This Wednesday: Eight psychological terms to help you strengthen your friendships.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight psychological terms to help you strengthen your friendships.

Ancient philosophers and modern scientists agree: the most essential key to happiness is strong relationships with other people.

We all have many kind of relationships that contribute to our happiness, and one of the most important is our friendships. My happiness-project resolutions aimed at friendship include “Cut people slack,” “Show up,” “Make three friends,” “Bring people together,” “Remember birthdays,” “No gossip,” and “Say hello.”

Here are eight psychological terms and principles that I’ve found helpful as I’ve been trying to build and strengthen my friendships.

1. Triadic closure. In a phenomenon called “triadic closure,” people tend to befriend the friends of their friends – and this is very satisfying. Friendships thrive on inter-connection, and it’s both energizing and comforting to feel that you’re building not just friendships, but a social network. I now make much more of an effort to help my friends become friends with each other, and to befriend friends’ friends. (Total non sequitur: “befriend friends’ friends” is quite a phrase! Bad writing, but I couldn’t resist.)

2. Emotional contagion. “Emotional contagion” is a strong psychological effect in which we “catch” the happy, sad, or angry moods of others. Someone in a happy, energetic mood will help boost the moods of others, and obviously, this creates a very pleasant atmosphere. Unfortunately, negative moods are more contagious than positive moods; if I’m crabby, I can trigger a wave of crabbiness in my friends. I’m trying to do a better job of living up to my duty to be happy.

3. The mere exposure effect. Familiarity breeds affection. The "mere exposure effect" describes the fact that repeated exposure makes people like music, faces -- even nonsense syllables -- better. Because of the "exposure principle," the more often a person sees another person, the more intelligent and attractive that person will be ranked. So I try to put myself in situations where I’m going to see a lot of the same people over and over.

4. Fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error is a psychological phenomenon in which we tend to view other people’s actions as reflections of their characters, and to overlook the power of the situation to influence their action. In other words, we over-emphasize the role that personality plays in shaping others’ behavior, and under-emphasize the role of outside forces. I assume that the guy in the drugstore is an inconsiderate jerk because he rushed ahead of me to get to the counter, when in fact, he’s very considerate, and he’s rushing to get home with the medicine for his sick girlfriend.

5. Warmth. Attraction is reciprocal; we tend to like people more when we think the like us. So if I’m friendly and openly pleased to see someone person, that person is more likely to feel friendly toward me. Instead of playing it cool, I try to show a lot of warmth.

6. Smiling. As obvious as it seems, studies do show that we’re perceived as more friendly when we smile more (it also helps to have an expressive face, to nod, to lean forward, to have a warm tone). The sheer amount of time smiling makes a very big difference on perceived friendliness.

7. Subliminal touching. Studies show that subliminal touching – that is, touching touching a person so unobtrusively that it’s not noticed – dramatically increases that person’s sense of well-being and positive feelings toward the toucher. And vice versa. This fleeting touching might be something like touching a person’s back as you walk through a door, or touching his or her arm for emphasis.

8. Situation evocation. In situation evocation, we spark a response from people that reinforces a tendency we already have — for example, if I act irritable all the time, the people around me are probably going to treat me with less patience and helpfulness, which will, in turn, stoke my irritability. If I can manage to joke around, I’ll evoke a situation in which the people around me were more likely to joke around, too. In other words, I make my own weather.

As with many aspects of happiness, people often assume that friendship should flow easily and naturally, and that trying to "work" on it is forced and inauthentic. But in the bustle of everyday life, it's easy to forget to take time for our real priorities. Since I've started trying to keep my happiness-project resolutions, I've found that my friendships have expanded and deepened. It's worth the effort.

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A while back, I posted about getting my "Style Statement" with Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. Now they have a book, Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design, and I just got my copy.

The “style statement” is a two-word phrase that sums up your personal style. It’s descriptive, but also prescriptive, because it not only describes you, it’s meant to help you think about your decisions and actions with more insight into what makes you happy. The first word in the phrase describes your dominant style, and the second word, the individual edge – in an 80/20 balance. For example, I’m “Constructive Insouciant.”

The book helps you figure out your own “style statement” and, knowing that, to think about how you might bring your life into better alignment with your style. Thinking about being “Constructive Insouciant” has given me real insight into certain decisions I’ve made.

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Comments

[kadavy]

Very nice! One that I'm happy that I know about is Excitation Transfer Theory ( http://snipr.com/26iof ), which essentially states, that we can't distinguish between different types of arousal (fear, exercise, sexual), and often arousal from a stimuli continues on long after our contact with that stimuli. This causes us to compound our attribution of that arousal to the stimuli at hand.

For example, if I went jogging this morning, by afternoon, I may still be aroused, but not even know it. Then if I get into an argument with someone, I may attribute all of my arousal to that argument, and be more angry at that person than if I had not gone jogging. Something good to be aware of, indeed!

This theory also helps explain why taking a date to a scary movie, or on a roller coaster, may make them more attracted to you :)

[Fred Schechter]

First of all, putting Fundamental Attribution Error into my head does a lot! (gotta remember that).

I'm also very curious of more or less the opposite of Fundamental Attribution and Situation Evocation, where there are common sitatutions with certain humans that, in no way are ever able to be turned to happier situations. It is likely that the situations I'm thinking of are based in fundamental attribution situations, where a positive (funny) situation evocation is used, and dismissed greatly where the situation, is no where near as serious as it's being made out to be, but the other person maintains their needless anger. To magnify the situation I personally tend to internalize when that happens and feel it's my fault,, (Arrgh (I think I probably needed to pay a fortune for that bit of knowledge!))

Ok, that was likely a huge rambling mess, I hope it means something to anyone else.

Gretchen, thanks so much for such a great blog! It's a wonderful read!

[Alan Bucknam]

This is nifty. And it also applies to building a brand people trust (sorry: as a marketing guy it's hard to know where the line between personal and professional development is). And as you say, any contact that is "forced", is ultimately self-defeating, in terms of developing a bond of any kind...just watch politicians or out-of-touch megacorporations try it and you'll see some good examples.

[Julie Ann]

I've given you a blog award based on creativity, design, interesting material, and contribution to the blogging community. See it here: http://jshahin.blogspot.com

[PC]

Great post! My one quibble:

Instead of playing it cool, I try to show a lot of warmth.

This is a little tricky, because people who always make the first gesture of friendliness can sometimes be perceived as needy. I know there is a difference between a centered, generous warmth and "pleeeease like me" stickiness, but I think that different situations require different degrees of outgoingness. It takes a little bit of skill to navigate between the two extremes.

Or maybe it's just cuz I'm from New York.

[m]

err touching would be the one thing that WOULD REALLY PUT ME OFF A PERSON. My attitude is back off until I've known you at least 5 years... joking only slightly - are you sure that subliminal touching really something that works - even the lightest touch I notice and dislike intensely

[Maya]

I can't stand when people touch me (i.e., casual acquaintances). I very much notice it: hands off!
I like your blog, but these seem like tips on how to be phony. I can actually picture someone I know who does a lot of these, and she somehow bothers me. I think it's because I know that she's a phony beotch.

[Missty]

Great but I need more guidance on how to make friends and not seeming needy

[purplefreak]

to M and Maya. WOW. sorry to be blunt but you guys have issues :) I respect everybody's personal space at all times, and was never huggy or touchy until I fell in with a new group and they are mostly genuine.

Everyone (I thought) could tell a genuine friendly touch (arm, shoulder, non-invasive, either to make a point or to 'guide') from a pervy, unwanted sale-person-type persuasive touch.

But we all have different perspectives and we all have our own filters that we put UPON other people...why are they touching me? what do they want? - suspicion from past events of being touched? On the other hand, if someone is upset, do you put a hand on their arm or back to comfort them? To wait 5 years to do so seems extremely cold. But hey - you only get back what you put put out there in the universe, so go figure !

I'm with Gretchen on this one :)

[bankruptcy records]

Instead of playing it cool, I try to show a lot of warmth.

This is a little tricky, because people who always make the first gesture of friendliness can sometimes be perceived as needy. I know there is a difference between a centered, generous warmth and "pleeeease like me" stickiness, but I think that different situations require different degrees of outgoingness. It takes a little bit of skill to navigate between the two extremes.

Or maybe it's just cuz I'm from New Jersey.

[bankruptcy records]

True friendships are so hard to find. I mean ones that stand the test of years of pressures and joys. Anything that can enrich the experience of that is good in my book.

[bankruptcy discharge]

Real friendships last forever.