The Happiness Project

Why undertaking a big, complex project can make you happy.

I’ve written before about my fascination with the strange, brilliant Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island by J. M. Barrie.*

A while back, I was reading a biograpy of writer J. M. Barrie,
J. M Barrie and the Lost Boys (Barrie is best known for writing Peter Pan). It made brief mention of a book made by J. M. Barrie using photographs of the four Llewelyn boys he adored. He took photographs of the boys during one summer, then created a story out of the pictures called The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island.*

Barrie made one copy for himself, and one copy for the Llewelyn family, but the boys’ father left their copy on the train, so only one copy of this book exists. I went to visit it at Beinecke Library, the rare books library at Yale, where I went to college and law school (keeping my happiness-project resolution to “Force myself to wander”).

I was blown away by this book. I LOVED it. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Absolutely marvelous, a whole new way of telling a story and keeping a photo album – and Barrie is an extraordinary writer. I’m continually haunted by the opening line: “We set out to be wrecked.”

Fortunately for me, I have a friend who absolutely appreciated the extraordinary genius of the book. In a flash, we decided to do our own project, using our own children, modeled on Barrie. We’ve been planning it now for months (happiness-project resolution: “Take time for projects”).

I ordered two copies of the book from Beinecke – one for me, one for my friend (happiness-project resolutions: “Indulge in a modest splurge” and “Make purchases to further my goals”). My friend and I have been scouting for locations and gathering costumes and props.

Yesterday, we took our first photograph with the four children (we’d already taken one photo, of just the Little Girl, to take advantage of the flowering trees as a background). All the other photographs will be taken outdoors, in Central Park, but we decided to include a “Portrait of the Royal Family” taken indoors. Another friend has an exceptionally ornate living room, so we trucked over to her apartment, decked our children out in faux ermines, velvets, jewels, scepters, crowns, and armor. The children were enthusiastic and cooperative. The result was SPECTACULAR.

I’d been dreading this portrait a bit. I knew it would take a lot of time and energy in the middle of the day on Sunday. Herding two nine-year-olds, a six-year-old, and a three-year-old…it wasn’t going to be easy. But it was so, so worth the effort.

Bertrand Russell observed that “The satisfaction to be derived from success in a great constructive enterprise is one of the most massive that life has to offer.” Now, I think Russell had in mind something like merging two companies, or passing a law, or founding a school. But even a small-scale success in a constructive enterprise is enormously gratifying – not just when you’ve finished, but all along the way. (The unpoetic name for this very powerful source of happiness is “pre-goal attainment positive affect”).

The First Splendid Truth holds that to be happy, we need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth. The more I think about happiness, the more importance I grant to the fourth element, the atmosphere of growth. People crave a feeling of growth, of progress, of mastery, of learning. The slow progress we’re making on this large project is giving a lot of happiness.

Also, everything is more fun with friends. I couldn’t possibly undertake this project by myself. I’d be overwhelmed. Also, I don’t have a lot of the skills involved – my friend can sew and is an eBay fantatic. (You wouldn’t believe the props she has found for us there.) And it wouldn’t be as much fun for me or for my children, without the other family to do it with. Even the Big Man is getting into the spirit of it.

If it weren’t for my Happiness Project, I’m sure I would never have started this project. I wouldn’t have gone to see the book in the Beinecke Library, I wouldn’t have splurged to buy a copy, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to conceive of a big, time-sucking project. Yet again, I marvel at the fact that it really is true: when I diligently live up to my resolutions, they really do bring me happiness.

* Unfortunately, I can't put in a live link to the library's image site. To view The Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island:
Go to the Beinecke Library site
Under “Finding Books, Images, and Manuscripts,” go to ORBIS, the online catalogue
Search by title for "boy castaways"
Hit the blue #2 entry that will come up
Hit the link to "View images from the Beinecke Library's Digital Images Online Database."
This is quick and easy, despite sounding complicated!

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Happiness quotation from Guillaume Apollinaire.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
- Guillaume Apollinaire

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Your Happiness Project: Read something for fun.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

This week -- read something for fun!

I’ve noticed something when I ask people what they’re reading: they often name some highly estimable, dense, serious book, and then confess that they’ve been reading it for months.

I pressed one friend to explain his reading habits. “I just don’t have the time,” he said.

“Well, your books sound a bit dry,” I said. “Why don’t you read something more enjoyable?”

“When I read, I want to learn something,” he said virtuously. “I don’t want to waste my time with something that’s not worthwhile.”

“But you watch a lot of trashy TV,” I pointed out. I happened to know that he was a fan of shows like VH1’s "I Love the Eighties," some reality TV, and lots of sports. “You don’t force yourself to watch nothing but documentaries when you’re watching TV, why shouldn’t you read something more fun?”

He didn’t really answer me. But I think this exchange highlights a problem with the way a lot of people approach reading.

In general, reading is supposed to be fun! Go out and get hold of a book you want to read.

If you find yourself saying things like, “I really ought to read this,” or “I’ll be glad that I read this,” or “This is an important book,” you probably don’t really want to read that book.

Sometimes, of course, we all need to read books that we aren’t particularly interested in—say, for work. I’m lucky in that way, because the way I choose my work subject is by asking myself, “What’s a subject about which I’d like to read 500 books?” And then I read 500 books and write my own book on that subject. Now, not everyone call pull that off, true.

But along with the books I read for work, following my resolution to “Read better” and “Read at whim,” I let myself read books just because I feel like it. I read a lot of children’s literature. I re-read a lot of books—this weekend, I re-read George Orwell’s A Collection of Essays. I read a lot of odd books. I read a lot, generally. But if I try to make myself read something that I don’t really feel like reading, my reading drops off considerably. I just don’t find the time for it. But when I’m reading something good, I find myself reading for hours each day.

Samuel Johnson observed, “A man should read whatever his immediate inclination prompts him to; though, to be sure, if a man has a science to learn, he must regularly and resolutely advance.” He added, “What we read with inclination makes a much stronger impression. If we read without inclination, half the mind is employed in fixing the attention; so there is but one half to be employed on what we read.”

Science backs this up. When researchers tried to figure out what helped third- and fourth-graders remember what they read, they found that the students’ interest in the passage was far more important than the “readability” of the passage—thirty times more important.

When you have the right book, nothing is more fun than reading. So go to a bookstore or a library or online and get a book that you want to read. The test? You should feel like going straight home and sitting down to read it, immediately.

Don’t judge yourself. Let yourself read what you want. Remember, it’s supposed to be FUN. And it is fun, nothing is more fun, if you’re reading something you enjoy.

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The wonderful folks at the Savvy Source – a great site for parents of preschoolers -- were nice enough to do an interview with me. Check out the site -- lots there.

On Gimundo, I read a fascinating article about a town in Germany that eliminated traffic lights, stop signs, and pedestrian crosswalks -- and eliminated accidents. I can imagine this working in a small town -- but what are the larger lessons? Very provocative.

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Tips for talking to someone about an impending divorce: dos and don'ts.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for talking to someone about an impending divorce -- what to do, and what not to do.

A while back, I read a New York magazine article by Katie Roiphe, The Great Escape, in which Roiphe discusses her friends’ reaction to the news of her divorce. Bottom line: she’s annoyed that they’re acting as though she’s going through some terrible tragedy, when in fact, she feels fine -- if anything, she feels freed and relieved.

It’s an interesting article on many levels, but the thing that struck me was – zoikes! If I were her friend, I’m sure I’d be saying all the wrong things, too.

So what’s the right thing to say?

I asked some people I know who are divorced, or who are getting divorced, about what kinds of comments are helpful or, more important, unhelpful. How should a thoughtful friend react?

It’s clear that there aren’t many hard and fast rules. One friend was reassured when people told him he’d be dating in no time, another friend felt angry at the suggestion that a fifteen-year marriage could be brushed aside so easily. Here's what I learned:

Helpful things to say:
“You’re going to get through this.”
“However this turns out, I hope it all works out for the best.”
“I’m here for you.”
"Just take it one day at a time."

Do…
-- Remind your friend that he or she will get through this period. “Not to be melodramatic,” my friend told me, “but a divorce can feel like dying. Life, as you know it, is coming to an end. Reminding a person that there is life, and even happiness, after the divorce is reassuring.”

-- Be careful about how you talk about other people’s divorces in front of the divorcing folks. “While I was getting divorced, a friend described a bully in our school as ‘from a broken home,’” a friend told me. “I hated hearing like that. For me, the biggest worry was how the divorce would affect my kids.” “Someone gleefully told a story about how his brother was going to screw his ex-wife in the divorce settlement,” another friend recalled. “It was very distasteful to hear that kind of talk, given my situation.”

-- Include divorcing friends in your plans. “Divorce changes everything about your social life,” someone said. “It really helps if friends ask you to do things. It makes you feel included and supported.”

Don’t…
-- Argue hard for your friend to take one course or another. You can’t know what’s right for someone else.

-- Be judgmental. “People judge themselves harshly for getting divorced,” a friend told me. “Don’t add to it.” Along the same lines, try not to say too many bad things about the other spouse. “When we first separated, I wanted to hear people criticize my ex-wife,” a friend said, “but it’s really not good to have those kinds of conversations. After all, I did marry her, and we have kids together, so I don’t need to know that everyone really didn’t like her for all those years.”

-- Assume that you know who is “right” or “wrong.” It’s impossible, from the outside, to understand someone else’s relationship. “Technically, I left my husband,” a friend told me, “but I thought he was the one who abandoned our marriage. I didn’t appreciate being viewed as the one who wasn’t willing to do any work to keep it going.”

-- Insist on being given a reason. People can’t always sum up their reasons neatly, and they may want to keep their reasons private. Don’t probe for explanations or pry for details.

What are some other things to say -- or not to say? What am I overlooking?

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For those of you who like my idea of keeping a one-sentence journal, here's another idea along the same lines -- instead, involving taking pictures of feet! A great idea for the photographically inclined.

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Looking for an easy yet perhaps bizarre efficiency tip?

I picked up one of my useful work habits from the Big Man when we were in law school together. I noticed that he often had a plastic coffee stirrer in his mouth when he was studying.

Finally, I asked him about it.

“I like to have something in my mouth to chew on while I’m working,” he explained.

“Why a coffee stirrer?” I asked.

“Why not?” he answered.

Before too long, I ventured to put a plastic stirrer in my own mouth, and I was hooked. I keep five or six spare stirrers in my backpack at all times, and whenever I sit down at my computer, I pop one in my mouth.

I don’t actually chew on it much, I just hold it between my teeth, but somehow it does help me concentrate. I've never particularly liked chewing gum, but I know that gum helps some people concentrate. It must be the same principle. Putting the stirrer in my mouth is also a sign to myself that I’m sitting down to work, so it has a ritualistic value, too.

The Big Man and I have a lot of odd habits between us. I’m an inveterate hair-twister and hair-puller. The Big Man pats his head (not as strange-looking as it sounds) and gnaws on plastic pen caps. Those, unlike the plastic stirrers, he really chews up.

I’m sure all these behaviors are tied together in some way. Now that I write them down, they sure make us sound weird -- like little pair of gerbils. Oh well, we're happy.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

A happy idea for a new family tradition: a guessing game.

I’m a big believer in family traditions. I’m also a big believer in the idea that children get a big kick out of even relatively small gestures, so that it’s worth taking the time to jazz things up a bit, in easy ways.

A friend of mine has a great tradition when she and her husband travel away from their children.

Like many people, she brings her kids little presents from trips, but instead of just handing them over upon her return, she makes sure to pick the presents early in the trip, then allows her children to ask for clues. Each child gets one clue per day, and they have tremendous fun coming up with the questions, coordinating with each other about who will ask what, keeping a list of the clues that have been revealed, debating amongst themselves, etc.

She says that the gift itself brings them much less fun than the guessing game.

Research shows that a key to happiness is squeezing out as much happiness as possible from a happy event, and as much as possible, we want to get more happiness bang for the buck by focusing on the four stages of appreciating a happy moment, i.e.,

1. anticipating with pleasure,
2. savoring the moment as we experience it,
3. expressing our happiness to ourselves or others, and
4. reflecting on a happy memory.

The guessing game gives a huge boost to #1, meaning that the same activity has a much greater happiness yield.

Now, I’d never begin this family tradition myself. As an underbuyer, I never bring gifts home to my children after a trip. I wouldn’t even do that once, for fear that they’d expect gifts every other time I went away. I don’t like to shop, and I wouldn’t create a situation where I’d feel pressed to hit the stores.

So I’m trying to figure out a way to apply the same “guessing game” idea to something else that we do.

Have you found any easy ways to make ordinary activities more fun for kids?

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I was thrilled to be included in this great post about Top 50 Productivity Blogs. It's a terrific list.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Happiness quotation from Elizabeth Gaskell.

I never knew what sad work the reading of old letters was before that evening, though I could hardly tell why. The letters were as happy as letters could be—at least those early letters were. There was in them a vivid and intense sense of the present time, which seemed so strong and full, as if it could never pass away, and as if the warm, living hearts that so expressed themselves could never die, and be as nothing to the sunny earth.
--Elizabeth Gaskell, Cranford

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That's the Third Splendid Truth: The days are long, but the years are short.

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YOUR Happiness Project: Go to the drug store. Or the hardware store. Or wherever.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One sure way to give yourself a jolt of well-being is to cross some nagging task off your list. The more dreaded the task, the bigger the happiness bump – but even taking care of something insignificant can give you a boost.

Neither the Big Man nor I like running errands, so our household is often in need of little things – not vital things, but the things that annoy you when they’re missing. Right now, for example, we need AA batteries, thumbtacks, Kleenex, spray sunscreen, and envelopes.

Samuel Johnson pointed out that “To live in perpetual want of little things is a state, not indeed of torture, but of constant vexation." By making the effort to stay on top of the little things, you can keep the vexation to a minimum.

After I post this, I’m going to the drug store with my list. Oh right, one more thing, it helps to keep a list.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

The happiness of reading whatever I like – like the work of George Orwell.

Last night, for no particular reason, I was seized with the desire to re-read one of the most memorable paragraphs I’ve ever read, which appears in George Orwell’s essay “Reflections on Gandhi,” in A Collection of Essays.

I got out the book and read the paragraph. Then I read the essay, “Charles Dickens.” Then I read the essay, “Raffles and Miss Blandish.”

And all at once, all I wnted to do was to re-read everything that George Orwell ever wrote. (With the exception of Burmese Days – I’ve never read that, because it’s about unjust accusation.)

Now, before my Happiness Project, I would have rejected this impulse. I would have told myself, “It’s good to re-read, of course, but it’s a waste of reading opportunity to re-read so much by one person, at the same time,” or “I have too much work-related reading to do, and those books should take priority.”

One of the main subjects of my Happiness Project is “Books,” and I devoted the month of September to reading, writing, and making books. My resolutions included “Read at whim,” “Re-read,” and “Find more time to read.”

So instead of fighting the impulse to read Orwell, I’m giving in to it. First up, The Road to Wigan Pier. I’ve read it twice before, now can’t wait to start it again.

Similarly, not too long ago, I followed the same approach with St. Therese. There was a period when the only books I wanted to read were about St. Therese, and I allowed myself to read one after another, even though it didn’t seem to make much sense.

It would be nice to have a justification – to believe that my subconscious mind realizes that I should immerse myself in Orwell or St. Therese for some writerly or happiness-related reason. Maybe that’s true. But maybe not. And I’m not requiring myself to have a justification, it’s just enough that I want to read Orwell right now.

Just thinking about it makes me happy.

If you’re wondering what Orwell wrote about Gandhi that started me down this path, here is the paragraph that I looked up:

Nor did he [Gandhi], like most Western pacifists, specialize in avoiding awkward questions. In relation to the late war, one question that every pacifist had a clear obligation to answer was: "What about the Jews? Are you prepared to see them exterminated? If not, how do you propose to save them without resorting to war?" I must say that I have never heard, from any Western pacifist, an honest answer to this question, though I have heard plenty of evasions, usually of the "you're another" type. But it so happens that Gandhi was asked a somewhat similar question in 1938 and that his answer is on record in Mr. Louis Fischer's Gandhi and Stalin. According to Mr. Fischer, Gandhi's view was that the German Jews ought to commit collective suicide, which "would have aroused the world and the people of Germany to Hitler's violence." After the war he justified himself: the Jews had been killed anyway, and might as well have died significantly. One has the impression that this attitude staggered even so warm an admirer as Mr. Fischer, but Gandhi was merely being honest. If you are not prepared to take life, you must often be prepared for lives to be lost in some other way.

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At a reader's suggestion, I went over to check out First30Days. There's great information there related to happiness, especially on the issue of how to bring about a change in your life. HOW and WHY people are sometimes able to start exercising, start saving, stop eating potato chips, quit smoking, etc., but sometimes not able to stick to change although they wish to, is a very important question.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Eleven tips for broaching difficult subjects.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 11 tips for broaching difficult subjects.

We’ve all had to start conversations that we dreaded having – everything from asking for a raise to asking for a divorce to asking for help with the laundry. These strategies help the conversation go more smoothly -- at least, that's the hope.

1. Don’t stall. Let’s say you need to call an acquaintance whom you haven’t seen in a few years to ask for a favor. Don’t chat and chat, then casually mention the favor at the end. You’re not going to fool him about why you called. It’s better to say something like, “It’s so great to talk to you. I really want to catch up and hear everything that’s been going on for the last few years, but first, I have to tell you the reason I called.” Otherwise, the person on the other end tends to feel wary and distracted.

2. Don’t start off angry. If you have to make some sort of charge, of dishonesty or bad service or a screw-up, work yourself into a mild state of mind. Anger inspires anger; accusations inspire defensiveness. Explain the situation in a straightforward way. Joke around. Show that you’re a reasonable person.

3. This is obvious, but pick your moment. The Big Girl chooses to pester me with her pleas to get her ear pierced just before school, just before bed, or when I’m rifling in the refrigerator with a wolfish look. She couldn’t pick worse times. Look for a moment of calm, lack of interruption, and physical comfort. Also, if the conversation will be particularly painful to the other person, choose circumstances that are the most comfortable for him or her, not for you. Sometimes, when you're dreading saying something, you just want to blurt it out and get it over with -- but by waiting, you might get a better result. (See #8 on this, too.)

4. Think about why the subject is difficult for you. Do you hate to talk about money? Do you shrink from doing anything that smacks of self-promotion? Do you dislike confrontation? Are you afraid of someone? Are you concerned about damaging a relationship? One of the most helpful of my Twelve Commandments is “Identify the problem.” If you examine why you’re dreading a particular conversation, you might be able to tackle it in a different way, or re-frame the issue in a way that’s less upsetting.

5. Are you certain you need to discuss the difficult subject, at all? Often, you do. Sometimes, you don’t. Will it really serve a purpose to have the conversation?

6. Don’t ruminate about worst-case scenarios. It’s tempting to imagine every possible way a conversation could go – each worse than the last. But this usually isn’t helpful. I have a strong tendency to do this, and never once in my experience has the conversation unfolded with any resemblance to what I imagined. It sometimes goes just as poorly as I’d feared, but never in a way that I’d predicted. So unless you’re doing constructive strategizing, don’t allow yourself to indulge in negative fantasies.

7. In direct conflict with the above tip -- it can nevertheless be useful to ask yourself, “What’s the very worst that could happen?” Someone could tell you “No,” or laugh in your face, or cry, or yell, or talk about you behind your back. Are these outcomes really so dreadful? Often, bluntly considering the worst-case scenario is actually reassuring. But do this in a focused, realistic, limited way. Don’t spend hours playing out horrible scenes in your mind.

8. Can it wait? If you’re reacting to something that has just happened, can you postpone the confrontation for a day or two? You might well feel calmer after some time has passed, and even if you still need to have the conversation, you might be able to broach it more productively.

9. Use notes. When you’re emotionally overwrought, it can be hard to remember exactly what was said. If your boss made criticisms of your work, what EXACTLY did he or she say? If you’re at the doctor’s office, what EXACTLY did the doctor say? In some cases, like going to the doctor, you may even want to bring another person with you to help process information. You might also want to bring notes to have a list of the points to cover. You might be so eager to end the conversation that you’d rush out of the room too soon, or you might forget everything you wanted to say or ask in the heat of the conversation.

10. Write a note instead of having a conversation. When writing, you can pick your words exactly, and by communicating that way, you allow the other person to react privately, with time for reflection. Or you can write a note alerting the person to the fact that a painful conversation is necessary.

11. It sounds simplistic, but if you know you’re going to broach a difficult subject on a particular day, get plenty of sleep and exercise in the period before. Feeling energetic, well-rested, and calm in body will put you in better spirits.

Obviously, the tips aren’t universally applicable. You wouldn’t take notes when confronting your teenager, and you wouldn’t bring your spouse to your performance review. But by thinking constructively about how to broach a difficult subject, you might make it less painful and more productive, for everyone.

What techniques am I forgetting? What has helped other people in tough situations?

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A thoughtful reader (who, apparently, was also at my college reunion) sent me this link to Seth Godin's terrific blog, in which he writes about Is It Worthy?. He asks himself, "Is this the best I can do?" Fascinating.

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I’ve started sending out a short monthly newsletter that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.