Happiness Project: Accept the change.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One common source of unhappiness for people is the failure to accept that some social norm has changed.

For example, a friend of mine dislikes seeing people talking on their cell phones. Even when they’re speaking quietly on the street, just seeing them on the phone bugs him; he doesn’t think people should speak on the phone in public. Another friend is appalled every time she gets an invitation by email.

This problem hits me with the issue of security measures. Going through airport security exasperates me tremendously – also, having my bag examined before I enter a public building, like the New York Public Library.

The last time I was home in Kansas City, my mother and I were doing errands, and she wanted to stop by my father’s office and pick something up from him. She pulled up by the curb, so I could just run up to the fifteenth floor and get it, but as soon as I jumped out, I stuck my head back in the car.

“What’s the problem?” she asked.

“I don’t have my wallet.”

“You don’t need your wallet!”

“But I don’t have any I.D. with me.”

My mother couldn’t believe that in New York, you have to show identification to enter most large office buildings. It’s so very annoying.

I’m not arguing that people should talk on their cell phones on the street, or not; or that we should stop sending proper paper invitations through the U.S. mail, or not; or that we should abandon security measure altogether, or not.

The fact is, whatever a person might think,the social norms have changed, and people WILL talk on their cell phones, and they will send email invitations, and they will expect to check your bag, take your photo, and write down your name. And life is too short to keep railing about it.

I decided that unless I wanted to become an active, purposeful agent of change, I just had to accept the situation gracefully. Constant grousing just fans the flames of irritation, and to complain about matters that most people find acceptable is iself an annoying trait. As Samuel Johnson observed, “To hear complaints is wearisome alike to the wretched and the happy.”

Is there any recent change in social norms that bugs you? Have you found a way not to let it get under your skin?

*
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Comments

[Pete]

I write about this all the time. Most of our 'unhappiness' comes from the world not meeting OUR OWN personal expectations. The key is to try and have no expectations. For example, if you are dreading the line at the DMV, try not to think about it. However long it takes, it takes. If you have no expectations, you can not be disappointed. Expectations can pigeon hole your mind and negatively effect your feelings.

When you expect something to happen think about how many factors determine the outcome, and then think about that only one of those outcomes will make you happy. Now, if that one single outcome you are expecting out of the millions of possibilities does not happen, then it leaves you unhappy.

Not the best odds, huh?

http://yinvsyang.com/

[Courtney]

Misspellings and grammatical errors. Yesterday I passed a billboard that stated "Whose missing from ch__ch? UR!" I gritted my teeth at the "whose" (and, I would argue, it should probably be "what" since they are technically referring to missing letters, but I digress). How do these things get past so many people without someone noticing? I have even seen permanent storefronts with errors. My sister is the same way, a stickler for grammar, but we have consciously decided to let one thing go at a time, starting with inappropriate apostrophes.

However, I think it is worthwhile to maintain a level of concern for the erosion of privacy in this country. It once was true that one could move to another town and "start over" with a new identity and a clean slate. No more. Everyone must be identified and stamped with a seal of approval. The accuracy and veracity of an individual's history and ID is rarely in question, as long as you present the correct papers. I feel that a tolerant attitude or, worse, a grateful one ("they're keeping us safe!") is a threat to the civil rights that made our country so great. Question. Challenge. Refuse. I do not want to live in a "Papers please" country, though it seems that is what we are approaching.

You are correct that it is not constructive to fret, but an underlying concern may help prevent future legislation that further erodes our rights.

[Marlena]

Whoa! This topic hits close to home.

Btw, this is my first post. I really love this site - we could all use more happiness in our lives. It is an awakening when we realize that we are responsible for making it happen.

As for the cell phones... I don't mind as long as they're keeping it at the same volume as a normal conversation. But when people start to shout (especially in a restaurant), or allow a call to interrupt an in-person conversation, then my blood starts to boil.

It seems that rudeness, and a lack of common courtesy and manners are the new social norms.

Perhaps I am just trying to hold on too tightly, but if we stop pointing out such incidents as unacceptable and just bend to the will of the masses... what next?

[fasteddie]

I can't believe you were out running errands without your wallet.

[Cholestatrim]

It is irritating true. And simple things like using cell phone in public is also one. But you just think what happened on 9/22... today problem is security threat. We need to go with all these.
I welcome your project and it is a nice idea.

[Gillian]

Your mention of the need for ID made me laugh because I remember coming back from a European military posting in the '80s and automatically getting out my ID at the grocery cash in North America.

[Jacqueline]

I find it bothersome when people make plans through text messaging and you never even have to speak to the person until you actually see them face to face.

[Mella DP]

@Gillian - I had the same reaction! My father was a career Naval officer, and it was years before I stopped reflexively reaching for my ID card at stores, etc.

Personally, I seem to have a taste for social formality (among strangers) that's outmoded by a few generations. First-name-only introductions drive me crazy (I loved Meg Ryan's line in You've Got Mail: It's like a whole generation of cocktail waitresses!), but they seem to be the norm regardless of age. I'm under 30, and sometimes am made to feel overly fussy by people who are older than my parents.

In my more irritable moments, I've even been known to get annoyed at panhandlers for speaking to me without having been properly introduced - which I know is totally ridiculous, but it's a gut response.

[Marlena]

Ms. Mella - I am just over 30 and with you all the way on the first name issue. It drives me nuts when complete strangers insist on addressing me by my first name (which they usually mispronounce). This is particularly annoying when it's a telemarketer.

I share your taste for more social formality. My grandmother taught me to address people by Mr. Ms./Mrs. etc. unless they asked me to do so otherwise. These days, doing so is a relic of a more polite era.

I realize there is a bit of irony in my post, as many of us go by our first names in the blogosphere :)

[Shanel Yang]

The world keeps changing; and, though humans are creatures of habit, we are also the most adaptable species on Earth. I think "resistance is futile" to modern technologies and I'm strangely reminded of Ted Kaczynski (the Unabomber) as an extreme example of that futility.

I used to bristle at the ever-dropping level of education -- or even desire to be knowledgeable without a formal education -- in this country. But, it is what it is. I do what I can with my blog and will always keep working to bring about as many changes as I can, one person at a time if need be. But, at the same time, I have to accept that the vast majority of Americans don't even believe they can change their lives for the better so they never really try. That's heartbreaking to me more than annoying.

[Kristin]

Yes! Reading through the comments already posted, I do see the flipside, but for the most part I agree with the post. I think it comes down to choosing your battles. Or rather -- if it bothers you enough and you think there's something you can do about it, fight it. If all you can do is complain, let it go.

Since 9/11, I have always gotten to the airport two hours before my flight. It's a necessity. I understand that the baggage check and security lines are long and tedious. It's a part of travelling. The last time I flew, there were two people in line behind me who griped and complained about the length of the line and how long it took to get through, and would they make their flight. I felt no sympathy for them. It is what it is. Their moaning wasn't going to make the line magically shorter, and I doubt it made them feel better.

[Jen]

Do these things bother me? (Cell phones, incorrect grammar, etc.) Yes. Do I let this eat away at my happiness? No.

For whatever it's worth I don't think it should be too much to expect a certain level of politeness. Simply acquiescing and saying "oh, that's the new norm" allows the bar to be moved ever downward. I think civility is already on enough of a decline. Talking on a cell phone on the street (not so egregious) leads to talking on a cell phone in a restaurant, at a table, disturbing those around you (egregious). People having conversations end up in their own little bubble, and by extension they don't consider others around them.

Discarding common courtesy should never be acceptable as a "new norm." Sorry.

[Teresa]

Too many things bother me because I'm just a naturally irritable person by nature, but I seek to change that (hence my being here), and I really enjoyed your post on the topic. I'll be keeping your sage words, "Constant grousing just fans the flames of irritation, and to complain about matters that most people find acceptable is iself an annoying trait" close to heart on my quest to be a happier person.

[Mella DP]

Ms. Marlena - Thanks, that made my day. ;)

[phquaryn]

I love this blog as I always do, but I have to speak up about this. "The fact is, whatever a person might think,the social norms have changed...they will expect to check your bag, take your photo, and write down your name." That gave me chills. We live in America, land of the free. People taking away our freedoms can and should make us unhappy, and we should speak up about it, for our happiness and the happiness of others.

People taking your photo, checking your bag - you know they do this at places like ballgames now, not just at airports and subways? There is no proof that this stuff makes us safer from terrorism, because it doesn't. The guys flying those planes could have presented Florida drivers lisences. The fact that people are starting to see this crap as normal, daily life is horrifying to me.

[Kate]

I agree with the above posts about bad grammar. The misuse of there, they're, and their, adding commas to make words possessive that shouldn't be. Ugh!

The worst is people who talk on their cell phones in the gym! Or have their headset on in the gym! My theory is that if you are so important/busy you have to wear a headset to the gym, then why don't you have an assistant answering your calls while you work out for 30 minutes???

[Jill]

I do not like it when people talk on their cell phones while they are in the car with you. For example, my colleague and I were driving to a meeting. She talked the entire time with a "personal friend." I find this very rude, and it is a bit of a habit for her as she has done the same thing with other co-workers. I also find it ridiculous when people talk on their cell phones while in a bathroom stall. I'm only 25 and have literally had a cell phone more than half my life, but I am not so lax that I have abandoned common courtesy and respect for others.

[Jenny]

Wow! This article has certainly stirred up a lot of recognizable agitations in our daily lives. Some things, it seems, are the price of having to live with the "terrorist" issue and I can accept most of the precautions we have to take. However, and even though I am in the above 30 crowd, it is difficult to accept all of the cell phone ugliness.

As mentioned previously, those that talk on cell phones while in the car with other passengers is some of the most irritating instances of bad cell-phone behavior. Can you imagine 4 friends getting together on a vacation, in a car, supposedily on a sightseeing trip and 2 of the members yack away most of the trip with their friends and family back home? They even conducted business matters in backseat duets. How they could speak such personal things in a tight little group was more than annoying....and to have any decent conversation interrupted every little bit with their folks back home who were wanting to know where they were, what was going on, etc., was just plain crazy.

I also get peeved when I am shopping for clothes, lost in my little world or trying to remember what I have back home that would go with an outfit, when suddenly some loud mouthed cell phone user comes around the aisle and intrudes in my ear-space and thought processes; speaking in a volume so 'fuerte,' to the world or at least everyone within earshot, all about her affairs, her business problems, kid problems, or whatever. My options? I generally put the item back on the rack and rush off to a corner of the store which hopefully isn't so congested with talkers. Of course, we do cope. I suppose that most of us have adopted little ways to distance ourselves from that sort of stuff.

[marcail]

The wearing of baseball caps at the dinner table whether in a private home or in a resaurant bothers me. Gentlemen remove your headgear when entering. Ladies should as well unless it is their church custom to don a hat while in church.

[Leslie Turek]

I'm of two minds about this advice. On a personal level, yes, of course you're right that learning to accept change and to go with the flow can help reduce your anxiety level. But on a social level, what we are seeing is a constant degradation in our quality of life. And I don't think we should accept that without question. We need to do what we can to object to these intrusive security policies and poor service issues. If we just accept them like sheep, they will just continue to get worse and worse.

For example, if my local DMV routinely has 2-hour waiting lines, my reaction as an individual who needs to go to the DMV would be to bring a good book or an iPod and settle in without complaint. But my reaction as a citizen would also be to write to my legislator that 2-hour waits are unacceptable and agitate for improved management of the DMV.

[Mary M]

Very interesting...I think this whole thread has enlightened me somewhat and made me think about how I view things. I do get irritated when I see people talking to "themselves" and then I realize they have their phone earpiece on. But I am annoyed for just a moment then I do move on---yet it does annoy me every time. Awareness, then acceptance and tolerance is the key to not letting it annoy me every single time! I do want to say though that it is okay for me that it affects me, and I let the behavior sit. In my older years, I have come to accept that I can feel something but not feel compunction to change it or address the annoyer. Wearing an ipod at the dinner table with other people, or text messaging--those things I find rude---I feel that the only way I can prevent that from happening is to not do it myself and be the model of what I feel is proper. After all, I think we can control ourselves more so than we can others.

[Gretchen Rubin]

Zoikes, seems like this resonated with a lot of people!

With all these things, the right thing to do, if they bother you, is to take effective action (like trying to change the wait at DMV). And there's no need to put up with rudeness.

But in some cases, the concept of "rude" has evolved, and behavior is acceptable, even though it might bug some people TREMENDOUSLY. I.e., listening to your iPod on the subway, talking on the phone on the street. Say what you want, this behavior is NOT going to change, it is considered within the bounds of acceptable social behavior by most people, so I just think it's better to try to come to peace with it.

[adora]

You guys would probably enjoy this clip from "Curb Your Enthusiasm". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vp6H9hR4nIM

People who talks on cellphone or text at the dinning table annoys me. It is perhaps to show off new gadgets. I usually imagine having ninjas slice their phones in halves. Then I feel funny to have thought of such childish/geeky thing.

[Chris at HumanKind Media]

Boy, Gretchen. This is a good one, judging from all the comments. You hit all of my top peeves, except people who are younger than me who call me "honey". I'm not big on that one. But, I'm working on grace and graciousness these days and trying to tell a different story about all the things that "bug" me. Maybe the cell-phone person is talking to a relative who's near their mother's bedside at the hospital, the guy at the security checkpoint hates doing this to me and wishes he could find a better job to feed his family, and maybe the person who calls me honey is doing it because they really feel close to me in only the 2 seconds that we've interacted.:--) It's all in the story we tell ourselves about what that behavior means, so I'm trying to change the story about all those annoyances. This was a great post. Thanks.

[Michael]

My newest technology-related pet peeve is the practice of sending text messages and checking emails during movies, concerts and plays. I was at Carnegie Hall just before Christmas and from my side-box seat looked straight down on a couple who every ten minutes or so checked their respective devices -- and each time their LCD panels lit up. I'm still hoping history is on my side on this one. I mean, why bother going to Carnegie Hall if you really want to text your friends?

What REALLY troubles me, though, is the gross talking-on-phone-in-the-john habit. Ladies, I am not sure you all realize how gross the average man is becoming in using his cell phone. To be blunt, I'm talking about making cellphone calls while doing number two. ... How disgusting is that? That more than anything else makes me feel society is on greased skids toward doom. But maybe my distress is just a sign of my impending old-fogeydom.

Sigh.

[HP van Duuren]

Unfortunately not every change is also an improvement......,

When I worked at one of the Biggest Record Companies in the World we had a receptionist that actually knew who I was, I could easily walk in and out without having a creditcard sized piece of plastic, and I didn't have to wait for a green light on some stupid metal narrow thing blocking my way.

When I worked at an other company I first had to wait to be able to get on the parking lot, I had to speak in an intercom to open a garage, once inside the garage I had to talk into an other intercom to talk to a receptionist that hadn't had a clue who I was.

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All the Best,
To your Happy Inspiration,
HP

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[Tim Brownson]

Lighten up people! We all have pet peeves, but let's recognize them as just that and not resorting to judging others because they behave in a manner we wouldn't.

The stark fact is that if you'd been brought up in their family and environment you'd have the same values and beliefs. It's not right or wrong, it just is.

Oh and btw, we NEVER have to feel bad about anything, it's always a choice we make either consciously or unconsciously.

[Ella]

All of your posts are good, but every so often you come up with one that is just terrific: a fresh, original observation that is dead on and makes me think. This, to me, is one of them.

[MJ]

Michael - women talk on their cell phones in the loo too. Last year I was driving Up North for a weekend and we stopped at a small town KMart for bottled water and a bathroom break - a lady in another stall was talking on her phone. I was wondering how she would handle the inevitable flushing or water noise, which would give her location away, but then she coolly interrupted her stream of chat with "hang on, gotta flush." I'm still boggled that anyone thinks this is a good idea. EEW!

Old fogies rule! We still read print media, open doors for oldsters and ideally are not glued to our cellphones at all times. When I read about how gum snapping 20 year olds with permanently attached iPod and cellphone camera/video accessories are going to take over our society and revolutionize the future of work etc etc etc I 1) don't believe it and 2) hope it isn't true (because then the terrorists will have won).

[Kody]

I hate it when people text message during a movie or concert. The lights in the dark theatre are so distracting. I have pretty much stopped going to the movies because of this. Do you think this is acceptable to everyone but me?

[Heather]

After 30 comments, not sure if I'm saying anything new :-) but to me the distinctions are whether you are actually affected by the annoyance and, as you say in your comment, whether you fume (pointlessly) at the time, or take whatever action you can - probably after the event. Unless you are with someone, their talking on their cell phone or listening to their iPod DOES NOT affect your life. I wish I could get my mother to see this. If they are with you and linger on the cell phone, then that's as rude as ignoring you in any other way, and you should talk to them about it, but not just fume.

[Alex Fayle]

Having to show ID everywhere would drive me nuts!

I agree that there are little things that we should let go, but others that we should stay vigilant and fight tooth and nail. For me that's anything that continues to block or erodes human rights (I won't say more for fear of starting a flame war... {grin})

The big challenge is determining which category things fall into.

Cheers,
Alex

[Julia]

I do think we need to distinguish between personal annoyances, and things that affect the larger society. The security example highlights this -- Americans have been lulled into accepting more and more intrusions into their personal space in the name of security and counter-terrorism. How far should we let the government go? Don't we have an obligation to defend our personal liberties?

Or put another way, what if Rosa Parks had just "accepted" the indignity of being discriminated against, especially since there were so many people in power who believed that's the way it should be?

Some things are worth railing against. Let us bless the changemakers.

[Niel Malan]

Ha, most of these comments flame one of my pet peeves. Why can't people stay on topic? I know Gretchen (or is it Ms Rubin? Or Mrs Rubin?) used examples of using cellphones in public or security-based requests for identification as changing social norms, but she also made it very clear that this was not the point. What she wanted to say was if you're not prepared to become an activist about things you don't like but everybody does anyway, _don't complain_. Almost everybody that commented did exactly the opposite, and _complained_ about this or that social norm. Stick to the topic: why does your complaint make you a happier person and the world a happier place?

[Jen]

Gretchen, I'm not sure whether it has become acceptable to talk on cell phones, or if those who do just *think* it has become acceptable. A Subway sandwich shop has put up a sign that tells people who are talking on the phone to go to the back of the line, and they can order when they are finished. (The story is up on Consumerist.) The overwhelming majority of commenters on the post support Subway's move, and the post has had more than 96,000 views.

I encourage anyone who talks on their cell phones while ordering or in line, or interacting with a cashier to rethink how this is perceived by others. Some self-awareness could go a long way towards overall happiness ("It's important to be nice to EVERYONE.") :-)

[Charles in UK]

I have a friend who commented on how calm I was when driving. This made me examine his driving manner, which was get upset about the driving of other people.

I think the difference between us is that I know I make mistakes, and I make allowances for other people to make mistakes also. I am not perfect, I find I am in the wrong lane for a turn, or I forget to indicate, or a dozen other things which though small, appear to annoy my friend when he observed them done by other drivers. His driving is very good but, as he points out himself, nobody is perfect.

When I returned to work after becoming a new father, I checked my phone was working every few minutes. We finally had child after losing two, and I didn't care who I annoyed as I checked on my daughters progress. I was being annoying by choice.

The first step to inner calm in the face of others mis-doings is to admit that we might sometime make a mistake, wrong decision, or do something in public which others may not appreciate. Then, instead of getting upset when others do this, think sympathetic thoughts about the poor person who got it wrong this time, or doesn't know any better, or has got into such a state that something they know is wrong actually seems like the right thing to do.

I like to imagine that I live in a world where I can make a mistake, or be wrong, and be forgiven.

[Jax]

I completely agree with Michael on the texting going on in concerts and at movies. I've been at movies, where some lout in front kept distracting me by texting or websurfing on his phone. The glow of the LCD screen was so annoying.

Also went to a free outdoors concert and dance performance recently. Two nearby groups kept chattering. Now, I know this is an outdoors park event and therefore different from the usual closed venue. However, what's the point of going to a performance and not being able to shut up for even 10 minutes to take in what is going on??? Why not just have a picnic in a park where there's no performances to disrupt??? Why is it so hard for some people to keep their mouths shut for even an hour???

OK, I guess this is the opposite of what Gretchen was advocating... hehe. I've used it as an excuse to spew about things that annoy me.

[Jim R.]

There are some changes that I would argue we should think carefully and long before accepting, such as:

- the increasing trend to forget about observing traffice laws (which endangers others),
- the increasing reluctance to adhere to many other laws and societal norms (do I hear my mother's voice in my ear: "If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you, too?"... ;-)

Change by itself can be either good/bad (or productive/unproductive, if you object to ethical terms), positive/negative in the results of the change. Take some of our McEating habits, which have resulted in health problems and with being inundated with pharmaceutical ads for all kinds of cholesterol/hypertension/etc. medications (rather than saying - 'Okay, we should learn healthier eating patterns.'

My $0.02. Choose to ignore at your own risk (and if you're on the same road as I am, mine as well).

Jim

[Vivian Louden]

The responses to the post proved the point of the post! I believe that was that people get very peeved about their pet peeves and should work actively to make change or get over it. A critical element to happiness is to realize that we are each only in control of ourselves. Often, we don't even have influence over other people and situations. I, too, am annoyed by loud talk on the cell phone in public. So, I enforce my rules in my sphere--if people talk on their cells at my dinner table, I ask them to leave the table! If they are talking too loudly at another table, I ask them to lower their voices. And, I am just d@#$ glad to get any invitations at all--no matter how they arrive! V

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