Paradoxes of Happinesss: the sadness of a Happiness Project.

I think everyone could benefit from a happiness project.

But there’s also a sad side to a happiness project, which comes directly from the first and most important of my Twelve Commandments: “Be Gretchen.”

Many of the things that have brought me happiness since I started my Happiness Project came directly from my attempt to do a better job of “Being Gretchen.” This blog. My children’s literature book group. My Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island project.

But being Gretchen, and accepting my true likes and dislikes, also means that I have to face the fact that I will never visit a jazz club at midnight, or hang out in artists’ studios, or jet off to Paris for the weekend, or pack up to go fly-fishing on a spring dawn. I won’t be admired for my chic wardrobe or be appointed to a high government office. I love fortune cookies and refuse to try foie gras.

Now, you might think – “Well, okay, but why does that make you sad? You don’t want to visit a jazz club at midnight anyway, so why does it make you sad to know that you don’t want to do that? If you wanted to, of course you could.”

It makes me sad for two reasons. First, it makes me sad to realize my limitations. The world offers so much!--and I am too small to appreciate it. The joke in law school was: "The curse of Yale Law School is to try to die with your options open." Which means -- at some point, you have to pursue one option, which means foreclosing other options, and to try to avoid that is crazy. Similarly, to be Gretchen means to let go of all the things that I am not -- to acknowledge what I don't encompass.

But it also makes me sad because, in many ways, I wish I were different. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.” I have a lot of notions about what I wish I liked to do, of the subjects and occupations that I wish interested me. But it doesn’t matter what I wish I were like. I am Gretchen.

Once I realized this, I saw that this problem is quite more widespread. A person wants to teach high school, but wishes he wanted to be a banker. Or vice versa. A person has a service heart but doesn’t want to put it to use. Someone wants to be a stay-at-home mother but wishes she wanted to work; another person wants to work but wishes she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. And it’s possible -- in fact quite easy -- to construct a life quite unrelated to our nature.

People judge us; we judge ourselves.

And the Happiness Project makes me sad for another reason. Just as I must “Be Gretchen” and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. This is most true of my immediate family.

It’s very hard not to project onto your children everything you wish they would be. “You should be more friendly,” “You would love to be able to play the piano, why don’t you practice?” “Don’t be scared.”

And it’s even harder to accept your spouse. A friend told me that her mantra for marriage was “I love Leo, just as he is.” I remind myself of this constantly. I wish the Big Man got a big kick out of decorating the apartment for the holidays and that he was more eager to pass out gold stars, and sometimes it makes me sad to realize that he won't ever be that way. I’m sure he wishes that I were eager to go camping and that I had a more peacable nature. But I love him just the way he is, and I’m a lot happier when I don’t expect him to change. The fact is, we can change no one but ourselves.

That’s another paradox of happiness: I want to “Be Gretchen,” yet I also want to change myself for the better.

Now, you might say again, "Why does all this make you sad? Rejoice in what you are; be authentic," etc., etc. But it does make me feel sad sometimes.

*
Several thoughtful readers sent me the link to a very interesting article from The Atlantic: Paul Bloom's First Person Plural, about our "multiple selves."

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Nicole]

This post really resonated with me. I find that this is one of the things I struggle most with in my personal life. It's so difficult to push myself to be the fullest version of who I can be (especially because I feel there's some uncharted territory there) while also being true to myself.

[Drew Kime]

Your line about decorating for the holidays could just as easily be about my family. So let me give you the other side of that: I *also* wish I enjoyed decorating for the holidays. Not because I care about the decorations, but because I'd like to participate in the activity with my wife and daughters.

But I know myself. When I decorate, it's a task to accomplish. It has to be "right". It's about the outcome, not the activity.

My wife still thinks, deep down, that if I'd just "stop worrying about it being perfect" and "have fun with it" that I'd have a good time. But she doesn't force the issue any more. Which is better for everyone.

And I still wish I enjoyed it more.

[Mark]

I really enjoy it when you elaborate on one of your "Twelve Commandments". Could you add tags for them or links from each to a representative post? Pleeeeze? I hate getting intrigued by one but not being quite sure what it means!

[jonnifer]

Gretchen, do you think if you went out and tried some of those things you wish you liked -- visiting a jazz club at midnight, jetting off to, if not Paris, then Montreal for the weekend -- that it might demystify some of these things and make you less sad about not doing them all the time? I understand what you are saying about limitations and how we can't be all things. I just wonder if part of wishing we could be different isn't romanticizing those other ways of being.

[Ella]

Wonderful post, Gretchen.

[Gwen]

I have found, with my husband, that some of the things that frustrate me periodically are actually related to things about him that I really respect. For example, he is a college professor, and won't take any time off during Spring Break. I used to get annoyed that we couldn't sneak in a little mini-get-away that week, until I realized that this is just an instantiation of one of the things that I respect most about him - the fact that he has a very strong work ethic. Once I realized that this is just a part of his work ethic, and I wouldn't change that about him if I could, the whole SB thing didn't bother me so much...

Actually, this is related to a philosophy that helped make me happier with myself. I realize and have slowly grown to appreciate the fact that who I am (and true for every person) is a complex interaction of all my bits and pieces, and you can't reach in and change one bit without having unpredictable repurcussions ripple through the whole system.

If, for example, I was more physically attractive, I wouldn't still be "me". From a young age, people around me would have treated me differently, and I'd have grown up with a different set of personal values, a different perspective on myself and life and others...

Or, for less shallow examples - I wandered a bit before I found my career path in life and I didn't get along well with my father as a child. Those experiences weren't fun. But I pretty much like who I am now, and I wouldn't be that person if I hadn't lived through those experiences, so I can't wish them gone...

Maybe - just maybe - if I could change one of those things, the end result would have been "better" somehow. But, frankly, I think I'm sitting at the blackjack table with a 19 - the odds that another card would make things worse are a lot higher than the odds that another card would make things better. I think I'll stand. ;)

Bottom line - we are "whole cloth" and we can't be tweaked "piece meal". :)

[EscapeVelocity]

It has taken me decades to even accept that the hairstyles I like can't be done with my actual hair.

[sylrayj]

Perhaps happiness isn't precisely what you're seeking. My mom told me that what she wanted out of life was contentment. To be okay with who she is, to have her simple pleasures. In some ways, that's what I strive for as well, and most of the time I find it with the Happiness Project.

You do reach farther, I think, than my mom. I recall your drawing classes. You pointed out your new photo book.

I tried to learn glassblowing, and I just don't have 'it.' The singing of the glass into an art form, the dance with ceramics to create something breathtaking - it's not mine. I am glad that I tried it, and it's possible that one day, I might go back. There may be a time and a day when you find yourself in that jazz club, close enough to midnight.

I figure that as long as you're willing to follow your road, instead of tell it where to go, it could lead you anywhere and everywhere. :)

[Viola]

Jonnifer, that's spot on. I've found it so liberating to try things I've always wanted to do and find that, actually, they're not fun for me. That nagging question about them is gone and that leaves me much more content.

However, there are also things that I like and wish I had more talent for (a better singing voice, for example). They makes me a little sad.

Gretchen, have you also considered what might be behind the things you wish you liked? Rather than the jazz club and the artist's studio per se, are you longing for places of freedom and creativity where you don't have to care about what society thinks? If so, it might be possible to find those things somewhere else entirely....

[Joanne]

At first this post actually left me a little sad, for you, for myself, for how we won't do what we wish we'd like to do, different romanticized things we might think of. But the more I thought about it, I realized that there is some gratitude in knowing yourself well enough to not spend time doing that which isn't really you.

[Molly]

Gretchen I am proud of you for acknowledging your sadness. Sadness isn't a negative thing. Emotions are like clouds passing in the sky. They arise to pass away.
Sadness feels differently to us than happiness does, but it is simply the opposite side of the same coin. Kudos to you for being with your sadness and not trying to talk yourself out of it.

[Emma]

Gretchen, I admire you even more than I already did for having the courage to post this. I have never spoken these things out loud, but often feel them. The narrowing of options IS sad, despite the fact that that narrowing is what bring us to fruition.

I'm going to re-read this several times, I'm sure. It brings me such comfort to know I'm not alone in this.

[Brian]

Ironically enough, there are quite a few people who are sad because although they do go off to Paris on a whim,and visit a fair share of jazz clubs...they wish their spouse would stay away while they decorate,they wish they could come up with an inspiration for a daily blog,or author a book..to each their own..that first 5 seconds standing on your own 2 feet first thing in the morning,that should be the best source of happiness a brain orgasm each morning ..many sad souls not able to do that.. don't ignore the gold in your hand to pursue silver next door..

[The Healthy Librarian]

This is your best post yet! Loved it!

I was an English major, because I love to read.

I thought I SHOULD go to law school, and after one of the most boring weeks of my life I quit--just like that--& I'm not a quitter.

Became a librarian instead, and never regretted it for one minute.

Now that I'm also blogging I get to research & write about whatever I choose--and it's all for the love it. Way better than doing it for
money, or for someone else.

On the subject of happiness & career, how to guide your kids, and "what if money really can't buy happiness, you might be interested in my post on: The Best Advice You Can Ever Give Your Grown-Up Kids":

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/03/the-best-advice.html

[Dora]

This post really resonates with me. Because this is exactly what's been on my mind lately.

I'm currently going through a period of major change, and as always, they make you think.

And I realize, I will never be an astronaut. I will never know what it's like to be someone else, live a different life. Like you say, the world is so big, and I wonder if I'm missing out.

I will never be an F-1 racer. I will never be a supermodel. I will never know what it's like to fight in a war. To be a dancer on a cruise ship. To be a dealer in Las Vegas.

Not because they are entirely impossible to achieve. But because I can't dance (I tried). I can't take G Forces (I can't even ride a roller coaster). I am not tall or pretty enough. I hate physics and maths, so I can't be an astronaut.

This is less about whether I CAN actually do any of those things, but more about whether I'd actually want to do them. Or to be dedicated enough to work towards them.

I will never be that person.

[Jonathan]

It could be grieving as much as sadness. Having said that, my youngest sister had this romantic notion of being in Paris, carrying a bag of food (french bread akimbo out the top) and wine. She would of course be speaking French. Then when she got the chance to be in Paris, she realized her dream and found it wasn't what she expected. For some reason, from my point of view, your being in the jazz club at midnight means something else to you.

[Tiffany]

Gretchen,

I really enjoyed your post. It was very insightful. I agree with your "paradox of happiness" in wanting to be you yet also wanting to change yourself for the better. I think as humans, it is often difficult to determine exactly what it is that will make us happy and then pursue it. And even when you do decide, that choice can be fleeting. In my life (as much as possible), I try to focus on maximizing joy in whatever form I chose at the moment ;)

Tiffany
http://mymantra.com/blog1/

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm so happy that this post resonated with other people. Sometimes, when I write something, I think, "Is this going to be anything to anyone besides me?" -- and that's how I felt about this one. But I see that you all know what I'm talking about.

Great suggestions too about "re-framing" the question...I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking about what the commenters have said.

Always surprises me that to "Know thyself" is so difficult.

And to Mark -- about making the Twelve Commandments into links -- what a great idea! Maybe I'll do a series, with a post on each commandment, and provide a link...I appreciate that suggestion! Plus I get at least an email a week asking me to explain what "Spend out" means!

[Lisa]

Thanks Gretchen. I recognise the feeling of "this shall be left undone". And yes, it is a bit sad. But also perhaps a relief.
At this point, I remember (I recall you have read it too): Bridget Jones' Diary. Key line: "I love you just the way you are." I am thinking a lot about your commandments concept and this is on my short-list. I am thinking this is a good thought to keep front of mind both for me and for those I love.

[queenie]

It's thoughts like these, Gretchen, that cause me to always check your postings.

Have you considered the fact that you are venturing into the philosophical?

I mean really considered that? You know, like maybe you are in danger of becoming a philosopher. . . .

happiness. . . . contentment. . . . a search for the 'good' life. . . . how we treat one another. . . . All time-honoured categories of philosophy. Including one you touch on here, I think for the first time: sadness. Philosophy might translate that into tragedy, I'm not sure.

semper fi

[Alison]

I love reading this blog! You are very wise.

[Don Schenck]

I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the incident very clearly:

One day -- I was about 34 years old -- I dawned on me: I can DO ANYTHING I want, but I can't DO EVERYTHING I want.

Life-changing.

[FupDuckTV]

As a champion of happiness, you sure manage to find the negative side alot. You should change your blog to the Why-Can't-I-Be-Happy blog. "You can’t choose what you like to do" - I highly disagree! I've learned to like many things that I didn't enjoy first off. Gretchen, I'm worried that you are bi-polar. I read your blog regularly, but so far you are not a person that I would categorize as happy. Instead, I would categorize you as "trying to be happy, but still not quite getting it."

[Mary]

Wonderful post. Very thought-provoking. This is something I've always struggled with as well. I've learned to embrace who I am and accept my limitations, but I absolutely understand why there is a little sadness in that. I think we all sometimes wish we liked different things, or wanted different things, or were good at different things.

[shamman anjum]

Hi.....very interesting!!!!!!!!!reads your article.I am also a writer and thinker; but same time..giver to be happy and sad to not get in reward.Well this game of life what we always play or we have to play.There would be no happiness without feeling sadness; and there would be no sadness if we did not enjoy happiness.Life is always a big flowervase to fill with mixed roses,carnation, dahliyas, pitunias, and some curved beautiful leaves, EVEN AN AUTUMN LEAVES.I have always thought for my own life problems as they are really problems; but I live like tomorrow I have to die, and dream for it as I have to live forever.Past what most people are saying they put behind , in real sense they do not.And people who say this they are the one to stop at certain station of happines.But I believe that happines is not a station on life platform., as it has sadness in between so we need to move always for happiness.