Paradoxes of Happinesss: the sadness of a Happiness Project.

I think everyone could benefit from a happiness project.

But there’s also a sad side to a happiness project, which comes directly from the first and most important of my Twelve Commandments: “Be Gretchen.”

Many of the things that have brought me happiness since I started my Happiness Project came directly from my attempt to do a better job of “Being Gretchen.” This blog. My children’s literature book group. My Boy Castaways of Black Lake Island project.

But being Gretchen, and accepting my true likes and dislikes, also means that I have to face the fact that I will never visit a jazz club at midnight, or hang out in artists’ studios, or jet off to Paris for the weekend, or pack up to go fly-fishing on a spring dawn. I won’t be admired for my chic wardrobe or be appointed to a high government office. I love fortune cookies and refuse to try foie gras.

Now, you might think – “Well, okay, but why does that make you sad? You don’t want to visit a jazz club at midnight anyway, so why does it make you sad to know that you don’t want to do that? If you wanted to, of course you could.”

It makes me sad for two reasons. First, it makes me sad to realize my limitations. The world offers so much!--and I am too small to appreciate it. The joke in law school was: "The curse of Yale Law School is to try to die with your options open." Which means -- at some point, you have to pursue one option, which means foreclosing other options, and to try to avoid that is crazy. Similarly, to be Gretchen means to let go of all the things that I am not -- to acknowledge what I don't encompass.

But it also makes me sad because, in many ways, I wish I were different. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “You can choose what you do, but you can’t choose what you like to do.” I have a lot of notions about what I wish I liked to do, of the subjects and occupations that I wish interested me. But it doesn’t matter what I wish I were like. I am Gretchen.

Once I realized this, I saw that this problem is quite more widespread. A person wants to teach high school, but wishes he wanted to be a banker. Or vice versa. A person has a service heart but doesn’t want to put it to use. Someone wants to be a stay-at-home mother but wishes she wanted to work; another person wants to work but wishes she wanted to be a stay-at-home mother. And it’s possible -- in fact quite easy -- to construct a life quite unrelated to our nature.

People judge us; we judge ourselves.

And the Happiness Project makes me sad for another reason. Just as I must “Be Gretchen” and accept myself, strengths and weaknesses both, I must also accept everyone around me. This is most true of my immediate family.

It’s very hard not to project onto your children everything you wish they would be. “You should be more friendly,” “You would love to be able to play the piano, why don’t you practice?” “Don’t be scared.”

And it’s even harder to accept your spouse. A friend told me that her mantra for marriage was “I love Leo, just as he is.” I remind myself of this constantly. I wish the Big Man got a big kick out of decorating the apartment for the holidays and that he was more eager to pass out gold stars, and sometimes it makes me sad to realize that he won't ever be that way. I’m sure he wishes that I were eager to go camping and that I had a more peacable nature. But I love him just the way he is, and I’m a lot happier when I don’t expect him to change. The fact is, we can change no one but ourselves.

That’s another paradox of happiness: I want to “Be Gretchen,” yet I also want to change myself for the better.

Now, you might say again, "Why does all this make you sad? Rejoice in what you are; be authentic," etc., etc. But it does make me feel sad sometimes.

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Several thoughtful readers sent me the link to a very interesting article from The Atlantic: Paul Bloom's First Person Plural, about our "multiple selves."

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[kim]

i can so relate to this blog, right now i am working hard to Be Kim.

i'm not enjoying realizing the negative attributes that i have been ignoring for so many decades (ummm, like about 4 decades actually). and i don't like that it's hard to undo those things, they have become so ingrained in me, but i refuse to let them Be Kim anymore.

i'm also sad to realize that i probably won't be a supermodel traveling the world in luxury; madison avenue just doesn't seem to find anything sexy about 40+-year-old stressed-out mothers of 2! oh well, their loss!

and it's pretty much seeming like George Clooney was serious about all that "never getting married" stuff.

after so many years, maybe all of my years, living for other people it's really hard to Be Kim, i'm so out of touch with her.

But i'm also very excited about getting to know Kim, she's far from perfect, she has character flaws (such as reading and writing on awesome blogs when she should be working) but she's getting stronger every day. i might even want to be her friend!!

PS: i work at a fly-fishing publishing company, so if you ever decide to go after your fly-fishing dream i can hook a girl up!! (bad pun not intended)

[brandy]

Gretchen, I am just through March of your book and I just wanted to say thanks. I'm inspired at a time where I greatly need it. Thank you for being Gretchen and writing the book just as it is.

[Wendy Craig]

Hi Gretchen I'm fortunate that a lovely friend of mine bought me your "Page a Day Calendar" and it has been an inspiration.
I am learning to "Be Wendy" and I loooooove it. I'm begining to accept me as I am and also coming out of my comfort zone by taking one to one salsa lessons, which gives me a buzz.
I've also refused to use the word "can't" gets rid of the negative feelings, changed it to 'not mastered that yet'
Thank you for your inspiration

[Lizzie]

Stumbled upon this page. So relevant to my life right now. Great writing. I'll bet being Gretchen isn't so bad after all ;)

[Meg R]

Gretchen, it does seem sad at first glance, but when I think that it takes away all the pain of trying to be or like things that don't just come easily/naturally, I think how much smaller and simpler life will be for me. I look around at purchases I've made and the ones I'm sorriest over are the ones that I saw as turning me into this sort of person, like my huge!! glass topped coffee table that is heavy and useless, in the way all the time. That's a description of what I become when I am around it.

Meg

[James Todd]

Here's another take... Gretchen, you note toward the end of this now-famous (!) post, that paradoxically, you want also to Be Better as well as Be Gretchen....
After pondering your take on most of the wisdom of happiness, I am concluding that for me, the better injunction is... Don't Just Be James. I have years of experience trying to 'be me', and I am now learning that all the ego-involvement may make for a spicy character, but that there is more to me than just that...it's my way of addressing the paradox of personal growth, and for me its away from the shallow me of personality toward the greater me of ... presence.
James Todd
(and Canada loves you too!

[Cass]

Hi. Thank you for all that you do. I run to my computer in the morning to grab up the Happiness Quote, so I have a point of reflection daily. But this sentence "....to be Gretchen means to let go of all the things that I am not -- to acknowledge what I don't encompass." is the point I am at, and it took a long time to get here. It's like a warm hug, and I am glad to hear that I am ok not being all those things that are not in my nature. Now the challenge is to find and excavate...what am I good at. Thank you