Finding happiness: 5 happiness boosters that actually do more harm than good.

Every Wednesday is Tip Day.
This Wednesday: 5 happiness boosters that actually do more harm than good.

Everyone has a few tricks for beating the blues – things you do when you’re feeling down to try to boost your mood. It turns out, however, that several of the most popular strategies don’t actually work very well in the long term. Beware if you are tempted to try any of the following:

1. Comforting yourself with a “treat.” Often, the things we choose as “treats” aren’t good for us. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the lousiness of the day. So when you find yourself thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few beers…a pint of ice cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself – will it REALLY make you feel better? It might make you feel worse. In particular, beware of…

2. Letting yourself off the hook. I’ve found that I sometimes get a real happiness boost from giving something up, quitting something, or breaking a bad habit. For example, I feel very happy about having given up fake food. When you’re feeling down, you might be tempted to let yourself off the hook, to think, “I’ll allow myself to skip my run today, I need a break.” In fact, sticking to a resolution will boost your sense of self-esteem and self-control. So NOT letting yourself off the hook might do more to boost your happiness.

3. Turning off your phone. Studies show that extroverts and introverts alike get a mood boost from connecting with other people. Although it can be tempting to isolate yourself when you’re feeling unhappy, you’re better off making plans with friends or family.

4. Expressing your negative emotions. Many people believe in the “catharsis hypothesis” and think that expressing anger is healthy-minded and relieves their feelings. Not so. Studies show that expressing anger only aggravates it; as Plutarch observed, “Anger, while in its beginning, often can be ended by silence, or neglect.” I’ve certainly found this to be true; once I get going, I can whip myself into a fury. It’s better to stay calm.

5. Staying in your pajamas all day. One of the most helpful things I’ve learned in my happiness research is that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. As improbable as this sounds, it really works. Sometimes it can be fun to hang out in your sweats all day, but if you’re feeling lethargic, powerless, or directionless, not getting dressed is going to make you feel worse. Put on your clothes—including your shoes—so you feel prepared for whatever the day might offer. While you’re at it, make your bed.

Have you ever tried to cheer yourself up using a strategy that just made you feel worse, in the end? Or what are more effective ways to beat the blues?

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Interested in starting your own Happiness Project? If you’d like to take a look at my Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. No need to write anything more than “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Comments

[Desci]

This is such an important post. Thank you!

I also find 'venting' can sometimes be good, and sometimes not. It's a tricky balance: sometimes talking about my bad day with my partner can help: afterward, I feel lighter knowing someone has acknowledged my frustration. But sometimes, reliving it exacerbates my anger, and ignoring it and focusing on other things helps.

[Melissa]

# 5 is soooo important! When I was laid off I made sure to get up every day and shower, put on makeup and get ready to take on the day. Many people who lost their jobs with me just didn't see the point and quickly slipped into depression. I see the same thing happen with new moms. They put off the getting ready part of the day and end up spending all day in sweats with unwashed hair and no makeup and wonder why they feel so down. Personal grooming is often overlooked as a mood booster. It is time to be good to yourself and it can be invigorating both inside and out :-)

[Paula]

I agree that discipline is one of the cornerstones of happiness, but this statement gave me pause:

The pleasure lasts a minute, but then feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences just deepen the lousiness of the day

It's not a given that indulging in a treat leads to guilt, or represents "loss of control" (or indeed that "loss of control" is always a bad thing, but that's another topic.)

It's possible to indulge now and then, with full attention and acceptance, and then move on, satisfied. The treat doesn't have to be an escape from a bad day--it can be a way to gently reel oneself back into mindfulness.

[Heather]

Hi Gretchen,

I agree with most of your points today, but I'd like to add a modification to point number four. I've been doing a course on personal and therapeutic writing as part of my Masters degree, and all the relevant research says that simply venting, focusing on negative feelings does indeed make you unhappy in both the short and long term. However, if the writing (or speaking, for that matter) focuses on emotions tied to events, that is, not just how you feel, and not just what happened, but how what happened made you feel, than you may feel somewhat unhappy in the short term, but you feel much better and much happier in the long term.

Emotions do need to be expressed, especially negative ones, but not dwelled on seperate from events.

Does that make any sense? If you would like, I can provide you with some references for what I'm talking about.

[Ann]

Great, insightful post. I really like what you said in #4. There are other ways to heal anger than by expressing it in the typical ways--ways that are usually damaging to others but which are often inexplicably socially acceptable.

[kristin]

I agree with Desci's comment. Occasionally, when I'm upset, I just want the feelings acknowledged and the anger or sadness justified. Once they have been, I know I'm holding nothing back and can move on. Try to allot a set amount of time to vent though, otherwise it's easy to get carried away.

#4 and #5 remind of not dwelling on what cannot be changed (most often it's the past).
Excellent post!

[Fitness Surfer]

Thanks you for this article. I always thought I was too hard on myself and would “let myself off the hook” thinking it would give some form or relief or happiness, but was secretly sabotaging my happiness. I’m now motivated to accomplish a goal on a daily basis.

[grimo1re]

Wonderful post! I must say I do treat myself, but I generally buy something like a magazine on photography, which I'm trying to learn. It provides me with new motivation and insights to continue my hobby. I've always seen this as a positive treat....but I don't do it if I 'just feel like cr*p' but usually when I did something good, regardless of the outcome. Like not passing my driving exam, for example.

[monkeymom]

It's a very tricky thing about the venting of anger. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules you can stick to. But it is good to know and be reminded that venting anger can sometimes just make you more angry. The answer might be not to always stay calm and never vent, but to choose your moment carefully and try to remember that venting won't necessarily make you feel better--might make you just feel worse. Sometimes you only know whether venting was worthwhile later on--e.g., often venting to your therapist is very healing in the long run. But in the short run it might just make you feel more aggravated.

[Mary Ellen]

Great points! On #4 I agree with other comments that there is a thin line between venting as a means to whip yourself into a lather, and venting in order to feel heard and understood. From my reading and experience it is important to recognize when you are keeping yourself unhappy by increasing your own feelings of frustration. A tiny example: my husband used to fumble at work every time I called, grabbing the head set and the hand set and usually dropping one. I got really frustrated and couldn't understand how he could not set this up in a way that worked for him. Finally, I realized that I should let that be his problem. I was less frustrated (more happy!) and oddly, the problem went away. On the other hand when I'm upset at my husband because something he did makes me feel ignored or misunderstood, it is very important for me to be able to express my feelings and for him to somehow respectfully hear what I have to say. That also makes me happy. It is a hard balance to strike.

[Cara]

It's often tempting to skip exercise and just "relax," but I find that when I give in to being lazy, I feel worse, not better.

[Vladimir Afonin]

Gretchen i just read your article on yahoo..... iv been cronicly depressed for about 3 years now and i myself think that odd for an 18 year old guy... well its kind of funny but i do just about the exact opossite of every single one of your tips, i smoke drink energy drinks and other stuff to bring me up, im a maximizer and i sleep about 3-4 hours a day. Im an aspireing writer even tho as you can plainly see withought spellcheak its a bit hard to read my writing, well ill be keping an eye on this site, thank you.

[Erin]

You make excellent points. #5, I think is one of the most important for me.

One thing I find that really helps to boost my happiness when I'm in a bad mood, is to clean. And I hate cleaning, but when you are in a bad mood doing something productive actually helps to use up the vigor and intensity that is already built up. And when you finish, you can be happy that you accomplished something at least, by cleaning the kitchen or the bathroom.

Also, I find weeding the garden VERY helpful for when I'm already in a rage. Take it out on the weeds. Or rake up leaves. Before long, you are admiring your work and feeling better about yourself.

[Fido]

I just read your article in Yahoo. great points !

Have you (or your readers) read the book - "Are you ready to succeed?" by Srikumar Rao.

It also talks about many such points. I found it very helpful.

[Mark]

Most people lead lives in pursuit of happiness. But some, lead lives of meaning. It isn't that they don't want to be happy or can't be happy, it's just that their happiness is irrelevant.

If you had ever been to a place like Haiti surrounded by the stench of smoldering garbage and raw sewage, where small children wander about naked looking for something to eat, you would know what I mean. And you would know too, what it is like to then return to obese America preoccupied with velvet cushions and incense, where the newest restaurant and a big screen TV is so at the top of their list of desirables.

Oh no, now you went and made me unhappy.

[Rosie]

“The closer one brings oneself to GOD that happier one is. It is the end of our lives, the closer one brings oneself to GOD the happier one is the faster one hurries to meet him. The Past, The present these are human in God there is no Past solely the present prevails, and when GOD sees us he sees our entire life. And because he is an infinitely good being he eternally seeks our well-being. Therefore there is no cause for worry in any of the things that happen to us. It is a pity the world has lost all sense of GOD, it is a pity. They have no reason to live anymore. When you abolish the thought of GOD why go on living on this earth? One must always part from this principle that GOD is infinitely good and that all of his actions are in our best interest, because of this a Christian should always be happy, never unhappy because everything that happens is God’s will and it only happens for the well-being of our soul, well this is the most important GOD is infinitely good and he helps us. This is all one must do and then one is HAPPY”
-Words from a blind monk (into great silence documentary French monks in France)

[Mark]

What a crock from a monk who was blind in more than one way. Do you really think everything that happens is God's Will? So...all of my sins are his fault? Everything bad I ever did, I shouldn't regret it or feel remorse. It's all God's Will. Just go with flow man. I wonder if Ted Kaczynski thinks the same thing?

To which "god" are you referring? Maybe one should ask that first. And how do you know anything about this "god"? If you are referring to the God of the Bible, he said anything BUT go forth and be happy all the time. It's a crock.

OK everyone, don't forget to watch Oprah today.

[Richard Austin]

This is exactly the the type of thing we're talking about at Cheerfulliving.com. Gets me excited to move more earnestly towards my desire to do what I love. Great post! thanks.

[Randy Zeitman]

I need to please ask you about #4...expressing anger.

You say " It’s better to stay calm." but the whole bullet point is about when we're angry, not calm.

"Studies show that expressing anger only aggravates it" .. which studies?

What about all the times people overcome their anger by writing it all out in a letter so they can actually understand exactly what the anger is about because I've found most of the time the anger 'avalanches' only when it either doesn't get resolved or when it's not really understood. Many times I've written angry letters to people that have hurt me and by the time I got done the letter a half hour later I'm just spent and I find it much easier to let it go.

[Steve Pohlit]

This is a great list. #4 seems to have struck a chord. The way I view it is that there is a huge difference between expression and acknowledgment. Honoring the emotion, observing it, being grateful for the lesson it is offering is very different from owning it and fueling it.

[Rick Pierce]

Hi Gretchen-

Quick question for you; have you found any of the new (or old) books on happiness helpful?

[Herbal Remedies Girl]

I think that comforting yourself with a treat is one of the most common ways to make yourself feel better. However, that is nothing but a momentary fix. Wonderful blog!

[Kathleen]

Yes, I agree with it all, but especially 3 & 5.
RE # 5: So many times I hear people say, "Oh I love my home based business because I can stay in my pajamas all day." In fact, I have said it too, but in reality it seems to create its own lethargy.
RE # 3: Just yesterday I wanted to stay in all day. Things are not going as I planned and I have been wanting to retreat. In the end, I accepted a dinner invitation at my son's, and seeing my baby granddaughter running around (she just learned to walk), and playing stickers with her actually gave me the boost I needed by reminding myself why I do what I do.

Thank you

[Linnea]

I found myself nodding through this post ... and cringing at more than a few of the bad habits I'm guilty of! I got rid of the idea of "treating myself" ages ago, I am guilty of either employing the vent or turning off the phone. I'll rethink those strategies now. Thanks!

[misty gibbs]

Great post! I am much better at being successful at something when you tell me what *not* to do!

[Liara Covert]

The fact that you encourage people to stop blaming is a very useful tip. To let yourself off the hook from your self-created illusions frees you to rediscover new kinds of happiness where you are right this moment.

[Niel Malan]

For men, of course the equivalent of staying in pajamas all day is not shaving. Of course all the stubble do all day is to remind a man that he's having a crappy day.

[Dana - Your Inspried Coach]

Gretchen,

I just found your site. I love your blog, the concept of your commandments, and the project. I've been reading through your posts and enjoying them.

Can I recommend "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner? The reason why we commonly believe that we mustn't express our anger is because when we express it as rage, frothing at the mouth, and lashing out, we do typically make matters worse and we feel a tremendous amount of guilt as well as cause relationship damage with that behavior.

What Harriet Lerner discusses is how to use your anger, particularly for women, as a message. Our emotions are our own personal GPS system. They tell us when we are on the right track or on the wrong one. When we are experiencing something we do not want and we are wanting something else, we sometimes feel anger. It's normal and it's healthy.

So, yes, pause, keep your cool, and ask, "What is my anger telling me? What am I wanting?"

Usually you will find a boundary has been crossed, someone has violated a value of yours, or one of your personal needs has not been met. When you realize this, you can more effectively communicate the boundary, need or value. Sometimes you realize you are the one who has caused the situation, and no anger needs to be expressed to someone else. You may be able to simply remind yourself and follow your own rules.

Example: You once again said yes to taking on a chair position on a committee in a group you belong to. You already feel stretched and you have acknowledged to yourself that you are going to say no to commitments unless you truly want to do something and it serves you to do so. You get angry about having to spend time preparing for a meeting that you don't even want to attend, for a committee that you don't even want to be on. Remind yourself what you joined the group for and reinforce your boundaries with yourself by saying no, even if you have to go back and say I've made a mistake, I am over-committed and I apologize, but I have to hand this off to someone else.

[MarkToo]

With you on 5 - how we feel & how we act affect one another, and if we act happy our feelings tend to follow.
Just making the effort to put a smile on your face or a spring in your step can help lift a bad mood.

[Christy]

I agree with most of this, except #4. There's a difference between anger and other negative emotions like sadness. Venting anger often does lead to more anger, but shedding tears that need to be shed is quite important to the healing process. The key is identifying the underlying issue that's driving the anger and expressing that, whether it be sadness, regret, embarrassment, whatever. Also, there is a difference between expressing emotions and then letting them go versus dwelling on them.

[canali]

as per giving into treats, there is nothing wrong with that ...from what i've researched and am learning you do it in two ways:
1/by delaying gratification during the week you treat yourself to something nice on the weekend (that hamburger or ONE glass or wine)...OR if you can't control your addictions (to food, sex, booze, whatever) you then try to change the association of that which gives pleasure...easier said than done i know but treating myself to a good book or yoga or motivating tape...or a walk...or going out to a meetup to interact with new people during the week is empowering...vs all those other habits we know only too well to overindulge in....so good pleasure giving habits during the week and a bit of naughty overindulgence on the weekend sounds fine to me(at least in theory, lol)