be lazy, I tend to make "tentative plans" and not follow through. "Just show up" turns out to be the best way to conquer this. So thank you for that.

And I think this is a great post -- I used to work in a meeting-intensive environment and heard all these statements from time to time. Most people can tell the difference between someone who is trying (maybe awkwardly) to be positive or to keep the meeting focused, and an underminer.

[Anonymous]

********
I'm wondering if "logan" was, perhaps, the annoying person from the meetings that Gretchen was talking about?
********
Posted anonymously, because I don't want logan showing up on my blog!

[Karen]

Wow, this is a super interesting post, because I took a workshop late last year on running successful meetings and I'm pretty sure most of these comments are offered as suggestions for keeping the meeting on track. For example, there's always someone who likes to hear themselves talk who goes on and on and on, outside the agenda point... the meeting leader needs to try to paraphrase Pat (#6) so someone else has as turn. And as long as they aren't picking on one person only, the leader should be able to delegate tasks to various members of the team, to prep for the next meeting.

I work at a large university and meetings and e-mail group lists take up over 60% of most workdays. I sincerely wish I had more ideas to make these things work better and more efficiently.

[Syd]

Logan,
We don’t need all the details. Let’s just get to the bottom line, which is that you're envious of our blogger.

These are the facts. Lots of Yale grads have nannies and housekeepers and fellow classmates aren't embarrassed by their success.

You might be right about no one buying Gretchen's book, but I doubt it since so many read her blog.

I’m wondering about what you've accomplished since you finished school. Please get back to us on this.

You did a great job on choosing a college, though!

I think what Logan is trying to say is that he/she went to Yale too and doesn't see why Gretchen should be allowed to change careers and write books and spend time with her children in a clean house.

I can see why you might think that others would agree with you, Logan, but you're wrong.

[Suzie]

I love Syd!

[Kate]

I love Syd too! And Julia, Lexica, Annette, and Anonymous. Kudos to all of you for countering negativity with positivity. And thanks to Gretchen for being a bright light. Your post about "guarding the joyful ones," or something to that effect, comes to mind in this context.

Like Julia, I have found your insights very helpful and timely for things going on in my life. Plus, I think that the personal experience has the potential to be more universal - and digestible - than some grand, academic theory.

[Stuck In Bad Meetings]

I would be interested to see some comments on how to best behave in a meeting where the leader is using these tactics. I have a supervisor who does several of these things and I don't know how to react without feeling like I might get fired. (I've at least learned to not roll my eyes at him. Usually just stare at a blank spot and wait for the blow hard to stop talking.)

[Beverly]

My all-time most hated comment at a meeting, "I applaud your effort with that." Please, people, don't EVER use that phrase! Guised as encouragement, it really implies that your hard work generated nothing in the end. What a put-down!

[Denise]

There's this high ranking person in a certain outsourcing company. He was my chairman for an international event. I hated going to meetings which he presided because always made me feel stupid when I presented my ideas. I'm a creative person and I like to think outside the box sometimes. He's very practical and can sometimes be so direct to the point. When he puts down my ideas, I feel like he's telling me how stupid I am for thinking outside the box.

He usually commits numbers 1, 2, 4, and 5.

Or maybe I'm just too sensitive.

[john]

This is a little tale of lesson-learning for me. I will know better next time how to proceed. My meeting scenario is different from the ones you've discussed thus far. I'm a first time visitor here. Perhaps someone will direct me to another area that is more relevant to my topic. Thanks for the site and the insights.

I'm in a 5 person planning group with no designated leader. We are planning a multi-day training event, which we will also conduct. We didn't know each other when we were assigned to the project. Our organization is a large bureaucracy (public school district). We've spent two meetings, one to two hours in length, getting very little done. Lots of chit-chat. Accomplishments have been made outside the meetings by two members who have reported back to the others by email and phone. A semblance of organization has finally evolved, but I wish I (or someone) had the forethought to go ahead and discuss roles and responsibilities in our first meeting. We would be much further along with much less hassle.

Now we are dealing with the consequences of having one member who is a no-show and non-communicator and another who chronically doesn't follow through on things she volunteered to do. Some group decisions in the first meeting about responsibilities likely would have prevented those problems.
We are on the road to completion now and it has become much smoother.

I'm glad I've stumbled on to this website and I will revisit.

[Meghan]

KHP-

I've been mulling over the "You might be right" point for twenty minutes now! I use it very frequently, and I have never thought that I use it in a way that undermines someone's authority or credibility-however, now that I am thinking about it, I wonder how it could be perceived by others... I think from now on if I am not sure if someone IS right, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut! I don't want to come across as not being able to say that I am wrong about something, nor do I want my people to feel undermined by not fully being on board with their ideas. I honestly never thought about that phrase as anything other than positive reflection on an idea.

[Nnamno]

Syd's comment is sooo correct, and just too cool and hilarious!! Definitely need more 'Syds' for the 'Logans' of this world!

[Lex]

For some of these, the wording is fine but the tone/delivery is everything. Others can be edited for condescension. For example, instead of, "I think what Pat is trying to say is ... " how 'bout "Pat, if I understand you correctly, you're saying X. Have I got that right?"

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get to the bottom line, there's nothing wrong with wanting to base decisions on facts and there's nothing wrong with asking someone to deal at a later meeting with off-agenda items/questions that come up. People's time is valuable: Meetings need to have specific agendas and need to start and end on time. Any meeting of more than two or three people needs a gatekeeper to keep the conversation from wandering off track. It also needs someone to write down what's decided, who's going to be responsible for what and by when and to circulate that info in writing to meeting attendees as soon after the meeting as possible. For regularly scheduled meetings with basically the same people there every time, rotate the gatekeeper and scribe duties from meeting to meeting.

Also, when I was managing groups of direct reports, I rotated the responsibility for leading the meetings, including preparing and circulating the agenda in advance (usually but not always in consultation with me), moderating the discussion during the meeting and making sure the meeting started and ended on time.

[Ursa]

Hi Gretchen,
Thank you very much for your work.
I came across this post while looking for advice on how to deal with a difficult coworker. It is amazing how well you described my coworker. This person uses many of these statements at our work as a way to assert his authority over other people. I think he must be feeling threatened by others who are assuming more responsibility.
Have you found any ways to deal with such people? I'd like to create a better working environment for everyone, including this unhappy person.
Thank you very much. Your writing is wonderful. Now that I've found your blog, I'll definitely visit again.