YOUR Happiness Project: Acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

In the comments the other day, a reader recommended How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I couldn’t agree more. I think this is the best parenting book out there.

One of that book’s most important lessons is simple, and just as applicable to adults as to children: acknowledge the reality of other people’s feelings. Don’t deny feelings like anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance; instead, articulate the other person’s point of view.

Sounds easy, right? Wrong. I had no idea how often I contradicted other people’s assertions of their feelings until I tried to quit. “You always have fun when we go.” “You should be thrilled, this is great news.” “It won’t be that much work.”

The other day, I had a chance to put this principle to work. I was in the bedroom when the Big Girl burst in, crying. I knew it was real crying, and not fake crying, because the Big Girl has a very convenient “tell” when she’s staging her tears. If she balls up her hands and holds them to her eyes, like an actress in a melodrama, she’s faking. This time, her hands were down, so I knew she was really upset.

I pulled her onto my lap, and she sobbed into my shoulder, “People always pay attention to the Little Girl but nobody ever pays any attention to me.” Now, it isn’t factually true that no one ever pays any attention to the Big Girl, but I managed to restrain my first impulse, which was to argue, “What about the five games of Uno I played with you last night?” and “You know everyone loves you just as much as the Little Girl.”

Instead, I said, “Wow, that hurts your feelings. You feel ignored.” I rocked her for a few minutes without saying anything, then said, “You feel like people pay more attention to the Little Girl.” We sat in silence for a while. She seemed to be getting calmer. Then I said, “You’re our most precious, darling girl, and no one would ever forget about you, or think that someone else is more important than you.” Then she got off my lap and skipped off!

Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. That sure seemed to be what happened.

This principle is just as true for adults. Recently, I undertook a MAJOR household project. Which, I admit, I did with about zero grace – but I did do it. The Big Man was well aware of my simmering resentment. Just before I was about to start the biggest part of it, he looked around and said, “Well, this doesn’t look like it will be too tough.” Wrong thing to say! Probably, he thought he was being comforting or encouraging. Instead, he enraged me. It would have been better to have acknowledged my feelings, by saying something like, “Wow, this looks like a huge job, it’s great that you’re going to do this.” Plus it never hurts to give me some gold stars.

I’ve found, too, that when other people deny or ignore my feelings, I tend to keep repeating myself (i.e., whining), because I don’t feel heard. So, for example, maybe the Big Man doesn’t want to talk about my annoying encounter with the cable guy, and I don’t even particularly feel like talking about it, but until I get my “Wow, that must have been so annoying,” I can’t let it go.

*
I don’t know why I laughed out loud at this story on Gimundo about Hello Kitty becoming Japan’s tourism ambassador – maybe it was the photo.

*
I’m going to start sending out a short monthly newsletter. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Comments

[fiony]

I think very interesting because many people in world not happy in they job ,they life i think happiness can build by themself just think positive!

[HeatherSmedley]

This blog entry really hit home with me, especially the remarks about the "gold stars"! Thanks Gretchen for a great job with this blog.

[Derek Scruggs]

This technique is particularly useful in customer service. On the odd occasion that a customer calls and is pissed off about something, instead of just saying sorry, I say "wow, that must be really frustrating, I can see why we're not your favorite people right now." Just acknowledging their anger goes a long way toward moving beyond the initial rage to focusing on solving the problem.

I wish more companies would do that.

[Paula]

Great post--and timely, as this is a principle that I have been applying (or trying to apply) more in my dealings with others lately.

Marshall Rosenberg goes into great detail about this process of active, empathetic listening in his books and publications, too.

[Mrs. Micah]

I often fight myself trying to do the "rational" thing, which is explain to the person why they're being irrational. But that never works. I wish it would, because sometimes it's so clear. But arguing doesn't often help.

[Amy]

Terrific post, Gretchen; acknowledging feelings always works. One other point--have found it helpful to model responses for relatives, co-workers, friends who overlook, or might not realize the importance of acknowledging feelings.

[Justine]

This post is just singing truth at me. My husband and I both very much want to cultivate good communication with our kids, though we don't plan on starting a family any time soon. You've also encouraged both of us to be more mindful with each other. Thank you, thank you for this wonderful post!

[Carol]

I read this book 15 or so years ago when my children were younger and I was having some problems with one of them. (He had ADD and anger control issues.) The psychologist recommended it to me. In fact, it was an assignment that I was given. It was so helpful to me I don't know how I would have made it without it. At first, my son used to give me funny looks when I would respond to him because my responses were unusual for him to hear. One day, he was so angry and then my response took the wind out of his sails and all he could say was "Have you been reading that book again?"
But, it really worked for us. It defused his anger when I didn't try to negate it.

[Michelle Potter]

I think you just explained to me why I get so upset when I'm managing to "maintain" despite my chronic depression, and my husband talks constantly about how wonderfully everything is going. He's trying to give me those "gold stars," but I feel like he's denying my feelings of really struggling and just barely making it. I'd rather he acknowledge how tenuous and fragile the situation is (and that I need help to keep going) instead of acting like everything is hunky-dory.

[VeRonda]

This is the best story! Thanks for sharing... The advice is extremely useful when thinking of others. I've been applying these same tips (different wording, of course) on my site. You know, you never can get too much good out into the world. Thanks again.

[John Bullock]

How absolutely ironic and coincidental that you mention this book. At my part-time job we have a de-facto library going on at the top of our lockers. It free to all, grab what you like, donate what you are finished with. Yesterday, I 'borrowed' this very book, and as a parent and a teacher, I can say that I have used the information three times already and had some success. I also had some failures, but when I reviewed what I said, I realized that I was a bit off target.
The thing that hit me hardest about this book though was that while I was reading it, part of me was thinking "what a bunch of fuzzy, new age garbage..." until I remembered the argument I had with my best friend in college who said the phrase "you don't really have a right to be angry.."
Logically, he was correct, but that did not stop me from exploding and saying something about 'oh pardon me, next time I will call a judge and get a writ that lets me have an emotion"
When that memory came flashing back and the attached anger (from 10 years ago!) I knew I was on the right track, and maybe in need of a bit of therapy...

[Analee]

Unconditionality of motivation in the rendering of good services to the world is a mandate of the most ancient and most venerated philophies.