Tips for talking to someone about an impending divorce: dos and don'ts.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Tips for talking to someone about an impending divorce -- what to do, and what not to do.

A while back, I read a New York magazine article by Katie Roiphe, The Great Escape, in which Roiphe discusses her friends’ reaction to the news of her divorce. Bottom line: she’s annoyed that they’re acting as though she’s going through some terrible tragedy, when in fact, she feels fine -- if anything, she feels freed and relieved.

It’s an interesting article on many levels, but the thing that struck me was – zoikes! If I were her friend, I’m sure I’d be saying all the wrong things, too.

So what’s the right thing to say?

I asked some people I know who are divorced, or who are getting divorced, about what kinds of comments are helpful or, more important, unhelpful. How should a thoughtful friend react?

It’s clear that there aren’t many hard and fast rules. One friend was reassured when people told him he’d be dating in no time, another friend felt angry at the suggestion that a fifteen-year marriage could be brushed aside so easily. Here's what I learned:

Helpful things to say:
“You’re going to get through this.”
“However this turns out, I hope it all works out for the best.”
“I’m here for you.”
"Just take it one day at a time."

Do…
-- Remind your friend that he or she will get through this period. “Not to be melodramatic,” my friend told me, “but a divorce can feel like dying. Life, as you know it, is coming to an end. Reminding a person that there is life, and even happiness, after the divorce is reassuring.”

-- Be careful about how you talk about other people’s divorces in front of the divorcing folks. “While I was getting divorced, a friend described a bully in our school as ‘from a broken home,’” a friend told me. “I hated hearing like that. For me, the biggest worry was how the divorce would affect my kids.” “Someone gleefully told a story about how his brother was going to screw his ex-wife in the divorce settlement,” another friend recalled. “It was very distasteful to hear that kind of talk, given my situation.”

-- Include divorcing friends in your plans. “Divorce changes everything about your social life,” someone said. “It really helps if friends ask you to do things. It makes you feel included and supported.”

Don’t…
-- Argue hard for your friend to take one course or another. You can’t know what’s right for someone else.

-- Be judgmental. “People judge themselves harshly for getting divorced,” a friend told me. “Don’t add to it.” Along the same lines, try not to say too many bad things about the other spouse. “When we first separated, I wanted to hear people criticize my ex-wife,” a friend said, “but it’s really not good to have those kinds of conversations. After all, I did marry her, and we have kids together, so I don’t need to know that everyone really didn’t like her for all those years.”

-- Assume that you know who is “right” or “wrong.” It’s impossible, from the outside, to understand someone else’s relationship. “Technically, I left my husband,” a friend told me, “but I thought he was the one who abandoned our marriage. I didn’t appreciate being viewed as the one who wasn’t willing to do any work to keep it going.”

-- Insist on being given a reason. People can’t always sum up their reasons neatly, and they may want to keep their reasons private. Don’t probe for explanations or pry for details.

What are some other things to say -- or not to say? What am I overlooking?

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For those of you who like my idea of keeping a one-sentence journal, here's another idea along the same lines -- instead, involving taking pictures of feet! A great idea for the photographically inclined.

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Comments

[Zyada]

When I first hear that someone is getting a divorce, I ask "Should I congratulate you or offer my sympathies?" It's usually a bit of both anyway.

I really hated hearing bad things said about my ex, even though he had been a grade-A jerk. I had been with him twelve years, and when someone insulted him, it felt like they were calling me an idiot for staying with him.

What helped me most was hearing that people were confident that I was doing what I needed to be doing.

[Suzyn]

The "don't badmouth the ex" thing is doubly -- quintuply -- important if there are kids around. After all - it's their flesh and blood you're talking about! Besides the fact that yes, you can never see inside someone else's relationship, badmouthing a parent can make the child worry that they might have inherited some nasty, relationship-destroying gene. Great list, Gretchen!

[Andrea]

I'm with Zyada--hearing that other people felt I was doing the right thing and supported my decision was very helpful. I can't think of anything else anyone could have said that would have been as consistently welcome, because it's such a roller-coaster. One day the divorce is the best thing ever; the next day, your life is over and you will never find love again.

[Sharyn]

Gretchen,
Off-topic from today's post, but this reminded me of your blog:

Perhaps some scientific explanation of how smiling "helps" (re: your third commandment, "Act as I would feel") -

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/06/24/how.2b.optimist/index.html

[Linda]

Great list. It is like a death and it can take a long time to work through all the issues - especially when there are children involved. Thanks.

[AnonymousForThis]

I'm going through a major marital crisis that may lead to divorce, and it's been incredibly helpful that my girlfriends are calling me up regularly and asking me if I want to go out with them on an individual basis. Introvert that I am, group social occasions are particularly hard for me right now, and the last thing I'd want is to go out with big groups of happy families; one-on-one outings are much better for me right now. So I would say it's important to understand your friend's personality and figure out what kind of help would be really useful to them, as opposed to what YOU would want in the situation.

[Dave]

If your friend is insisting they don't need an attorney, encourage them to get one anyway. Many divorces start out with "we'll work out all that stuff without lawyers" and quickly end up with one person getting screwed.

Divorce is literally like a waking nightmare, and many people make it worse in the long run by not standing up for themselves, either through guilt, depression, or the urge just to 'get it over with'. They almost always regret that.

Urge, if not beg, your friends to get a lawyer.

[Sean]

I got divorced last year and I think the important fact to keep in mind is no two are the same. Also, I felt different about it from day to day...so even two "me's" weren't the same.

With that in mind, I found the easiest/best conversations started when the other person started by asking how I felt about it (Should I congratulate or offer sympathies? comment from above is a good one).

That let me set the stage as far as how I felt about it (at that moment) and also how deeply I was willing to discuss it. That feeling of control let me feel more comfortable and less embarrassed about the situation.

[Ann Marie]

This is a subject that I don't think is addressed enough. There is a lot out there to help people get through their divorce but not enough advising the friends and family of those getting a divorce on how to best support their loved ones. I was given the opportunity recently to observe a focus group of various women going through the various stages of divorce and talking about their situations and experiences. The majority of the women said they would turn to family and friends for help or support and the majority were unable to provide much positive feedback. It is very important to support your loved ones when they are going through this process and this is a great way to guide them. I work for www.firstwivesworld.com, it is an online community of support and help for women navigating through the various stages of divorce and life thereafter. There is hope and with the resources and support people need that hope is here for them.

Just my two cents,

Ann Marie

[Karen]

I am going through a separation now and I think the list is right on. I agree with those who recommend asking a general question and then letting your friend take the lead on how much to share.

What makes this especially tricky for my friends and family is that I feel so different from day to day. Some days I want to talk in detail, but then if my helpful friend or relative follows up with additional questions on another day, I resent it because on that day I am in a "life goes on" or more private state of mind, and do not want to talk about it.

[Pam]

The very best comment I got as I was progressing through the divorce process, was that a colleague came up to me privately at work and said, I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage. For me that was absolutely perfect. Divorce is a death no matter the circumstances, and just as you would say, I'm so sorry for your loss, was very appropriate. My reply was thank you for saying that and for your concern. The very most awful comment was that a colleague assumed that an affair was the cause of the divorce (it was not). She proceeded to follow me and tell me all about her husband's affair, but that they chose to stay together and "pray" for healing. Of course, she thought that would work for me. I told her to stop and please leave that I did not want to discuss it with her and that no, there was no cheating going on.
Boundaries are a good idea to think about as one goes through this. Most caring people will respect those, and those interested in the gossip side of things don't respect your boundaries, so you need to set them yourself!
Finally, don't be so out of control that you cannot make prudent decisions. The best thing I did was to take the time to consult a lawyer and financial planner. My settlement was much better because of it. I have friends that tried to make those financial decisions without the wise counsel of a financial planner, and once the ink was dry, very much regretted the settlement they agreed to. You do want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible, but I encourage you to take some time. Never, never, never use the same lawyer as your soon to be ex.
Finally, I would recommend that you enroll in "Divorce Recovery". This really saved me, and put me in touch with others in similar circumstances. It is a workshop that many churches offer. It is not a religious curriculum, but one to help you learn coping skills and some personal introspection about yourself.
Enjoy your website.

[martin browning]

Hearing "just be thankful you didn't have kids" is not only unhelpful, it can be devastating; my partner is infertile and our difficulties were painful in all kinds of ways. I like the words of Wallace Stevens, quoted to me by a friend: "a fantastic effort has failed." Marriage is such an effort, and when it fails it feels like death but it also feels like failure.

[Alice Bachini-Smith]

Not everyone wants or need a lawyer!

Don't urge them. Let them decide & support their decision!!

I didn't want one, never had one, "got screwed" (more by "friends" than my ex, however!).... and then my pacifist tactics worked and things started turning around. It was worth not engaging in the stuff I never believed in to start with. (What I do believe: people should be adults and sort things out themselves).

But everyone's different. I would never tell everyone else to do what I chose to do!

Be a friend; don't urge, pressure, coerce or otherwise tell divorcing people what to do- they aren't stupid- they know the choices! Respect and support them, please!!

[Gabrielle]

This is a good list, and an important thing to talk about. Many people, when confronted with a friend going through a divorce want to offer support but don't know what to say.

[Louise]

It's so true that people just don't know what to say or how to respond. The best response I ever heard was "Is this what you want?" Of course, the answer was "NO" but I thought I had no choice. My husband was ready to move on. He said that he loved me but was not "in love with me". Friends say "get over it", "you're better off without him" and similar statements. I know it's because they don't want to see someone they love in pain. And they want to help us move through that painful period as quickly as possible. When I said "NO" my friend helped me find resources where I could find help. I didn't know that there were many, many people in my situation - reluctantly going along with the divorce because they thought they had no choice. Well, I'm happy to tell you that we do have a choice. Even though my husband was determined to leave me and divorce, and had even filed, WE ARE NOT DIVORCED. I found the help I needed to turn my marriage around. There are lots of people to turn to. I choose the Divorce Busting Center divorcebusting.com I spoke with one of their telephone coaches who directed me in things that i needed start doing differently right away to get my marriage back on track. It didn't happen overnight, but slowly my husband began to see my changes and WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AND HAPPIER THAN EVER BEFORE. So when someone you love tells you about their marriage coming to an end, ask them: "Is this what you want to happen?" and if the answer is "NO, but I have no choice" -- tell them that help is out there. There are people who can help them - and they do have a choice.

[Julie]

What a great article. I’d add another one– don’t compare one friend’s divorce with another. I did really, really well with my divorce and another friend in my circle is divorcing under completely different circumstances and all of my friends are comparing her to me, “Julie did so well! Look at her, look at what she’s done with her life!” That doesn’t help my friend at all and puts me in a sort of awkward position.

Also, I was OK with hearing that no one liked my ex– it sort of confirmed what I felt all along, and made me think that maybe I wasn’t crazy.

[Jen]

Great article Gretchen. To Louise, I was in the same situation and a friend (who had also been through a divorce) said something that stuck with me: it takes two people to get married, but only one to throw in the towel.

I tried for a year to keep my marriage from ending, and ultimately he wanted to go, so he did. What worked for you certainly won't work for everyone placed in that situation.

Incidentally, while I thought I didn't want my marriage to end, here, six months after the final paperwork, I can honestly say that I've never been happier. YMMV.

[KJ]

I think this advice applies to many of life's difficulties.

I'm taking the bar exam for the 3rd time this summer. I'm older than most bar exam-takers, already an accomplished professional, and have a supportive partner and job. Even though I do think this is a pain in the neck to have to go through again, I feel that I am doing a great job keeping this in perspective and feel very good about this next exam and about my life in general.

Unfortunately, my friends assume that I feel ashamed about this. Some have not said a word to me about this even though they know, and one woman in particular insists that this is certainly how I must feel. Others have come forward with offers of help or talk, only to end up giving advice I don't need, or cancelling at the last moment because they are too busy (which isn't too unusual for people to do, but considering the circumstances, I think it's a little bit rude).

It's difficult not to take it personally. I feel as though dealing with my friends is the worst part of this whole process.

[Harriet Cabelly]

Great idea for a post. Need more such posts to discuss how people can respond in a helpful manner to all kinds of painful situations like illness and death.
One thing Not to do is don't ignore the situation and say nothing. Many times in "sticky" situations, people don't say anything either because they don't know what to say or they are too uncomfortable. I know at least for me, that doesn't feel good at all. When there's an elephant in the room,acknowledge it. Acknowledgement is very important; even to simply say, "I'm here for you if and when you want to talk". This is an innocuous way of showing you care.
When I separated, people said to me "I'm sorry" and I responded "don't be sorry, I'm not". (I was also truly relieved to be getting divorced; like a load was lifted off my shoulders.) But I understood people said that out of a sense of well-meaning. And so that was a fine and normal comment to make.
The other most important thing to be able to do when someone is going through a divorce or any difficult time/situation is to be a Good Listener. That seems to be a hard task for many. People are quick to bring the subject matter back to themselves as opposed to just being there with the person and focusing and reflecting back on what he/she is saying, and taking yourself out of it. This is a basic human skill that I find to be lacking in general. (Perhaps you can do a future posting on good listening.)
As always, a very interesting post.
Harriet Cabelly
www.harrietcabelly.com

[bunny]

thanks for posting this.
it has reminded me of something i try to do when someone gives me news that could be good or bad--to ask them how they feel about it.

sometimes things that sound like bad news to me are actually a great event for someone else. on that same note, i don't want to be congratulating someone for something they are upset about.

[wendy]

Last weekend a friend started talking about maybe divorcing. My first thought was that I don't know how hard they worked on trying to stay together and then more questions started to pop up: should they really try (no kids involved) and when do you know 'enough is enough' etc. etc. I was wondering how to address these questions without being judgemental.

Any thoughts?

[elizabeth]

I've just told my husband of many years that I'd like to end our marriage, and have begun telling a very few people -- extremely close relatives and friends.

The best responses are the blank-check offers of support, as in, Let me know what I can do for you, because this is going to be hard, and I'll do whatever I can to help you.

The most painful response was: Are you absolutely sure you want this? Divorce is a horrible thing to go through, even under the best of circumstances, and then being alone is horrible too. You might be better off finding some way to work this out. -- Not untrue, maybe, but I experienced it as a vote of no confidence in my judgment. Of course i had been weighing the consequences quite seriously for a very long time.

[Gretchen Rubin]

It is really helpful to hear more comments from the folks who have been through it. The big message I get is that divorce is different for everyone, and is even different for the same people over time. There are ups and downs. So the thing to do is to try to be responsive and attentive, and not project assumptions onto them. It's a tough situation, so hard to know what to say as a friend, but as one writer pointed out, it's important to try.

[Kate]

As I move into a place contemplating divorce, this was appropriate and helpful. Especially to think about what others would think and to know not everyone will automatically blame a "guilty" party

[Meg Renicker]

The most important thing to remember and try to do is to listen. Listen, Listen, Listen. Hear the same thing over and over and let them get all the injury out. Feeling Heard by someone, anyone is going to give validity to their current situation. Not being heard by each other is what causes some break-ups to begin with; so all that emotion is still locked inside while well-meaning people tell them how to feel and think. BONUS!

Meg

[Jeri Dansky]

Much of the advice here - lots of good advice! - reminds me of the advice to friends and family of cancer patients in the book Help Me Live: 20 things people with cancer want you to know.

There's a lot in the book about listening and following the other person's lead; about trusting the person's (treatment) decisions; about offering all sorts of help, including opportunities to go have fun; about not sharing horror stories of others who went through similar situations - but instead sharing stories with positive outcomes.

[Collette]

I think the second-least helpful thing that people have done throughout my divorce has been to report to me my ex's activities. I don't want to hear about his girlfriend! you don't need to point her out on the street. I don't want to hear about his life. I don't want updates. the friends who have done it have been asked to stop, so it's fine now.

the least helpful thing has been hearing that people report to him on my life. I was seeing a guy for about six weeks when I got an email from my ex saying "I hear you have a new boy. good luck with him." it was a severe invasion of privacy. I was horrified. does he get reports on every man I kiss? or talk to? or every phone number I get? if I'd had a true boyfriend, then I'd understand how word might get around. but at six weeks, I only barely knew this other man.

[Kim]

I am currently in the process of leaving my husband because I found out he has been unfaithful for the past 2 years. The worst things people are saying to me are: "Is there anything you else you can do?" and "Have you tried counseling?" It is hard enough to make this decision and move forward, the last thing I need is people making me wonder if I am doing the wrong thing.