Happiness Project: Think about rituals.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

Until I started my Happiness Project, I didn’t think much about rituals and whether they made me happy.

But when I reflected on them, I realized that I find rituals both calming and energizing (this is no paradox, and in fact, is a very desirable, happy state).

For example, In my high school, exams were taken VERY seriously, and the process was always the same. When everyone was settled at a desk, the teacher would pass out the papers, and we’d lay them face down. She’d return to the front of the classroom, look at the clock, and say quietly, “It is now 9:10. You have two hours. Be sure to read all instructions carefully”—then a dramatic pause—“you may turn over your test paper and begin.”

This familiar, grave, quiet formula made the start of an exam into a little ritual that helped put me in the right frame of mind to face a stressful exam.

I was astonished when I went to college to find a completely chaotic exam-taking process. People would hurry to the professor’s desk, grab a paper, and shove each other out of the way to sit down. When the end of the exam was announced, some people would keep writing for ten or fifteen more minutes before a TA snatched away their blue books.

This lack of ritual left me rattled and distracted – just the opposite of how I’d approached exams in high school.

Along the same lines, the Little Girl just started “camp,” and I’d braced myself for a dismissal when they’d all rush out of the door helter-skelter as we adults pushed amongst ourselves to try to scoop up the right kid. Intead, after singing a good-bye song, the children stand in a circle in the classroom, while the grown-ups wait in a line outside the door. The counselors call the children’s names, one by one, and the child comes to the door to get a big hug and to leave. The orderliness and deliberateness of this process keeps everyone calm and cheerful.

Whenever I sit down to work, in my office or at a coffee shop or at New York Society Library, I run through a series of updates, checks, synchronizations, and switching on of various devices and programs. It’s both soothing and energizing to perform my machine ritual.

So think about rituals in your life. Take a moment to savor the enjoyable ones. Think about opportunities to heighten the experience of an ordinary occasion by treating it with special deliberation—particularly if it’s a stressful or emotional experience. Discussing a child’s report card. Giving a performance review. Packing for a trip. Getting ready for a date.

Studies show that family traditions and family rituals encourage children’s social development and boost feelings of family cohesiveness. But they’re not just important for children.

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I was intrigued this story in Gimundo about a Canadian non-profit that started the website Thank Your Donor where blood-donation recipients can relate their stories and their thanks to blood donors. One of my major interests is increasing rates of organ donation, and this is an interesting strategy to help people understand the importance of this kind of action.

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Comments

[kristine]

Hmm. This sounds a little OC and I prefer living my life a little more spontaneously, but worth a try, I guess. :) Thanks!

[crave]

i'll give anything a go :)

http://www.socialsupremacy.com

[Meg Renicker]

It does speak to the way you are, you like organization. Not so long ago I would have agreed with the previous comment, but when I seriously think about it, the times that I am calmer in my day, I get more done in a better way. As an extravert I am always on the look-out for ways of not aggravating people. The more organized and calm I am, the better things go.

Its a caring procedure, if you don't care about yourself or those around you, it isn't necessary to take the time for this sort of behavior and attitude. I have just come to the realization that I have felt like I was invisible all my life and could behave anyway I wanted to and no one would notice. Recently I have recognized that this isn't true and have embarrassed myself quite badly. I think that is the tip of my Happiness Project.

Thanks for listening,

Meg

[Emily]

Great post! I totally agree w/ the loveliness of ritual. Things like writing in my journal and reading before I go to bed definitely make my day better.
Thanks for the organ donation link, too! As a lung-transplant recipient I am always on the look out for stories like this. I sent a thank you letter to my donor's family at the my one year anniversary. Saying "thank you" seemed extremely inadequate, but I'm glad I did it.

[Sammy]

I can't help noticing that you have a very unhappy face in your photo.

[Gecko]

Haha, I had no idea all teachers said that at the start of exams, I thought it was just mine being dramatic!

[Sue]

I have just turned 61. Over my life I have discovered that doing things for other people makes me happiest. Some people go through life never discovering that truth. Sue

[Jason]

First, I don't think Gretchen looks unhappy in her photo! Maybe change is good and having a new pic is something she might consider - but I think the current one looks very smart and to me gives a sense of integrity.. Funny how we read peoples faces isn't it??

Second.. I am not sure if rituals make me happy - but listening to the new Van Morrison CD Keep It Simple has a great song that makes me happy hearing it --- called Behind the Ritual which has these lines in it:

Behind the ritual, behind the ritual
You find the spiritual, you find the spiritual
Behind the ritual in the days gone by

--- Music makes me happy, it isn't the same just reading the lyrics... Give this CD a listen if you have ever enjoyed Van Morrisons stuff - it has at least 3 or 4 songs that will make you smile =)

Cheers!

[Mitchell]

I'm kind of old and not too swift. I enjoy your emails and the website but I wonder about them and the website. Isn't it all a bit preaching to the converted. I mean, the thrust seems to be: I'm happy so I want to learn to be even more happy.

But where does it leave those of us who aren't especially happy or have trouble achieving (yeah, yeah, bad word) happiness. I suppose the book isn't meant for people like us pretty much. I certainly don't a sense of much concern from the emails and blog.

[Ella]

Ever since seventh grade, I have had the same "get your game face on" song (can't tell you what it is, but it's a song that was popular when I was in seventh grade and hasn't been popular since!). I listened to that song before every major exam in high school, college, and law school; before my clerkship interview; before my wedding; before my interview for my current job; and I still listen to it on my iPod before every oral argument in court. I don't know whether it is a ritual or a good-luck charm, but it is definitely both calming and energizing.

[Debra]

Rituals also help children to prepare for what's next easing their transitions.

To Kristine's point - spontaneity and rituals aren't mutually exclusive. My children know what to expect before school, before bedtime, etc. but that doesn't mean we don't deviate on occasion or have ice cream for dinner sometimes :) Having rituals (or routines) just seems to work for us.

[Gretchen Rubin]

On the small point -- about my photo -- this is literally the only decent digital image I have of myself, so it's the one I use. Maybe when my book is coming out, I'll get another picture taken that looks happier. At least the color is boosted -- it was very washed out, until some kind reader fixed that for me.

On the larger point -- whether this blog is really for people who are already happy, and doesn't address issues of those who are unhappy.

First I would distinguish unhappiness and depression. I consider depression its own category -- outside the happy/unhappy spectrum. Some of these strategies might help, but if you are depressed, that's very serious and may require serious attention. Sometimes depression is brief and in response to an appropriate situation, but sometimes it's not.

As for people who are unhappy -- I hope that the strategies I discuss would help a person become happier. Everyone has his or her own inborn temperament, and that can't really be changed. But I do absolutely believe that we can boost ourselves up to the top of our personal ranges with our conscious actions -- or, on the other hand, push ourselves down to the bottom. I hope this blog is useful to folks wherever they fall.

[Gabrielle]

We all have rituals, even if we are very spontaniouse. I believe you are right Gretchen, it does have a calming effect on people. It's like a form of guidance on one level, people are certain of themselves when preforming a ritual that they have done many times before. I also agree about the differance between high school and university exams; the carefully planed drama of high school exams is part of the mental preparation for many people.

[John Sherry]

I agree with a ritual though, as I say on my blog, I believe we need a spi-ritual. A ritual for our inner spirit to keep it burning, alive and energised. You see this spirit in a community or in children so we too must keep ours fed by following regular feel good activities that power who we really are. From fishing to friendship, movies to meditation we need to honour our true selves. It's not religion but uniqueness. So to lift your spirits you first have to not let them fade. Have fun friends being a spi-ritual person!!