Eleven tips for broaching difficult subjects.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 11 tips for broaching difficult subjects.

We’ve all had to start conversations that we dreaded having – everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go more smoothly -- at least, that's the hope.

1. Don’t stall. Let’s say you need to call an acquaintance whom you haven’t seen in a few years to ask for a favor. Don’t chat and chat, then casually mention the favor at the end. You’re not going to fool him about why you called. It’s better to say something like, “It’s so great to talk to you. I really want to catch up and hear everything that’s been going on for the last few years, but first, I have to tell you the reason I called.” Otherwise, the person on the other end tends to feel wary and distracted.

2. Don’t start off angry. If you have to make some sort of charge, of dishonesty or bad service or a screw-up, work yourself into a mild state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations inspire defensiveness. Explain the situation in a straightforward way. Joke around. Show that you’re a reasonable person.

3. This is obvious, but pick your moment. The Big Girl chooses to pester me with her pleas to get her ear pierced just before school, just before bed, or when I’m rifling in the refrigerator with a wolfish look. She couldn’t pick worse times. Look for a moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person, choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her, not for you. Sometimes, when you're dreading saying something, you just want to blurt it out and get it over with -- but by waiting, you might get a better result. (See #8 on this, too.)

4. Think about why the subject is difficult for you. Do you hate to talk about money? Do you shrink from doing anything that smacks of self-promotion? Do you dislike confrontation? Are you afraid of someone? Are you concerned about damaging a relationship? One of the most helpful of my Twelve Commandments is “Identify the problem.” If you examine why you’re dreading a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that’s less upsetting.

5. Are you certain you need to discuss the difficult subject, at all? Often, you do. Sometimes, you don’t. Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation?

6. Don’t ruminate about worst-case scenarios. It’s tempting to imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse than the last. But this usually isn’t helpful. I have a strong tendency to do this, and never once in my experience has the conversation unfolded with any resemblance to what I imagined. It sometimes goes just as poorly as I’d feared, but never in a way that I’d predicted. So unless you’re doing constructive strategizing, don’t allow yourself to indulge in negative fantasies.

7. In direct conflict with the above tip -- it can nevertheless be useful to ask yourself, “What’s the very worst that could happen?” Someone could tell you “No,” or laugh in your face, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly considering the worst-case scenario is actually reassuring. But do this in a focused, realistic, limited way. Don’t spend hours playing out horrible scenes in your mind.

8. Can it wait? If you’re reacting to something that has just happened, can you postpone the confrontation for a day or two? You might well feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach it more productively.

9. Use notes. When you’re emotionally overwrought, it can be hard to remember exactly what was said. If your boss made criticisms of your work, what EXACTLY did he or she say? If you’re at the doctor’s office, what EXACTLY did the doctor say? In some cases, like going to the doctor, you may even want to bring another person with you to help process information. You might also want to bring notes to have a list of the points to cover. You might be so eager to end the conversation that you’d rush out of the room too soon, or you might forget everything you wanted to say or ask in the heat of the conversation.

10. Write a note instead of having a conversation. When writing, you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way, you allow the other person to react privately, with time for reflection. Or you can write a note alerting the person to the fact that a painful conversation is necessary.

11. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you’re going to broach a difficult subject on a particular day, get plenty of sleep and exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well-rested, and calm in body will put you in better spirits.

Obviously, the tips aren’t universally applicable. You wouldn’t take notes when confronting your teenager, and you wouldn’t bring your spouse to your performance review. But by thinking constructively about how to broach a difficult subject, you might make it less painful and more productive, for everyone.

What techniques am I forgetting? What has helped other people in tough situations?

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A thoughtful reader (who, apparently, was also at my college reunion) sent me this link to Seth Godin's terrific blog, in which he writes about Is It Worthy?. He asks himself, "Is this the best I can do?" Fascinating.

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I’ve started sending out a short monthly newsletter that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Comments

[dgm]

All very useful tips. I don't have any to add, but I want to give a special shout out to asking yourself "what's the very worst thing that could happen?" and "why is this so difficult for me?" When I face the prospect of a conversation I don't want to have, these two questions almost always serve to help me focus and calm down. And they make me feel like one of those people who "isn't afraid of confrontation"--not because I'm looking for a fight, but because I'm confident that I'm prepared to handle whatever may go down.

I have taken to having my (almost) 10 year old daughter ask herself these questions when she has to do something she finds difficult (like ask her teacher for another copy of something she has lost). She has a tendency to get wrapped up in and stuck on the fact that she doesn't want to do it, and I'd like to help her get beyond not wanting to do it--none of us does!--to doing it nonetheless.

[Amy]

Great post, Gretchen, especially #6 about worst case scenarios. Along those lines sometimes it's helpful to think through alternatives of what to say and the tone you want to use in conversation. Particularly helpful with intros and ice breakers.

[Shanel Yang]

Be polite, direct, and specific when you ask someone for something you want or need.

First, decide if it is a "want" or a "need" and understand that we can't always have what we want. A "need" is dealbreaker if you don't get it or at least something you are ready to go to the mat for. A "want" is merely something you'd like to have but you are willing to accept if you don't get it.

I think a lot of unhappiness comes from either: (1) us disguising our "needs" as "wants" when we make requests of others; or (2) us falsely believing that all of our "wants" are also our "needs."

Second, and still assuming we are talking about a want and not a need, don't nag, guilt, or whine when making the request. Instead, briefly make a polite, direct, and specific request using "I" statements.

Example:

Start by describing the specific behavior/action that upset you without using judgmental or accusatory words and explain why it upset you using "I" statements:

1. "I felt angry/upset/hurt/jealous [honest feeling, so no one can dispute it] when you looked at [not "gawked/stared at/ogled"] that woman [not "bimbo/floozy/hooker"]."

If they say nothing in response [e.g., does not ask you what you want them to do about it], you might continue with your direct, specific request:

2. "I would appreciate it if you would not look at other women while we're together."

If they say nothing in response [e.g., does not agree to do as you request, here's the hard part:], ACCEPT IT. Or, if you can't, this is really a "need" not a "want." If it is a "need" and not a "want," you can add:

3. "It's very important to me. I don't have a lot of requirements in a relationship, but this is one of them. I just thought I should let you know instead of letting it bother me without telling you."

This is not an ultimatum. It's just letting them know what's important to you. Usually, it opens up discussion about what can be done to satisfy both your needs. If not, then you at least have a clearer view of your options.

Great post, Gretchen!

[Meg Renicker]

Hye Gretchen, those are some very good tips for the week. One thing I've noticed is that there never seems to be good tips for the Personal side of life. Wheher you know someone intimately or casually, there always seems to be one person who has more problems hearing about the difficulties the other one is having with/in the R'ship. It's the area in which one is stronger and one is more insecure leaves one of them hurt; unintentional as this may be, there is an injured party that doesn't happen in any other association in life. The "Worst that could happen" is that you hurt some- one and may lose a friendship forever.

This is just an observation as I sit here pondering your list, which is very good, thanks for it.

Meg

[MJ]

One of my biggest pet peeves is stalling before bad news, from my mom's speech about "I am your friend here, and I don't want you to be angry/upset..." {guess what? I am now!} to my confrontation-averse husband's pantomime/dance of discomfort before he can bring himself to start telling me about the problem {this makes me start yelling immediately "GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! DAMMIT, TELL ME RIGHT NOW!"}

I work in a law firm. I'm used to dropped bombs, or really horrible things said either to me or in front of me about someone else (made worst if followed by laughter) - just spit it out, folks, all of the vulnerable parts of my personality were scorched off long ago. I'm like the Terminator in that movie where Arnold ended up on fire and the little metal skelton Terminator strolled out of the flames. Hit me with your best shot. Telling me that I should not be angry or upset before I hear the bomb whistling down only guarantees that I will be.

The good part of law firm life is that I've been trained instictively to immediately go to the worst case scenario, and if it is NOT death, loss of all assets to the IRS or incarceration then I shrug and figure we can fix it and life will go on.

[Ella]

I particularly like "don't stall." I recently had to ask an acquaintance for a big favor. I called her up, made small talk for about a minute, and said, "I'm calling to ask you for a big favor." She kindly agreed to do it, and then we chatted for a while about other topics. I think if I'd pretended that I was calling to chat and THEN asked for the favor, she would have been completely annoyed.

Oh, one other thing - in asking for favors (which I always dread), I think it's good to keep in mind another point you have made in the past - asking someone for a favor often makes him or her happy. In this instance, I think my acquaintance was genuinely happy to help me out, so it was a net gain for both of us.

[Jeff Mac]

Great list. Especially, as others have said, number one. We can almost always tell when someone's stalling. Annoying.

One thing that I run into is a related one -- once you get into it, you have to be really clear what you're talking about. You know, when someone tries to "take the edge off" by kind of casually mentioning a small part of the issue.

All this does is make the other person start to brace for impact. As in, "Oh crap, this must be really bad, or why all the tiptoeing around it?"

If the actual subject is difficult already, there's no point in piling more difficulty on top of it. Unless you just really like piling things on top of other things. Which, if that's your thing, knock yourself out I guess.

[Art Gonzalez]

Gretchen, great post. It's my first time here but enjoyed tremendously your suggestions. I would also suggest praying for guidance and wisdom.

Many blessings,

Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: http://www.squidoo.com/quantumknights

[Mykl Roventine]

I love this list and all the insights you've provided for each item. I often get hung up on #2 and it's great to have some other, more productive, options to consider.

[Heather]

Great post - I always find your posts helpful. I'm not sure about #10, though. My husband's ex-housemate used to leave notes to others in the house when she was angry, avoiding talking to them, and it really drove them up the wall. I think a carefully considered note can work, but a random "Please don't leave your dishes in the sink" doesn't help.

[Char]

Gretchen!

This is great stuff! Real life non-theoretical meaningful relevance! Just the tactic refresher that I require for a currently looming friend-also-client conversation!

I am so excited by your project and appreciate the affirming comments posted as well.

[moosy]

The usefulness of these tips are endless. I used them as a checklist for writing a after-love-letter.
It took me three days, but at least I didn't end up sending a letter after which I thought "If only ..."

Thanks,

a fan from Belgium

[Clara]

Thanks for these. I always find it harder to deal with friends because boundaries tend to stretch and get blurred. It's like that old saying, familiarity breeds contempt.

[Gretchen Vaughn]

I was writing about the happiest people in the world when I was reminded of your article in Real Simple and found this wonderful blog.

When we're faced with a cultural misunderstanding, we tend to talk to others or try to ignore the problem rather than broaching the difficult subject with the alleged offender. This often leads to disastrous results.

I'm glad to share these tips for broaching difficult subjects with all of my cultural competency training clients.

culturalfusion.typepad.com