Yesterday was a good bad day.

Yesterday, I was feeling sad and anxious. I did the usual things to try to boost my mood: I went to the gym; I got a decent amount of work done; I made sure not to let myself get too hungry, and I ate healthy food; I crossed a nagging task off my to-do list; I cleaned off my desk; I met someone for lunch; I put two people who had a common interest in touch with each other; I spent some good time with my husband and my two children.

But nothing really worked. I felt sad and anxious for a reason, and that reason didn’t go away.

At the end of the day, I climbed in bed at 9:30 p.m. (if all else fails, I go to sleep as soon as I’m sleepy, because everything does look brighter in the morning, on a good night’s sleep). As I lay in bed, it occurred to me, “Well, I did have a sad, anxious day. But I also had a good day.”

The First Splendid Truth holds that to think about my happiness, I should think about feeling good, feeling bad, feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.

Some people assume that feeling good and feeling bad operate in a kind of see-saw balance, as opposites along a single continuum. In fact, research has shown that positive affect and negative affect (fancy words for feeling good and feeling bad) operate independently of each other. It’s possible to feel very good and very bad.

That’s the kind of day I had.

The nice thing about trying to ameliorate a bad mood by taking constructive steps like spending time with friends and family, tackling a nagging task, exercising, and all the rest is that even if a day is bad, it has bright spots, and I can look back on it with satisfaction.

Other ways of trying to boost a bad mood, tempting as they are, don’t work very well. Splurging on “treats,” like shopping, drinking, or ice cream, can cheer you up for a minute, but then make you feel worse when regret and guilt set in. Indulging in a bad mood by yelling or sulking deepens bad feelings, because, as research shows, you tend to feel the way you act – so acting in an unhappy or angry way strengthens those emotions. Withdrawing from the world, though tempting, can make you feel worse. People – even introverts – are cheered by contact with other people, so isolating yourself intensifies the blues.

When I woke up this morning, I felt better. The reason for my sadness still existed, but it didn't upset me as much. And yesterday wasn't too bad. I had a bad day, but it was a good bad day.

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Ash]

I wrote something similar to this, with a slightly different angle at:
http://www.perilouslyprecocious.com/poha-on-feeling-bad/

Ta ta for now!

[Suzanne Carter, Ph.D.]

This post piqued my interest ...
I liked that the root cause of the sad/anxious was called what it was, very matter of factly ("I felt sad and anxious for a reason, and that reason didn’t go away."), and the effort was put into doing positive, "constructive" things.

I don't think I saw a search for a silver lining/growth opportunity/gift within the root cause ...

If I am reading the post correctly - I do like the matter-of-fact approach taken ...

to be honest, I can't figure out why.

[shermie]

Sorry that you had a bad day, but I read your Happiness Project in Real Simple today!

[Alexia]

I read several blogs about that yesterday and posted about feeling the same myself. Sad/anxious/tired day, but put one foot in front of the other and did constructive things. It all passes!

[Heather Bestel]

It reminds me of that old Chinese proverb
"This too shall pass".
It's good that you can acknowledge that it was a bad day and not try to hide from it. You called it what it was and you were OK with that.
Many of us spend a lot of energy trying to change things or pretend they don't exist, instead of just 'being' with them.
Hx

[Adam]

Thank you for sharing this post.

What especially caught my attention was the part about avoiding the "instant gratification" approach to pulling yourself through the blues. It is difficult to reconcile in the moment, but as you stated, the long term effect of most of these "feel better quickly" indulgences is more misery down the road, including guild and other long-term consequences (to the bank account and waistline...).

As a trainer/wellness coach, this is something that I see every day. It is so hard to make the paradigm shift from short to long-term thinking when seeking happiness. And I am certainly not immune!

Thanks for sharing an important insight.

Cheers,
Adam

[Fionnuala]

Hi Gretchen,

It's surprising how much I found in common with today's post. I've spent a couple of weeks feeling down - the reason is known and it's not going away, so recently I've been doing my best to act in a way I can feel good about, so that I can look back and feel that I've used my day well, even though I'm going through a difficult time. Your motto of "act as you would feel" is much easier said than done, but if you can keep to it, it certainly contributes to a sense of contentment more than indiscriminate venting of anger or tears ever will.

As ever, thanks for your thought-provoking posts!

[thatcoolbroad]

Thoughtful post and interesting point. Next bad day I have I will make sure to do some of the things you did and see if they elevate my mood. I have a tendency to just wallow in it:)

[Nancy]

My goal on bad/sad days is to see if I can get through the day "gracefully," since "happily" isn't happening. Sounds like you've done just that.

[Jen]

Must be something in the air. I had a good/bad day as well. Thank you (as always) for sharing your techniques for coping (saved me from dipping into the ice cream!)

[Ann]

Ok. I NEEDED this post today. Perfect timing. I AM going to have ice cream tonight, but I'm NOT going to feel guilty about it. But I appreciate your insights in this topic. Helpful.

[Ash]

I love your blog, and I try to act the same way when I'm feeling down. Exercise helps, as does not eating all the chocolates I want :)

[Alex Fayle]

When I'm feeling low I give myself a moment (okay maybe an hour or so) to wallow then I get up and get on with things. I acknowledge the sadness but don't let it overwhelm me (okay sometimes I do but that's when a bunch of other things are weighing on me as well). ;)

[kim]

perfect post for this rainy and down day. I appreciate Nancy's comment about getting through the day gracefully. That will be my keyword today. thanks

[MJ]

Timely post. I try to follow Nancy's suggestion about behaving gracefully as well. It is difficult. I'm seeing my life being pulled more all the time into work, obligations and other things that I DO NOT WANT (but others might find successful or desirable and in a lousy economy I can't throw them away without a plan) and it is extremely tempting for me on bad, angry days (when I panic over all the desired opportunities that I'm giving up to do things I have no feeling for, and all of the time passing me by) to snap, quit all of my unloved professional groups and boards, tell my helpless and hapless management that I've had enough, and walk out. But no. That would be rash. So I grit my teeth and behave gracefully.

[Ella]

I hope that the root cause of your worry is resolved happily and soon.

[Jessica]

The economic situation has me scared and ill at ease. And I'm not even that affected by it. So if that's why you were sad, know that you're not the only one. We Americans are in it together...

[Kathy]

Hi Gretchen,
After 30 years of suffering from anxiety/depression and wondering why other people were happy and I'm wasn't, I went on a search. I found out things about myself that I was able to fix. I have sleep apnea, I have food allergies especially wheat but others as well that I was unaware of. I have lack of folate 50% of population doesn't assimilate. I had lots of mercury (from fillings) lead, and arsenic my system. Since dealing with these things I am much happier person now. Hopefully this will help one of your blog readers.

[Clay]

I was just googling information of sadness for a blog entry I was writing, and came across yours. I know exactly what you mean. I think its because sadness can in fact be more existential than situational. As humans we tend to look for solutions to our negative emotions - "How do I resolve this?" But there is a certain type of sadness that lingers because, perhaps, its just the residual affect of being an animal clinging to a rock hurtling through space with no real idea of where we came from or where we're going. I'm being tongue-in-cheek of course, but I think its true: just the same as how if you don't feel joy at the world and life very so often, you're probably missing something - if you don't have the odd blue day as well, you're probably not paying attention either.

Besides, sometimes it can be fun to put on some cheesy heartbreak music and just wallow ;-)

Another great post, Gretchen. Thank you.