Why my annual summer trip to Kansas City makes me so happy.

We’re in Kansas City now, visiting my parents. I look forward to this week all summer long.

One of the most striking things I’ve found in my study of happiness is the importance of novelty and challenge. As much as we try to keep control, achieve mastery, and maintain predictability in our lives, in fact, novelty and challenge are keys to happiness. This was hard for me to accept, at first, because I have such great love of routine and also dislike feeling incompetent. But I’ve really found it to be true.
At the same time, the very great joy in doing things the same way -- whether day after day (coffee and the paper in the same spot every day) or year after year (the same unfaltering holiday routine every year) -- should also be recognized.

One of the things that I love about this yearly summer trip to Kansas City is that we always do exactly the same things. We go to the library, Worlds of Fun amusement park, Kaleidescope, a movie at Ward Parkway, the “sprayground.” We feed the ducks at Loose Park. We eat at Winstead’s and go out for BBQ. I eat huge quantities of my favorite nonfat Belfonte yoghurt that I can’t get in New York City. We buy books at the best bookstore ever, Rainy Day Books.

The very predictability heightens the pleasure of these activities. It’s also fun to see, each year, how the girls are able to do different things – in early years, the Big Girl was too afraid to get on the rides in Camp Snoopy at the amusement park, and years later, she rode on the super-scary rollercoaster.

These activities are routine and familiar -- though of course it’s true they’re also novel in that we can’t do them in New York City. They are rare treats that we can only enjoy here.

As pleasant as they are, one issue with predictable pleasures is that they run together. Every visit to Winstead’s blends with all the others…the many trips to the blue playground can’t be distinguished in memory.

Funnily enough – and I find this very comforting to remember – one of the Secrets of Adulthood is “The things that go WRONG often make the best memories.” One of the highlights of the Big Girl’s young childhood is the day she fell into the duck pond and scraped her leg. One of my most vivid memories of the Little Girl’s babyhood is the morning at Worlds of Fun when I called the medical team because I thought she might be going into shock after a bee sting. (Turned out a bug flew into her eye.)

Because of the “negativity bias,” negative events and thoughts are more vivid and memorable than positive ones, which is unfortunate – but fortunately, many minor negative events can become adventures that will be remembered fondly, once they’re safely in the past.

One of my resolutions is to “Be a treasure house of happy memories” for my family. My one-sentence journal is useful for this purpose – I write down funny things that happen – the things that we might forget after a week or two, but which are fun to recall if I’ve written them down. I also take photos, which job my memory of specific days. That way, I remember the funny and happy times as vividly as the negative events, and I’m able to recall the tiny details that get forgotten with the passage of time.

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Alex Fayle of the terrific blog, The Someday Syndrome was kind enough to do an interview with me. We're interested in so many of the same issues, and there is so much fascinating, provocative material on that blog.

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Comments

[Shanel Yang]

One of the treasures of my youth is Disneyland. Though I'm older and can see all the cracks in the walls, etc., nothing takes that magic from me!

I also agree that diaries and photos are great ways to remember precious details we'd otherwise forget. Even photos that I used to cringe at how I looked in while growing up I look at with nothing but wonder and gratitude that I can see something new in them almost every year that I study them. For years my family used to ask me about what happened at this event or that b/c they knew I recalled these things far better than they did due to my journaling since my early teen years. I wrote a post about how great it is to keep a diary in "10 Reasons to Keep a Diary" at http://shanelyang.com/2008/04/16/10-reasons-to-keep-a-diary/ but the same arguments could be made for photos. I'm camera shy but that's no excuse for me not to record people, places and things around me! Thanks for the inspiration, Gretchen!

[Bonnie]

Gretchen, I must be your polar opposite. I so thrive on novelty that it took me until now to realize how happy routines and rituals make me. I tend to make the error of thinking that being "open for anything" and doing everything spontaneously is what brings me the most joy, but that isn't always the case. Honestly, the spontaneous stuff only feels fun when its out of the normal routine. I need to remember to have a normal routine so that there's something to break!

[Fit Bottomed Girl]

I love KC, and I don't think it always get as much respect as it should. You're going to some great spots! Where is your fave bbq joint? Gates, Bryants, Jack Stack, OK Joes?

[Alex Fayle]

As children the family used to go down to just south of Portland Maine every other year for a week to the same guest house. My parents started doing that in the '60s and continued right up until the guest house became a B&B in the late '90s.

Last summer while I was visiting my family in Canada, it was my parents' 50th anniversary, so they treated us to a few days at the former guest house. Unfortunately my brother and his family couldn't make it but I was there with my parents, my sister and one of her adult daughters - we had a great time and did many of the same things we used to do as children (except the Drive-In, which isn't there any more).

Plus I explored more of the region than I'd ever done so as a kid, walking the coast farther than I'd ever dreamed possible as a child.

Thanks for reminding me! And thanks for the link to the interview - I loved reading your answers.

Cheers,
Alex

[Cynthia Clinton]

I've always wished my family had cool yearly rituals like this, but we don't really. We didn't have anything like that when I was growing up and by the time I was an adult, I was a convention bucker lol.

Enjoy what you have if for no other reason that not everyone has it.

Many blessings!

[Holiday]

That sounds like the perfect vacation. I totally agree about the pleasure of routines.

[Davina]

Hi Gretchen.

I fall into the routine trap quite easily. It's quite comfortable there. But, occasionally spontaneous happenings sweep me off my feet and I have a wonderful time! Then it's back to the norm until the next wave knocks me over.

[Tammy]

Gretchen, We too take our girls back to my hometown in PA and do most of the same things each year. They hold wonder and enjoyment for the girls and a sense of tradition. I had not considered that all of the trips to the children's museum etc run together but it's true! Thanks for a wonderful post.

[bvgirl]

What a delight to read about your KC trip just as I am preparing to head to St. Paul for my annual trip to the Minnesota state fair. My husband grew up going to the fair and we have made it a ritual to return to Minnesota each year to attend. We have a very specific routine - get the Tom Thumb doughnuts from the stand at the Old Mill, pet the goats, visit the fine arts building and have the Pronto pups at that stand only. We have a lot of novelty in our everyday life but this annual trip with little variation is one the most enjoyable things we do all year.

[Chris]

From your KC readership, welcome back.

[Also a Gretchen, but still in KC]

I loved reading about your trip to KC. Seeing the city from a different perspective is refreshing. I take the things you mentioned for granted. Thank you for sharing.

[Debbie M]

I don't know if remembering the negatives is due to a negativity bias so much as it is due to the fabulous reality that we don't actually repeat the same bad things every year, so they're new and different.