Happiness Project: What Barry Manilow taught me, or, be willing to be enthusiastic.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about enthusiasm. Enthusiasim—the aptitude for enjoyment—is a key to happiness. But the thing is, it’s cooler not to be too enthusiastic. There’s a goofiness to enthusiasm, an innocence, a readiness to be pleased. It take energy, humility, and engagement.

On the other hand, taking refuge in irony, or assuming an air of philosophical ennui, is less taxing. Making cutting remarks shows your discernment and your sophistication.

It’s also less risky. I think back to one evening, when, as part of a surprise birthday party for one of my best friends, we went to a Barry Manilow concert, because my friend loves Barry Manilow. Afterward, I reflected that it showed considerable strength of character for my friend to be such an avowed Barry Manilow fan. After all, Barry Manilow is…well, Barry Manilow. It would be so much safer to mock his music, or to enjoy it in an ironic, campy way, than to admire it whole-heartedly as she did. Enthusiasm is a form of social courage.

Plus, her enthusiasm rubbed off on everyone who was with her. “Emotional contagion” is the psychological phenomenon by which we “infect” each other with our moods. The fact that my friend was so happy to be at the concert lifted all of us up. (Remember the Second Splendid Truth: One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; one of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.)

I’ve been trying to embrace this kind of zest.

Also, I’ve noticed that irony and world-weariness allow people a level of detachment from their choices: fast food, American Idol, a country-club membership. Enthusiasm implies an acceptance of that activity or possession; a discontented or detached air allows a person both to embrace and to disavow something.

I know someone who is constantly making fun of people who follow celebrity gossip. At the same time, it’s obvious from the disdainful remarks she makes that she herself follows celebrity gossip very closely. I know this because I don’t follow celebrity gossip, and I usually have no idea what she’s talking about. I have to bit my tongue not to quote Samuel Johnson’s observation of Alexander Pope, “Pope’s scorn of the Great is too often repeated to be real; no man thinks much of that which he despises.”

It seems to me that the happier course would be to allow herself to be enthusiastic, and enjoy celebrity gossip—or to stop spending any time on it, or wearying others with her objections.

For my own part, I know that once I enthusiastically embraced my passion for children’s literature, I dramatically boosted the happiness I got from it. Expressing my enthusiasm increased my feelings of enthusiasm – which fed directly into feelings of happiness.

So let yourself be enthuasistic! Admit that some goofy song is your favorite. Or whatever it might be.

*
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Comments

[Bonnie]

Gretchen, the way you feel about children's literature is the way I feel about my weird, old beauty books! It used to be a sort of secret-by-default hobby that I never mentioned. Once I realized how happy those books made me and I "came out," it gave me lots more joy.

[Pete]

This reminds me from the scene in Family Guy, the show on fox. In one episode, all the guys start bashing Barry around the table, till slowly, their true colors leak out and they each realize that they are all DIE HARD Barry fans.

Hey, if you love something, let it show. Don't worry about why you love it. Just enjoy!

http://yinvsyang.com/

[DT]

Don't you know? Earnestness is the new irony.

[Clare]

Love, love, love this post... made me think of so many different things...

I went to a British Public Boarding School (think US "Prep" School) where I was labelled as "keen", which was considered one of the worst insults. My enthusiasm for everything, and drive to try hard was seen as distinctly "uncool" by the elite, spoilt, much wealthier students that made up most of the school population. Being stubborn, I refused to change my temperament, which caused me a lot of grief and unhappiness at the time. However, it also got me into Cambridge University, much to the chagrin of those same students who did not get in, despite Daddy's money and position. More to the point, it got me started on the career and personal paths that have led me to the fulfilling and happy life I have now.

I often wonder what the trade-off would have been if I had succumbed to that peer pressure and become disdainful of "trying too hard".

[Terri D.]

*Loved* this post...signed, a woman of taste who reads Jane Austen in public but secretly weeps whenever someone wins a car on "The Price is Right".

[Andrea]

So true. I'm sincere to the point of earnestness and it frequently gets me in trouble with people who prefer irony ('trouble' as in I take what they say seriously and respond that way when they are trying to be funny. oops). Yesterday I stood in the park near my city apartment taking pictures of and talking to deer. Got some funny looks.

By the way, a friend of mine posted this on her blog today and I thought you might enjoy it:

http://leesvoice.blogspot.com/2008/08/rerun-motivation-and-happiness.html

[Fit Bottomed Girl]

I'm a group exercise instructor, so I rarely have problems in the enthusiasm department, perhaps even to my detriment at times. HOWEVER, I usually only blare really bad teen pop music in the refuge of my own home. However, I think you've just inspired me to leave the windows down on the drive home today. Confession: I ADORE Fergie.

Ah, the feeling of liberation.

[Rich]

I love this! It discusses something I've struggled with since I decided James Dean was the coolest thing I'd seen. I need more Polyanna. Fonzie seems somewhere between the two, but better to just jump in and enjoy the cold water.

/rich

[Meg Renicker]

Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen, how do you do it. There must be something in the air. As the gal said earlier this week, when something starts to come into my mind you seem to do an article on it. I've noticed this before but thot that it was just my imagaination. Today's writing on levels of enthusiasim are exactly what I am dealing with and you were able to articulate for me.

I downplay my level of enjoyment at every opportunity I get. Negative and sarcastic are the traits that follow me into every situation. Even my dog behaves this way. So fussy for a dog, doesn't like most food, men, other dogs . . . wonder where she got that from ??? DUH! I believe she mirrors my life. I don't get invited out much, after your column and a few thoughtful moments (I'm at work and can't cry) I realize that I have seen that as part of being an adult, to take the fun out of things for myself. If God wants me to have fun, He'll make it possible. Our city is celebrating its 150th Birthday this long w/e in Canada and I have no plans. I told someone, "I live here why would I go downtown and drive myself crazy with all the crownds??" I dunno, cuz its fun and the tall ships will be in and Burton Cummings, Sarah McLaughlin, etc will be here?? Yup, sounds pretty stoooopid to me. Guess that's what I'll do. Sit home and count my cash that I'm saving by not going and having any fun. Good one, Meg!!!!!!

signed Yours Impossibly.

[Joanne]

Love this post. Sometimes we stand in the way of our own happiness worrying what others might think. Let that enthusiasm rise; you love something for yourself, to live a full life!

[Kelsey]

So, so true.

I'll admit my enthusiasm for an "uncool" singer... Dan Folgerberg. I've taken so much teasing from friends for liking his music. It's simply not acceptable for a 28 year old to like folk music. But I do. It makes me happy.

:)

[Elysbeth]

Campy song....Smile by Vitamin C.

[Michael]

Growing up in California, I always dreamed of living in a place where it snowed. I came back east for college and the first time we had a snowstorm I ran around shouting, "it's a winter wonderland! It's a winter wonderland!"

It's now my lifetime tradition. If snow comes and I don't show my enthusiasm for it, winter hasn't started!

[Anwen]

I've always worn my passions on my sleeve. I'm now considered endearingly weird by my friends. There's nothing better than meeting somebody else who thinks your kitch vase or 'emabrrasing' taste in whatever is as cool as you do. That's when you know you've met a true soulmate.

[Gretchen Rubin]

I love these comments! It's so true that expressing enthusiasm just makes you feel your own enthusiasm all the more keenly -- and to not express it, squashes it.

Speaking of winter in college -- I'm from Missouri, so snow was nothing new to me. But I still remember the joyful night, the first time it snowed my first year in college, when all the freshmen to whom it was new went outside and went crazy. One of my roommates was from Puerto Rico, and she was beside herself. The thing is, this didn't seem uncool to all the jaded snow folk, but gave us a tremendous kick -- and allowed us to experience that winter wonderland feeling for ourselves, again.

But it can be goofy! No doubt about it!But it's sure a happier way to live.

[Thomas Tilluca Han]

Hi Gretchen,
I think your Happiness Project is wonderful. It took me the better part of my misguided adult life to reach the conclusion that happiness is really THE project of life -- especially since one's own grows in proportion to helping others. As usual, I'm behind the curve: only last night I picked up your Churchill book, and boy, it just wreaked havoc with my bedtime schedule. I couldn't go to sleep!! It was THAT fun!!
So, speaking of enthusiasm and its connection to happiness, yeah, goofiness is definitely par for the course there, and I am grateful that I have a defect of character that prevents me from giving a flying phuq about appearing goofy.
My wife (and I) still say OH NEAT!!!! when we see something that delights us... and we are easily delighted by anything delightful. :D And we're fast approaching 50 !!
Well, your book delighted me enough to squeal "OH NEAT!" several times last night, and then to look you up on the net. And so here I am. BTW, this is the first time I have ever written anything on anyone's BLOG.
Kinda neat! Maybe I'll BLOG more from now on.
Since it's my first time blogging (here), let me say that I think it's wonderful that there are solid, sane, but totally whiplash smart people like you out there. You see, I am an academic, and thus I have to put up with an awful lot of miserly attitudes and anger -- in person or in print.
So, THANK YOU !! for moving the great Caravan of Happiness onward... like it was the Peace Train (Cat Stevens).

[MJ]

I like Gordon Lightfoot's music - and now I won't be quite as secretive about it.

I've also NEVER heard anything by Radiohead, and I'll continue to not care (there is so much out there, why would I need to hear everyone else's "hip" bands).

[Susan K. Morrow]

Thank you for this! It reminded me to go to my iTunes and download "Copacabana", a long-time favorite. My daughters and I often enjoy a little Barry Manilow or a lot of ABBA on car trips. I definitely like your affirmation of my enjoyment of all that I enjoy. I've always been this way, and I think it's key to happiness. Thanks for the insight!

[Tim]

Ouch. This is something my wife regularly calls me on: do you really dislike this or are you being cool...

I associate this with letting your inner child out to play. It has taken me YEARS to admit I really enjoy ice-cream, rolling down grass banks, cheerful songs with lots of clapping and cartoons. You get funny looks when you let the enthusiasm rip, but I always just put those on the "educating others" budget...

Thankyou for the somanyeth time...

Tim

[Sam]

This is so true! I just went to see Mamma Mia with some friends and I had every intention of disliking it, but it was so joyous and my friends were having so much fun watching that I gave in and had a lovely time!

[sheila]

I took the advice of being "a good observer" all too seriously. Had heard it was necessary for being a good writer or a good scientist.

While being a good observer is in general better than being oblivious, I find that I am so caught up in observing that I do not participate or actually enjoy an outing.

It is as if my only goal in going somewhere is to be able to write about it later. How stupid is that?

[Ed]

Great post. Being cool is a double edged sword, you avoid social derision at the cost of embracing what you actually love.

[Buffy]

A timely reminder to be true to what you really believe in and enjoy, despite what society tells you about what's cool and what isn't. And also I've noticed how fashionable it has become to be cynical and scornful of anything with meaning, even to the point of rudeness, and this is not a healthy attitude for society to have.

[Christine]

With all the disingenuous messages that zip past us everyday, it is always refreshing to meet folks who are unguarded in the way of expressing their joy...my kids show me their unselfconscious happiness everyday and I think we adults need to try to remember the abandon with which we once explored our world...who says joy is only for the little ones?

[Sandra E]

I love Barry Manilow, his music and I don't understand why people think we should like any kind of stuff but Barry's. Now, If you're looking for a good addition to your list, here's what he said in his Live At The Gershwin show
"You can give in, you can give out, but you don't give up"

And there's a great life lesson "No complaints and no regrets"