YOUR Happiness Project: Don’t say it.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One useful happiness finding is that we tend to regret the things we don’t do much more than the things we do. According to Daniel Gilbert in Stumbling on Happiness, one explanation for this is that when we act, we can comfort ourselves with the thought that we learned a lot, even from a negative experience. It’s harder to make ourselves feel good about inaction.

I think this is generally true, and I often remind myself of this – for example, when I was deciding whether to go to my reunion, I considered the fact that I’d probably regret not going than I’d regret going.

However, there is a MAJOR and CRITICALLY IMPORTANT exception to this rule. And that is the decision to say something rude or mean. DON’T SAY IT. You won’t regret it. This is a place for inaction.

We’ve all heard the saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” This is so, so, so true. I can’t begin to count the times when I’ve said something, or written something, that I wished I could retract. It feels good for a moment to make that snarky comment, but then I bitterly regret it.

This is easier said than done, however.

For example, yesterday, I discovered something that the Big Man had done, out of inattention, that made me very angry.

I called him at work, and said “What have you done??!!” He hadn’t realized what he’d done, so I told him, but then he had to get off the phone for the rest of the day, so we didn’t really have a proper confrontation about it.

No surprise, the Big Man usually isn’t particularly eager to explore his missteps, so I kept thinking, “I’m going to tell him, ‘I need you to admit that this was a big mistake!’” “Just acknowledge that you screwed up!” “What were you thinking, how did this happen?” "This was your responsibility!" etc.

Then it occurred to me – I could say nothing. I’d brought the issue to his attention, and he knew what had happened. Now I could just let it go.

Can I actually do that? I really don’t know. So far, I haven’t said anything more about it, but it has taken superhuman self-control, and I don’t know whether I can keep it up. I’m going to try, however. There’s no real purpose to be served, other than satisfaction of my anger, and having an argument will sour the atmosphere of our house.

Relatedly, I’ll say this, too:

It’s true that a terrific happiness-project resolution is “Don’t say it.” Don’t say “I told you so,” don’t say “I was right,” don’t say “You screwed up majorly,” etc.

But if you’re on the other side of this situation, as the wrong-doer, it’s enormously helpful if you take the blame, if it’s deserved. If the Big Man would say to me, without prompting, “Hey, I wasn’t paying attention, and this happened, and I’m really sorry,” my anger would dissipate.

When I started working, my father told me, “If you’ll take the blame, you’ll get the responsibility,” and that’s absolutely true. There’s something enormously satisfying and comforting to people when a person accepts blame. By trying to deflect blame, you fan people’s angry feelings; by accepting blame (when appropriate), you discharge it.

I wish the Big Man would own up to his mistake. But I can’t control him. The question for myself is: given the situation, how do I choose to act? Do I bring it up, do I chide him? No, I choose not to say it. At least I’m going to try.

As Publilius Syrus wrote, “I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.”

***Update: after I wrote this, the sore subject came up naturally (I didn’t bring it up), and the Big Man said, “It was totally my fault.” And that was all it took to put the issue to rest. My hero.

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My goodness, I'm dying to see this documentary, My Messy Life, which I read about on Gimundo -- a journalist exposes his messiness. I'm a bit obsessed with the psychological effects of clutter and clutter elimination, so I'm really curious to hear what he has to say.

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Comments

[Alex Fayle]

When we can destroy our egos, we live happily without having to say things except with love and in explanation.

By destroying the ego, I don't mean destroying yourself or not having a backbone. I mean not taking things personally and not being egotistical about situations - how often do we as adults still say "but it's not fair!" or "bit it's his/her turn!" or "I need to prove him/her wrong!" - all of these phrases are pure ego - dump them.

Of course, I'm still learning this and sometimes I slip and say very mean ego-driven things.

[Travelinoma]

My husband's mantra is: Think over everything you say, don't say everything you think. He actually lives this way, and never tosses and turns over a stupid comment. He doesn't say much either. I, on the other hand, don't know what I'm thinking unless I express it, so I have lots of regrets. Another of his strong points is saying, "I'm sorry I've made you unhappy. What can I do?" He doesn't actually say he's wrong when he's not, but it takes the wind out of my sails, and I let go of my anger.

[Satya Colombo]

Well, i think you know what my happiness project is... my documentary about the quest for eternal bliss i started about 5 years ago, that shares the same name as your book...!

I agree with you about taking responsibility - taking life by the reins and committing to live the life of your dreams...that's up there at the top of my list of happiness projects...

at what point do you pull back on the reins and allow the flow of existence carry you...

i just found out and wrote about one case in which the flow of the occupation in Iraq has carried developers to the edge of Fellinesque perversity...

Disneyland Baghdad: The Other Happiest Place on Earth… http://www.thehappinessproject.com/disneyland-baghdad-the-other-happiest-place-on-earth

doesn't everyone deserve a little happiness...?

[Karen]

This was a great post. Lots of food for thought. I have a problem with my husband when I admit I've screwed up. He sees this as a signal for giving me a lecture on how/why I screwed up and what I should have done, etc. I hate it! His lectures keep me from apologizing even when it would be appropriate. When he apologizes (which is very rare), I simply say thanks. I thought setting a good example would help, but it hasn't. Oh well, relationships are a lot of work, aren't they.

[Ella]

Great post. After reading an earlier one of your posts on a similar theme, I have tried to implement this advice both with my husband and with my children, and it has certainly made my home happier - no question about it.

[Derik]

Greetinz, I have found that a root wisdom article from a sage called Epicurus (especially, his "Letter to Menoeceus") gave me my "happiness" base. Obviously, it seems you have Mark Twain's work (I assume you have read his "No Terror for me" and "Connecticut Yankee" too). Ultimately, I believe your happiness project will explore the "philosophy" basis of happiness.

[Shanel Yang]

Great topic, Gretchen!

Saying nothing at all, for me, would only make things worse. Resentments would cement over time while the volcanic heat from below would eventually explode the hardened exterior into a great big enormous fight! Luckily, I learned how to both express my feelings and let them go from Ron Potter-Efron's Angry All the Time: An Emergency Guide to Anger Control. He suggests using polite, direct, and specific comments about limited issue at hand to (1) state how you feel about it; (2) the behavior/action of theirs that made you feel that way and why; (3) what you would very much appreciate them changing about that behavior/action.

This totally works for me b/c then they either agree to try to change that behavior or they don't. Then, I don't get mad about it b/c I did all that I could to ask for what I want or need. If it was something that I merely wanted (a "nice" to have not a "need to have), then I learned to accept "no" for an answer and be glad I still have all my need-to-haves from that person. But, if it was something that I clearly explained that I needed from that person, and they still didn't give it to me, then I still didn't get mad. It helped me calmly evaluate the relationship for what it was. Eventually, when enough of my need-to-haves were not being met, I had the courage to leave. Whereas, w/o this method, there was too much drama to leave b/c all that fighting was in its own way exciting.

After my anger was released in little spurts like this over time, and all the fighting mellowed into brief discussions that ended pretty much the same way every time, it finally dawned on me that I was wasting my time with this man. It was waiting for the smoke to clear from the fire to assess the damage to the house, then finding out the house could not be salvaged. It was one the best changes of my life and has made me 100% happier as a result of it.

[Ann at One Bag Nation]

Gretchen, if you can really let go of your anger and not stew about what happened - you're a bigger woman than I! That's really hard for me.

What if you/we use the word responsibility instead of blame? Taking responsibility (to me) sounds a lot more constructive (and less hostile) than taking the blame.

[The Soul Sorority]

Oh, man. I identify with this one. I have said things I regret, in the heat of the moment, and like the saying goes...you can't take it back. I agree, it does take amazing superhuman self control, but it's worth it. Saying something cruel or mean never helps. It never fixes a problem or changes a situation. If anything, it makes it worse.

Thanks for the post :)

[Ricky]

I love that mantra, "Think over everything you say, don't say everything you think". I will definitely be adopting it!

Regarding owning up to blame, I was just in a fender bender the other day. I was completely at fault and felt like a complete idiot! I let the gentleman know how sorry I was and that I would do whatever it took to make things right. He could not have been nicer. It felt so good to own up to it and not be defensive as unfortunately some folks can be.

[Chris at HumanKind Media]

Wow! In the middle of a big upset with my visiting mother during my son's graduation festivities, I log in to the Happiness Project in desperation, and here lies sound advice for the rest of the weekend. Thanks so much, Gretchen. I feel like you wrote this for me today.

[fiony]

wow interesting!

[Chris H]

Hi Gretchen... is it case of picking your fights, rather than not saying anything at all? Not saying anything strikes me as a fast way to becoming someone's doormat. Saying too much - too controlling?

[Dawn R]

The problem I have with "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" is that these are not the only choices. As other people have pointed out, it's sometimes necessary to find constructive ways to say difficult things. Allowing a bad situation to recur over and over can result in more resentment and anger, and in one person taking advantage of another, neither of which is good for the relationship. The trouble is, finding the most constructive way to say something is awfully hard when you're in the middle of full-blown anger. Or at least it certainly is for me.

[Cathy C]

This post came at a great time for me. There is that mantra that says "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." I had a situation the end of this week with a friend at work where I "said it" two days in a row. It created more problems than it was worth which has been my usual life experience in these kinds of situations.

Usually I try to "not do anything" in the heat of the moment with my loved ones and friends as it seems to be better to either let things go or talk about it later when emotions are not running so high

Thanks for helping me to remember that "don't say it" is usually the best way to go. Sometimes I forget that the power of "the tongue" can be quite hurtful.

[Julia]

Bravo to you (and the Big Man). This is one of the toughest challenges, and I really struggle with it myself. It's particularly hard to bite your tongue when it's one of those annoyances that come up over and OVER again, and you've exhausted talking about them in the patient and rationale tone you aspire to...

[Mary Ward, Do You Digg It Review Team]

Hello Gretchen,

We do all need our own personal Happiness Projects, but it does help to have guidance like yours as a stepping-stone. I appreciate what you are doing with this blog and your book. I've recently reviewed it as Do You Digg It!

You - and any other interested readers - can see the review here:

http://www.doyoudiggit.com/self-improvement/gretchen-rubins-guide-to-happiness%e2%80%94the-happiness-project

You'll see at the bottom of the post that there is also a Digg button to submit your review for added exposure for your blog.

Thanks! Happy to have found your blog!

[Totu]

Gretchen,
Thanks for sharing with another great post, which led to an interesting discussion. I agree for the most part that 'not saying it' saves nerves and relationships, but on the other hand how can a person know how deeply you are concerned with something if you do not express it. I guess one should express such things by not 'ruining' the day but by doing something good instead. Still, to me keeping my emotions to myself seems to be a task close to impossible. As it was said in one of the comments, you are a bigger woman than me in that sense. Thank you!

[Beth]

I have a problem with always wanting to be right. To the point where I will look up sources after an argument or discussion to support my correctness. It's a lot of time/energy and it usually doesn't add anything of value to the conversation. I stumbled upon this quote yesterday after reading your post and it was like a slap in the face (in a good way):
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" -A Course in Miracles

[valerie]

Just a heads-up: I read your posts through your RSS feed in Google Reader on Firefox. Lately all your apostrophes and quotation marks are coming through as question marks ("???"). Makes the posts very difficult to read.

Thought you'd want to know. Cheers!

[Naomi]

Can I start by saying that I'm a huge fan of this site? I love coming here, reading the different ideas you've put together and the thoughtful way in which you engage with them. You're very inspirationally honest about your own life and the tips and quotes you put together are fascinating.

I have one tiny bugbear (sorry). Every Friday you start your posts with "I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too!" Maybe it's just because I've now read this sentence a lot of times, but it begins to seem somewhat antithetical to a lot of your other ideas to say that *I* (or any of your readers) *should* have a Happiness Project. It seems in opposition to your principle: "What's fun for other people may not be fun for you--and vice versa." Your happiness project is awesome, I personally don't want to do one right now.

I know this is a really minor quibble, and I feel sorta petty bringing up a tiny matter about such a great, positive site. Probably it's because it's a repeated sentence that I've started to notice it. But, in any case, many many thanks for the site. It's the place I go to when I'm looking for a soothing read, and has certainly increased my own happiness!

[Lunette]

I often want to tell my husband what he does "wrong" so he will know what a good, long-suffering wife I am. However, when I do complain, he starts listing all of his complaints about me! So I'm trying to accept him the way he is, and lately we have been happier.

[Google]

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