Lost my temper yesterday. Try again today to do better.

Yesterday, I sure had a less-than-perfect happiness-project day with my family. My greatest struggles, day in and day out, are with my sharp temper, my impatience, and my loss of sense of humor about being teased -- and those are the places where I repeatedly slipped up.

Funnily enough, I didn’t feel particularly cranky. When I know I’m out of sorts, I guard my temper, but because I felt cheery, I wasn’t watching myself. This kind of situation shows the importance of self-knowledge – clearly, beneath the surface, something was bugging me, but I hadn’t acknowledged it. For some reason, I was on edge, and it showed.

After my worst bout of “snapping” (my term for it) or “talking in a mean voice” (the Big Girl’s term for it), I made excuses for myself, thinking, “I deserve a little special consideration.” I could think of several justifications for why I deserved a little consideration.

Then it occurred to me that if I’d asked the Big Man or my two daughters if they deserved special consideration that afternoon, they would have said, “Absolutely!” And they would have had a good reason to expect it, too.

I rallied, and peace was restored in my family; I don't want to beat myself up in a tiresome way -- but I do want to gain fresh zeal from my regret about the way I behaved. Oh well, today is another day, and a fresh column on my Resolutions Chart.

I remind myself, once again, of what Samuel Johnson (one of the patron saints of resolution-makers) noted in his diary: “I have now spent fifty-five years in resolving; having, from the earliest time almost that I can remember, been forming schemes of a better life. I have done nothing. The need of doing, therefore, is pressing, since the time of doing is short. O GOD, grant me to resolve aright, and to keep my resolutions.”

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The terrific site Get Rich Slowly had a fascinating post today about Thirteen Steps to a Better Life -- lots of great suggestions for how to be happier.

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Comments

[Linda]

Wow, I have had a particularly rough few days in this area and it's really nice to know that I am in good company. I wrote about it, prayed about it and now I am visualizing a better turn out. I still have lots of work to do in this area. Thanks.

[Rich]

Thanks, Gretchen. I also have to remind myself that we are all human and thus subject to all sorts of failures (original sin). It's ideas like this happiness project that help me past my stumbling and remind me that my goal is to improve. Making the mistake of attempting perfection will bring nothing but heartache and defeat, ultimately. The great hope is that of redemption and thus ultimate happiness.

[Alexia]

I was accused of "talking mean" yesterday. Had my daughter known the word "shrew", she might have used that. :-P She was right! I was an old crank. I apologized to them. Today's been better. Phew.

[Leo]

Hey Gretchen -- we all have days like that. It's good that you're taking a positive attitude and looking at improving. Keep up the good work, Gretchen, and thanks for inspiring us all!

[Bonnie]

Gretchen, I have been enjoying your site for a time now and I think you are great. I have quoted you a few times on my blog (giving you full credit of course.)

It's OK if you are not perfect yet..you are working on it and that is the important thing...keep working hard on these posts~they are delightful! Bonnie

[Alex Fayle]

Well done for being able to recognize your mood and shift it.

[Tammy Lenski]

Gretchen, the forthrightness with which you write about your growing edges always moves me. It's pretty extraordinary to be able to consciously alter your state after noting you're off your game. Thanks for providing such a great example of your moment of clarity and your "choice point" for shifting.

[Pete]

I don't think there is anything wrong with losing your temper once in awhile. Everyone has a bad day now & again. As long as it is not often, I don't think any harm is done.

http://yinvsyang.com/

[Angela]

I can empathize with your efforts to not lose your temper--I share this character trait with you. I, too, have been surprised recently by my temper rearing its vociferous head when I thought I was in a cheery, calm mood. In my case, though, I found that the cheer was all on the surface. In reality, I was quite stressed but I didn't realize it because I was not as connected with my emotional state as I thought I was. I apologized and made amends as best as I could to those who bore the brunt of my temper, and learned that my temper can sneak up on me when I'm not paying attention or otherwise in tune with my emotional state of health.

[Gwainerd]

I've been working on reducing my temper as well but find my reaction is sometimes just so quick that I've already responded before I have a chance to realize what's going on.

There are 2 things that are helping me:
1) Realistic expectations.
2) It doesn't matter.

Realistic expectations:
answer the question "what did you expect would happen?" If you expected it (or are not surprised by it) then why get upset about it?

It doesn't matter:
*Nothing* I get upset over ever really matters in the big picture.

[LarryG]

No need to beat yourself up, it's more useful to do what you did. Recognize the energy, why it is there, redirect toward positive issues.

[Debbie]

Thanks Gretchen for your honesty and the willingness to share both your ups and downs. It is sure encouraging.

[Mel]

Thanks, Gretchen. I have had a couple of days like this recently, too.
My main obstacle, with my family at least, is your "special consideration" point --that when I'm cranky I tend to have a sense of entitlement about it, i.e. stress at work gives me the right to be cranky with everyone around me (especially husband). I have to check myself frequently and remind myself that everyone has the same pressures.
Your post today did was a check that for me. I hope I can be more pleasant and less cranky/anxious tomorrow! Thanks so much for you and your project.

[Tim]

Goodness. Thankyou for another highly relevant post. I was just gradually getting over the effects of my own anger. I got livid with my boss a couple of days ago, with a couple of good reasons, but it went too far and I had to loop back round and apologise. I am still not happy about what happened.

I find that what makes me particularly angry is being put in the wrong, "caught out". It's a childish response to guilt and being ashamed of the response of course also does not help.

Taking a step back is key. Anger seems to generate a sense of righteousness and it is only when I can step out of it and look critically at my own behavious that I can get free of it.

[angela]

I used to get very angry time to time but now with a little prayer after i get up in the morning has helped me very much with my temper. I know this might sound not powerful but try and you will notice the difference!!