Paradoxes of Happinesss: the sadness of a Happiness Project.

I think everyone could benefit from a happiness project.

But there’s also a sad side to a happiness project, which comes directly from the first and most important of my Twelve Commandments: “Be Gretchen.”

Many of the things that have brought me happiness since I started my Happiness Project came directly from my attempt to do a better job of “Being Gretchen.” This blog. My children’s literature book group. My Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island project.

But being Gretchen, and accepting my true likes and dislikes, also means that I have to face the fact that I will never visit a jazz club at midnight, or hang out in artists’ studios, or jet off to Paris for the weekend, or pack up to go fly-fishing on a spring dawn. I won’t be admired for my chic wardrobe or be appointed to a high government office. I love fortune cookies and refuse to try foie gras.

Now, you might think – “Well, okay, but why does that make you sad? You don’t want to visit a jazz club at midnight anyway, so why does it make you sad to know that you don’t want to do that? If you wanted to, of course you could.”

It makes me sad for two reasons. First, it makes me sad to realize my limitations. The world offers so much!--and I am too small to appreciate it. The joke in law school was: "The curse of Yale Law School is to try to die with your options open." Which means -- at some point, you have to pursue one option, which means foreclosing other options, and to try to avoid that is crazy. Similarly, to be Gretchen means to let go of all the things that I am not -- to acknowledge what I don't encompass.

But it also makes me sad because, in many ways, I wish I were different. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.” I have a lot of notions about what I wish I liked to do, of the subjects and occupations that I wish interested me. But it doesn’t matter what I wish I were like. I am Gretchen.

Once I realized this, I saw that this problem is quite more widespread. A person wants to teach high school, but wishes he wanted to be a banker. Or vice versa. A person has a service heart but doesn’t want to put it to use. Someone wants to be a stay-at-home mother but wishes she wanted to work; another person wants to work but wishes she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. And it’s possible -- in fact quite easy -- to construct a life quite unrelated to our nature.

People judge us; we judge ourselves.

And the Happiness Project makes me sad for another reason. Just as I must “Be Gretchen” and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. This is most true of my immediate family.

It’s very hard not to project onto your children everything you wish they would be. “You should be more friendly,” “You would love to be able to play the piano, why don’t you practice?” “Don’t be scared.”

And it’s even harder to accept your spouse. A friend told me that her mantra for marriage was “I love Leo, just as he is.” I remind myself of this constantly. I wish the Big Man got a big kick out of decorating the apartment for the holidays and that he was more eager to pass out gold stars, and sometimes it makes me sad to realize that he won't ever be that way. I’m sure he wishes that I were eager to go camping and that I had a more peacable nature. But I love him just the way he is, and I’m a lot happier when I don’t expect him to change. The fact is, we can change no one but ourselves.

That’s another paradox of happiness: I want to “Be Gretchen,” yet I also want to change myself for the better.

Now, you might say again, "Why does all this make you sad? Rejoice in what you are; be authentic," etc., etc. But it does make me feel sad sometimes.

*
Several thoughtful readers sent me the link to a very interesting article from The Atlantic: Paul Bloom's First Person Plural, about our "multiple selves."

*
Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Nicole]

This post really resonated with me. I find that this is one of the things I struggle most with in my personal life. It's so difficult to push myself to be the fullest version of who I can be (especially because I feel there's some uncharted territory there) while also being true to myself.

[Drew Kime]

Your line about decorating for the holidays could just as easily be about my family. So let me give you the other side of that: I *also* wish I enjoyed decorating for the holidays. Not because I care about the decorations, but because I'd like to participate in the activity with my wife and daughters.

But I know myself. When I decorate, it's a task to accomplish. It has to be "right". It's about the outcome, not the activity.

My wife still thinks, deep down, that if I'd just "stop worrying about it being perfect" and "have fun with it" that I'd have a good time. But she doesn't force the issue any more. Which is better for everyone.

And I still wish I enjoyed it more.

[Mark]

I really enjoy it when you elaborate on one of your "Twelve Commandments". Could you add tags for them or links from each to a representative post? Pleeeeze? I hate getting intrigued by one but not being quite sure what it means!

[jonnifer]

Gretchen, do you think if you went out and tried some of those things you wish you liked -- visiting a jazz club at midnight, jetting off to, if not Paris, then Montreal for the weekend -- that it might demystify some of these things and make you less sad about not doing them all the time? I understand what you are saying about limitations and how we can't be all things. I just wonder if part of wishing we could be different isn't romanticizing those other ways of being.

[Ella]

Wonderful post, Gretchen.

[Gwen]

I have found, with my husband, that some of the things that frustrate me periodically are actually related to things about him that I really respect. For example, he is a college professor, and won't take any time off during Spring Break. I used to get annoyed that we couldn't sneak in a little mini-get-away that week, until I realized that this is just an instantiation of one of the things that I respect most about him - the fact that he has a very strong work ethic. Once I realized that this is just a part of his work ethic, and I wouldn't change that about him if I could, the whole SB thing didn't bother me so much...

Actually, this is related to a philosophy that helped make me happier with myself. I realize and have slowly grown to appreciate the fact that who I am (and true for every person) is a complex interaction of all my bits and pieces, and you can't reach in and change one bit without having unpredictable repurcussions ripple through the whole system.

If, for example, I was more physically attractive, I wouldn't still be "me". From a young age, people around me would have treated me differently, and I'd have grown up with a different set of personal values, a different perspective on myself and life and others...

Or, for less shallow examples - I wandered a bit before I found my career path in life and I didn't get along well with my father as a child. Those experiences weren't fun. But I pretty much like who I am now, and I wouldn't be that person if I hadn't lived through those experiences, so I can't wish them gone...

Maybe - just maybe - if I could change one of those things, the end result would have been "better" somehow. But, frankly, I think I'm sitting at the blackjack table with a 19 - the odds that another card would make things worse are a lot higher than the odds that another card would make things better. I think I'll stand. ;)

Bottom line - we are "whole cloth" and we can't be tweaked "piece meal". :)

[EscapeVelocity]

It has taken me decades to even accept that the hairstyles I like can't be done with my actual hair.

[sylrayj]

Perhaps happiness isn't precisely what you're seeking. My mom told me that what she wanted out of life was contentment. To be okay with who she is, to have her simple pleasures. In some ways, that's what I strive for as well, and most of the time I find it with the Happiness Project.

You do reach farther, I think, than my mom. I recall your drawing classes. You pointed out your new photo book.

I tried to learn glassblowing, and I just don't have 'it.' The singing of the glass into an art form, the dance with ceramics to create something breathtaking - it's not mine. I am glad that I tried it, and it's possible that one day, I might go back. There may be a time and a day when you find yourself in that jazz club, close enough to midnight.

I figure that as long as you're willing to follow your road, instead of tell it where to go, it could lead you anywhere and everywhere. :)

[Viola]

Jonnifer, that's spot on. I've found it so liberating to try things I've always wanted to do and find that, actually, they're not fun for me. That nagging question about them is gone and that leaves me much more content.

However, there are also things that I like and wish I had more talent for (a better singing voice, for example). They makes me a little sad.

Gretchen, have you also considered what might be behind the things you wish you liked? Rather than the jazz club and the artist's studio per se, are you longing for places of freedom and creativity where you don't have to care about what society thinks? If so, it might be possible to find those things somewhere else entirely....

[Joanne]

At first this post actually left me a little sad, for you, for myself, for how we won't do what we wish we'd like to do, different romanticized things we might think of. But the more I thought about it, I realized that there is some gratitude in knowing yourself well enough to not spend time doing that which isn't really you.

[Molly]

Gretchen I am proud of you for acknowledging your sadness. Sadness isn't a negative thing. Emotions are like clouds passing in the sky. They arise to pass away.
Sadness feels differently to us than happiness does, but it is simply the opposite side of the same coin. Kudos to you for being with your sadness and not trying to talk yourself out of it.

[Emma]

Gretchen, I admire you even more than I already did for having the courage to post this. I have never spoken these things out loud, but often feel them. The narrowing of options IS sad, despite the fact that that narrowing is what bring us to fruition.

I'm going to re-read this several times, I'm sure. It brings me such comfort to know I'm not alone in this.

[Brian]

Ironically enough, there are quite a few people who are sad because although they do go off to Paris on a whim,and visit a fair share of jazz clubs...they wish their spouse would stay away while they decorate,they wish they could come up with an inspiration for a daily blog,or author a book..to each their own..that first 5 seconds standing on your own 2 feet first thing in the morning,that should be the best source of happiness a brain orgasm each morning ..many sad souls not able to do that.. don't ignore the gold in your hand to pursue silver next door..

[The Healthy Librarian]

This is your best post yet! Loved it!

I was an English major, because I love to read.

I thought I SHOULD go to law school, and after one of the most boring weeks of my life I quit--just like that--& I'm not a quitter.

Became a librarian instead, and never regretted it for one minute.

Now that I'm also blogging I get to research & write about whatever I choose--and it's all for the love it. Way better than doing it for
money, or for someone else.

On the subject of happiness & career, how to guide your kids, and "what if money really can't buy happiness, you might be interested in my post on: The Best Advice You Can Ever Give Your Grown-Up Kids":

http://www.happyhealthylonglife.com/happy_healthy_long_life/2008/03/the-best-advice.html

[Dora]

This post really resonates with me. Because this is exactly what's been on my mind lately.

I'm currently going through a period of major change, and as always, they make you think.

And I realize, I will never be an astronaut. I will never know what it's like to be someone else, live a different life. Like you say, the world is so big, and I wonder if I'm missing out.

I will never be an F-1 racer. I will never be a supermodel. I will never know what it's like to fight in a war. To be a dancer on a cruise ship. To be a dealer in Las Vegas.

Not because they are entirely impossible to achieve. But because I can't dance (I tried). I can't take G Forces (I can't even ride a roller coaster). I am not tall or pretty enough. I hate physics and maths, so I can't be an astronaut.

This is less about whether I CAN actually do any of those things, but more about whether I'd actually want to do them. Or to be dedicated enough to work towards them.

I will never be that person.

[Jonathan]

It could be grieving as much as sadness. Having said that, my youngest sister had this romantic notion of being in Paris, carrying a bag of food (french bread akimbo out the top) and wine. She would of course be speaking French. Then when she got the chance to be in Paris, she realized her dream and found it wasn't what she expected. For some reason, from my point of view, your being in the jazz club at midnight means something else to you.

[Tiffany]

Gretchen,

I really enjoyed your post. It was very insightful. I agree with your "paradox of happiness" in wanting to be you yet also wanting to change yourself for the better. I think as humans, it is often difficult to determine exactly what it is that will make us happy and then pursue it. And even when you do decide, that choice can be fleeting. In my life (as much as possible), I try to focus on maximizing joy in whatever form I chose at the moment ;)

Tiffany
http://mymantra.com/blog1/

[Gretchen Rubin]

I'm so happy that this post resonated with other people. Sometimes, when I write something, I think, "Is this going to be anything to anyone besides me?" -- and that's how I felt about this one. But I see that you all know what I'm talking about.

Great suggestions too about "re-framing" the question...I'm going to have to do a lot of thinking about what the commenters have said.

Always surprises me that to "Know thyself" is so difficult.

And to Mark -- about making the Twelve Commandments into links -- what a great idea! Maybe I'll do a series, with a post on each commandment, and provide a link...I appreciate that suggestion! Plus I get at least an email a week asking me to explain what "Spend out" means!

[Lisa]

Thanks Gretchen. I recognise the feeling of "this shall be left undone". And yes, it is a bit sad. But also perhaps a relief.
At this point, I remember (I recall you have read it too): Bridget Jones' Diary. Key line: "I love you just the way you are." I am thinking a lot about your commandments concept and this is on my short-list. I am thinking this is a good thought to keep front of mind both for me and for those I love.

[queenie]

It's thoughts like these, Gretchen, that cause me to always check your postings.

Have you considered the fact that you are venturing into the philosophical?

I mean really considered that? You know, like maybe you are in danger of becoming a philosopher. . . .

happiness. . . . contentment. . . . a search for the 'good' life. . . . how we treat one another. . . . All time-honoured categories of philosophy. Including one you touch on here, I think for the first time: sadness. Philosophy might translate that into tragedy, I'm not sure.

semper fi

[Alison]

I love reading this blog! You are very wise.

[Don Schenck]

I don't remember the exact date, but I remember the incident very clearly:

One day -- I was about 34 years old -- I dawned on me: I can DO ANYTHING I want, but I can't DO EVERYTHING I want.

Life-changing.

[FupDuckTV]

As a champion of happiness, you sure manage to find the negative side alot. You should change your blog to the Why-Can't-I-Be-Happy blog. "You can’t choose what you like to do" - I highly disagree! I've learned to like many things that I didn't enjoy first off. Gretchen, I'm worried that you are bi-polar. I read your blog regularly, but so far you are not a person that I would categorize as happy. Instead, I would categorize you as "trying to be happy, but still not quite getting it."

[Mary]

Wonderful post. Very thought-provoking. This is something I've always struggled with as well. I've learned to embrace who I am and accept my limitations, but I absolutely understand why there is a little sadness in that. I think we all sometimes wish we liked different things, or wanted different things, or were good at different things.

[shamman anjum]

Hi.....very interesting!!!!!!!!!reads your article.I am also a writer and thinker; but same time..giver to be happy and sad to not get in reward.Well this game of life what we always play or we have to play.There would be no happiness without feeling sadness; and there would be no sadness if we did not enjoy happiness.Life is always a big flowervase to fill with mixed roses,carnation, dahliyas, pitunias, and some curved beautiful leaves, EVEN AN AUTUMN LEAVES.I have always thought for my own life problems as they are really problems; but I live like tomorrow I have to die, and dream for it as I have to live forever.Past what most people are saying they put behind , in real sense they do not.And people who say this they are the one to stop at certain station of happines.But I believe that happines is not a station on life platform., as it has sadness in between so we need to move always for happiness.

[generation next]

Thanks for the link to the "First Person Plural" article, I enjoyed reading it.

[Debra]

Great, as always! It's all about knowing who you are and being okay with that. Thanks for the thought provoking post.

[Jean]

Great post; so true. I went through a period in my life (and probably will again) of saying goodbye to some dreams and some things that I used to like. It made me sad, yes, but I had to see that these goodbyes are part of aging, of continuing in life, as natural as autumn leaves falling from a tree. But I think Jonnifer and Viola have interesting ideas... maybe we should take another look at those dreams that still tug at our hearts and see what they really mean.

[Mark W.]

I don't know how you could gauge happiness without experiencing sadness. It just makes so much sense to me since everything is relative and comparisons need to be made. I commend you for being authentic here as it lends even more credibility to your happiness project.

[MJ]

Yeah, well I'm sorry that I can't like being a lawyer, and that my parents wanted me to be one so badly, and that my mother introduces me to her hobby club as "my daughter the lawyer" with so much pride, and I feel like I'm betraying their love and support and feel like a paler, fading shade of gray every day.

But that is why the Good Lord made wine, and we can have stiff upper lips and endure.

I'll survive, sure you will as well. Take it for the team!

[Natasha Vasillis]

Thanks for such a great post. I think most of us feel the same way. I'm a college student, majoring in English and trying to figure out what path to take. I'm an English major because I like to read. There are so many things I can do that involves books, but I'm undecided. I think almost daily I grieve for my limitations (I will probably never set foot in any club,) but my passions give me such joy.

I followed your lead and one of my commandments is to "Be Natasha". I would rather spend the night reading a great book then dancing in a club, I love children's books and check out dozens every time I go to the library. I think by knowing who we are as people and being ourselves, we can start making the world better.

[jennyu]

Great post, as usual. And I always enjoy reading the contributions of readers - enriching the mix.
I remember when I turned 25, and realised I'd never be a Rhodes Scholar. The fact that I'd never wanted to be such, never applied or even looked into it, was beside the point. It was the closing of an option. I'm now looking down the barrel of not having the opportunity to have children. Always thought I'd think about it/decide what I wanted when I met my future husband. Still haven't met him (if he exists!) but time waits for no ovary.

It's part of being human, isn't it? And more particularly so in the world we live in - we see so much of what other people do, have, are... But then there's the majority of humanity who have SO MUCH LESS than us - we are the rich, privileged west. That usually sobers me up when I start comparing my material situation to that of others who have X Y or Z.

I agree with the person who commented that sometimes we need to try these things - if we have this hankering after them. I loved the Atlantic article. Blimey, I'm an introvert - I had no idea. I find parties incredibly dull because no one wants to talk about anything of substance. I like to have fun, but meaningful fun. Is that possible?

I really relate to what you say about law school - is THAT where I got the "keep your options open" virus from!?!?

best wishes

Jenny

PS read a great quote the other day: don't compare your inside with someone else's outside.

[jenny]

PPS
when I was at uni, deciding to keep going with a law degree when i enjoyed my History major much more and was much better at it, I thought I'd like to have five lives, where I got to do something different in each one. I can hardly remember myself from those days - somehow I think perhaps I saw more clearly then. better try to remember what it felt like to be younger and seemingly have more choices.

[Alex Fayle]

I'm with you all the way on this on Gretchen!

I look at people ten years younger than me earning 6-figure incomes in corporate jobs and I think "I wish I wanted to do that" but I'm an artist at heart and my path to financial security is a different one. I fought it for years and was insanely unhappy. Now I'm following the artistic path, am flat broke, worry about money nearly all the time, but am insanely happy (except when I get the moments of wishing I could make life easier for myself and follow the crowd).

Cheers,
Alex

[Bridget]

I love this post. It's so true...and I do think about those things sometimes, especially as I'm getting older. There are no "do overs" and some things just aren't going to happen. It does make me a little sad sometimes. I just have to embrace what is. :)

[Chet]

Gretchen,

This was the best post I have read anywhere in a long time. I especially enjoy your counterpoint entries; and this one was very helpful in that way, and also on its own merits.

For what it may be worth, I am retired and very much enjoying working on whatever strikes my fancy at the moment, ... and with NOBODY to tell me to do it their way, on their schedule, with their restraints, etc., etc. I want to do a zillion things, never able to do enough of them, of course. I see your point about the sadness of not wanting to do some things you might wish you wanted to do. And I share that point of view to some degree. But I also find great happiness (glee, even, at times) in making the personal development changes that I want to make, can make and succeed at making. Even the hope of making some change (which often arises from finding a new way of looking at how to approach it) makes me feel very happy ... much more so than any sadness that might arise from knowing that I also missed other alternatives by choosing this one. Maybe, like a typical male, it comes about because I can only think of one thing at a time. :)

Anyhow, thanks again for this entry and for your blog in general. There is always something interesting, informative and provocative every time I visit. Thank you so much.

And may I echo Mark's request for an index to the explanations of your 12 commandments. When I first encountered your blog, I spent an hour looking for it. When I didn't find it, I figured you purposely did not elaborate, perhaps because commandment #1 kept it quiet, at least for the then present time. I am looking forward to seeing it, and its evolution as entries are made that refine, expand and ... what each commandment is about. So my techy point here is to allow for lots of entries expanding on each commandment, even though you may start with only one. Also allow for some duplication as a new entry expands on more than one commandment, etc. And then, of course, there will be the cross-references, ... ENOUGH!

Thanks again. And all the best.

[Jen]

What a great post. When I'm feeling sad because I'm not able to hang out at jazz clubs or jet off to Paris (mostly because I'm a mom and gotta be here or making the logistical/childcare arrangments are just too difficult) I just tell myself it's not the right time and later there will be time for stuff like this. Good to know others feel this way too.

[Charlie D.]

Such a thought provoking and personal post. Thank you Gretchen. I've always been the "dreamer" sort and criticized by some ad nauseum because of that but one to follow my hopes and dreams and work to turn them into realities. What saddens me is to see some closest to me give up their dreams and for lack of a better description - just exist (a visual description might be that the candle inside of them flickered out). Life has a way of doing that to many and it may be why it's my children's eyes that motivate me most as they always shine with wonderment, curiosity and anticipation of what may come next. The key to happiness, I think, is in helping others first but to also be passionate about life and following your dreams. I once read a quote by Richard Bach that always stayed with me and it applies: "You are never given a dream without also being given the power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however."

[Kim the Blogging Bard]

As usual you were really interesting and really made me think.

I relate to what you say here, more than I'd like to admit. I'd like to be this really cool, easy going person who gets along with everyone, but that isn't me--not really. I don't feel comfortable in strange situations and I get more uptight about things than I like, and I make friends slowly. I WANT to be different and am pretty good at pretending, but it can be hard to deny that inside I am shy.

In the same way, I'd like my husband to change, sometimes, and I have to remind myself that is unfair and unrealistic. Plus I love him, just the way he is.

[Tana]

Thank you so much for this post.

I actually lost a friendship because I couldn't tell the difference between what I sometimes wished I was and what I was actually willing to become. I always had a touch of envy for those women who go out, in grand style, enjoying their cosmopolitans and discussing high fashion. I had a friend, however, who actually became that, and decided she was no longer interested in me because I didn't become that person. I wonder to this day if I am partially to blame for that, as I probably led her to believe that I was willing to go in that direction.

But the thing is...when given the choice, I'd much rather stay home. I'm such a homebody, and I really don't enjoy crowds, bars, or getting all dolled up, to be honest. Thanks for this post...it makes me realize that perhaps I can learn to be ok with being me...just as I am.

[Donna]

I'll take on FupDuckTV's comment.

I see Gretchen as not so much trying to be happy as exploring the idea of happiness as a concept or philosophy. Isn't "being happy" like shooting a moving target? I think only a relatively happy person would dare tackle the topic.

The truly unhappy people I've known struck me as just a gaggle of personal and narcissistic complaints. They usually don't think big picture. Or when they do, they would be laughable if the outcome weren't so often tragic. (Cho and his Happiness Project blog? Oh if only.)

I look back on my marriage and think of times when we weren't happy. What was different then? We took offense. During infatuation you interpret everything as beautiful, charming or at least benign. Later in the marriage, it's the opposite. If you want a happy marriage, you have to learn the art of the shrug. The sincere shrug.

To quote myself (I blog too):

"Director Frederico Fellini used to drive his film-score composer crazy with instructions like: I want a very sad piece of music here, but with a little happiness inside it. (Or the reverse — a happy piece of music with a little sadness inside it.) The working title of Fellini’s La Dolce Vita was longer, and loosely translates to: Yes, life is brutal and horrible and senseless, but within all that we still have moments of sensuality and sweetness."

Think yin-yang. The white has a bit of black, and vice versa. Gretchen is on to something.

[dlf]

Are you an Enneagram 7 type?

[dh]

Tips and methods only go so far.
Authenticity and contentment come through committed action tied to one's passions. This requires us to settle on what truly matters and develop discipline and commitment to make manifest in our life what matters. And to manage the little deaths that attach to choice. Perhaps less grazing for happiness and more substance with respect to becoming an authentic, mature self. I recommend Kierkegaard for some enlightenment.

[dlf]

Are you an Enneagram 7 type?

[lindsay]

ah, the constant tug between striving and accepting. i've never figured this out, except to say that it seems like a balance of neccesary opposites. and yes it can be sad, while being busy and running out and fullfilling all things on my dreams/ desires list i am not just accepting myself as is and letting me be me as is. I'm pushing myself. And yet if i don't push myself i find i can be dissatisfied with things about me and my life. I figure there is a time for both pursuing and accepting

[Uncle Al]

No woman can be happy unless her name ends in a vowel. Second best is a contained sibilant.

Melissa, Gabrielle, Courtney, Serena, Buffy Tabitha, Vanessa, Nicole, Kelli, Scarlett,...

[Erich Pleny]

Gretchen -

It's always a pleasure to come to your site and see your thinking on happiness. I think you hit on a few things in this posting that I also am starting to be aware of in myself.

I am discovering that the entire dilemma of what I think I want and what I want are actually most of the time at odds. We live life full of desperation trying to be the thing that we think we should be... at a jazz club, an astronaut. But I think this has nothing to do with what we want to do, but that we see other successful people (people we judge as so) and think if only I did that I too would be successful (or "good", or "beautiful"). Such thinking I believe always has some sort of motivation and if you understand your motivation the thought disappears. I think the solution can be found by not judging ourselves and finding out what we really like and we'll see that it is as good or better than what we see other's doing because it is what we want to do. Trying to find happiness by some external definition will never be real happiness.

For me, I always wanted to start my own business. I pursued the idea of "being a businessman". However, whenever I tried to do things I thought business men "should" do, I would not be really happy. I would read certain magazines or do different things. Instead I try and make no plan on how to be a business man and just do what sounds interesting, appealing, or "feels" like the right next step. I find I am still trending in a direction towards starting my own tech business but in a different way than I thought I should and it feels great at every step. Looking back, I feel the things I "should" have done were not the things that brought me towards my goal anyway and were taking me away from it (and wasting a ton of time).

I think the Buddhists call this dualistic thinking. Ideas like "I want to be an Astronaut", "that person is bad", "chocolate is good". People are infinite beings that can never be defined or put into boxes like "astronaut", "bad", "good". These boxes limit what a thing can be. If you instead focus on the person being the person and nothing more you may find the person ends up being an astronaut, businessman, etc to some approximation, but more importantly in their own way.

The other point you make is that by choosing a path we limit ourselves. But isn't it also the case that you decide today, "fine, I'm not going to jazz because I don't like it now", but that doesn't mean I may not start liking it in the future? I am discovering that there is no limitation in a choice. Choices can change, mistakes can be learned from and advanced beyond. I think the real sadness I feel in life is when I look back at the times when i could not make a choice - out of fear, or just not knowing what I wanted. Not making the choice never lets me see what the choice is really like. I never gained from the experience and the non-choice sat in my mind and negatively affected me for a long time until I understood it.

You also mention the idea of regret for not appreciating something that you think must have some beauty, which you can not see. I understand this as well, but maybe instead of focusing your mind on this, you look at those things that do have a beauty to you now and look at them more and more. Everything has its own beauty. Some appeal to us more than others. Preference / awareness changes with time.

Maybe in summary I'd say: avoid judgement of yourself, avoid choosing something because you "should".

[Doug k]

our lives are in the space between Isiah Berlin's
“We are doomed to choose and every choice may entail an irreparable loss”
and Borges' Garden of Forking Paths, where every choice produces a quantum explosion of alternate futures. Ich bin ein Berliner for the most part, have a hard time seeing past the irreparable losses.

I would note en passant that packing up to go fly fishing on a spring morning, is one of the highest happinesses that the human frame can sustain ;-)

[Noisy Crow Brother]

Did you get this Happiness Project Idea from Rick Reynolds, the comedian? I seem to remember something about him doing a happiness project...

[Dammika]

Great!! Wirth reading for anyone wants to enjoy life. If you have heard or read about Buddhism, you will see the roots to sad and how to get rid of them and be happy. Some can follow the doctorine and can be happy forever. I see your 12 commandments are closely go with it!

[Kisa]

Thanks for this post. I really appreciate your honest and insightful writing on this blog.

One of the things I've been struggling with (still a work in progress) is accepting that I am not naturally an organized person. My brain really actually doesn't work that way. I thought for years that I was, because I have an anal need for things to be done *just so*, and if things are messy it makes me feel scatterbrained until I get them organized. And I make lists and schedules like nobody's business.

And then one day I realized that I make those lists and schedules, and need things to be done one particular way, because I DON'T have an innate capacity for structure, not because I do have one.

Which is, really, a very freeing realization. It allows me to look at how much I want organized living to rule my life, given how hard it is for me, and also to seek help. It also let me stop beating myself up for never following my insanely detailed schedules--I realized they were for calming and organizing my mind, not for actual doing. They served their purpose just in being created.

[Jacob Roquet]

Thank you for what you write.
I love getting your blog "The Happiness Project" in my email. Such a nice word to see, "happiness."
You don't want to go into an artist's studio. That's what I do every day. If things are going bad I don't want you in there, anyway. And you would get mad at me because I would be short with you. If things are going well, I would ignore you as well and you would be sad and upset. I would be lost in what good is going on. Nothing about this would make you happy.
Strike this off your list, please, you could not win on this one. Just be happy you never went to an artist's studio.
You are amazing and beautiful, Gretchen. Thank you for what you do.

Jacob

[rohit]

wow..
That part about accepting people is so true and important...
yes you can't change anyone but our self...
my parents are so stressed out that they irritate me...it affected me so much that i myself became stressed out..
then i tried some scientific relaxation techniques from a professional...now it's becoming easier to accept parents and others as they are..also to accept the past...
And life is so much more easier,...
i have not read your happiness project but from my experience relaxation techniques do work, it may be not the very next day but over time you become so relax and happy that you don even need movies or music to make you happy or comfortable, let alone cigarettes or alcohol...
thankyou
rohit m j

[Filipa]

"(...)it also makes me sad because, in many ways, I wish I were different."
I've been always feeling that, lately, and it's not a pleasent feeling at all...

[Marcela Lucia]

Hola Gretchen.
I've had the same feelings too. What I try to do is accept myself just the way I am and it helps me release the sadness and leave space for happiness. I consider that when I start to accept myself and others it is easier to feel happy. It's not easy, but it's not impossible either.

Let me tell you that I love your blog, your happiness project, your thoughts, all what you post. You are great at writting and a great person who help others with this wonderful blog. As you can see, you have great things, and those things are what makes Gretechen a very special and unique person.

I send you a hug. (I've read that hugging others helps also to your happiness) :)

[nirupama]

what doyou mean by Be gretchen

[Rene Rosechild]

Well, you're the only Gretchen we've got, so if you don't give being Gretchen your best shot, we'll all be short-changed. Let's let Helena and Greg and Alejandra hold down their spots on the team, and you just worry about being Gretchen, and the whole thing will work out much better.

[Kenny]

I loved this post. It really "hit home" for me. With the help of your post I have realized what I want to do with the rest of my life (I am a high school sophomore).

[Charlene Cheek]

I'm intrigued with your fresh ideas & with your story.
I've read the first of your 12 "commandments" so far, & it's clear to me this sadness you speak of is purely a result of personality type.
Some feel good when a decision (regarding their life or most anything) has been made & it's settled. Others feel good when their options are open--they're always thinking of the possibilities.
Psychologists developed the Myers-Briggs inventory to test this personality trait, among others. Each of us falls somewhere on the continuum of "perceiving vrs judging", as they labeled it.
Well, on to number 2...

[Charlene Cheek]

I wanted to add that even if we COULD do every single thing there is to do in this world--it would not make us happy.

Suppose you COULD--you could be in all places & be with all people & do all things & experience it ALL--in your lifetime.

Suddenly, NONE of it would mean anything to you or have value.

It's the very fact that we CAN'T do it all that makes the choices we do make for ourselves--matter.

The finite aspect of the human condition gives life it's meaning.

[Keely H.]

Hi Gretchen,
I know exactly what you mean. I recently spent a week staying with my mother and instead of us getting closer, we spent a lot of time talking about the characteristics she wished I had that I don't have. I think it would be easier if I could be angry with her, but I can see her point. I too sometimes wish I was a charming extrovert who always knew when to keep my opinions to myself and when to express them. But the thing is in the last couple of years I've committed myself to being real about who I am, my genuine strengths and limitations. I feel a lot of grief that I will never be the person my mother wishes me to be, or even that I have wished I could be, but life is too short to devote all your energy to trying to be a mediocre version of someone else. Thank you for posting this. It's nice to hear that other people struggle with the 'might of beens' while on the road to finding yourself.

[BGG]

Love this. So helpful in the situation I'm in. I have a terrible thought caught in my head. I want to act on it, but it would make me unhappier I fear. One person wrote about being at a blackjack table. I kow that feeling. I have 16 showing, what are the odds. Intellectually standing is good, but what if I am a gambler. I know this about myself, Iwould like to take another card, but I hate to lose more than I want to win.

[Juliana]

This post reminds me of one of my crazy "tourism" ideas...I work in the hospitality industry, with marketing, and often try to see ahead and think what will be the "next hot" trend in tourism.
After having boutique and hip hotels, and "experience" travel and so on, what is, like, the next big thing?
Well, I don't know. But one thing I would love to try is to make tourism in other people's lives.
Not like "trading wifes" reality show, but really, really, being in another person's shoes.
Because the one thing people can't take a break from is from being oneself.
Never mind Paris, or the Provence, you'll still be an American (or, in my case, a Brazilian) there.
It's not bad, but it is limiting...
You'll never be somebody else.
For other people, it may be a mather of just facing it and getting used to it, but for me...I'm so goddam curious about all aspects of live, it really kills me that I'm not:
a) a man;
b) a foreigner;
c) a local when I'm travelling;
d) younger;
e) someone who experienced and saw other eras;
f) etc
On the other hand, I think it is great that, most of the time, I'm myself.
I mean, I'd love to be a tourist in another person's life, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather always come back to mine.
I guess this rambling is pointing out to the fact that I should get back to reading more. It is the one thing that makes you able to really experience other people's lives...
(The happiness project seems to be working for me already, I'm realizing what I need to do to be happier)

[Marc Latham]

Hi Gretchen, interesting blog and good idea.

I have a poem about self and image you may find interesting on my website.

Cheers, Marc.

[Soul Man]

Two approaches come to mind ... Western: Listen to and follow God. "Let Thy will be done." Eastern: Accept what is; don't worry about what isn't. Both encourage focusing on the present situation; either or both can be undertaken while feeling sad. Sadness is. We've been conditioned to think sad is bad. When we accept sadness, the road not taken dissolves. Momentary sadness could be the soul paying homage to the vastness of life. In that case, we honor the soul by accepting our sadness.

[Aria]

Gretchen, I appreciate your post here, because I know a lot of people feel this same way. Problem is I see some fundamentally "wrong" ways of thinking here that would undermine happiness... The only person who creates our limitations is us. It is completely in our minds. Obviously if we are 5'2" and wish we were 6'2" that is not going to happen... that is a limitation. If you are “wishing” that you liked something….why? Why would you wish that you liked going to jazz clubs? There must be something inside you that desires to do that… or to be that kind of person… What stops you from doing it? Because you are a mother? Have chosen a different “kind” of life? Who made those rules? What REALLY holds you back from doing things you “wished” you like? It doesn’t make any logical sense to wish you liked something…either you like something or you don’t. If you actually went to a jazz club at midnight…chances are astronomical that you would like it… any reasons you find not to do it are excuses. It is a palatable way we spin things for ourselves so we don’t have to face the fact that we are afraid to do things that we really want to do. A person who is a school teacher yet wishes they were a banker…or a person who has a “service heart” yet does not perform service…is denying their essence…their life…betraying the gift of their life. Constructing a life contrary to our nature, as you put it… is no life. It is a life of quiet desperation, and continuing to stay there…you will never be truly happy or at peace… You will always feel something is missing. Fear is the only thing holding you back… There are no limitations save for those imposed by you…on yourself. If you truly value your life and appreciate every breath you take… you just “do” things… You do not contemplate limitations or reasons you can not.

[Stephanie]

I have come to your blog very late but when I was ready for it. I have a good life - a happy life. Yet, I have felt that something was missing, something that I have not been able to identify. I think tonight that you have helped me realize something important.

I cannot understand why I am not passionate about a profession. I think that I should want to work in a career that would make me happy and that I could be there for 80 hours a week. But, I am 40 years old and I have never found a job that makes me feel that I would rather be working.

I think that I should want to read Shakespeare and learn everything there is to learn about the Civil War. There are so many things that I think that I should learn that I don't even know what I am truly interested in anymore.

I feel guilty (sometimes) that I loved reading Twilight and think that I should be reading something off of Oprah's booklist or from the top 200 BBC books. I loved 1984 and hated The Handmaid's Tale. I know that I would choose to read a disaster book over Jane Austen but I feel "stupid" when I admit that to myself.

I think I have spent a lot of years trying to be someone that I thought I was supposed to be - someone that took the books on vacation that you are taking, Gretchen.

I think that my first step is embracing what I actually want to do with my life and letting go of the rest.

Thank you so much.

[Jennifer]

hi gretchen i just decided to take a look at this and i read this blog and thought...hmmmyup i've had times where i've rued about my past and wished i could have taken a better road i mean come on what better way to get that pie shoved in your face than by going on facebook and seeing your classmates in a higher earing bracket and lifestyle than you right? but then i remember what someone said about...not being able to change the past but you can definitely put your stamp on the present and make a better future-that its not about the road traveled it's about the finish and i'll be damned if i can't be happy while i'm still here and going through each day closer to the finish! i want to inspire others to be liberated within reason...i am trying to obtain a bachelors degree in a field i would love AND thinking of quitting my fulltimer to work part time to have more time to myself and being more active...i'm 30 and single and childless, what better way than to enjoy life without ties and bindings! do what you love, find it, find a way to do and be as close to it as possible....whatever you do, dont you ever die on that deathbed and say- iregret or i wish i had....because you can have a taste of it if you want it bad enough...and dammit, i DO!:)

[Ben]

Dear Gretchen,

I use emotional freedom techniques (EFT), and it works wonders to changing all non-aceptance to acceptance in a very short time.

Try it,

kind Regards

[Caro]

Wow. This post truly spoke to me. I have been struggling so much with wishing I could do certain things but feeling the weight of my limitations. My jazz club at midnight is wishing I could just walk around nyc by myself anytime I wanted. But I can't. I want to and hope to, but my fears hold me back. Thanks for your openhearted post.

[Mike Wilson]

Don't forget, there's no art without boundaries.

Personally I'm wondering when you're going to stop 'happiness project'ing and start with the whole living bit.

Of course you COULD go to a jazz club at midnight tonight, and foie gras is really awesome at Balthazar.

[Aaron Haspel]

A short poem by J.V. Cunningham is the best comment I know of on this topic:

Identity, that spectator
Of what he calls himself, that net
And aggregate of energies
In transient combination -- some
So marginal are they mine? Or is
There mine? I sit in the last warmth
Of a New England fall, and I?
A premise of identity
Where the lost hurries to be lost,
Both in its own best interests
And in the interests of life.

[Larry Clough]

Gretchen,

I think that your regrets are inherrant in any kind of "happiness project." When we focus on happiness, we have a tendency to try to optimize it. But did you not so long ago post a link that suggested that, on the whole, satisficers are happier than optimizers? We would not be any happier if we were able to want all the things we think we ought to want.

I have learned to cherish my deepest regrets, my bitterest disappointments, and my most abject failures, and to let them go. They stand in sharp contrast to my actual joys and real accomplishments. It seems unnecessary to consider hypothetical accomplishments that may have resulted if my priorities had been different.

Be gentle with yourself -- you do need to "be Gretchen."

[Natalie Christie]

What a fascinating post. When we are trying to determine "who" we really are there are so many possibilities open to us, and often the pain really comes from believing that we will be seen in a certain light by behaving in a certain way. For example, we think we'll be seen as "cooler" by going to a jazz club at midnight, whereas spending the day with the kids in the park may be seen as way too domestic and deeply unsexy. Personally I would love to do both, but when I do find myself in a smoke-filled club in the early hours, these days I just find it, well, not me! This is the dilemma - rather than feeling sad about the person you imagine to be more "hip" than you, remember that that person may be sitting at their table in the club, peering through the darkness, nursing a lonely yearning for the life you are choosing instead. Just allowing Gretchen to "be Gretchen" is something most of us never get round to doing. You go girl.

[52 Faces]

I love how a year later, the comments are still going strong.

My Saturn is returning (for those not astrologically inclined - it means I'm at the end of my 20's). It also means I'm confronted with huge disconnects between what I feel I should do, what my Chinese family pressures me to do, and what I really want to do.

I'm facing some of the exact situations above. How I need to be me and discover who that is. My blog, 52 Faces, has chronicled this bumpy planetary return for almost two years now and the angst still comes. lol

I'm sure I'll blog about this as well. Time to get in on the happiness...(again)

[viagra]

Thanks for the review!

[closetpuritan]

This reminds me a lot of Kate Harding's "The Fantasy of Being Thin": http://kateharding.net/2007/11/27/the-fantasy-of-being-thin/

[Iosif]

I love your HAPPINESS PROJECT. Keep on going!

[Lori]

Hello. I just found you... and the awesome thing is that I've been working towards "Being myself unconditionally and effortlessly."

But the thing is that 'me' is kind of a fluid concept--things change all the time...

So, I am happy to have found this, and look forward to reading you. :)