On reading a new memoir of catastrophe: TO LOVE WHAT IS.

One of my happiness-project resolutions is to Read memoirs of catastrophe.

I just finished Alix Kates Shulman’s To Love What Is. When Shulman's 75-year-old husband fell from a nine-foot sleeping loft in July 2004, he suffered a brain injury that keeps him from having a short-term memory. Her memoir covers the accident and the aftermath, and in flashbacks, the period during which they met, went separate ways, and years later, married.

Her husband’s condition is unusual, because certain parts of his mind and personality are almost untouched, but in other ways, he has changed tremendously. And, of course, he is utterly incapable of taking care of himself, even for short periods.

It is a fascinating, haunting book – all about the nature of love. Shulman doesn’t sugar-coat her emotions or her reactions to what’s happening, and her honesty, and her greatness of spirit, make the book a compulsive read. I read it in one day. Her story had special resonance for me, because so much of it takes places in areas of New York City that I know well.

To Love What Is gave me a lot to think about. Gratitude, and the importance of appreciating the ordinary day. Accepting the changes that time brings. Sacrifice. Loyalty. Patience. Marriage. Taking pleasure in little things.

On a more mundane level, as usually happens when I read memoirs of catastrophe, I found myself making mental notes to myself, to learn from someone else’s disaster. In this case: don’t let yourself get overtired. Always know what medications a person is taking. Always know how to call for emergency help. I know I’m making my own mistakes, and that it’s a delusion to think that covering every base will prevent catastrophe, but I can’t help it.

For a quick preview: Shulman also wrote a piece, Help Wanted: Other Woman, about her experiences with her husband for last Sunday’s "Modern Love" column in the New York Times.

I've read lots of memoirs of catastrophe, and this one is one of the best. Especially if you’re struggling to find happiness in a situation where something very bad has happened, you’ll find this account enormously interesting and helpful.

*
A thoughtful reader send me the link to a fascinating post on the blog Why Does Everything Suck?, in which one of my happiness gurus, Nancy Schulman, author with Ellen Birnbaum of the fantastic parenting book, Practical Wisdom for Parents, is quoted saying, “Kindergarten is becoming more like regular school, but I think regular school and life should become more like kindergarten.” I think this is absolutely true, and I spend a lot of time, as a parent, trying to figure out how to make that happen in my own apartment. The push to "enrich" children is so strong -- and so well-intended -- to what degree should parents step back and let their kids do what they feel like (within the bounds of good health, schoolwork, manners, etc)?

A major theme in my Happiness Project is to try to push myself to do more playing, more wandering, more experimenting. This is harder than it sounds.

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Parenting]

I loved Sarah Turnbull’s Love and a New Life in Paris, which I read a while back on loan from the library. http://kids.morewrite.com/

[Trish Ryan]

I had a similar reaction when I read LOVE YOU: MEAN IT, a memoir by four women widowed on 9/11. I was captivated by the little things the missed about their husbands, and it made me look at my husband with new eyes, seeing things I probably would have taken for granted otherwise.

I wouldn't have thought of reading catastrophe memoirs as a route to happiness, but it's a provocative idea (especially as I'm reading a miscarriage memoir right now...)

[Valerie]

I can identify with this post. I have been reading nieniesdialogues which is from the blogger mom that recently wasin a plane crash with her husband. She is struggling to survive after 80% of her body suffered burns.It has been truly thoughy provoking and I have to admit I am ashamed of Many things that have made me unhappy in the past.

[HuntGrunt]

A 75-year-old man should not be sleeping in a loft 9 feet up in the air. I'm not sure anyone should be.
It really pains me that there are so many preventable accidents. This is a perfect example.
I hope the lesson people take from Alix Kates Shulman's writing is to be very careful about high spaces, and to make safety a priority.

[jenny]

Interesting idea, to read about catastrophe as a route to happiness. I don't think this would work for me. It might make me even more conscious of risk (I'm a lawyer like you Gretchen, so am already alive to risk - possibly more so than is healthy). Have you read Black Swans by Nicholas Taleb? He was interviewed in our 'serious paper' this weekend just past. The unexpected is everywhere. I'm not sure trying to plan for it is possible, or desirable. Safety, precautions and so on are fine, but there's a limit.

There's something contradictory, if I may say so, about "push[ing] [your]self to do more playing, more wandering, more experimenting". I wonder, instead, if you could try to just let this happen.

Enjoy the blog. Have shared it with my friends.

Best wishes

[Gretchen Rubin]

Jenny, that's a very interesting point you raise about the contradiction in pushing yourself to play. I agree, there's something hilarious about my earnest plodding away at playing, and my resolution to "Force myself to wander."

As ridiculous as it sounds, I've found that for me, play comes last unless I deliberately make time for it. I will work and work, at one thing or another, with no time for messing around, from morning to night. And that's not a happy situation.

The impulse for play is a good example of how people differ from each other. For many people, play comes easily (perhaps too easily) and that made me think that I was that way, too. But I'm not. Spontaneity doesn't work for me. I have several resolutions about play, and I treat them as seriously as my other resolutions.

I absolutely agree that legal training makes a person more cautious. Someone told me that they thought legal training was horrible for anyone who wanted to be an entrepreneur, because lawyers only thought about risks and dangers. And there's nothing like a first-year Torts class to make you absolutely paranoid about every product on the market!

[Clay]

A great post, Gretchen, thank you.

I've indeed found it true that its the hard times which teach us the most - that's a worn out cliche of course, but its demonstrably accurate. My greatest challenge is to not chase difficulty when everything's going smoothly. Creating drama seems to be a habit where I'm more comfortable, more focused, than when everything is fine. Perhaps this is because we live in a fix-it society, where we're trained to be reactionary and problem-solvers. Or maybe I'm just a drama queen (king?).

"The need to destroy things creeps up on me every time." - Rilo Kiley.

Thanks so much for your blog, Gretchen. Its so much more down to earth, and so much more realistically positive, than the others of the genre.

Good times,
Clay

[Harriet Cabelly]

I also love reading memoirs of people overcoming adversity. I find them inspirational and uplifting. To read about people's coping skills - their resilience, strength and positiveness- are wonderful lessons in living. And since bad stuff inevitably happens as part of life, it's fascinating to see how (some) people rebuild their lives through it and despite it. What we do with we we've got is what it's all about. We can all learn a lot from those who find and refine that silver lining.
Another great memoir is "Three Dog Life" by Abigail Thomas. It's also about the author's husband's accident and how she coped with his brain injury.

[Beth]

Great post. Another fantastic one is In an Instant by Leigh and Bob Woodruff about his IED attack in Iraq. It's also about their marriage, parenting and life's unexpected struggles. I felt like I was friends with them at the end. I'm so happy to see them doing well now.