Relationships: 8 tips for finding the right thing to say in a difficult situation.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: Eight tips for finding the right thing to say in a difficult situation.

I often feel like I don’t know the right thing to say. I’ll be desperate to find the right words, but in a tough situation, I just don’t know what to say to make a person feel better. I often find myself switching the topic of the conversation -- so quickly that I've changed it before I realize what I've done.

I’ve been trying to come up with some tips to help me figure out what to say. This is what I've figured out so far:

1. Try to identify the real problem. It’s quite common for people (like me) to be upset about something, but then to pretend that they’re really upset about something else. Often, when a person’s reaction seems disproporationate to the purported cause, you can figure out what the real problem is, if you try. Once, the Big Girl came crying to me and said, “Everyone pays more attention to the Little Girl than to me!” I had a rare moment of wisdom enough to bite back my first responses: “You know that’s not true,” or “Didn’t I just play ten game of Blink with you?” Instead, I said, “No matter what, you know that you are our most precious, darling girl, and no one would ever forget about you, or think that someone else is more important than you.” That was what she needed to hear, and she skipped off.

You can’t make someone feel better if you’re not talking about the right topic, so taking the time to identify the real problem is a key step.

2. Don’t assume that you know what’s going to happen next. A friend told me that it really upset him, during his separation, when people spoke about his relationship as if divorce were inevitable. Similarly, even positive predictions like “It’s all going to work out” or “You’ll be as good as new” or “Of course you’re going to get that job/get engaged/get into that program” often aren’t very reassuring.

3. Find the right level of questions to ask. People really differ on what kind of conversations they like to have. Some people like to answer probing questions and to get into the details. Other people are just the opposite. So start with general and vague questions, like “How’s it going?” or “How are you doing?” and feel your way.

4. Don’t react with judgment. When something bad happens to someone, the people around him or her often try to identify a “mistake” so that they can reassure themselves that they’re safe, because they would never have made that mistake. But saying things like, “Well, I always said you should stop smoking,” “I never trusted her,” “You should have diversified your investments,” or “You know, you never set any good limits” is NOT helpful.

5. Resist the temptation to show empathy by drawing a comparison to your own painful experience. This sounds like a good idea, but from what I can tell, it doesn’t work very well. A friend whose baby died told me how enraged he was by people who compared his loss to their loss of beloved pets (yes, this really happened, more than once). And a friend whose child has a life-threatening illness was infuriated when people said they understood how upset she was, because they’d been through a divorce. Trying to show empathy by comparing your pain to another person’s is, apparently, not very comforting.

6. Acknowledge the reality of other people's feelings. This tip comes from all-time favorite parenting book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and it's just as applicable to adults as to children. Often, people just want someone to acknowledge how they feel. It can be tempting to say things like, "You're not really mad," or "There's no reason to be so upset," or "You were never happy in that job in the first place." But denying people's feelings adds to their frustration; acknowledging bad feelings helps the feelings to dissipate. This strategy is harder than it sounds to follow, but it really works.

7. Follow their lead. When I’ve talked to people who are very upset about something, I’ve noticed that they often keep circling back to the same point. It seems to help them to keep talking about that same one issue. It’s not always obvious why some aspect of a problem would be the most worrisome, and I used to try to move the conversation along, but now I think that it’s most helpful to follow a person’s lead and to keep talking about whatever is weighing most heavily.

8. Think about what a person needs to hear. Sometimes it’s not obvious that something needs to be said; you must be alert to people’s unspoken thoughts. A friend of mine was very close to her in-laws. She told me that when her brother-in-law got engaged, she felt jealous of his fiancée and was worried about feeling displaced in a relationship that was important to her. There wasn’t any reason for her to worry, but that was how she felt. One night at dinner, the entire family spent the whole time talking about the wedding, and afterward, her mother-in-law said to her privately, in a very loving voice, “Jill, you know you’ll always have a special place in our heart.” Jill told me that she almost started crying, it meant so much to her.

I thought this was just about the perfect thing to say. Her mother-in-law guessed what Jill might be feeling, and wanted to reassure her. She didn't deny what my friend was feeling. She wasn’t dismissive of the new daughter-in-law. She didn’t make a comparison. But she said exactly what my friend needed to hear.

I wish I had many more tips. When you've been in a tough situation, what kinds of conversations have made you feel better (or worse)? Or what rules do you follow to find the right words to say?

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Adam Steer, Momentum Wellness]

I had a buddy who went through an extremely rough patch of life a few years ago, and I became his main sounding board. What I found was that, at least in that situation, what he needed more than anything else was a place to unload and download. Nothing I could say was really going to help anything. So I focused on supporting him, emphasizing what was going well and just providing him with a place to "get it off his chest."

Cheers,
Adam

[Pete]

I think this is a great list. Too bad I won't get the chance to pull it out when those situations arise. ;)

http://yinvsyang.com/

[Maria Helm]

"...try to identify a “mistake” so that they can reassure themselves that they’re safe..."
Now I understand something about myself that I didn't before..why I was a much better listener as a teenager than I am as an adult. As a teen, my friends joked that I was their "personal counselor". But, as an adult, I find conversations about other people's problems are like walking a land mine, and I'm constantly torn between what I think I should point out and not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. I always wondered why I felt so compelled to figure out what could have been done differently, instead of just "being there" for the person and recognizing their pain.

This comment made me realize the difference between then and now. As a teen I had a very stable home and secure life. Now, as an adult in charge of my own life, when I hear someone else's problem, I am constantly thinking "that could be me".

Hopefully I can use that knowledge next time I am in a similar situation to help rein in my own reaction so that I can "be there" for the person who needs me, and just recognize their feelings instead of soothing my own.

[Genevieve]

"Try to identify the real problem" struck me the most. I was actually on the verge of a massive fight with someone I really didn't want to be angry with, and I reacted kind of like you did, Gretchen. He's on the campaign trail, so fortunately for me, I don't get to speak with him very often- it's all via email right now. So I was able to pull back for a few days (and being in law school, 'Sorry it took me a few days to respond, I got really busy!' is a ready and very true excuse for that), and then respond calmly to what the problem actually was. Here's a surprise (sarcasm)- it wasn't at all related to what I would have said to him had I responded immediately.

Oh, and Number 2 was great too- I really don't like it when people say "Sure, you'll get that job!" because, and this might just be me, but I always feel like they're just saying it, that they aren't really listening to what I just said about why I was concerned that I *wouldn't* get it, and, well, what do I say (and they say) when I *don't* get it?

[EscapeVelocity]

#3 is really difficult when the other person's tastes in this matter are different from yours--as, inevitably, is usually the case.

[Jessica]

Great list, Gretchen. This really is helpful to think about, especially the "right level of questions" point. I think sometimes I probe too deeply, with good intentions, but some people just don't want to go there, and that's important to be sensitive to.

[FupDuckTV]

Good list... I have the hardest time with #5. It is my natural instinct to want to empathize.

http://fupducktv.com/blog/

[catch22miller]

When announcing to my friends and family that I was getting a divorce, there were a variety of responses fitting into all of the categories covered above. The one I found most comforting was from a friend who gave me a hug and simply told me I deserved better. It seemed much more helpful to have responses focusing on my having a brighter future ahead rather than my past.

[Tootie]

This is such a good list! A couple things I've learned are: 1) Be honest when you don't know what to say. That alone can break the ice.
2) Don't be quick to give "solutions." Sometimes the person just wants to vent and isn't looking for practical options yet.

[KCCC]

Sometimes it's enough simply to "be witness" to deep feelings. Just to be there.

There is a friend who will always hold a special place in my heart because she just let me cry in front of her (more than once) after my last miscarriage.

I especially appreciate that she understood that feelings ebb and flow, and didn't expect me to be "over it" after one round.

(BTW, I could write a whole list of "what NOT to say to someone who's had a miscarriage." Most of them boil down to specific examples of "assuming what will happen next," "denying feelings," or "comparing painful experiences.")

[Clay @ yayforeverything]

Thanks Gretchen, a great post. I'm particularly bad at offering a similar story from my own experience as an act of empathy, but you can often see people react badly when you do this. And from when I've been in the situation when I'm the one trying to express something and someone else takes over, I know that familiar kick that comes from thinking, "Wait, I'm talking about ME here". Plus you always run the risk of imposing your own own meaning on their events.

In 7 Habits, the author talks about empathic listening, where you basically mirror and repeat back the emotions that the other person is reporting, and only when they stop speaking about emotions and specifically ask for your input do you offer advice.

Its hard though. Its always tempting to believe that we know the solutions to other peoples' problems. Especially if you're a fix-it person, which guys in particular can be.

Great post, thank you Gretchen.

Clay

[Gladys]

Thank you for such excellent suggestions. I am a "fixer" and want to help and fix problems when told of them, or at the least say something helpful. However, I have learned that simply being available to listen is often the most valuable thing I can offer. I am learning to say that I am sorry to hear about whatever is going on and that while I don't know what to say, I am available to listen.

Some of the best advice I ever received came when my marriage was falling apart. I was stressing and venting to my pastor one day, and he finally looked at me and said he had no idea what I was going through and didn't have any advice for me, but would pray that I could find a sense of peace while going through it. That simple statement made a such difference to me then and many times since, and I have offered it to others when I had no idea what to say.

[Jenelle]

I'm 27 and have experienced the death of my father and a very near death experience with illness just a few months ago, so I feel I have some insight here. I think a lot of what you wrote (as well as Tootie from the comments) rings true. I generally get my back up when people give me stories about their own problems or compare their experiences to mine. Everyone has difficult experiences, but telling me about your trip to the ER with a migraine doesn't help me deal with being on life-support for a week. Also, while you shouldn't pry and force people to talk about things they don't want to talk about, not mentioning a big event, such as the death of a loved one, is even more awkward. When stuck, just admit it was sad to hear about it and you don't know what to say in such a difficult situation! Often, I find a simple reflection of emotion is the safest and most effective bet (e.g., "That must be very frustrating", "You must be very upset").

[Janice]

"5. Resist the temptation to show empathy by drawing a comparison to your own painful experience."

I think this is a very thoughtful observation and very true to the point. As a 25-year old Type 1 diabetic who has lived with this condition for 8 years, there is nothing that infuriates me more than when my other young friends talk about how they actually have the worse health out of anyone they know because their hands are always cold. I think, "Cold hands--that's the best you can come up with? Are you going to seriously worry about how cold your hands are 10-15 years down the line?" Of course they aren't and that is partially what makes the thoughtless comparison so infuriating. I've since learned to limit the number of people I share my health-related troubles with, because it limits my exposure to some of the squirm-inducing situations that can follow.

[bixlience]

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[gilly]

I recently went through a very rough, traumatic time in my life. The best help were friends who validated my feelings, but did not judge the situation. My really good friends just listened and cared and reassured me that I was not crazy or weak.

Validating a hurting or confused person's feelings is probably the most helpful thing someone can do.

[Jaydee]

All 8 points are good ones but I really need to respond to #5. I lost a son to suicide 4 years and 4 months ago. There is NOTHING another person can say to you that makes a difference or eases the pain and there were only 4 people who provided comfort. All four of them just pulled me to them and held on and said "I don't know what to say" but they let me cry and let me talk if I could. Losing a child has a way of seperating fair weather friends from true friends and had it not been for it happening, you might have never known how shallow the relationship was.
The only place you feel safe or normal for a very long time is in a support group of other parents who have experienced the same loss, who know the need to voice your 'whys' outloud, who know not to compare their loss to yours but who shows their empathy with shared tears. They know not to try and change the subject, they know not to offer such platitudes as "He's in a better place" or try to give you advice. DON'T offer advice as to how someone is supposed to grieve, just have a ready hug, a willing shoulder to cry on and a listening ear. That is being a true friend, no words are necessary. Thank you Gretchen for bringing attention to all of these situations.

[Anne]

I had the opportunity to work through this at the bus stop today. There is a dad who has a form of brain cancer that I have been told is terminal. He normally stays in his car but waves at us as we scramble to the stop. Today he got out of his car and walked up to the stop. The color in his face was amazing and it was so good to see him out of his car. What to say? I greeted him and told him he looked great. He smiled this huge smile and said he felt really good today. Why did I ever hesitate?Maybe tomorrow I should stop by the window to his car and chat with him there if that's where he's at...

[David Barber]

My one piece of advice boils down to one word only: Listen.

Listen and don't talk.

Dave Barber, Albuquerque, NM

[Alison Chaiken]

Sometimes the best response to a grieving or angry friend is simply, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry" works for bereavement cards as well. It's always a good first response while you wait to hear if the friend wants advice or needs some kind of help.

[Gecko]

These are really good tips, I just hope I can remember them when the situation arises!

[Bobbie Preston]

Re: number 2
When I told my Mom that I had been elected to Phi Beta Kappa, her response was "We wouldn't have expected anything else, dear". I was angry about that for 30 years, because I worked HARD for that honor. But then my sister pointed out that I had taken it the wrong way, it was my Mom's way of validating me. I would have much preferred to hear just "Congratulations, we are so proud of you!" Sure wish I had gotten it off my chest with Mom 30 years ago and said " Thanks, I had to work really hard for the honor, it wasn't a slam dunk."!

[KH]

"I'm sorry" is always a safe thing to say - but it's also what everyone always says. While it's important to voice your sympathy and/or support, sometimes just being there to listen is better. I agree 100% with 5, not comparing. Even if you've been through the same heartache or difficulty as someone, there will still be aspects that are too different to relate. I had a miscarriage shortly into my first pregnancy, we'd planned the pregnancy. A well-meaning sister-in-law told me she'd had one too, but didn't even know she was pregnant. In that case, it didn't help at all, because it felt like she was minimizing my pain instead of helping, like she understood exactly what I was feeling when it was obvious she didn't.

[Sally]

I spent 4 years in a deeply abusive relationship (years ago, I'm with a sweetheart now), but what made it worse, and much harder to leave, was the angry flock of guy friends I had around me giving me very bad "advice". The worst part was that they liked their advice more than they liked me. You see, when I refused to follow it because I believed (correctly) that it would get me killed they all shouted me down for not listening to them. When I tried to talk about my feelings about my situation they shouted me down for being "annoying".... because it would have all been so simple if I had just listened to them. Honestly, the pain and fear didn't start to dissipate until I followed my therapists advice and left them all behind. She was a trained professional, not just a guy who was trying to reassure himself that I was stupid and he was smart.

Because when someone has been hurt that badly by an unpredictable life the first thing you should do is not reassure yourself at their expense. Offering advice and explanations very often isn't trying to "fix" anything, it is just to reassure yourself with the "just-world hypothesis".

As a friend of mine used to say "The movie isn't always about you."

Also, telling people that you feel their pain because once you got a hangnail in the third grade is also a way of making the movie about you. Just don't do it.