Strategies to deal with unhappy events -- like what's happening now on Wall Street.

The economic turmoil of the last few weeks – and especially the last few days – has New Yorkers feeling sad. Lots of people are losing their jobs. Lots of familiar institutions are changing or vanishing. Even people who aren’t directly affected will be indirectly affected in many ways by what is happening on Wall Street, because it plays such a major role in the life of New York City.

When we’re faced with serious setbacks, psychological mechanisms kick in to help us see positive aspects in the situation. I’ve been struck by how often people – especially those directly affected -- search for opportunities for “post-traumatic growth.”

“This is really showing us what matters,” said one friend. “We have a beautiful family, we have our health, this isn’t a catastrophe.” Someone else said, “It’s been amazing to get so many emails and calls from people who are checking to see how I’m doing – I realize how many friends I have.”

People also use the downward-comparison strategy; they find a way to be grateful by realizing how much worse their situation could be. “We almost moved to Hong Kong, we’re so lucky we didn’t do that.”

People are also taking time to do ordinary, pleasurable things that help give them a sense of normalcy and relief. When I was doing the research for my biography, Forty Ways to Look at JFK, I remember reading a story that an advisor told – I may not have the details right, but as I recall: When this advisor walked into the West Wing during the Cuban missile crisis, he heard Kennedy speaking in a low voice. He assumed that JFK was meeting with someone about the crisis, but then he saw that Kennedy was sitting with his young daughter Caroline in his lap and was reading her a story. The advisor realized that this was one of the ways that Kennedy was staying cool – giving himself breaks from the tension by taking moments with his family.

Other people comfort themselves by reminding themselves to take the long view. “I just keep telling myself, a year from now, this will all be over,” said a friend. “In ten years, it will just be a distant memory.”

This isn't to say that it's not appropriate for people to feel unhappy or depressed under certain circumstances. It's normal and often even helpful to experience negative emotions. But finding ways to make yourself feel better, or to contain the negative emotions to one part of your existence, can make it easier to bear a difficult time.

All these coping mechanisms help people deal with an unhappy event. What strategies have you found useful, to deal with a major challenge in your life?

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Shanel Yang]

Helping others who are even less well off in times of emergencies -- even in little ways -- is often a great way to put things back into perspective. In the end, it's how you react to the tough situations that define you. They can bring out the best or the worst in us. But, knowing this fact often helps us lean toward the latter. I wrote about this in "Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself" at http://shanelyang.com/2008/04/24/nothing-to-fear-but-fear-itself/ which features the famous speech by FDR at the height of an economic crisis far greater than what we are currently facing -- The Great Depression. Wonderful words of wisdom then, and still great inspiration for us today. : )

[adora]

I grew up in Hong Kong where the stock market crash on a decade cycle (89, 98, 03... and now?), so I'm familiar with that gloominess that hang over the entire city.

It is important to remember that things will get better again, and there is always money to be made somewhere as long as you have your health.

[Lauren]

I understand that a lot of people are directly hit by this crisis. But this goes way beyond NYC and way beyond the US. And maybe we need to channel our anger into action. This was not an unforseeable, unavoidable tsunami. The banks did this - they understood the risk, and they did this. They loaned irresponsibly. They created instruments that falsely mitigated that risk. And the government didn't protect its citizens from it.
I think that sometimes we are overly concerned with our own comfort and it can cause us not to take action for the greater good when maybe we should. Discomfort (like that caused by anger) isn't always something that should be extinguished as quickly as possible. I don't think it's appropriate in this situation for people to dust themselves off and say "at least I have my health" and move on. Sometimes for the sake of lasting happiness, I think you need to examine the source of it and actually do something about it. I think Americans need to demand more from their government. I think the most lasting happiness here would come from the knowledge that this won't happen to our kids.

[Heather Bestel]

Here in the Uk we are starting to feel the strain too.
We know people who have lost their houses and their jobs.
I'm helping out as much as possible, whether financially or emotionally - sometimes a burden shared can make all the difference. Just knowing there are real friends that will help in an emergency is all we need.
I use the old 'how will this seem a year from now?' philosophy and it helps to put things into perspective.
Heather x
PS. Helping to spread the word - I have given you an award on my blog (www.heathersblog.co.uk)

[Gretchen Rubin]

Lauren -- that's an excellent point. Negative emotion is actually often positive, because it propels us into taking useful action. As you say, anger could turn into engagement, which would lead to beneficial change that would help many people.

It's interesting, on that note, that happy people tend to act more altruistically, to volunteer more, to give away more money, and to be more helpful than less happy people; also, because people prefer to be around happy people, happier people tend to be more effective when they do act.

Personal happiness -- rather than breeding complacency -- seems to free people to think of others, while unhappiness can sometimes make people defensive, isolated, and self-focused. So trying to be happy at the same time that you try to remedy the deep, fundamental source of unhappiness, can be helpful not only to yourself but to others as well.

[Dr. Jay]

Did you know that it is impossible to worry & love at the same time? Worry (or any stressor) creates tension - love creates ease. These two emotions cannot occupy your mind at the exact same moment. Take advantage of this. Here is how I practice this concept - whenever I feel or catch myself worrying, feeling anxious, overwhelmed or tense, no matter the topic (finances, relationships, career, etc.), I quickly shift my mind over to something that brings a smile to my face. We all have things in our life that bring us instant joy, gratitude, appreciation and love. Some of the things that I can think about or visualize that instantly put me in this "love" mode are: the giggles of my kids, my wife often does these little quirky things that crack me up, a recent wave that I enjoyed surfing, my the dog, etc. As soon as I start thinking about or visualize these things my worries dissolve and my body instantly moves back towards its natural "at ease" state. - Quite powerful - play with it.

[BJ Fischer]

This is really true, and covered a lot in Stumbling on Happiness. We are often happier than ever when we predict despair.

[AL]

when i ask myself lately, what makes you consistently happy? I answer,
Food in my stomach to keep me from feeling faint, a roof over my head to keep me dry, a soft comfortable bed to sleep in the quiet dark, and a body that doesn't feel any physical pain right now.
Then, I am thankful and notice that I now feel happy.

[Alison Chaiken]

On September 1, I was in an accident where I knocked out some of my favorite teeth and needed some stitches in my face. Oddly, the trauma has made me feel more serene and has eased my usual neuroses. For one thing, the injuries were a reminder that the things that matter the most to me cannot be smashed in a crash. Secondly, the number of people who reached out to me and offered assistance was truly touching. Several are people I barely know. Third, the injuries forced me to sit still and read a bunch of material that I needed to look at for a long time. Being calm and still all by itself was therapeutic, but I needed to hurt myself to see that!

I have thought often of the wisdom of the Happiness Project as I have been recovering and look forward to reading the book.

[Pete]

Ups & Downs are all part of the beautiful journey. I think, one of the commenters mentioned having their health. I think that is a great point. The only time I remember feeling terrible in my life, was when I was very, very sick with Crohn's Disease. Luckily, I learned from that, everything else is just BS!

http://yinvsyang.com/

[Ella]

Thanks for these thoughts. I checked your blog today specifically to see if you had any thoughts on this subject - like many New Yorkers, I've been walking around feeling very blue, with many friends affected by the crisis, and with the sense that these institutions that have been part of my whole professional life are just disappearing under the waves as part of an irrational mass panic.

[Meg Renicker]

I think its terribly sad that what is making everyone so miserable is money. We all know that money comes round again. Not the same amounts, not the same way, not in comfortable circumstances, but it comes back to us. The economy is going to change, the little guy will be back on a level playing field with those who used to be in a better position. These are things that will make a long term difference. But, never forget, it is all about the money and how attached we are to it. We know that there are people in worse circumstances than ourselves who everyday find ways to get their needs met. They don't lie down and say they need stuff and the stock market crashed so they can't get it. Sometimes they go without and that's character building. Other times they use strategy and creativity to make it happen.

Let's not let fear take away our ambition so that we only know how to be consumers living fat-cat lives. This sounds more like a time to help ourselves to figure out what is important, what our values are, go have a Tasti D Lite and then we can be helpful to others. We have to have some strength to share before we are of any value to others.

[Tim]

On the point of negative emotion. Let us not be too shy of anger - it is often the rocket fuel that really gets you moving. Dutch people say, "dat kan ik, als ik me even kwaad maak", which means: I can do this (hard task) if I just make myself a bit angry.

These days I try very hard to express anger forcefully and clearly without lacerating others. Get it out and get moving!

[Dora]

"We almost moved to Hong Kong, we're so lucky we didn't do that."

LOL. Am I missing something? What's wrong with Hong Kong?

That's where I'm from. And that's where I'm living now. Hahaha!

[Sophie]

Do forgive me, but people in the rest of the country might also remember that there are people here in the Gulf Coast still without power or basic amenities. I know it seems churlish to bring it up, but this hurricane startled me for the huge impact it had on us here in Texas and how little it seemed to be even noticed by anyone in the blogosphere--as if the near-destruction of Galveston and the very powerful difficulties we were all suffering under didn't exist.

We all see things through our own regional lenses. For you, the economy has collapsed. For me, there are friends who go home at night and cry because their power still isn't back on, or come in to work and sleep there because they can't do so at home. A few have even lost their homes.

On the day that you made this post, I had no electricity or running clean water. My cell phone didn't function properly, and I knew if I didn't get gasoline the next day, I wouldn't be able to get to work where they actually had power. Lines for gas, however, were an hour long.

I know it's not your job to be responsible for what's been happening throughout the country, but to see this post without a mention of the very real suffering that this disaster caused has been very strange and off-putting.