The happiness of stopping my daughter’s tantrums.

The Little Girl is a charming, ebullient, sweet-natured three-year-old. She also had a habit of throwing MASSIVE tantrums. Kicking, screaming, throwing things, pulling glasses off people’s faces…it was bad.

It seemed so uncharacteristic of her, I kept thinking she’d outgrow it. She was so happy and friendly. We made excuses: she was overtired, she had a cold, she didn’t like rushing around. But the tantrums didn’t go away, and it became a real drag. We started calling her “the girl with curl”:

There was once a girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good
And when she was bad, she was horrid.

Finally, I admitted I needed to take direct action. Her tantrums were putting a cloud over our family life, plus I realized that I was adjusting my expectations – I was putting up with behavior I would never have tolerated with the Big Girl, because I didn’t want to deal with a tantrum. Not good. And on the other hand, there were pleasures I wasn’t permitting the Little Girl, because I knew she’d throw a tantrum when we said “Not now” or “It’s time to stop.” We never let her watch any TV, for example, even though I would otherwise have been happy to let her watch a Sesame Street episode or part of a Wiggles DVD, because of the certainty of the tantrums that would follow when the TV was switched off.

There’s a Buddhist saying that I’ve found to be uncannily accurate: “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” My teacher appeared in the form of Beth Lisick, when I read her book, Helping Me Help Myself.

I’d read the book, because Beth Lisick did her own kind of happiness project: she spent a year following the advice of ten self-help gurus.

One of the gurus she followed was Thomas Phelan, author of 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. Beth Lisick explained all the reasons she resisted following the simple program in the book (it boils down to counting calmly "1, 2, 3" and if your kid is still misbehaving, enforcing a short time-out, with no emotion and no talking) but in desperation, she tried it, and it worked. Like magic.

Okay. If it worked for Beth and her son, maybe it would work for us. I bought the book. I tried it. And you know what? It worked. Like magic. It didn’t completely stop the tantrums – the Little Girl still throws it down, from time to time, but less often, and for a much shorter amount of time, and we know how to react when she does.

A big comfort as a parent, I’ve discovered, is having a strategy. I need a theory of how to behave. This book gave me a tool to use when I didn’t know what to say or how to react. Even if it doesn’t always work, I know that I’m being consistent and reasonable. That feels a lot better than just flailing around, saying and doing whatever comes into my head at a difficult moment.

A lot of people would say, “I’d never use 1-2-3 Magic! I don’t like time-outs. That’s not the kind of parent I am.” I would have said exactly the same thing, as the mother of the Big Girl. But the Little Girl is different, and for us now, 1-2-3 Magic has been very helpful.

So, if you’ve got a tantrum-y kid, I would recommend giving it a try. Has anyone else had good, or bad, experience with it?

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Organ donation is a cause that interests me greatly, and I was very encouraged to see this post in Gimundo about an Ontario fund to help with living expenses incurred by patients awaiting for their transplants. What a great idea.

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I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

I've heard from a few people that the link might not be working properly, so I'm off to investigate that right now!

Comments

[issy]

My "Little Girls" are now 21 & 24 and doing very well in their chosen lives. I started the 1-2-3 when they were 1 & 4. the first time I had to hold them squirming in their corners (1 minute for each year of age). After that I didn't even have to say 1-2-3, I would just lift up one finger, then the second & the two of them would dash to do what I asked. And I was never mean about it, it just was and they knew it.

Remember, the most important thing about raising kids is that they know they are loved by you. And (as teens) that you are on their side.

[Katherine]

Know exactly where you're coming from! With my two it's the older child having the tantrums - and yes, he misses out because so often I feel it's not worth putting ourselves through the trauma at the end of what should be a treat. I find counting to five helps, he's learned that he needs to act by the time I reach five or there will be consequences, usually putting a favourite toy into time out (It's so hard to physically put him into time out, it's usually a huge fight, we find that removing toys works for us.) A book which I found helpful was Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka - if your child has tantrums about what colour their sunhat is (oh yeah!) getting dressed, being first into the car, going home etc etc. Some kids are just "more" than other kids, and this book recognises that. Hope it helps.

[Kristin]

I'm honestly curious what the reasons are for negative views of time-outs. I'm 24 years old, and I very clearly remember my mother implementing two minute time-outs (or two minute silence) whenever my sister and I got too rowdy or loud, usually when riding in the car. Even if we managed to "silently" mess with each other during the two minutes (which I suspect were often quite longer, since Mom didn't usually tell us when they were up), we calmed down significantly as a result.

In any case, I'm glad you found something that works with your daughter! Kudos to you for being willing to try new things like that, and thanks for reporting what works for you!

[molly]

Like Issy, I count to 5 and follow up w/ consequences of toy/privilege removal. Until recently, my youngest (4) thought that the counting was the consequence and would say "okay ....please don't count!"

[Jennifer]

My 3 year old daughter did exactly what you are talking about and when she was into her 2nd your of screaming out on our lawn of our parents cabin ... I was VERY VERY embarrassed my mom's neighbor said to me Hey, Jennifer come here. I said Ok. I'm sorry about my daughter. She said Oh, that is why I wanted you to come over here. (My mom's neighbor is a child counselor. ) She said you should be glad that she is throwing a tantrum at 3!! I said really? She said yes, because if they don't do it at 3 then its usually 7 and then if not at 7 then their teen age years. It's there way of pulling away from the parents and becoming independent. She said that obviously its really hard on the parents if they do it in the teen age years. She said your lucky if they do it very young! Sooo that has always stuck with me and now that my daughter is in her teens (the one that threw 2 hour tantrums)I'm still holding on to my neighbors wisdom. So far so good! My daughter is becoming very wise already and has it together.. I'm crosssing my fingers anyway... My 2nd daughter never has had a tantrum and she's 11. Sooooo I'm worried.:) So lets hear it for 3 year old tantrums! Its better!

[Susan]

It's good to be consistent and to find the method that works with your child....I too didn't like the idea of "time out" but it works well with our child...It is similar to having a "quiet time" to consider her actions...something they do at her school. She needs to know that her actions have consequences--and that she can empower herself to avoid certain consequences--I know, that's a lot for 3 years old but they are working on autonomy and independence!!! I can now count to 2 and rarely get to 3. I also know that she rarely gets too upset unless she is hungry or really tired (like most of us!!)

[Chris]

I was so excited about the 1-2-3 method....until it backfired on me. Turns out that counting down on anxiety-ridden children only increases their anxiety, which then increases the severity of the tantrum. My advice is: if the 1-2-3 method doesn't work, if standard rewards and punishments don't work--seek professional help. Sometimes a tantrum is more than a tantrum! The book our therapist is having us read is "The Explosive Child". I'm also finding "Raising a Sensory Smart Child" to be very helpful as well.

[HuntGrunt]

As a child, I threw tantrums at the shoe store. For some reason, I felt very fearful and vulnerable when my shoes were off. Maybe because I wouldn't be able to flee in case of a sudden emergency. At any rate, I think I threw tantrums when my safety and security , or my sense of order, were threatened. And when I was made to do things not my way without the ability to explain.

[Stacy]

As a nanny for over 10 years, I find this method to be pretty reliably effective. More than anything children need BOUNDARIES and the 2-5 year olds are very very good at trying to find out just how far they can push you until they get their way. Even the sweetest child needs to know what the rules are, and what the parent will do if the rules are broken. Children actually prefer this to having everything very laid back - they thrive on structure. If you stick to your guns they will soon learn that tantrums are ineffective, and that its OK to feel upset but they need to use words, or take some quiet time to think things through. It's not about being mean or punishing them - it is about helping them to better deal with their emotions. You are doing them a disservice if you allow them to scream and hit and flail about until the adult gives in to their demands. This isn't a good way to learn about how the world works. Good luck Gretchen, I'm sure that the Little Girl will get the point very soon! :-)

[Sandie Law]

When we had our son, my husband and I talked a lot about discipline and strategies. It sounds weird, but we often likened raising a child to training a dog. You must be consistent, firm, and reward good behavior immediately.

We used time outs with MonkeyBoy because they worked. You have to figure out what works for your kid (and each one is different) and stick with it. If time outs work well for Little Girl, keep it up.

My son has told us (now that he's old enough to talk about this) that he appreciates knowing what the rules are and that they don't change all the time.

[Laura Healy]

We had a GREAT experience with 123 Magic (which my pediatrician recommended). My son was tantruming at 3 and into 4 and as long as we remembered the 123 counting thing it worked. Even now, (he's 7) when he's refusing to cooperate (like getting out of the tub after his bath) all I have to say is "one" and he's on his way out before I get to "two".

We used time outs initially, but now that he's so much older we usually take away a privilege for a certain amount of time (like computer time or video games).

My boy likes structure and I think the structure of 123 appealed to him. He has a warning and he always has time to choose to do the right thing.

Good luck!

[Liz]

We were close to the end of our rope when I pulled 1-2-3 Magic off a bookstore shelf almost at random. It's worked great for us, although my husband forgets the rules for what types of situations it works for (behaviour they shouldn't do) and what it doesn't (behavior they should be doing, like putting on shoes).

I really doubted the book's author when he said the child would walk themselves to their time out, but my kids actually did.

Now the four year old rarely gets to 2, and never gets to 3. The two year old likes to push it, but as the author says, what's worse, counting to 2 or 3, or arguing about behavior for 20 minutes?

Good luck!

[Liz]

I thought of one other book that has helped us with our toddlers. The Happiest Toddler on the Block has a technique of reflecting the toddler's feelings back to them to make them feel understood. It worked well for calming down our oldest, but the youngest quickly found it annoying!

[M]

I showed my daughter what she looked like when she had a tantrum. I just put a mirror in front of her face and she stopped to gaze at herself. She obviously did not like what she saw and never did it again.

[pkzcass]

It worked very well for me when my boys were younger. They're 9 and 12, so the tantrum thing is almost over, but I never got to the second part of the book about motivating them. I must go home and read that section as nowadays I'm left scratching my head...

[Ella]

My older child is very easy and my younger one (who, I suspect, won't be) isn't at the tantrum age yet. But I don't even understand why anyone would be anti-time out. What's the alternative -- yelling back? Giving in? Spanking? Time outs would seem to be the most non-confrontational but effective way of dealing with tantrums.

Anyway, I have a copy of 1-2-3 on my shelf, just waiting for my littler one to get to that phase; it was a gift from my pediatrician when the older one turned two. I've heard consistently good things about it.

[Harriet Cabelly]

I'm an early childhood social worker in the public schools. I do a lot of parenting workshops and I use the 1-2-3-Magic video and the sequel - More 1-2-3-Magic- very often. Dr.Phelan has a fabulous way of explaining ideas on child rearing in a manner that resonates to all. His "little adult assumption" touches everyone. It's a great concept that we as parents all know deep down, but we act towards our children in quite the opposite way. It's very amusing. Many classroom teachers use this method as well. Parents report success, but only if they're consistent; and that seems to be the biggest problem - parental inconsistency. Kids in general function well in structured, predictable environments with well defined expectations and consequences.
Another great book on parenting is "Blessings of a Skinned Knee" by Wendy Mogul.
As always, thanks for the great post and of course blog.

[Ana]

Children are not happy unless they feel an envelope of beneficent authority surrounding them. This is so much so that studies prove not only toddlers but even infants will move from a contented to a fussy, attention-demanding emotional space as soon as Mom begins any activity gratifying to herself as opposed to serving of the family at large. An urge that immediate in the moment has a huge influence on log-term needs, and the need for a structure which allows the child to delineate in his or her own mind between right and wrong is deeply inrained in human children.

Dispassionate as well a rigorously consistent discipline is excellent because it does not give the child any extra emotional material to feed from in the creation of a new or intensified tantrum. After a few (or more than a few) experiments, they get it that they're going to achieve no gratification in the form of outwardly perceptible emotional change on your part, simply at some point you're going to call your physical power card and peacefully move them to wherever they're going to work through their time out & whatever expressions of renewed awareness of family harmony they have been assigned.

My daughter ran the blood of a diagnosed criminal genius in her veins along with mine (which, while not criminal is, well, let's say unorthodox in essence). Disciplining her was very difficult, as we had taught her non-materialism so successfully that she was equipped to shrug off the loss of even a favorite plaything, and so physically tough that one had to actually hurt her to hurt her. Although the 1-2-3 had just been invented then & I hadn't read it, I found by insinct and experiment that its basic methods proved to be the only effective way to deal with her constructively in the moment. Today she distinguishes herself in her specialized work with autistic children, making her not only a functioning but a contributing member of society!

[Analee]

Children need a framework of discipline around them -- so badly, in every moment, that research has proven that not only toddlers but even infants will move quickly from a contented to a needy emotional space as soon as Mom begins any activity which gratifies herself rather than serving the family at large.

Lack of emotion along with absolute consistensy in discipline deprives the child of any emotional fuel with which to enlarge her tantrum. After a few (or more than a few) experiments, she gets it that she'll not succeed in generating for herself the gratification of any emotional change on your part; simply, eventually, her peaceful removal to some spot where she can work out her time-out. It is good, in more peaceful times, to share the reality that you feel very bad when you have to dish out those time-outs, just as she does in receiving them, so that she will know she is loved and missed when she's freaking out as well as when she's being good...

My daughter inherited some wild, wild blood through her father's side, and mine's not what one would call tame either. Though the 1-2-3 had just been written then & I hadn't read it, I found by instinct and experimentation that its principles outlined the only effective and affirmative way to deal with her at times of conflict. Today she distinguishes herself in her work with autistic children -- making of her not only a functional but a contributing citizen! Yay!

[Tessa]

I have just read 1 2 3 Magic and although it's a method I've already used and seen success with I learned some new tricks and the extra details (no talking, no emotion) that will definitely come in handy- when it seems the counting is just not doing it's trick. I would recommend having a solid foundation at home with your kids before trying to take them into public and expect the counting to work. Guaranteed if it doesn't work at home then it's not going to work or get better when they have an audience! It's straightforward for both you and your children and it's easy- what more could you ask for??

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