The Happiness Project

Happiness Project: Look out the window.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. The Happiness Project isn’t just a book and a blog; it’s a way of life, and each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

One of my resolutions is to “Cultivate gratitude,” and one way I do that is to try to remind myself of how precious an ordinary day is.

In the tumult of everyday life, it’s very hard to stay attuned to the familiar beauty that I see constantly. One reason I like to go on vacation is that when I return, I see again, with fresher eyes, the landscape of my neighborhood.

We don’t have any “views” from our apartment. We have great light, which is a real luxury in New York City (and if I had to pick between good light and a good view, I’d pick good light), but even though we face an apartment building, and another apartment building, and the top of a shaft, there are still beautiful things to see when we look out.

From our kitchen, we can see an building face that’s covered with ivy. It’s a great pleasure to watch the breeze make the mass of leaves tremble and sway together, like a wave running vertical. At night, it’s cozy and intriguing, in a Rear Window-ish kind of way, to see the snippets of people’s lives being enacted across the street, one floor on top of another.

And we enjoy seeing Exercise Guy. His window is closer to us, and we have a good view of whether he’s doing his morning exercises on his elliptical machine, or not. My girls get a big kick out of checking and announcing, “Exercise Guy is exercising today!” Or “Exercise Guy hasn’t exercised one day this week!”

My office is in a teeny room on the roof of our building; it was converted from a storage room that had taken
the place of a water tower. My window there looks out on air-conditioning equipment and the tops of ducts where they poke out of the tarred roof. Not much to see.

But even there, I’ve been trying to discipline myself to look at these window and not just let my eyes slide over the familiar scene without taking in the quality of light, the way the trees on the terrace across the street look against the sky, the patches of cloud that float above the roofs.

As Samuel Johnson said, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”

Or as Yogi Berra said, “You can observe a lot by watching.”

So look out your window. Really notice what you see. Watch how the view changes over the course of the day, and as the seasons change. Try to pay attention to the way things look. Three quotations is too many for one post, and I just quoted this line from Gertrude Stein a few days ago, but I can’t help myself: “Anything one does every day is important and imposing and anywhere one lives is interesting and beautiful.”

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Using up my coins -- strangely thrilling.

For the last week, I've been making a concerted effort to use up the big piles of coins we have in various corners around our apartment. I leave each day with a backpack that weighs an extra three pounds in quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies.

It's a bit ridiculous how satisfying I find it to see the piles shrinking, and to count out $3.50 in change when I buy a cone of Tasti D-Lite.

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Thanks to a tip from Marci Alboher, of the always-useful, always-interesting New York Times blog, Shifting Careers, I checked out Zone by Zone. Lots of great material there.

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Are you boring? Seven tips for knowing if you're boring someone.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Seven tips for knowing if you’re boring someone.

In one of my favorite movies, a quirky documentary called Sherman’s March, the documentary maker’s former high school teacher tells him, “As people get older, they get more like themselves. And you’re getting more boring.” I’ve never forgotten that.

Like most people, probably, I have several pet subjects that I love to talk about – subjects that are sometimes interesting to other people, and sometimes not. Don’t get me started on happiness, or obesity, or children’s literature, or Winston Churchill, unless you really want to talk about it. (I do manage to be very disciplined about not talking about my children too much.)

I’ve developed a list of signs to look for, as indicators that I might be boring someone. Just because a person isn’t actually walking away or changing the subject doesn’t mean that that person is genuinely engaged in a conversation. One challenge is that the more socially adept a person is, the better he or she is at hiding boredom. It’s a rare person, however, who can truly look fascinated while stifling a yawn.

Here are the factors I watch, when trying to figure out if I’m connecting with someone. These are utterly unscientific – I’m sure someone has made a proper study of this, but these are just my observations (mostly from noting how I behave when I’m bored and trying to hide it):

1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who says, “Oh really? Oh really? That’s interesting. Oh really?” is probably not too engaged.

2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. “When did you move?” “Where did you go?” People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness.

3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similiarly…

4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you’re saying will need you to elaborate or to explain. “What does that term mean?” “When exactly did that happen?” “Back up and tell me what happened first” are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you’re saying.

5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking in a conversation because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it’s true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that’s a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren’t doing that, they probably just want the conversation to end faster.

6. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn fully to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn’t fully embracing the conversation.

Along the same lines, if you’re a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you’re saying:

7. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper in 1885 called “The Measurement of Fidget.” He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that’s upright and still is interested, while an audience that’s horizontal and squirmy is bored.

I often remind myself of La Rochefoucauld’s observation, “We are always bored by those whom we bore.” If I’m bored, there’s a good chance the other person may be bored, too. Time to find a different subject.

Have you figured out any ways to tell if you’re boring someone?

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Great material at the popular and valuable blog, Escape From Cubicle Nation. If you’ve never checked it out, it’s worth jumping over to take a look.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Lost my temper yesterday. Try again today to do better.

Yesterday, I sure had a less-than-perfect happiness-project day with my family. My greatest struggles, day in and day out, are with my sharp temper, my impatience, and my loss of sense of humor about being teased -- and those are the places where I repeatedly slipped up.

Funnily enough, I didn’t feel particularly cranky. When I know I’m out of sorts, I guard my temper, but because I felt cheery, I wasn’t watching myself. This kind of situation shows the importance of self-knowledge – clearly, beneath the surface, something was bugging me, but I hadn’t acknowledged it. For some reason, I was on edge, and it showed.

After my worst bout of “snapping” (my term for it) or “talking in a mean voice” (the Big Girl’s term for it), I made excuses for myself, thinking, “I deserve a little special consideration.” I could think of several justifications for why I deserved a little consideration.

Then it occurred to me that if I’d asked the Big Man or my two daughters if they deserved special consideration that afternoon, they would have said, “Absolutely!” And they would have had a good reason to expect it, too.

I rallied, and peace was restored in my family; I don't want to beat myself up in a tiresome way -- but I do want to gain fresh zeal from my regret about the way I behaved. Oh well, today is another day, and a fresh column on my Resolutions Chart.

I remind myself, once again, of what Samuel Johnson (one of the patron saints of resolution-makers) noted in his diary: “I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions.”

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The terrific site Get Rich Slowly had a fascinating post today about Thirteen Steps to a Better Life -- lots of great suggestions for how to be happier.

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Happiness quotation from Adam Smith.

“The consciousness, or even the suspicion, of having done wrong, is a load upon every mind, and is accompanied with anxiety and terror in all those who are not hardened by long habits of iniquity.” --Adam Smith, The Theory of Moral Sentiments

That's why I've found that when I behave myself better, and manage to keep my resolutions, I feel happier. Knowing that I've lost my temper, failed to use good manners, behaved thoughtlessly, etc., makes me anxious, even as I'm making excuses for myself.

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Happiness Project: Pick a favorite.

I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you should have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.

The Happiness Project is more than a book or a blog – it’s a way of life.

During this visit to see my parents in Kansas City, I realized that one of the reason that we have so much fun here is that we spend a lot of time visiting our “favorites” – our favorite dime store (The Dime Store), our favorite diner (Winstead’s), our favorite BBQ place (several contenders for this), our favorite book store (Rainy Day Books), our favorite ice cream store (Fooz).

At home in New York City, though, we don’t really think this way. Take dinner, for example. Sometimes, on Sunday evening, we go out for an early family dinner. But instead of saying, “Yippeee, let’s go to our favorite restaurant!” our attitude, “Where shall we go for dinner? Well, we can’t be bothered to think of anyplace new, so let’s just go back to Luke’s. That’s convenient.”

That attitude is a lot less fun, a lot less festive. After all, if we always go to Luke’s, it IS our favorite place. Why not embrace it and enjoy it? Saying we’re going to our favorite place makes a visit seem more fun. Just saying that something is a treat can be enough to make it feel like a treat.

Having a “favorite” also boosts the feeling of tradition. It’s more gratifying to think, “We have a tradition of going to Luke’s, our favorite place, for a special family dinner,” than to think, “When we’re too tired to cook, we go around the corner to some quick, easy place.”

The “Pick a favorite” resolution just struck me yesterday, so I’m still thinking about how I might apply it myself. I'd love to hear from any readers who are already following the resolution to "Pick a favorite" themselves.

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I’ve started sending out short monthly newsletters that will highlight the best of the previous month’s posts. If you’d like to sign up, click on the link in the upper-right-hand corner of my blog. Or just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “newsletter” in the subject line. I’ll add your name to the list.

Exercise: Nine tips for staying motivated to exercise.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Nine tips for staying motivated to exercise.

Everyone knows that exercise is a KEY element to good health. The trick is keeping yourself motivated to exercise, if you’re a person who naturally relapses into the couch-potato pose.

It took me years of prodding, but I’ve finally managed to turn myself into a dedicated exerciser. I never push myself very hard (at all), but I do manage to stick with a routine.

Personally, I find it more motivating to think about short-term gratification like “I’ll sleep better” than long-term considerations like “I’ll live longer” or “If I have surgery, I’ll recover quicker.”

Here are some things to keep in mind, if you’re trying to keep yourself motivated to exercise:

1. Exercise boosts energy. It took me a long time to notice that I’d drag myself to the gym, work out for forty minutes, and leave feeling far more energetic than when I went in.

2. Exercise provides an outlet for feelings of pent-up hostility, irritation, and anger. I always find that I’m far calmer and more forbearing on days when I’ve exercised. I have a jittery, high-strung nature, and exercising takes the edge off.

3. Repetitive, rhythmic motion of exercises like walking and running brings a serene mood and clarifies thinking. I’ve had all my best writing ideas when walking or running, and sometimes assign myself a particular problem to think over during a walk.

4. Sticking to an exercise regime raises your self-esteem for the very fact that you’re sticking to an exercise regime.

5. Exercise offers a chance to be alone and uninterrupted—a relief if, like me, you’re often surrounded by distractions. Or, if you prefer, exercise also offers a chance to get together with other people--a relief if, like me, you spend a lot of time working alone. I have both kinds of exercise during my week.

6. Regular exercise helps to keep your body chemicals in balance. When you experience stress, your body prepares for “fight or flight” with a huge number of biochemical reactions. A stressful event these days, however, is more likely to require a phone call than a sprint uphill. The potentially damaging byproducts of the stress response, such as cortisol, nevertheless continue to pump through the body, and exercise helps offset that effect.

7. Exercise helps you fall asleep more easily and sleep more deeply. The Big Man really notices this in himself.

8. Pure vanity can be a good motivator. Remember that people who exercise move more easily and energetically, and appear more youthful.

9. When I don’t feel like exercising, I remind myself how lucky I am to be able to move easily and without pain—no wheelchair, no crutches, no brace, no trick knee or bad back.

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A story that made me very happy -- I couldn't stop smiling.

Someone I know who lives in Geneva knows that I'm very interested in happiness, and she related the following story to me, because this incident made HER feel so happy.

I asked her if I could post it, because I found it such a gratifying incident.

"A couple of weeks ago I went into Harrods in London (huge department store I am sure you have heard of!) to buy some Minton China plates for a wedding anniversary which was to be a group gift from friends to other friends in Geneva. Having only 30 minutes between meetings, I whizzed there in a taxi from the office and battled through the milling people on the 2nd day of the sales on the ground floor up to the 5th to the china department. There was a non-descript chap standing there who was obviously a sales person who I rushed up to and asked if he had this particular china? in stock? would it take long to wrap? etc., He was amazing. He got the plates in seconds, wrapped them up, asked me if I wanted a store card to which I replied no, because I lived in Switzerland, to which he replied asking if, as I lived abroad would I like a tax rebate form, showed me what to do and produced a map of the store of where I should go for the formalities. Amazing, so I thanked him and said what wonderful service he had given me and did he give this to everyone? With that a tall man in a grey suit approached me offering his hand to shake mine saying, “Can I introduce myself, I am the Chief Executive of Harrods and what an interesting conversation I have just heard”…. He had been wandering through the store (as you should do as a hands-on CEO!) and had overheard me thanking this salesman - whose face, I can hardly describe, was – frozen in a mixture of delight awe and astonishment! Can you imagine the salesman going home to his family and friends recounting, “the day the CEO spoke to him after overhearing him being praised by a customer”……….

"This story makes everyone smile (and feel happy?!) when I tell it – so why is that I asked myself (now focussing on what and why is happiness since meeting you and your work)! The ‘underdog’ receiving recognition? the unexpected? the coincidence? …… all of that!"

For me, one of the most satisfying basic storylines is "Virtue rewarded." To have been an instrument to see virtue rewarded is thrilling to contemplate.

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Why my annual summer trip to Kansas City makes me so happy.

We’re in Kansas City now, visiting my parents. I look forward to this week all summer long.

One of the most striking things I’ve found in my study of happiness is the importance of novelty and challenge. As much as we try to keep control, achieve mastery, and maintain predictability in our lives, in fact, novelty and challenge are keys to happiness. This was hard for me to accept, at first, because I have such great love of routine and also dislike feeling incompetent. But I’ve really found it to be true.
At the same time, the very great joy in doing things the same way -- whether day after day (coffee and the paper in the same spot every day) or year after year (the same unfaltering holiday routine every year) -- should also be recognized.

One of the things that I love about this yearly summer trip to Kansas City is that we always do exactly the same things. We go to the library, Worlds of Fun amusement park, Kaleidescope, a movie at Ward Parkway, the “sprayground.” We feed the ducks at Loose Park. We eat at Winstead’s and go out for BBQ. I eat huge quantities of my favorite nonfat Belfonte yoghurt that I can’t get in New York City. We buy books at the best bookstore ever, Rainy Day Books.

The very predictability heightens the pleasure of these activities. It’s also fun to see, each year, how the girls are able to do different things – in early years, the Big Girl was too afraid to get on the rides in Camp Snoopy at the amusement park, and years later, she rode on the super-scary rollercoaster.

These activities are routine and familiar -- though of course it’s true they’re also novel in that we can’t do them in New York City. They are rare treats that we can only enjoy here.

As pleasant as they are, one issue with predictable pleasures is that they run together. Every visit to Winstead’s blends with all the others…the many trips to the blue playground can’t be distinguished in memory.

Funnily enough – and I find this very comforting to remember – one of the Secrets of Adulthood is “The things that go WRONG often make the best memories.” One of the highlights of the Big Girl’s young childhood is the day she fell into the duck pond and scraped her leg. One of my most vivid memories of the Little Girl’s babyhood is the morning at Worlds of Fun when I called the medical team because I thought she might be going into shock after a bee sting. (Turned out a bug flew into her eye.)

Because of the “negativity bias,” negative events and thoughts are more vivid and memorable than positive ones, which is unfortunate – but fortunately, many minor negative events can become adventures that will be remembered fondly, once they’re safely in the past.

One of my resolutions is to “Be a treasure house of happy memories” for my family. My one-sentence journal is useful for this purpose – I write down funny things that happen – the things that we might forget after a week or two, but which are fun to recall if I’ve written them down. I also take photos, which job my memory of specific days. That way, I remember the funny and happy times as vividly as the negative events, and I’m able to recall the tiny details that get forgotten with the passage of time.

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Alex Fayle of the terrific blog, The Someday Syndrome was kind enough to do an interview with me. We're interested in so many of the same issues, and there is so much fascinating, provocative material on that blog.

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Happiness quotation from G. K. Chesterton

"There are no chains of houses; there are no crowds of men. The colossal diagram of streets and houses is an illusion, the opium dream of a speculative builder. Each of these men is supremely solitary and supremely important to himself. Each of these houses stands in the centre of the world. There is no single house of all those millions which has not seemed to someone at some time the heart of all things and the end of travel."
--G. K. Chesterton

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