Just the thought of this makes me unhappy: unjust accusation.

I have many odd quirks, and one quirk is that I can’t stand the theme of unjust accusation. That means I can’t read any book, or watch any movie or play, that deals with that subject. No Atonement, Othello, Oliver Twist, The Fugitive, The Shawshank Redemption, etc. A brilliant friend of mine just wrote a novel that looks fantastic, Scottsboro, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read it yet -- because it's about the Scottsboro case! I just can’t bear to see someone unjustly accused.

I never thought about what this meant about my own character – until yesterday.

Something happened that raised the possibility that I might have screwed something up. I don’t think I did screw up, but my reaction gave me pause: at the mere hint of the possibility that I might have screwed up, I became furious, defensive, and combative.

I wanted to prove that I hadn’t done anything wrong, and to attack anyone who might suggest that I had.

In a work environment, I’ve trained myself to be better about this. A long time ago, when I started working, my father told me, “If you’re willing to accept blame, people will give you responsibility,” and I’ve found that to be absolutely true. Somehow, at work, I find this less difficult, but in my private life, I absolutely hate to be thought in the wrong, even about the smallest things.

My reaction, I see, is distinctly unhelpful. Instead of being defensive, I want to be open to correction. Instead of being angry, I want to be light-hearted. Instead of being belligerent, I want to be constructive.

As I learned in a work context, people are made anxious by free-floating blame that hasn’t settled. Once someone says, “I messed up,” “That was my fault,” or “I’m sorry,” everyone can relax, forgive, and move on. Getting angry or accusatory, though, makes things worse.

I need to remind myself of this more often. I don’t want to take the blame for things I didn’t do, but I do need to follow my Ninth Commandment to “Lighten up” (see left column). I’m not perfect, I do make mistakes, it’s not a big deal.

It's hard for me to remember this in the moment when I'm feeling unjustly accused. Still working on it.

*
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Comments

[Valerie]

Have you read first ourselves blog? She is so real and honest about the issues in her life, I think you would enjoy it. Always remember to laugh at yourself mistakes and all...there will always be a better day or the chance to make things better.

[Zach]

No life could possibly be complete without having seen The Shawshank Redemption. It is the film masterpiece of the 20th century, a work that will stand the test of time for centuries, like Shakespeare. If you don't rush out and see it immediately, then you're not serious about your own happiness. I'm actually quite serious - there is something to be said of a person that cannot appreciate a beautiful, even perfect, work of art of any kind, whether manmade or something natural like the Grand Canyon. I enjoy your blog btw, keep it up.

[Jack Payne]

How I wish everyone was as concerned as you are about wrongly accusing someone else of something that they did not do. Unfortunately the world is filled with scamsters etc who would go to any length to get what they want even if it means ruining someone else's life. I research on scams, identity thefts and a whole range of issues for my blog - http://legalthriller.blogspot.com/ and my books and you won't believe some of the things I have come across. But I am glad in my research I have also found a few decent people who are genuinely concerned about the well being of others.

Jack

[JJ Loch]

Great post about accepting the blame. Do you think this has to do with how one's parents treated us...if we made a mistake the world was over, or if we made a mistake, we received a patient smile?

JJ :D

[Ajay]

Gretchen, make time to read "Mistakes were made (but not by me),
by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson. It's the best explanation I have ever found for how we all believe we are right and reasonable - in the face of factual evidence to the contrary! Very good for people who are hard on themselves and others ; ) It's two social psychologists explaining the mechanism which makes ALL people justify their behavior.From the jacket - "to err is human, to rationalize, even more so".
all the best to you, Ajay

[Deonne]

I'm the same - if I do make a mistake I am apoplectic if I'm discovered. Generally I try to fix it before anyone finds out, but that doesn't always happen. It's as if my entire reputation/self-worth will crumble if someone finds out.

But the flip side is when other people make mistakes, it's no big deal. We handle it and move on. That inability to forgive myself like I can forgive others is something I've been working on for years, with little progress.

[MJ]

Me too - I have the same reaction. To touch on the "childhood influences" issues in the comments, I grew up with a parent and grandparent who both appeared to be unable to deal with injustice - they'd get terribly depressed, cry about the plight of someone/something in somewhere, rail about how there could be no God, etc. For months, or years (I think that both had screws loose). And any mistake that I made was The End of The World and fuel for more railing and tears for years (and we're talking about minor mistakes here or differences of opinion being fuel for the "you'll be nothing, you'll be a loser, oh God why why why..." phone call). I just figure they were all nuts when I look back now.

I have different issues, I'm fueled by anger and disgust that everyone can't just buckle down and do right and be right every freaking time they do something. Unjust blaming, rumor mongering, shirking responsibility etc. especially in the workplace really lights me up - I have to be careful now that my normal reaction (ripping off the offender's head, scorching them with a tirade and considering them dead to me forever and attempting to cut them out of all work and contact) is seen to be a little "strong" at work. Then again, I work with people who won't deal with issues and I was born to carry a sharp flaming spear and use it often. If it were up to me we'd be firing people regularly and tossing the worst right out of the window with their personal belongings to save time.

I suspect that my lack of forgiveness and desire to torch and toss wrongdoers comes from growing up with a nutty family - the constant tears and rants drove me nuts and I would have fired them if I could have too.

That said, Shawshank was amazing - the story is even better than the film too.

[Diane Forest-Hill]

I always, always own up to my mistakes, because at some point they are going to get found out. Being told I've done something I haven't will annoy me; if it is then insisted that I have done something I haven't, then I will get angry.

Unjust accusation always smacks to me of laziness. If the wrong person is being accused, it's because assumptions have been made without thorough investigation. But then to paraphrase Red in The Shawshank Redemption: everyone in jail is innocent.

If I make a mistake it can ruin my whole day depending on the reactions of other people, especially at work. I think I know where this comes from. My Dad is a perfectionist, and this trait in him came from always having to try to placate a violent father even though it didn't work. And I've picked up the perfectionist trait. The best thing anyone can do when I start chucking my toys out of the pram is go away and let me calm down. Then tell me how serious or not it is and then we can look at how to go forward from there.

And, what might seem odd to some, if someone laughs at me while I'm throwing a tantrum I instantly restore. Well, if they're laughing at me, the situation can't be all that bad, can it?

And you must see The Shawshank Redemption. How Andy, unjustly accused, manages himself, the others around him and the system is a lesson to us all in patience, resourcefulness and passive rebellion in the face of injustice.

[Mrs. Micah]

That's why I can't watch atonement. I'm a perfectionist and most of the time I do things right. When I don't, I hate myself for it. But worse....when I get accused of being the one who screwed up and I didn't, then I hate the other person.

I'll remember you and the 9th commandment next time. That might help.

[MJ]

Atonement was incredibly overhyped - you aren't missing anything, Mrs. Micah (other than a lot of over-writing).

[Thomas]

I used be silent when I did something wrong and hope no-one would find out. I still do sometimes. However I have found out it is much better to be pro-active tell people what you did wrong and take action to correct this.
I still remember the feeling when you know you did something and someone comes close to find out. You just stand there with a funny stomach and pray!
The advantage of being pro-active is you feel much healthier in the process.

[m]

Hey there, I ran into your website after reading your other books recently and found the 40 ways rather interesting.

Coincidently my friends/collegues and I have been working on our happiness project for close to a year. Our work is based a lot more in mythology, science (neurobiology) and NLP. This is part of the reason I wanted to reach out to you.

We run a series of podcasts and are building out a collboration platform around key ideas which can act as catalysts of change . You can find our intent and what we are trying to do here on this link http://www.radicalchangegroup.com/blog/2008/02/03/call-for-collaborators-on-open-source-platform-for-education/

We were wondering that there might be some very interesting synergies and perhaps some creative dissent/enhancement of our ideas/experiments with happiness and would like to see if you would be willing to talk to us about this project and perhaps if things work out for both do some creative podcasts with us on the what we are both calling our Happiness projects.

I eagerly look forward to hearing from you.

with warmest regards and respect

M
For The Radical Change Group

[Helen]

Gretchen, perhaps gently starting to experience this theme through film and literature would give you an opportunity to observe and explore your reactions to unjust accusation in a safe space? It might be a valuable to try reading a little of your friend's book, while contemplating the reactions it evokes.

[Jenny]

Wonderful, wonderful post. Thanks so much for that, Gretchen; I needed it. I especially like your father's quote ... that is SO true.

[Jamie]

Wow, I have the same issue! I never thought to delve into the "why" of it before today. I think it was because of the way I was raised... with millions of excuses for everything, my Mom taught me how not to take responsibility for anything. Excuses, excuses... I could go on forever. Thanks for your isights.

[Barbara]

I've referred to this as my "justice framework". When I need "justice" (according to my judgments--argh) I know I've gotten off track. Back to "do what you can" and then go on to things that you can do something about.

[Rebecca]

Very thought-provoking post! I, too, hate to see anyone unjustly accused and hate to be unjustly accused myself. OTOH, I also hate to make mistakes and be seen as less than perfect! I come from a fault-finding family and my worst character defect is being critical and judgmental.

There's a wonderful saying in the Al-Anon literature: "What other people think of me is none of my business." It reminds me that you really can't correct an unjust accusation or stop a false rumor and generally just make things worse if you try.

[Mark]

Maybe just because I'm a movie buff, I wonder if you also have a hard time watching Hitchcock movies, where "the wrong man" is a strong recurring theme. Ever seen "North by Northwest"?

[CW]

Owning up to one's true mistakes and transgressions is often difficult and unpleasant, but in the long run, it relieves anxiety. But to be unfairly accused of wrongdoing is infuriating, because one feels there is no adequate defense.

I have a real problem with this. I can keep a cool head under most circumstances, but a false accusation leveled at me really raises my hackles! Even something as minor as someone attributing a statement to me that I didn't make will make me angry.

Something you said struck me: "I’m not perfect, I do make mistakes, it’s not a big deal." I don't need to take the blame for something I didn't do, but instead of giving in to the anger impulse, I can remind myself that even though I'm not guilty in this case, I do make mistakes, I do commit acts that are wrong, I'm not perfect -- and, accepting that about myself, realize that it's really not important if sometimes I'm wrongly accused; this too shall pass. My obligation is to be responsible for my own behavior, and strive to do my best, and to do good rather than evil deeds. But sometimes I will slip up, as we all do. And that's OK. Tomorrow is another day!

Thanks for sharing your insights and your research!

[Margaret Novak]

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/give-officer-daniel-fernandez-his-life-back

Someone I am very close to was unjustly accused of a crime 3 years ago and it is now just coming to trial. It has taken a horrible toll on his family and his health. He is an honest man, caught in a corrupt system. It breaks my heart that people must endure such tragedies in our "free" and "just" country. I have included a link above this entry and if anyone is interested in helping this man's cause, I would greatly appreciate it if you took a look and signed our petition!