How to drop bad habits and gain good habits.

I was fascinated by Charles Duhigg's's article in last Sunday’s New York Times, Warning: Habits May Be Good For You. In particular, I was struck by this observation:

"[S]tudies revealed that as much as 45 percent of what we do every day is habitual — that is, performed almost without thinking in the same location or at the same time each day, usually because of subtle cues. For example, the urge to check e-mail or to grab a cookie is likely a habit with a specific prompt. Researchers found that most cues fall into four broad categories: a specific location or time of day, a certain series of actions, particular moods, or the company of specific people."

These findings seem hugely interesting, because much of what I’m doing with my Happiness Project is to change my habits and my automatic responses. I’ve been thinking about whether there’s a way for me to apply that information to my own habits.

One of my worst habits is hair-twisting. I twist my hair constantly, and what’s worse, I break it off (that’s the fun part for me). If you look carefully at the hair on the left side of my head, you can see a line. I twist my hair when I’m reading, thinking, sitting, and waiting in line. I do it when I’m feeling peaceful and serene, or anxious, or tired. It’s hard for me to see how I could use this new information to break that habit, because it's such a ubiquitous behavior. Also, if I'm honest with myself, I don’t really want to break myself of the habit. (Hair-twisters, are you with me?) So I don't have the will to make the change.

But I am going to try applying this information to my habit of stopping in the kitchen each time I walk through my front door. After dumping my stuff, I always head to the fridge or a cabinet for a little smackerel of something, even if I’m not hungry—without even consciously deciding to get a snack.

This seems like a straightforward habit that I could break, by training myself to run through a different pattern whenever I come home. I need to think about what I'd like my new habit to be.

Does anyone have any good tips or success stories about breaking bad habits? Or adopting new ones?

*
I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Comments

[Tootie]

That is so true. Habits always get a bad name because they're usually associated with the phrase "bad habits." But I forget that there's good ones, too!

I've gotten in a habit of exercising. For me, it's helped keeping a goal in mind. In my crazy case, it's training for my first marathon.

Good post!

[Cecily T]

Oh, I'm a fellow hair twister. I don't break mine, but if it's long enough, I rub it on my face in addition to the twisting. I swing back and forth between "It's not harmful so why should I stop?" to "It looks weird and I should only do it in private". Shrug. I know what you mean about going through the kitchen for sure.

I find things easiest when it's tagged onto something else, like showering after brushing teeth. I wish I could tack watering my plants and exercising onto something, but with a 1yo, I sort of fly by the seat of my pants most of the time.

[Jessica]

I'm a hair twister, and I am with you. I don't break my hair off, though; I'm more in line with Cecily T's comment. Been twisting my hair since I was a little girl, when I twisted the ends of my braids. It is mostly an unconscious habit at this point; I catch myself doing it and don't remember having started. And you're right: I don't want to stop, even though I know it appears immature and irritates others. I've broken myself of the habit several times (first time way back in 8th grade), only to start again later. It's a little embarrassing that I'm so attached to a self-soothing habit like that well into my 30s.

[Shanel Yang]

The best way I've found to break any old habit is to replace it with a new one for at least one week. I like to break my bad food habits by extended fasts and am finishing up my second one just now (10 days water fast and 5 days raw food post-fast). I chronicle that in my Fasting Log at http://shanelyang.com/blogs/fasting-log/

Fasting is a proven effective way to quit smoking, drugs, alcohol, and any number of bad foods and behaviors. It's much easier for me to do not have to think about specific foods -- what to eat and what not to eat -- so I fast. Then, during the fast, there's lots of time to really think about what foods and behaviors I'm going to reintroduce into my life. Consequently, it's much easier to stay away from those things I want to cut out of my life at least for as long as I choose to stay vigilant afterwards. New habits take time to take root and grow strong. I'm shooting for 6 months of vigilance this time! : )

[R. M. Koske]

Hm. The snacking habit is a tough one for me to make suggestions for because *my* first impulse on coming home is to go to the kitchen to get a glass of water! I would suggest subbing a beverage for a snack, but I really don't think that would work. You might get a drink along with the snack already, and it would be too easy to switch to doing both even if it isn't the current habit.

I don't have any firm suggestions, but I do have a couple of thoughts:
It might be easier to replace the habit if you can figure out what the snack means. It's a bit woo woo, I know, but I think it does help. Does it symbolize relaxation on arriving home? Sitting down and taking off your shoes with a nice long sigh might work. Do you frequently come home with low blood sugar or some similar problem that food helps, so you've made snacking a habit even when you don't have the problem? Making the snacking more of a deliberate choice might be enough. Could you be thirsty and grabbing food instead? Filling a water bottle before you start toward home and sipping on the way might help, though you'll probably need something to halt the habit at home, too. Substituting a habit or activity that fills the same need, or explictly realizing the "need" you're trying to fill isn't a real one makes it easier.

The other thought was more one of scale. Do you need a two second distraction to make you go left into the living room instead of right into the kitchen, or do you need a ten-minute distraction to keep you out of the kitchen until you've fallen firmly into your "at home" habits instead of your "just arrived" habits?

Because I'm after a drink, I really can't imagine anything that would keep me out of the kitchen for long after I've just arrived home, but I'm sure you'll come up with something!

[Avani-Mehta]

To stop old habits and gain new ones:
* Start with one habit at a time - ie is one habit to lose and one habit to replace the lost one
* Keep reminders for both everywhere and enroll people in it as well
* Celebrate everytime you do them successfully
* Have small landmarks to show how far you have reached
* Have empowering and inspiring reasons for stopping old habits and gaining new ones. Till you are not inspired, you are not motivated. And if you aren't motivated, this can be real tough.
* Talk to those who have already achieved what you have set out to achieve, and take their input. It's specific to what you want hence it helps
* Don't compromise even once. Once you let go, it gets difficult to stay on track.

That's about it I guess. Best of luck.
Love & Happiness,
Avani

[R. M. Koske]

Oops. I just re-read your post and you weren't really asking for suggestions on changing your specific habit, but on habit-changing in general.

My first post pretty much shows how I do it, though. If I'm breaking a habit, I look at why I do what I do, figure out how big the new habit needs to be to replace it, and then, like Cecily T, I try to tie the new habit to an existing one. For new habits that aren't replacing something, I mostly just tie them to existing habits. I've never succeeded at creating an early-evening/just arrived home habit because other than getting a drink, I either don't have habits or don't notice them, so there's nothing to tie to.

(I'm thinking about it now and seeing more patterns in my arriving home, so maybe I'll be able to tie things to that part of my day better. Heh, your post helped me while I was trying to help you! Thanks!)

[Jim]

Leo at zenhabits.net has had a lot to say about this particular issue. I've found it to be very useful.

[KCCC]

I second the recommendation for zenhabits.net. Also see http://www.everydaysystems.com/ - most of that is about managing specific habits.

[Linda]

When I was suffering from depression a few months ago I realized I had a bad habit of negative thinking. So I trained myself to stop the neg thinking and replace it with an affirmation or rephrasing of the thought to something positive. It works like a charm and I began to feel better quickly - cognitive behavioral therapy.
Great post - thanks!

[adora]

I am currently in the middle of the Productivity 501 30-day Habit Course. Much like your happiness resolution chart, the first email came with a list which you can track the bad habits you want to break and good habits you want to start. I find it very helpful.
http://www.productivity501.com/courses/

Researcher find that a habit is formed when we do something for 21 consecutive days. It is also the same with breaking a habit, that is why a lot of rehab center is run on 21-day basis. Maybe you can try not touching your hair for 21 days and see what happen.

[Tim]

Use a bear, a doll or some highly visible childhood symbol and put it right in your path to the kitchen. When you see it for the next seven times say to yourself "the years are short" and bend your steps to go say hi to your daughters or drop note in their rooms or whatever and cherish the moment.

Reading your blog makes me happier. "Being Tim" means speaking from the heart.
Thankyou.

[Helen]

The best way to stop doing something is to replace it with an 'incompatible behaviour' - something that blocks you from performing your original habit. And of course the new habit should be more useful or less harmful than the old one.

If you want to stop twisting your hair, find something else that keeps your hand busy so you cannot use it to twist your hair. Rosary beads? A hand exercise ball?

[Gretchen Rubin]

Great suggestions.

Hmmmm...have you seen any actual studies about the it-takes-21-days-to-form-a-habit? I haven't been able to find that. I have tried to do many things, and to stop many things, and have found that for me, 21 days doesn't seem to do the trick AT ALL.

[Meredith Mathews]

"Fasting" from any habit can work with the right dose of diligence and will power. You can even go at it for the recommended 21 days or longer (to help develop a new habit), but the original habit may resurface unless you address the psychology behind it. So before you knock a particular habit, ask yourself why it persists in the first place.

Oh, and I believe the 21-day concept was
first introduced by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, in a book titled, "Psycho-Cybernetics" (1971).

[Mark - Productivity501]

You could try taking up smoking instead.

I'm partially joking--about the smoking part anyway. Personally I find it is easier to break one habit by replacing it with something else--especially something more enjoyable than the original habit.

For example, if you want to avoid heading to the fridge when you first get home, give yourself something else to do when you arrive. Maybe you get a book of jokes and when you get home you read a few pages. Maybe you get a DVD series of a show you really like and watch part of an episode. Maybe you make two prank phone calls. If you can find something else to make into a routine--something that you enjoy doing, it will be a lot easier to break the snacking habit.

[Gabrielle]

Sometimes just adding something to the routine can help. If the pattern is upset enough times, new patterns for in it's place.

[Nania]

"You might say it's self indolgeing/ you might say it's self destructive/ but you see I'd kick the bucket/ a thousand times before I'd kick the habit"

Excert from "bad habit" by The Dresden Dolls.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the idea of tying a habit to a particular time or event or something like that. I’m not sure I’ve thought in those terms much before.

@R. M. Koske, I love your comments. And I'm sure getting direct suggestions is appreciated; she just wants the rest of us to be able to profit from the comments, too. It's definitely good to see what kind of benefit you're getting and try to figure out a better way to get that same benefit.

I can think of three really tough habits I have successfully gotten rid of.

1) Sucking my thumb at night – things that didn’t work included making the habit unpleasant (I would just suck the Tabasco sauce off and then continue as usual), substituting a less pleasant habit (sucking the other thumb instead gradually became just as pleasant), and getting embarrassed (that worked to end the daytime thumb-sucking, but just drove it underground, really). The only thing that worked was refusing to do it until not doing it became what felt normal.

2) Biting my fingernails – I would give myself a score every week, scoring each of my fingernails for how gnawed they were. This let me see my progress better. Even when the number wasn't 100%, and even when it was a pretty horrifyingly low number, the fact that the number was usually getting better helped keep me from giving up.

However, after I quit biting my fingernails, I was very disappointed. Suddenly I had to start trimming them, and they made clicking sounds when I played the piano. If I had realized those things before, I might not have gone through the trouble.

So now I make sure to think through the possible consequences of changing a habit ahead of time. (The next habit I tackled was to try to take more initiative in choosing my friends. I thought about it ahead of time and realized that the way I was currently doing things, I knew all of my friends were real friends because they had all chosen me. So, if I started taking initiative, some of my friends might not really be my friends, but just being polite. I decided I was willing to take that risk, and that if they’re being polite but don’t really like me, that’s their problem.)

3) Stealing from convenience stores – I think I better go anonymous here! (At least I stopped this one when I was still a kid.) The important thing I learned here is that there are different kinds of failing and that some of them nevertheless represent progress on quitting the habit. I went through the following stages:
* steal
* steal something, get home, remember that I wasn’t going to do that anymore
* steal something, remember that I wasn’t going to do that anymore before I left the store, leave the store anyway
* as I’m picking up something to steal it, I remember that I wasn’t going to do that anymore, but I do it anyway
* as I’m stealing something, I remember, and then I actually put it back
* remember that I don’t want to steal before I even pick something up
* it no longer even occurs to me to steal

Realizing that progress is being made on the inside, even when it isn’t being made on the outside, helps to keep me from giving up. And realizing that just remembering in time not to do the thing is sometimes (more than) half the battle. So maybe some kind of reminder on the refrigerator (or, if you have tunnel vision like me, on a yellow sticky stuck to the part of the refrigerator handle that you normally grab) might help. Maybe a yellow sticky with the question, “Are you hungry?”

[Kotochka]

Not to be the negative one, but I didn't find this article very helpful. The title starts with a "How to..." which implies that some information is coming my way that can help me to take action about something.

The quote from Charles Duhigg's article starts to get at the meat of the matter (there are specific cues that get us to do habitual things), but then that line of thinking is never developed. Gretchen goes on to say that she twists her hair, does it at all times (so no example of any cue), and then states that she doesn't want to get rid of it. How does that tie in to the quoted article? The next habit, that of going straight to the kitchen and snacking, is a better example, but isn't developed either. It's given two sentences.

My point here is not to berate this post nor the writing, but to point out that if one is going to put information out there in the form of a how-to, one needs to follow it up with step-by-step instructions or examples of how this process can work or not work. I generally like the postings here, and share them often, but I was disappointed with this one.

[DiscoveredJoys]

Tricky things, habits. I always imagine them as ruts engraved in my brain. It takes a great deal of energy to steer directly out of the rut - so it is far better to drive around them and establish a new (better) rut! In time the old rut fills in. Alternatively you can drive against the edge of the rut, gently, and over time the rut (habit) is redirected into something less upsetting.

Zen habits http://zenhabits.net/2008/07/how-to-establish-new-habits-the-no-sweat-way/ has a recent article on the gentle steering method - kaizen - which is very good.

The 21 day limit mentioned is apparently the time it takes to grow new synaptic connections (a new habit pathway) after the growth of new brain cells (The Journal of Neuroscience 27: 9951-9961 (October 2007)); it is said that it takes a further 63 days of regular activity to consolidate what you have learnt. In other words it can take 3 months to drop an old habit!

[Eros Starr]

ever heard about NAC or NLP technique, it's very famous now..it's tal a lot about semantic brain talky

but however..we must take action

[Avi Marcus]

Indeed, these automatic reactions sound like changes that NLP would be very good at. Just read Use your Brain For A Change by Richard Bandler this week.

[Zac]

It's interesting to read about your snacking habit as soon as you come home from work. I used to do exactly that when I return from work, since my garage is attached to the house and the garage door leads in thru the kitchen. Then one day I remember coming in from the front door that leads straight into the living room. That way I did not enter the kitchen and I didn't even think of looking for any snacks.
So from then on, I have started using my front door and looking at the kitchen only when I am hungry.

[Murali]

You should read this article http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/business/13habit.html?scp=1&sq=habit&st=cse

Explains how marketers use our habits, and how we can use the same strategy to improve.

[Murali]

Ooops. I should have realized that the article link was in the main writeup. Sorry. Force of habit :-)

[Claudia]

Good tips! Thanks!
I really like the fact I can find support online. There's one blog, I've been really enjoying lately-
http://anxiousangst.blogspot.com/
Check it out if you have the time

[Amanda]

Hair twisting - it is compulsive, and only my other half shouting "Stop it!" forces me to pause and tell myself to put my hands down (yes - I do it double handed). Pavlov's dog got the right idea - or perhaps the Big Man can video you surreptitiously and show you how dim it looks!

[Parker]

I'm a hair twister! (I call it twirling.) I agree with the above that it feels so natural, I don't want to stop. My problem is the hairs break off unintentionally, so I perpetually have hair that looks like long bangs around my face. It works for me, but I'm always afraid I'll develop a bald spot.

If you ever figure out how to stop, please publicize it. Replacing the activity doesn't work for me, because nothing feels like hair-twirling. I tried twirling silky ribbons for a while, but then I caught myself holding the ribbon while I twirled my hair. Sitting on my hand or punishing myself (snapping a rubber band on my wrist) has also not worked. My only other idea is putting weights on my wrists to make myself more aware of it. I'm afraid it's incurable, though.

[Parker]

I'm a hair twister! (I call it twirling.) I agree with the above that it feels so natural, I don't want to stop. My problem is the hairs break off unintentionally, so I perpetually have hair that looks like long bangs around my face. It works for me, but I'm always afraid I'll develop a bald spot.

If you ever figure out how to stop, please publicize it. Replacing the activity doesn't work for me, because nothing feels like hair-twirling. I tried twirling silky ribbons for a while, but then I caught myself holding the ribbon while I twirled my hair. Sitting on my hand or punishing myself (snapping a rubber band on my wrist) has also not worked. My only other idea is putting weights on my wrists to make myself more aware of it. I'm afraid it's incurable, though.